


Consequences

by aMUSEment345



Series: The Clone/Consequences [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-12-25 20:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 113,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: Continuation of THE CLONE. Reid has always been impulsive. Now he's in trouble. The kind that could end his career. And he doesn't want to accept help. Can JJ break through his defenses? Can the team come through for him?





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

**A.N. This story follows** _**The Clone,** _ **and makes liberal reference to it, so best to read that one first.**

**_The Clone_  was inspired by my noticing a change in JJ's behavior toward Reid during a few of the middle seasons of the show. There was some eye rolling, sarcastic grinning and general non-support (all, thankfully, later reverted back to normal). And I wondered whatever would have possessed her to treat him so poorly. We found the answer in _The Clone_ , and here we find the fallout...or the  _Consequences_.**

* * *

**Consequences**

**Chapter 1  
**

No one, perhaps not even Strauss herself, was more invested in the director's sustained sobriety than was the pair of young BAU profilers. They knew that a relapse on her part might threaten one or both of their careers, or possibly even the entire BAU team. As the months passed by, Reid was grateful for every day that their superior declined to challenge JJ or himself. He knew the odds were against them, given the usual rate of relapse, but he also knew that the odds were created by events at both ends of the spectrum.

_Maybe she'll be one of the exceptions. Maybe it really will be all right, like I told JJ._

The thought of JJ brought a twinge of doubt. Things were not entirely smooth on that front.

_At least now we're talking again. Sort of. For a minute there, I actually thought we were more than talking. But, once again, I was wrong. I may be able to read 20,000 words a minute, but I obviously can't read human behavior. At least, not when the human isn't an unsub.  
_

It had been several months since Reid's crisis with Strauss, and his reconciliation with JJ. The tension was considerably eased, but not absent. JJ had been much more like the person who'd been so long his best friend. But she'd also maintained an uncharacteristic reserve. She was there, supportive and within reach, and yet she was not. Reid felt a wall slowly being constructed between them once again.

_Is it Strauss? Has she threatened her again? Or has she threatened me again? Is JJ keeping it from me?_

He was determined to find out. He'd suffered through the distance between them before, and realized that she had suffered, too. But how to break through it now?

He thought about using Henry, then immediately felt bad about it. One part of his brain was concocting a plan to use a visit with Henry to get some time alone with JJ. But he loved the boy too much to use their relationship as a tool.  _I'll see him this weekend anyway. If we get a chance to talk, so be it. If not, I'll just have to deal with it._

It had been over a month since he'd seen his godson, between away cases and other commitments interfering. He was supposed to visit with him on Saturday.

Friday afternoon, JJ wandered over to Reid's cubicle under the guise of bringing him a cup of coffee, ignoring the steaming one that was already on his desk.

"Hi."

"Hi. Is that for me?"

"Yeah, sorry, I see you have a full cup. I just needed to take a break and thought…."

"Thanks, JJ. That was very thoughtful." And Reid politely put his own cup aside and drank from the one she'd brought him.

"Spence, I know you're supposed to take Henry out this weekend…."

He was wary. This sounded like she was about to break his latest date with his godson. "I was planning on taking him to the natural history museum. He loves the dinosaurs there."

She looked at him, and then away again, was quiet for a moment. Sighed.

"Spence, I think we need to reschedule."

"Oh? He's not sick, is he?"

She reassured him. "No, he's fine. He…..we…..something else came up, and he can't make it."

She knew she'd just told her best friend that he'd been bumped for a better offer, knew his social insecurities would rise, and felt terrible about it. She tried to soften the blow.

"He was really looking forward to it, Spence, but…." She felt the penetration of the look Reid was giving her. He said nothing, but it was effective.

She couldn't look him in the eye, but she had to tell him the truth. "He's doing something with Will."

Reid sat back. Of course the boy would want to be with his father. And considering JJ and Will were no longer together, of course it would be on a weekend. Reid was conciliatory.

"Of course, JJ, he should go ahead and be with his father. He doesn't get to see him every day, and I would never want to be in between a father and his son."

He was confused about why JJ didn't look relieved. He'd just let her off the hook. He squinted at her, trying to focus in on what, exactly, was going on.

JJ caved under the look, even though Reid hadn't meant it as a challenge. Again failing to make eye contact, she reported, "Spence, Will and I are trying again."

He didn't get it. "Trying?"

She sighed again, then finally looked at him. Even though nothing had ever been spoken aloud, she knew he had feelings for her. But she flatly refused to have the conversation with herself, about whether she might have feelings for him _. I can't go there. I_ won't _go there. I have Henry to think about.  
_

Forcing herself to maintain his gaze, she told him. "We're trying to see if we can make it work. We're back together. For a month or so now." She paused, then added. "We're living together."

Reid had long ago learned to mask his feelings. That long practice served him well in this moment. He was surprised, and saddened. Although he'd never overtly acknowledged it even to himself, some part of him had hoped that there might be something more between them one day. This reconciliation with Will put an end to that hope.

"Oh." He searched frantically for the right words. Since they were so far from what he was actually thinking, they were proving elusive. He grasped at whatever came to mind.

"That's great, JJ. It's important for a child to have two loving parents."  _I should know._  "I'm glad for you."

JJ was new to profiling but, she later mused, it didn't take a profiler to realize that her colleague was simply telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. Deep inside, in the part that she would never acknowledge, a voice was crying, " _Fight for me, Spence!"_

She couldn't hear it, and neither could he. His insecurities had, indeed, risen, blocking all other input. There was nothing left for her to do except to thank him for his understanding, and walk away.

* * *

Spending another Friday evening alone in his apartment, Reid sought out the company of a great author. He'd always found it oddly inspiring to think that someone in some distant place or time had so generously shared their thoughts that they would put them down for posterity….and thus share them with him. And so he routinely engaged them, gave his mind fully over to their ideas. It kept him from feeling lonely. Until tonight. Tonight, he felt keenly the absence of others, the absence of a particular 'other'. He'd betrayed himself, letting the idea of them having a relationship cross his mind, when he knew it would never happen. She needed to try again with Will, he understood that. He even had to root for them to succeed, for Henry's sake. He tried to suppress a pang of jealousy as he wondered what their lives were like, what warmth, and sights, and sounds, and humor were being shared in the household with the two parents and their little boy.

He felt an emptiness that was familiar, and yet not. It was something he'd felt as a boy, wondering about how his classmates' lives were different from his. It was something he'd managed to suppress for a very, very long time. And now it had been awakened. He knew intuitively that he needed to put it away again.  _Why want something you don't have? Maybe can't have? Why not be content?_

He pulled down another book.  _Maybe I just need to listen to a different voice tonight._

* * *

Driving home from the BAU that same Friday night, JJ ruminated on her situation. Will was a good man, she should be able to make a life with him. And, for the sake of their little boy, they needed to try. But she always felt just that, like she was  _trying._ It never seemed to come easily, even when they succeeded in enjoying one another. It always felt like work. But so many of her friends had told her about the need to work at a relationship.  _Maybe that's just what this is….the work. But how do I know when I'm having to work too hard?_

She was also torn about Spence.  _I can't ever, ever tell him that Will blamed our separation in part on him, on our friendship. On my trying to comfort him when Emily was gone. On my choosing him as Henry's godfather. I can't tell him that Will is jealous. Even though I've never given him any reason to be._

But she knew that Will's personality became more prickly any time she mentioned Reid, or any time Reid came to visit Henry. She'd had to pull back from Reid to make a genuine effort at her relationship with Will. Part of her could understand Will's point of view. She wouldn't have been happy if he'd invited a woman over on a regular basis, no matter how platonic it might be.  _But he needs to understand my point of view as well. Spence was, and is, my best friend. And I don't want that to change._

She tried to make the best of the current situation. I'm _sure Spence has got other plans this weekend anyway. Now he doesn't have to interrupt them for Henry._

* * *

Monday morning brought a case in Michigan. Hotch was summoning the team to the round table room.

"Hi, Spence." JJ had to double step to catch up with him. "How was your weekend?"

"Great. How was yours?"

His failure to disclose details was nothing new, so JJ didn't pick up on his attempt to cover his disappointment at not spending the time with Henry.

"It was busy. I almost couldn't wait to get back to work to get some 'down' time, you know?"

He didn't, but he knew a chuckle was the right response, so he gave it. JJ was still feeling badly about canceling with Henry and thought she had found a solution to including Reid without irritating Will.

"Spence, Henry is dying to see that new animated movie, you know, the one about the school bus?" Watching him, she could see he didn't have a clue what she was talking about.  _Of course not, why would he know about a kid's movie? He hasn't seen his favorite kid in over a month._

"No? Well, it's a movie about a school bus that misses the kids in the summer. Henry thinks school buses are cool, and he can't wait to see the movie." She looked sideways at him. "Do you think you'd like to take him? Maybe on Sunday afternoon?"

She was one hundred percent sure that Will would never sit through a kid's movie, and Sunday afternoon was 'a huge game for the Saints', so Will wouldn't be going anywhere. But then she realized she was presuming Reid wouldn't have plans.

"Of course, if you've got something else…"

"No, JJ, I don't. Nothing important, anyway. Nothing as important as Henry. Sure, I'd love to take him."

"Great!" Inexplicably, she felt as if a burden had been lifted.

* * *

They settled in around the table as Garcia set up the case.

"Boys and girls, we are headed to a suburb just outside Detroit. Yesterday, a hiker found a set of human remains. Some of the remains were in plain view, and some found via cadaver dog. Giving new meaning to the term 'two left feet', the medical examiner discovered just that. It appears there were two bodies in a single grave."

"And I suppose we've ruled out an ancient burial ground." Rossi was being both practical…..and sarcastic.

"Yes. The ME dates one as having died about two months ago. But the other was over a year."

Morgan needed clarificiation. "Garcia, do we know how long they were in the ground?"

"Sadly, no, my love."

"So it's possible the unsub buried both bodies in the same, grave, over a year apart?" Emily was starting the discussion.

"Or he held on to the one, and buried them both after he killed the second one." Reid offered a more grisly possibility.

JJ was thinking about both possibilities. "So, if this is someone who's gone back and buried a second body in the same location, it could mean he's still active, and planning to return over and over again to the same spot."

Reid was following her train of thought. "But if he buried them both at the same time, it could mean he's done. He's killed his targets and moved on. Or not."

"Precisely. Or, better put, imprecisely." Hotch was dangerously close to making a joke. "They're asking for our input on it. Even if the unsub is still active, this timeline…bodies a year apart….is reassuring. Unless he's already started on a second pair. Wheels up in thirty."


	2. Chapter 2

**Consequences**

**Chapter 2**

During the plane trip Garcia provided updates on the medical examiner's findings. The burial scene was still active, with bony fragments still being recovered. To date, the ME was able to determine that both victims were male. Approximate ages and causes of death were still unknown.

Hotch handed out the assignments. "Morgan and Rossi, you go to the scene. Reid and Prentiss, you're with the ME. JJ, you'll help me set up with the local police."

* * *

When they arrived to the burial site, Morgan and Rossi saw that a tent had been set up nearby, with what looked like a small science lab inside it. They recognized the workplace of a forensic anthropologist operating in the field. They were introduced to a Dr. Elizabeth Stevens.

"I'm trying to help identify which bones belong to which victim. And to try to be certain that there are only the two that we already know about."

The profilers were aware that there was concern about more possible victims. And that cadaver dogs were still looking for more possible burial sites.

"Doctor, do you think you'll be able to determine a cause of death?" Rossi'd had some prior experience with a case like this one.

"If it happened traumatically, I may. If there was toxin involved, we'll have to hope that the tissue remaining on the two month old burial will help us. But that will be done by one of my colleagues at the ME's office. The larger remains, the ones with identifiable tissue, are there already."

"Understood." Morgan knew that Dr. Stevens had helped to remove the bones from the ground. "Doc, what's your best guess on whether they were buried at the same time, or whether the unsub came back and buried a second body in the same grave as the first?"

"There's no question about it, Agent Morgan. The older bones were picked clean. They've clearly been in the woods long enough for animals to have gotten at them. I'm afraid that speculation about the one body being held long enough to bury it at the same time as the second was the product of someone's vivid imagination."

Rossi considered the implications. "So if animals had gotten at the first victim's body, wouldn't the bones have been scattered?"

She was nodding. "Yes,  _that_  is the odd part. It looks like the bones were gathered again and put back into the grave when the second body was buried. I'm sure there are some missing, but I won't which they are until I can get these back to the lab." She waved her hands at the bones arrayed on the table. "There's only so much I can do in the field."

* * *

Reid and Prentiss had little luck with the ME. As Dr. Stevens had informed their colleagues, the larger sections of the more recent remains had been brought there, but so far no visible cause of death had been found. Toxicology could take up to several weeks. The ME and the forensic anthropologist would work as a team to assemble the bones, looking for signs of trauma. They hoped to have an answer to that question within the next 24 hours.

* * *

The team gathered with the local police task force late in the afternoon, reviewing what was, and was not, known. There seemed to be far more of the latter.

Hotch tried to summarize. "We do know that both of the victims were male, and that one has been dead for over a year. We know that the second victim was buried up to two months ago, based on tissue decomposition. And we know that they were buried at separate times."

Morgan helped to clarify. "The first victim's remains were found and scattered by scavengers, and then the small bones were regathered and buried at the same time as the second victim."

A question came from a task force member. "What do you make of that?"

Reid responded. "There are several possibilities. Maybe the unsub is responding to some sort of compulsion. As odd as it may sound, it might even represent a 'neatness' type of OCD. Or it could mean that the unsub perceives some kind of connection, real or imagined, between the two victims, and feels a need to preserve it."

Rossi resumed the summary. "What we don't know is critical. We don't have a cause of death on either of the victims, nor have we identified either. We're hoping to have a final answer on the number of bodies represented by the remains, and if we can get lucky, a cause of death, by the morning."

The local task force leader broke the meeting, sending everyone home until more information was forthcoming.

The team shared a rare dinner together, and then Emily, Morgan and Rossi decided to stop into the lounge for a drink. The two parents in the group declined, each wanting to have a good night phone call with their offspring. Reid was following his usual practice of retiring to his room to read. As they waited for the elevator together, Hotch's cell sounded. He held up a hand to keep Reid and JJ from getting on the elevator. Concluding his call, he gave them the news.

"The cadaver dogs have found a second burial site a half mile from the first. I need you to take a look at it while it's still fresh. The anthropologist will meet you there."

* * *

The night was overcast, and a light rain was falling. Reid drove while JJ made her call to home. She had the phone on speaker while she was talking to Henry, so Reid could listen in. He smiled as he heard mother and son read "Little Star" to one another, each having virtually memorized the book. His smile broadened when Henry bid his godfather good night. "Sweet dreams, Uncle Spence. Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite!" came over the phone in Henry's little voice.

"Good night, Henry, and sweet dreams to you too. I'll see you on Sunday!"

JJ had been holding the phone to Reid, and now switched off the speaker and put it back to her ear. He gathered she was on with Will now.

"I told you, they're going to see that movie. You wanted to watch the game anyway, remember?"

After a space in which Reid gathered Will was speaking, JJ concluded with. "Okay. Me too. Good night."

He could guess what the "me too" was about. He had another one of those pangs, but chided himself.  _There's nothing to be jealous of, Reid. It's not like you've lost her. You can't lose what you never had._

* * *

The new scene was deeper into the woods than the first. With the overcast, the darkness of the night felt thick, and the artificial lights provided little illumination. The light rain created a constant rustling sound as it fell on the leaves, making it hard to hear the sounds of movement. Despite the fact that they were armed with both flashlights and guns, JJ and Reid followed their natural instinct to stick close together.

"I  _really_  hate the woods." JJ wasn't sure why she was whispering, but noted that Reid responded in kind.

"Yes, why was that exactly? Something about camp and a dead body?"

She knew he was teasing her. "I told you, I made that up. And what about you, being afraid of the dark?"

"Well, that's a perfectly reasonable fear, isn't it? Things can jump out at you in the dark."

She'd been about to laugh at him, but then, he had a point. "So, how did we end up like this, in the woods, in the dark?"

"We're masochists?"

It felt good to banter with her best friend. And it felt good to have him nearby, in the woods, in the dark. Suddenly a hidden tree root caught JJ's foot and she stumbled. She reached out for Reid, who caught her before she fell to the wet ground, but her flashlight went flying. They could hear the glass break against some kind of hard surface.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine, but now we're down a flashlight. Clutzy me."

"Just take my hand, we can both use mine." They could see a very faint glow in the distance, beyond the brush, and headed in that direction. They were probably holding on to each other a little more tightly than was necessary, but it felt too good to let go. Both were relieved when they arrived to the burial site.

JJ mused on the irony.  _Only in this business can you feel relief when you get to the place where a dead body is buried._

The fresh site was just that. It appeared to have been dug within the week. Dr. Stevens was directing the removal of the remains, which were largely intact. She wanted to preserve as much of the scene as possible, anticipating finding another set of remains deeper to this one. She stepped away to introduce herself to the two new FBI agents.

"I met your colleagues Agent Morgan and Agent Rossi this afternoon. Did you say 'Doctor Reid'? Are you a a medical doctor?"

"Ph.D. Physics, math and engineering." Reid only expounded when he felt he needed to make a point about his background or experience. That wasn't the case here. Dr. Stevens was working very collegially with them.

"Wow, impressive. Well, I'm a Ph.D. as well, but I work closely with the medical profession. I can't tell you everything you'll need to know, but I can say the remains are fairly fresh. We've had a dry spell here for the past ten days…until tonight. The grave was dug some time during that spell. And there's blood leaked out from below the body. Either the victim died just before the burial…..or he was still alive at the time that he was buried. If he'd been dead longer, the blood wouldn't have exited the body."

Reid was having trouble finding his voice. "So the victim could have been buried alive? Could that have happened to all of them?"

Dr. Stevens couldn't see the hand JJ had put on Reid's back. The young profiler was sure her best friend was flashing back to the time he'd been made to dig his own grave.

"There was obviously trauma, otherwise there wouldn't have been blood. This looks like it might have been a stab wound to the flank. But the trauma wasn't necessarily the cause of death. We won't know until the ME performs the autopsy. So yes, they all could have been buried alive."

JJ tried to catch Reid's gaze, but he wouldn't look at her. He was fixated on the grave.

JJ pulled him away. "We need to talk to Hotch, and fill him in. Come on." She knew she could break the spell by reminding him of his responsibilities.

The rest of the exhumation was going to proceed at a snail's pace, so the two profilers filled their unit chief in on the new developments and then followed his order to head back to the hotel. Reid led the way through the woods again, and JJ followed, holding his hand. He was unusually quiet as they made their way back to the SUV.

"Spence, are you okay?"

"Me? I'm fine." He'd answered too quickly, and she caught it.

JJ stopped moving, forcing him to turn and face her. "No, you're not. You're thinking about Henkel. About…."

He cut her off. "JJ, there's nothing to be done about it. It happened. And yes, sometimes it still comes back to me. But I'll be all right. Can we just get out of these damn woods now?"

She held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. They made it back to the SUV and rode to the hotel in silence.

Their rooms were in opposite directions down the hallway from the elevator. Before they parted, JJ asked Reid again. "Are you sure you're all right, Spence?"

"I'll be fine, JJ. Thanks for worrying about me."

"Always do," she said lightly, as she rubbed his arm and leaned up to give him a small kiss on the cheek. Then she echoed Henry's words. "Sweet dreams, Uncle Spence."

He smiled. "Thanks. And to you, too."

In his room that night, Reid found sleep elusive. He hadn't had flashbacks like these in a few years. But being in the woods, and the idea of being buried alive, brought it all back. He finally drifted off an hour before dawn, grateful that she'd given him the opportunity to dream about the kiss, and not the shovel.


	3. Chapter 3

**Consequences**

**Chapter 3**

A very fatigued Spencer Reid dragged himself over to the task force meeting the next morning. JJ took one look at him and went immediately to get coffee.

"Thanks, JJ. I don't think I could have poured it without getting it all over me this morning."

"I take it you didn't sleep well?"

He knew better than to try to lie to her. "Hardly at all. But the coffee will give me energy, I'm sure of it."

She hesitated. "Spence, if it turns out that they really were, you know….…"

"I'll deal with it. Really, JJ, I'll be okay." He put a hand on her arm in reassurance.

Hotch got the meeting started by updating the entire task force on the findings of the night before. He had some additional information that was news to JJ and Reid.

"The medical examiner and the forensic anthropologist worked through the night. We know that there was a second set of remains deeper to the body that was found yesterday. As with the first burial site, some of those bones are being found scattered over a wide area, and are still being recovered."

He let the task force take that in. There seemed to be something of a signature emerging, with two sets of remains deposited in a single grave at different points in time. They were beginning to wonder exactly how many victims might be found in these woods.

Hotch had additional information. From what JJ had told him on the phone the previous evening, he knew this might impact his youngest profiler. He kept a watchful eye in that direction as he addressed the assembly.

"They have also found indentations consistent with knife wounds on two of the sets of bony remains. The most recent victim discovered had, as previously mentioned, a visible stab wound in the same area of the body. But the body was intact enough for the ME to perform a full autopsy. The stab wound was not the cause of death. The most recent victim suffocated. It's believed he was buried alive."

Hotch was looking at Reid. JJ's eyes went to him as well. She watched him go pale, and swallow. He was looking at the floor as she made her way over to him. She didn't address him, or try to touch him. She just wanted him to feel her presence.

"DNA has been recovered from two separate individuals. Our technical analyst has run the samples through every available database without a hit. However, we are still hopeful of a match. Your department has been diligent in obtaining material for DNA sampling in most of your missing persons cases. Those samples that are from males reported missing within the past two years will now be run against the DNA obtained from the victims. As you are aware, this may be a time consuming process, but we are hopeful of being able to eventually identify the victims."

Emily took it from there. "Fortunately, DNA isn't the only method we employ in victimology. From the examination of the bones, Dr. Stevens was able to tell us that each of the victims was between five feet ten and six feet two inches tall. She estimates the ages as between thirty and fifty years. Our final victim had blond hair. Using these parameters, we've been able to narrow the list. Of the sixteen men reported missing in the past two years, looking within a fifty mile radius, there are eight who fit the descriptive parameters. The DNA sampling that Agent Hotchner mentioned will be prioritized against those cases."

It was Morgan's turn. "The cadaver dogs are still actively working to uncover any remaining burial sites. What we need now is for teams from the task force to interview the family members and loved ones of each of the eligible missing men, we'll meet again in four hours. Thanks, everybody."

* * *

The team met in the precinct conference room. JJ and Hotch weren't the only ones who'd picked up on the connection with Reid's time in captivity. Morgan moved in next to his friend as Reid refilled his coffee.

"You all right, Kid?"

Reid spared a quick glance at him and then answered, in a quiet voice. "Yeah, I'm okay. It's been a long time."

Morgan patted him on the back as they returned to their seats. "That it has."  _But maybe not long enough._

"All right, people, what can we know?" Hotch wanted to get his team going.

Emily started. "We've got background on the eight missing who fit the physical profile. They all went missing while they were out driving. Two were local, running errands, two were from Detroit, and had left home to attend a Lions game. Four were from four different surrounding towns in our search radius, and had left on business trips."

Rossi picked up on that. "Were they supposed to be away more than a day? Or were they day trips?"

"The businessmen were each supposed to be on trips lasting between three and four days. They were each reported missing by their families on day five."

"And how about the others?" Reid was engaged. He looked upon such cases as riddles to be solved.

Emily consulted her materials again. "The others were each reported missing the day after they left home. They'd each been expected back the same evening."

"And the cars?" inquired JJ.

"Ah, here's something interesting. The cars of two of the businessmen were located in the next town. But neither of them were from there, and none of their business was conducted there."

"So if they're among our victims, it would seem the unsub has a connection to that town, and this one." Reid was postulating.

Morgan gave the other argument. "Or he doesn't have a connection with either, and is using the placement of the cars and the bodies as a forensic countermeasure."

"Is he organized enough to do that?" JJ wondered. "Is the OCD behavior with the bones consistent with organization?"

"He may be organized, but I also think it's likely we're dealing with a psychosis," offered Reid. "The murders, and the burial of the bodies, are ritualized. There's always a penetrating wound in the same part of the body. And then a ritual burial. Even if he's burying them alive." He did his best to sound normal, but they all caught the fall off of his voice. It was hard to put anything past a team of profilers.

Hotch knew they had to go with their best leads until the DNA information came back.

"All right, Morgan and Prentiss, you head to the sites the cars were found. Dave and I will speak with the families of the locals. We've got the task force interviewing the Detroit missings' families and those of the business travelers. Reid, start working up a geographical profile. JJ, you'll stay here as well. We'll have a lot of information coming in, and I'd like you to coordinate it."

Hotch, the unit chief, made his assignments to build on each team member's strength. But he also knew how to deal with a team member's weakness. He'd purposely made certain to leave Reid with his strongest means of support.

* * *

Until the field information began filtering in, JJ was able to assist Reid with the map. She was happy to see him immerse himself in the task, an obvious distraction from what had been on his mind just a short while ago.

Together they'd marked the locations of each of the missing men's homes, places of business, and destinations on the day each went missing. Then they'd marked the locations where the two recovered vehicles were found and, finally, the locations of the burial sites. They'd color-coded the data belonging to each missing man.

JJ watched as Reid stared intently at the map. He had his arms folded, and was stroking his chin. It was probably his most typical position.

"Hmm."

"What do you see?"

"Well, right now it's more what I  _don't_  see. I don't see that the missings from Detroit, or even the locals, help us at all." He started to remove the markers pertaining to those men.

"That better?"

"Much. Look closely, JJ. Do you see it?"

She was squinting at the map. She'd done this task with Reid so often that some of his vision had rubbed off on her, but she was nowhere near at his level.

"Not quite. I see that the four came from towns spread pretty widely apart. And most of their workplaces are near their homes, so they're spread pretty widely too. Same with their business destinations." She shrugged, disappointed. "Nope, I don't see anything, Spence."

He was moving forward with his markers. "Maybe this will help."

He'd mentally calculated the shortest routes between each man's home and his business trip destination, and now traced them on the map, maintaining his color coding. That made the connection immediately evident to JJ.

"Their routes, they intersect! There's a place where each of the men would have passed through to get where they were going."

He was giving her an approving grin. "And we need to find out what's there."

* * *

Garcia came through with the information they needed. There was a small strip mall encompassing two service stations, several fast food chains, and very little else. This was on the cusp of farm country, where two major state highways came together. It was a likely rest stop for travelers passing through.

Hotch and Rossi had been to visit the families of the two local missing men, and were now available to head to the strip mall.

"Good work, Reid." Hotch was happy with the lead, and also that Reid had been able to so productively focus his attention.

"Hotch, we think there's more." JJ was speaking now. "We're trying to look at a timeline on this. We've got one body in the ground about a year ago, one two months ago and one a week ago. Dr. Stevens and the ME now tell us that they think the older body in the second grave has been there between six and ten months. It's beginning to look like there might be an every-other-month pattern. Reid thinks there's probably another grave out there."

Hotch digested that. "Make sure the site task force knows. Have them keep the cadaver dogs working."

* * *

Morgan and Emily met up with Rossi and Hotch at the strip mall. They hadn't learned much from the sites where the the missing men's cars were found.

Emily filled their teammates in. "Each of the cars was found, abandoned, in a wooded area off the highway. According to the highway patrol, there were no skid marks, and very little damage to the surrounding brush. Almost as if they'd been parked there."

Morgan added, "It didn't look like they'd been run off the road, didn't look like any kind of accident. The patrol said they only found one of the cars because the sun caught the metal and caused a glare. Otherwise it would have been invisible from the road."

Rossi was processing the information. "So it's likely our unsub took the men from some other location...like the one we're at," he nodded his head in the direction of the retail establishments, "and then drove their cars onto the highway and calmly parked them there."

"So how did he get back? He couldn't have carried them out with him. He must have left them behind." Morgan took up the puzzle. "Maybe an accomplice?"

Hotch was doubtful. "No, the burials, the retrieval of the bones...it all sounds like the work of a single, disturbed individual, not a team."

Emily offered a couple of possibilities. "Well, he could have hitched a ride, I suppose. But that would presume he hadn't killed them yet. I can't imagine anyone picking up a bloodied stranger by the side of the road."

"So he would have had to hold them somewhere." Morgan thought the idea complicated things even more.

"Well, maybe," conceded Emily. "But I was going to say that I wonder if he might have been able to make a shortcut through the woods by the side of the highway to reach civilization. From the burial sites, it seems he has a pretty good comfort level with the woods."

Acknowledging Emily's point, Hotch got on his phone and filled JJ and Reid in on the new information. Without direction, Reid knew his task.

"Okay, I've got a radius from the strip mall to the burial sites. Spans about ten miles in diameter."

"Thanks, Reid." Hotch rang off and then connected with the highway patrol, requesting that they make a new search of all roads within a five mile radius of the strip mall, looking for the cars of the additional missing men, possibly hidden in the brush.

Morgan was on with Garcia. "How may I help you, my liege?"

"Baby Girl, I need a geographical favor. Get the exact locations where the Michigan Highway Patrol found the cars of the missings, then look at a satellite image. Find out what's in a reasonable walking distance. Not just via the roadway. Look for it from the birds eye view."

"Back in a flash."

* * *

The BAU team members in the field performed the pedestrian task of interviewing the management of each establishment. Garcia had forwarded pictures of the missing men to their phones, but the photos did nothing to jog the memories of those they questioned.

"It's not that surprising," Rossi pointed out. "We're showing them photos of men who may have been in the store or restaurant only once, or even not at all. We think the unsub may have met them here, but we don't know that they ever went inside. We need to be asking if there's anyone who frequents the area, anyone who seems a little 'off'."

They made short work of that. Emily hit paydirt.

"The manager of the burger place said there's a guy who comes around at closing time. They give him what they've got left, otherwise they'd be tossing it. The manager thinks he's a vet of some sort."

"Young, old?" Morgan wanted details.

"Hard to say. His best guess is that this is a younger man, who looks a lot older than he is. He's basing that on his gait compared with his appearance."

"Aged prematurely by war," observed Rossi, the voice of experience.

"I suppose a name would be out of the question?" Hotch knew better, but had to ask.

"They call him 'Hitch', but he doesn't think that's the guy's real name." Emily posited, "Maybe he hitchhikes?"

Hotch called in to the police station and asked that a sketch artist be made available. "We'll bring the witness in."

* * *

At the precinct, JJ and Reid were sorting information as it came in from the task force members in the field. It appeared that all of the businessmen had gone missing over the past sixteen months. They were able to identify specific individuals who may have gone missing during times that would coincide with the presumed dates of death for three of the bodies. Two others went missing at times that might have made them the 'missing victims' Reid was postulating...those who might reside in the yet undiscovered burial site.

As they waited for their teammates to return, JJ watched Reid yield to a huge yawn. She sat him down and massaged his shoulders.

"You're exhausted, Spence. No one would fault you for lying down for a short nap, you know. You've done more than your share for the investigation today."

"I'm afraid if I lay down, no one will be able to get me up again." He rolled his head back on his neck, enjoying the feel of her fingers as they kneaded out the tension.

"Oh, I don't know about that. I seem to be able to get Henry up from a sound sleep. And believe me, that's a talent." She gently prodded him to rise and moved him over to a leather sofa in the room.

"You're serious?"

"I'm serious. You're exhausted, and we both know it's not just from lack of sleep. Lie down and I'll bet I can put you out in under a minute."

He was too tired to argue. Once he was stretched out, she rolled him on his side, away from her, and tackled his shoulders again. A soft snore told her she'd won her bet.

* * *

By the time the rest of the team returned, Reid was up and feeling somewhat refreshed. He'd awakened to see JJ sitting at the table with their paperwork.

"Do I owe you anything for that?" He was stretching out from his nap, the tension released from his shoulders.

"Only your undying thanks...and acknowledgement that you should  _always_  listen to me."

He smiled at her, genuinely grateful. "Yes, ma'am."


	4. Chapter 4

**Consequences**

**Chapter 4**

The BAU team reassembled ahead of the task force meeting to review the information that had come in. JJ gave the report to her colleagues.

"As expected, the interviews of the families of the two Detroit missings didn't provide us with much. Neither had any connections here or to the location where the other victims' cars were recovered. Each of them, like most of the population around here, it seems, has at one time or another been to the rest stop where the two highways meet."

Reid provided the next bit of information. "The local PD members of the task force interviewed the families of the men traveling on business. None of the families reported any personal or financial trouble, none admitted to any family difficulties, and none of them were reported to have had any physical or mental health problems, or any substance use issues."

Morgan summarized it. "So we have a group of happy, healthy, wealthy businessmen who each disappeared from a road trip, possibly from the same location, over a period of two years. Correct?"

Reid clarified. "I don't know about the 'wealthy', but the families made it sound like they were at least 'comfortable'. And the detectives said their houses were all in upscale neighborhoods."

"Can we go over what their businesses were again? There's got to be  _some_  connection." Rossi often found it helpful to 'reboot' an investigation.

JJ pulled out the information. "Sure. We've got one who owns a chain of floral shops, one a hospital executive, one who does IT for a school system, and one retired from, but consulting to, the auto industry. At least on the surface of it, there doesn't seem to be any connection."

Reid added, "We asked Garcia to see what she can find out about them electronically. She should have something soon."

Emily had something else on her mind. "What about this guy 'Hitch'?"

They were waiting on the sketch artist to complete her work with the restaurant manager.

"What could make him look older than he is? Rossi, you mentioned combat. What else?"

"Illness, mental illness, stress, medication, drugs." Morgan easily provided a list.

"Any of which might be precipitated by a combat experience." Rossi turned to Emily again. "Why was it that the manager thought he might be a vet?"

"Well, apart from his sometimes wearing fatigues, he apparently had a tattoo on his arm—a tank, and a name."

On cue, the sketch artist joined them with copies of her work. "I've got two sketches, one of the man called 'Hitch', and the other of his tattoo. The witness thought it was pretty distinctive."

It was. The team noted the design of the tank and, inside a banner overriding the tank, the notation, 'Danny, RIP, 2005." The sketch of Hitch looked to be of someone in his mid to late forties, thin, unkempt. But they knew they might need to lower his age range, given the perception of the restaurant manager.

Rossi put his knowledge of military methods and procedure to use. "You know, I wonder if the 'hitch' that the name refers to could be his time in the army. My guess would be that he was present for the death of Danny. That would put him in the army in 2005. We were in both Iraq and Afghanistan then, but my bet would be Iraq."

Morgan was picking up his phone. Looking at him, Hotch remarked, "It'll be a long shot, but go ahead and see what she can do."

"Hotch, don't you know by now that Baby Girl can do anything?"

She'd picked up the call in time to hear his last comment.

"Why Derek, how very nice of you to acknowledge my technological prowess." Gaining a scowl from Morgan and a smirk in his direction from Reid.

Before Morgan could make his request, Garcia spoke again. "I was just about to call you guys anyway. I've been able to look at our business travelers. No connections via spouses, children, work, play or church, as far as I can tell. But they do share a common history."

All ears perked up. Rossi was pretty sure he knew what she was about to tell them.

"They all have some connection with the military. One of them had a father who died in Vietnam, one served in Desert Storm, one has a daughter at the Naval Academy, and one has a son who's on his third tour of duty-two in Iraq, the current one in Afghanistan."

Rossi was nodding. "I expected as much." When the others all looked at him for an explanation, he expounded. "From the description we were given of him, he would have presented as a vagrant. Not someone you'd allow to get close to you. Unless there was something that made you feel connected."

Hotch agreed with Rossi. "The military brotherhood is powerful. If our presumed victims were aware of his service in the army, they would have felt compelled to help him in some way."

"So we need to figure out who he is and bring him in," said Morgan. Which brought him to why he'd called Garcia in the first place.

"Baby Girl, you'll get a chance to show us just how much 'technological prowess' you really have with this one. We need you to identify anyone named 'Danny' or 'Daniel', serving with a tank unit, killed in Iraq in 2005."

There was silence on the other end of the line while Garcia tried her best to come up with a witty retort. Failing that, she said, flippantly, "Is that all?"

Morgan was smiling, knowing he'd challenged her. "No, that's not all, Baby Girl. Then we want you to identify another member of the same unit, going by the name, or nickname, of 'Hitch'." Pause. "And then we'd like his current address."

They'd never heard so much silence from Garcia. She finally signed off with a sigh. "As you wish, my tormentors."

Emily anticipated the trouble they would have in getting an identification, and realized they had an alternative. "You know, we can go and hang out at the restaurant and wait for him to come to us." She looked meaningfully at Rossi as she suggested they make themselves available to their presumed unsub.

"Rossi, you've got the knowledge and experience. If we can get the manager to call us when he sees Hitch, we can have you stop in for a bite to eat, and then you can allow him to approach you, or you can approach him."

The others were nodding, but Reid wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea. "Guys, we don't know enough about what happens between the unsub and the victims. We don't know exactly how he disables them, or where, or how soon after he meets them. We know that he eventually stabs them and buries them, but he could be doing that at the burial scene. Which would mean he probably disables them in some other way beforehand. Even if Rossi is wearing a vest, that would only protect him from the ritual stabbing, not what might come before."

Rossi was touched at his young colleague's concern for him. But he'd been here before, and knew the risks, at the same time that he knew his team would do what they could to minimize them. He tried to reassure Reid.

"The victims didn't have five sets of eyes watching out for them. And we'll have even more help from the rest of the task force. I think it's a calculated risk, but I think the odds are in our favor.  _My_  favor."

JJ was concerned about the timing. "If these killings are happening every couple of months, then he's not due to cycle for at least another six weeks."

"Unless the cycle isn't real," said Hotch. "It may be an artifact of when the war veteran encounters the sympathetic traveler. We won't know until we try this." The unit chief had made up his mind.

* * *

Hotch convened the entire task force at five, reviewing the status of the investigation and advising them on the current plan. The team would station themselves in the fast food restaurant and in the parking lot of the strip mall. A contingent of the task force would be located in the wooded areas near the burial sites, stationed to be ready in the event the unsub would approach the area for another burial. The cadaver dogs had been called off.

JJ became aware of a notable absence at the full task force meeting, and excused herself to investigate. She found Reid in the conference room, apparently lost in thought. She approached him quietly.

"Spence? Are you okay?"

He startled. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm okay."

It sounded sincere. "So then why are you here, by yourself?"

As much as he could accomplish inside his own head, it sometimes helped him to think aloud and bounce ideas off someone else.

"I don't think we've looked at everything yet, JJ. We've got information about the victims, and our presumed unsub, and about the general locations of everything. But I think there's got to be something significant about the burial sites. I mean, he didn't return to the exact same location when he buried the second set of bodies, he picked a spot a half mile away. And, think about it.."

He was getting energized now. JJ recognized the genius synapses firing. When Reid started going like this, it was important to sit up and listen. Observing through the window that the meeting was breaking up, she caught Hotch's eye. She met him at the door and explained what seemed to be happening.

Hotch looked past her at Reid. He could see the wheels turning as well, and made an executive decision. "Stay with him. We'll pull another couple of task force personnel to help at the strip mall." He turned to go, then turned back. "JJ? Call me the minute he has something."

"Will do. Be careful. And please, look out for Rossi." She was fond of the agent who'd influenced her to join the FBI.

JJ turned back to Reid. "Spence, you were saying?"

"I was saying that, if you think about it, he had to have buried the one body at one site, then moved to the other site and buried the next body, then ….and this is just speculation, since we haven't found anything else…he would have gone to a third site. And then back to each, and in a different order. It doesn't make sense."

"Is it supposed to? Aren't we thinking he's got a mental illness?"

"Maybe. Maybe a compulsion. But there should be some pattern within it. We have to find the pattern."

JJ walked over to the map Reid had been studying. It was a blowup of a section of the larger one they'd used this afternoon. She could see that he'd plotted the two known burial sites on it.

Turning to Reid, she could see him squinting in deep thought. Then watched his eyes go wide in a flash of discovery. He pulled out his phone.

"Garcia, can you plot these coordinates on a map and send it to our tablets? We'll need a satellite view." He gave her the coordinates of the burial sites.

"Can do my love." They heard the click of her computer keys, then, "There you go."

JJ watched over Reid's shoulder as the map came up. Then watched his long, thin fingers spread the picture until the wooded area holding the burial sites took up most of the screen. And then watched as he slid the screen sideways.

"Oh."

He looked at her over his shoulder. "You see it."

"He's extending the row."

"Exactly. And I'll bet our third gravesite is somewhere along here."

He was pointing to the space between where the two burial sites lined up with each other...and with the cemetery on the other side of the woods. They were used to assuming triangulation, which made it difficult when there were only two points to work with. If they'd had the third, they would have seen that the unsub was making a straight line, in parallel with those of the nearby cemetery.

As promised, JJ called Hotch to fill him in. "We've got Garcia trying to find out if there's a veteran named 'Danny' buried in the cemetery. But the cemetery is pretty huge, there are likely to be a lot of them. I think it would be easier if we just went and looked at that area ourselves."

With their superior's blessing, the two agents left to walk the cemetery. Reid drove again, allowing JJ to call home. It was approaching Henry's bedtime, and she wanted to say goodnight. The conversation was virtually a repeat of the one the evening before. Reid tried not to eavesdrop on JJ's half of the conversation with Will, but couldn't help overhearing.

"I'm hoping we'll be home tomorrow." …" Right."….. "On Sunday."... "In the afternoon, it will have to be a matinee, Henry can't stay up."…."I don't know."… "If you don't want me to, I won't."... "Okay, good night."

Reid noticed the omission of the "me too". He also couldn't put his profiling skills away.

"JJ, does Will not want me to take Henry to the movie?"

She stole a look at him, prepared to deny it, then realized he already knew. Turning to look back out the windshield, she answered him. "No...I don't know. He…..I don't know. Let's not talk about it, okay?"

He looked at her briefly. "JJ, if he doesn't want me to do it, I don't have to do it. Would he rather I do something else with Henry?"

_He'd rather you not do anything with Henry. Ever._ JJ thought it, but would never say it aloud. Instead, she responded, "No, it's fine, Spence. And besides, Henry's really looking forward to it _." I'll worry later about Will._

Reid was not in the habit of being intrusive, even with JJ, so he let it go. But the tension wasn't lost on him.

* * *

They'd arrived at the cemetery. This time they were both armed with flashlights and guns, and this time they were on grassy, largely level, ground. Garcia honed in on Reid's cell signal to tell them when they were aligned with the burial sites.

"It's the row you're in, or the one on either side. It's a little inexact when we get down to this close a range."

"Thanks, Garcia. We'll look at all three rows and get back to you with a name."

Reid turned to JJ, about to suggest they each take a row and a half, but stopped when he read the look on her face.

"Woods… _and_  cemeteries?"

"Woods and cemeteries. I don't like either one of them. Not cemeteries, and not woods." She knew he'd never let her live this down, but she was too unnerved to deny it.

"Okaayy…then let's do this together."

So they walked up and down each row, looking for 'Danny' or 'Daniel'. They found three eligible names, but only one with a date of death in 2005.

"Garcia, look for Daniel Regan, DOB 8-12-77, date of death 5-5-2005."

"Got him. No one named Hitch in the same unit. But someone named Allan Peterson from the same home town, fifteen miles from where you are right now. Texting his last known address to all of you now. No phone numbers."

JJ was on her phone with Hotch. "That's right, Garcia's sending his address. What's happening there?"

Hitch hadn't shown up yet. Hotch decided to split the team down the middle and sent Morgan to meet JJ and Reid at the Peterson address. Several units from the local task force would join them. The group met up two blocks away from their target. Several officers were assigned to create a perimeter around the house while the profilers approached it on foot.

JJ and Reid walked together, a couple on an evening stroll. Morgan moved through the yards to cover the house from the rear. JJ noticed him first. "Spence, there, walking up the street, away from the house. I think that might be him. It looked like he came from that driveway."

Morgan heard her over his radio and ran through the yards to the end of the block. He got in front of the man.

"Allan Peterson, FBI. Don't move."

JJ and Reid were running now. They could see the man freeze in place, then dive under a hedge. By the time they got to the end of the block, they could see that Morgan had tackled him easily. JJ slipped plastic ties on the unsub's wrists while Morgan held him.

* * *

Sometimes catching the unsub isn't the last piece of the puzzle. This was one of those times. As confident as the team was that they had their man, they needed to understand why he'd acted.  _But,_  mused Reid,  _I really don't want to understand. Because if I understand, that means I'm capable of being as disturbed as he is._

An inspection of Peterson's home revealed a room set up virtually as a shrine to his friend Danny Regan. Garcia was able to tell them that Regan died when an IED exploded, essentially dismembering him. His friend Allan suffered a traumatic concussion in the same explosion. Allan had been found trying to collect the pieces of his friend's body, to bury them in the sand.

Reid had reached a conclusion. "He's been trying to reenact the scene, trying and failing. I think he chose his victims because of the military connection. It triggered the PTSD episodes. They probably connected with him as a veteran, and then got talking about the war, and he flashed back."

The team was meeting again, trying to make sense of the case.

JJ was disturbed. "But this isn't what PTSD is like, is it? There are so many veterans with PTSD, and they're not out there hurting people."

"You're right, young JJ." Rossi was well versed on the subject. "PTSD is much more likely to hurt the person who has it, than anyone else. This is just a very unique, unfortunate case."

"So sad," observed Emily, "for everyone. For him, for Regan, for the other men who died."

They now knew that there was, indeed, another grave, also in line with the one in the cemetery. There was only a single set of remains in that grave, buried about six months ago. They knew that Peterson's next victim would have joined that body, in the same grave.

"But did we ever figure out why he buried them alive?" wondered Morgan.

"I don't think we'll ever know for sure," Reid responded. " But he seemed to think that, if he could keep them intact, and bury them, they could come back. And, somehow, that connected in his brain with the idea of bringing Danny back. He got it in his head that if Danny had been buried in one piece, he could have survived."

He saw the look on Morgan's face and acknowledged it. "Like I said, it makes no sense."

* * *

Fog kept the plane grounded another night. They would take off in the morning.

This night, all of the profilers met in the lounge, not so much to celebrate…..that would imply a good outcome….but to let down. Hotch found an opportunity to speak with his youngest profiler privately.

"Reid, that was excellent work. But I know this was a difficult case for you." It was a statement, not a question. Unit chiefs were privileged to make observations without permission.

Reid was, as usual, uncomfortable discussing it, but he respected Hotch too much to try to put him off.

Making eye contact with the floor, he admitted it. "It was, a little." Then he looked up, prepared to argue his case. "But I'm okay, Hotch. Really."

Hotch gave the narrow eyed stare that always got a response. "Because you're over it?"

Reid knew Hotch didn't believe that for a minute, and answered truthfully. "No, because I faced it. I looked it in the eye, and it looked back at me. And yes, I blinked. But then I stared it back down. And I didn't need anything to help me."  _Maybe 'someone', but not something._

It could never be overtly discussed, but Hotch knew Reid was referring to the time when his flashbacks drove him to use dilaudid. He gave Reid a rare smile and a pat on the back.

"Okay, I'll agree. You're okay."

Reid returned a small smile to Hotch's back as the unit chief walked away.

It didn't even occur to him that the most diabolical crisis is the one that strikes when you are recovering from another.


	5. Chapter 5

**Consequences**

**Chapter 5**

It was early afternoon when they arrived back to the BAU, still time enough left in the day to get their reports under way. Reid was just returning to his desk with another cup of coffee when Hotch emerged from his office and summoned him. The whole bullpen contingent picked up on the irritation in their unit chief's voice.

"Uh-oh, Reid, what did you do now?" Emily teased him. It had been a long time since her young colleague had been chastised for performing his 'physics magic', and she couldn't imagine what else he might have done.

JJ thought she'd seen more than irritation in Hotch's face when he called for Reid. She hoped there wasn't real trouble. Finding it hard to concentrate, she kept stealing glances up to Hotch's office. She could see the two of them standing, Hotch looking grave. The expression on Reid's face passed from shocked to dejected. She could see her friend close his eyes and shake his head. Hotch put an arm across Reid's back in what looked like a gesture of support as he escorted his youngest to the door.

All of them turned when Reid came back down the stairs, quickly grabbed his messenger and go bags, and took off without a word to anyone.

"Reid?" Emily's voice trailed after him.

"Spence!" JJ watched with consternation as her best friend exited the BAU without a backward glance.

She looked up to Hotch's office, and saw that he was on the phone. But he was looking out the office window, at her. Then he closed his eyes and turned away in conversation.

* * *

JJ knew intuitively that whatever had gone on was not for general consumption. She toyed with the folders on her desk, accomplishing nothing, for the remainder of the afternoon. When the others were gone to home, she made her way upstairs to Hotch's office. She simply stood there, in the doorway, until he lifted his eyes to her. Then she saw his gaze break away from hers, and knew there was real trouble.

"It's not his mother, is it."

It was more a statement than a question. It would have been understandable if Reid had been reacting to some news about his mother _. It's really just a matter of time there, isn't it?_ But JJ knew that Hotch's reaction had to be to something else.

He looked back at her, motioned her to sit down. "No, it's not his mother."

She leaned forward. "Hotch, what is it? Please tell me, you know I care about him. Is he in trouble?"

Hotch gave a grim nod. "He's in trouble." He closed his eyes and shook his head in a gesture of disbelief. "I've just been told he's to be charged in the death of Ian Doyle."

JJ's hand went to her chest as she let out a gasp. "What? No, Hotch, no! How can they charge him? Why?" Both of her hands were at her mouth now.

Her superior visibly folded in upon himself in the chair. He was still shaking his head. "I don't know. I can only guess that it's politically opportune for someone to make an example of a member of the FBI. And they've chosen Reid."

The threat that had hung over her head for most of the past year was emerging into reality. Even knowing it had been lurking in the background, JJ was stunned when it showed itself.

"What are they charging him  _with_?"

Hotch paused a beat before replying. "Criminally negligent manslaughter."

"Criminally negli…..how can they do that? He didn't intend for it to happen! He was just trying to save a child!"

"They're doing it because it's politically expedient. I can't think of any other reason."

JJ's mind was going a mile a minute. This had to have something to do with Strauss and what she'd orchestrated with the congressional subcommittee. Maybe they could pressure her to end it.

"Hotch…"

He knew where she was going. He'd already been there. "I've already talked to her. She says she didn't know anything about it. For what it's worth, she sounded genuinely upset."

"Because it's her fault. If she hadn't gotten the congressmen worked up, this wouldn't have happened." JJ made no effort to conceal her bitterness.

"It won't do anyone any good for us to go down that road. What's done is done. She's said she'll try to intervene, and I believe her." He waited for JJ to make eye contact with him. "She's healthy now."

"Hotch, could you have Rossi talk to her….just in case? Maybe she'll do it for him."

Hotch's very small smile indicated he'd gone down that same path of reasoning. "I've already spoken with him. He's gone to see her."

JJ sat back, still in shock, but needing to arm herself. "What happens now?"

"He'll need representation. I'm looking into that now." He didn't mention what he was actually intending, knowing it would upset her more. What he was about to tell her would be bad enough.

Hotch took a deep breath in and let it out. "He's to turn himself in tomorrow. He'll be arraigned, and a disposition set."

She was wary. "A disposition? Hotch, they won't hold him, will they? He won't be imprisoned?"

Her voice had risen in pitch, and that alone told Hotch all he needed to know about how upset she was. Even with their worst cases, JJ gained personal control with a soft, low voice.

"I don't think so. But I can't be sure." He'd been looking down, now looked at her. "I don't have anything to compare this with. He's certainly not a flight risk. There'd be no reason to keep him. Except it they want to make a further example."

"What could they do to him?" She was so afraid of the answer, she could barely look him in the eye.

"Up to three years in prison. And he'd be dismissed from the FBI."

She clutched at her chest again, then slumped in her chair. JJ felt defeated. "Hotch, where is he?"

"I believe he's gone home, JJ. I don't think he  _has_ anywhere else to go."

* * *

She didn't give Will any specifics, not wanting him to have more reason to be upset about her relationship with Reid. She only told him she had an errand to run on the way home.

She'd been standing at Reid's door for three minutes so far, having knocked and rung the bell. She'd been able to see a light on through the window, and hoped that meant he was at home.

At minute four, she started to call through the door. "Spence? Spence, it's me, JJ." Waited. "Spence, please open the door. Please let me in." Waited longer. "Spencer Reid, I'm not leaving here until you open this door."

Another thirty seconds passed before she heard the lock turn. He opened the door and stood in the doorway, blocking her entrance.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes looked him over from top to bottom, searching for …..something. She could identify only a red rim around his eyes. She tried to push past him, but he wouldn't let her.

"Spence, please, can I come in? I don't want to talk in the doorway."

When he spoke, she noticed how hoarse his voice was. "You should be getting home anyway, JJ. You don't need to come in."

Now she was upset  _and_  angry. She was not about to be pushed away by her best friend when he so clearly needed someone _.  
_

She led with her shoulder, and barreled right past him and into the living room. He had no choice but to close the door and turn to face her.

She was still angry, but not with him. "Hotch told me what happened."

She could see that he wasn't happy with that, had probably asked Hotch to keep it to himself.

"I made him. I could see there was something really wrong, and I made him tell me. Don't be angry with him."

The wind had gone completely out of Reid. His shoulders slumped as he stood before her.

"I'm not angry with him, JJ. It's just that there's nothing to be done. And I didn't want to trouble the team with it."

"Trouble the team? This isn't some minor inconvenience, Spence. The team will need to know. We all love you, we want to help."

As she spoke, she reached out to stroke his arm….and became immediately alarmed.

He knew what she had sensed. "It's just a physiologic reaction. No matter what I do, I can't stop shaking."

That did it. She threw her arms around him, held him as tightly as she could, determined to still the trembling.

"I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's so unfair! You're the most gentle, the most understanding, the most…."

He'd returned the embrace, but now held her away. "JJ, don't."

"Don't?"

"Don't try to make it sound like I didn't do it. I did. I knowingly put that man in danger."

"But you did it to save a child! There  _was_  no other way, you said it yourself at the time."

He turned away from her and walked toward the window.

"Spence, we have to fight this _. Please_  don't tell me you're not going to fight. You could go to prison!" Her voice broke at the last, and she started to cry.

Now he turned back to her, and gripped her by the shoulders. Here was the passion she'd been expecting to see. But it wasn't aimed at fighting the charges.

"JJ, I don't want you involved in this. There is no 'we' here. This is my problem. You have a son to worry about, and a …" He wasn't sure exactly what Will was. "…and Will."

"And you! I worry about  _you_! Spence, please!"

He couldn't stand to see her cry. He pulled her close and held her, tightly. Minutes passed. Eventually, he realized that  _he_  was no longer holding  _her_.  _She_  was holding  _him_. He gave in to the embrace, and the comfort. Drawing some strength from her, he was able to make an admission.

"I'm scared. I don't know what to do."

She tightened her embrace, then released him and brought him over to the sofa. "Stay right here."

He could hear her rooting around in the kitchen while he sat, eyes closed, watching a mental picture of what he thought awaited him. It served to get him more worked up.

JJ came back with two cups of tea. "When I was a little girl, my mom made tea whenever I was upset. She would sit and drink it with me, and by the time we were done, I always felt better."

She looked a little sheepish after admitting that. "I know this isn't something that will get better with a cup of tea, Spence. But I just thought…."

He reached for his, cutting her off. "Thank you." As he took the mug into his hands, he realized he couldn't hold it still, the shaking was so bad. He tried to take a sip, succeeded only in sloshing the tea on his shirt.

Seeing it, JJ put down her own cup and took his from him. Then she reached for both of his hands, holding them in both of hers. They faced each other on the sofa, his hands in hers, their eyes locked together.

"We're going to get through this. And no," she'd seen him open his mouth, preparing to interrupt her, "don't you give me that "there's no 'we'" bit again. You don't get a choice in this, Spencer Reid. You've got me glued to your side, and the rest of the team, too."

The look of protest was back on his face. She knew what he was thinking.

"What, you think you can go through this and they won't demand to help? Spence, all of us were involved, every last one of us. If they're going after you, they'll have to go after the whole team."

"JJ, don't you realize that's what I'm afraid of? I mean, yes, I'm scared for me. I don't even know if this will be my last night of freedom."

She winced at that.

He went on. "But I don't want it to happen to anyone else. The team is important, it does important work. And you're all my friends. I couldn't have this happening to my friends."

JJ gave a humorless laugh at that. "But you think your friends could stand by and watch it happen to you?"

She had him at that. He knew they wouldn't, was grateful in the knowledge. But still didn't want to become a burden, or a threat, to anyone. The eyes he lifted to her now were filled with regret.

"I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I really thought I was doing the right thing. I thought we might be able to save Declan  _and_  Doyle." In a much lower voice, he added, "But it's also true that I was willing to gamble with Doyle's life."

"Spence, you may be a genius, but that doesn't give you the ability to see into the future. You couldn't know what was going to happen. You only knew you had a plan to save a child. And, by the way, no one else had any kind of plan at all."

She still hadn't let go of his hands. It felt like the shaking was easing ever so slightly.

She sighed. "When I think about all that time I let Strauss hold this over my head, all that time I let her get in the way of our friendship...only to have it happen anyway. She told Hotch she didn't do this, and he believes her. But that doesn't mean she didn't set it in motion with the congressional review. Spence, I'm so sorry. I'm so  _angry_!"

"I guess I thought it was over too. I wish I understood why it was surfacing now."

"Hotch thinks it's because the election is in a few months. Two of the members of the committee aren't doing well in the polls. He thinks one or both of them did this to get some positive press."

"And I was stupid enough to give them ammunition, and then to make them angry with me at the hearing. That's what I get for letting my ego get the best of me."

"It wasn't your ego, Spence. It was your caring. You should never apologize for that."

She squeezed his hands and let go, placing the tea back into them. "Let's see if you can get it into your mouth this time."

He gave a little snort at that, then obeyed her. The warmth was soothing…..excessively soothing.

"JJ, did you put something in here?"

"Who, me?" Wide-eyed innocence stared back at him. "Well, maybe. Maybe I stopped and picked up a little thing of whiskey on the way over."

Now she got a genuine smile. "Are you telling me your mom gave you spiked tea?"

She smiled back at him. "Only on special occasions."

He leaned back against the cushions, his muscles finally relaxing a bit. JJ joined him, and leaned her head on his arm. She couldn't be sure, but she thought the physical contact was having more of an effect on him than the whiskey-laced tea. She reached over and took his hand.

"Spence, we really are going to get through this. You have to believe it. And you have to be willing to fight. Please, can we agree on that?"

"I'm guessing you won't leave me alone until I do?"

"You've got that right."

He heaved a great sigh. "Then it's a fight. And I'm glad I have you on my side. I'm too afraid to go up against you."

She laughed at that, relieved that a little bit of humor had crept into the conversation. She put down her tea and turned to study him as she rose.

"I probably need to get going. Will you be all right?"

He rose with her. She'd held his gaze a little too tightly with that last question. He knew she meant more than what she'd asked. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his one year medallion.

"I'll be okay. I know there are more important things to lose in life."

She teared up briefly at that, then reached out to embrace him once again. "I love you, Spencer Reid. We all do. Don't you forget that." With a final squeeze, she left him.

He stood staring at the door. Even with the weight of the world on his shoulders, he found himself wishing she'd not diluted the "I" with the "we".


	6. Chapter 6

**Consequences**

**Chapter 6**

Reid had long since given up trying to sleep. His genius brain was constantly running all the possibilities and probabilities at lightning speed, and none of the likely outcomes was encouraging _._

_I can't argue with them. I did it. I came up with the plan, I argued for it, I helped carry it out. And a man died. In the end, it doesn't really matter if I intended it. I always knew it was possible._

He tried diverting his thoughts with a book, but was having no luck this night. His mind refused to leave the matter at hand. He kept trying to picture what would happen tomorrow…. _today_. He doubted they would be used, but he couldn't shake the vision of himself in handcuffs.

In the silence, it was easy to hear his phone vibrating in the next room. He got up to see who might be looking for him in the wee hours of the morning.

JJ. She'd texted him: ARE YOU OKAY?

He texted back: WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?

Now the phone rang.

"JJ, why are you awake?"

She was whispering. "Same reason as you, no doubt. I couldn't sleep. Have you gotten any at all?"

"None. I can't keep it out of my head. My mind keeps racing. I don't even know where to start."

"Well, I do. We need to get you a lawyer. Hotch was going to work on it last night, but I haven't heard anything from him yet. He's pretty connected from his time as a prosecutor."

"JJ, how do we tell the team? You and Hotch were the only ones who knew this might even be a possibility one day. It will come at them completely out of the blue."

She realized he didn't know. "Spence, Hotch called everyone in early today, for a meeting. He's going to tell them then."

"Why didn't I….." It hit him all over again. He wouldn't be there. Wouldn't be going in to the BAU. Perhaps not ever again.

She could sense his struggle. "Spence, it will be all right. After the meeting, Hotch and I will be by to pick you up."

"What? No, JJ, I don't want you there. I don't want you to see me …..like that."

She wanted to reach right through the phone to him. Partly to comfort him, and partly to throttle him.

"Spence, get it through your head, please…..I'm going to be with you in this. Every step of the way. Even if you push me away. Even if you get angry. Even if you're upset with me, I'm there." She waited, then, "Got it?"

A very subdued, but grateful, "Got it," came through the phone. "But I don't want you to get hurt in this. That's the last thing I'd ever want."

"I'm already hurt, Spence. What hurts you, hurts me."

As moved as he was by the sentiment, he would have given anything for it not to be true. He didn't want to cause her pain.

Suddenly, another disturbing thought occurred to him. "There is something I may need your help with."

_Ah, a breakthrough,_  she thought. "Of course, Spence. What is it?"

"This will probably be in the news. I mean, an FBI agent arrested for manslaughter...I can't imagine it won't be."

She agreed with him, and especially because publicity was what appeared to be motivating the politicians in the first place. It was still painful to hear it said aloud. Her heart squeezed tighter.

"So, please don't let Henry see any of it." Pause. "I don't want him to think of me that way."

He couldn't see her eyes filling through the phone. "Of course I won't."

"And my mom…..she doesn't look at the news much, but do you think you can call out to Bennington and speak to Dr. Norman? He won't be in until about ten our time. If you explain it to him, he can make sure she doesn't see any articles. I don't want her thinking about me that way either, it would hurt her too much. And especially if she thinks the government is doing something…..well, you know."

She could hide her tears from him, but she couldn't hide the emotion in her voice. "I hadn't even thought about that. Oh, Spence, I am so, so sorry about everything. I'll do whatever you need me to. Do you want me to call your dad?"

Both of them remembered that William Reid followed the life of his abandoned son through internet searches. He was sure to see any news item about this.

"Don't bother." The bitterness was always evident when Reid spoke about his father. "If it just confirms for him that he walked out on a screw-up son, well, so be it. Runs in the family."

"Don't you talk about my best friend that way, Spencer Reid. You're not a screw up. You're a kind, dedicated, caring man who is willing to put himself in harm's way if it will help another person. And whom, by the way, I chose to be godfather to my son for those very reasons."

He was silent, so she continued. "Don't you forget that, Spence. Don't forget who you are. This doesn't define you. It says a lot more about the people who are doing this to further their own ambition than it will ever say about you."

He realized she'd just named exactly what he had been doing, redefining the self he knew by the charges against him. He was grateful beyond words that she'd had the wisdom to see that, and the sense to say it to him.

He had to swallow before he could speak again, and then just barely got it out. "Thank you, JJ. Thank you." He couldn't talk any more. "I have to go now."

She could hear that he was barely holding it together. "I'll see you in a few hours. Try to close your eyes for a little bit, okay?"

"I'll try."

The connection broken, each of them sat, miles apart, alone, in the dark. Their thoughts were with each other, and the uncertain future.

* * *

"Do you know what this is about, Prentiss? Hotch wanting us in early for a meeting? Doesn't seem like a good thing." Morgan was getting his coffee before the team gathered.

"I don't know, but it makes me nervous. It usually means some bureaucratic nightmare is about to come down upon us." She meant it as a joke, but they both knew there was some truth to it.

JJ and Rossi were already in the conference room, as was Hotch, the three who already knew the reason the meeting had been called. They remained silent about it until the group was fully gathered.

The sound of Garcia's heels clicking down the hallway signaled that the last of them was present. Except….

"Where's Pretty Boy? Sleeping in this morning?" Morgan looked around for his would-be little brother.

Without answering, Hotch started the meeting, an indication that Reid wasn't expected. Morgan and Prentiss looked at each other, puzzled, and then at the others gathered around the table. Emily became concerned when she saw JJ studiously examining the empty space in front of her. 

_Something is up._  

She remembered when JJ had been taken from the team and transferred to the Pentagon. 

_Please don't tell me it's happening again. Are they after Reid now?_

"Thank you all for coming in early." Hotch looked as stern and serious as any of them had ever seen him. "I have some news, and it will be difficult to hear."

The three team members left in the dark stiffened, bracing themselves for an unknown threat.

Hotch looked from Garcia, to Prentiss, to Morgan. "You all remember the congressional subcommittee that investigated the events surrounding the death of Ian Doyle."

Emily winced. More fallout from that treacherous time in her life.

"Yesterday afternoon, I was informed that the subcommittee has made a recommendation, and it is now being acted upon."

They were all unnerved to watch Hotch's face fall as he told them the rest.

"They made a finding that the death of Ian Doyle was caused by reckless disregard for human life, and that charges should be filed."

Jaws dropped on the three team members hearing the news for the first time.

"They're going after the team?" Morgan was outraged. "We'll fight them, Hotch. We have to." He began gearing up for battle.

"It's not the team they're going after, Morgan." The unit chief's eyes reflected both anger and resignation as he told them, "It's Reid."

Garcia and Emily both gasped.  _Reid?_  Morgan shook his head, as though his hearing had gone bad.

"Reid? How can they go after Reid?" Morgan was shouting now, until Garcia put a hand on his arm.

JJ had barely gotten herself together enough to come to work. Now, sleepless, anxious, terrified for her friend, she spoke out. Her voice was so quiet that the others had to lean forward to hear her. She told them about how Strauss had used the subcommittee and this particular threat to get her to come back to the BAU, with the understanding that she would pass along information that could be used against Hotch. How she'd strung Strauss along while waiting for the congressmen on the subcommittee to lose interest. How Reid had confronted Strauss, once he'd found out. How they'd thought it was all behind them. How they'd found out they were wrong.

Rossi listened without comment. He'd been brought in on it the afternoon before, charged with doing what he could to have Erin Strauss intervene. His sadness was almost palpable. The woman with whom he'd once had a relationship had become someone he no longer recognized. Partly, the alcohol had done that. But so had her ambition. Now, with the alcohol behind her, he'd hoped to see something of the woman he remembered. On the surface, she'd been sympathetic and supportive. But, in the end, the ambition had won out. She 'couldn't think how' she'd be able to help Reid.

"Hotch, we have to stop this." Morgan was in full protective mode.

Hotch wearily sank into a seat. JJ thought he looked like he hadn't slept either.

"There is no stopping it, Morgan. He's turning himself in at two this afternoon."

Morgan slapped the table and stood, looking for something else to hit. Garcia rose and put a hand on his arm.

Emily was stricken. None of this would have happened if not for her and the choices she had made in her life. "JJ, how is he?"

JJ's voice was shaking, despite her best effort at being professional. "He's scared. And he thinks he should carry it all on his shoulders. He's afraid of hurting the team."

Rossi reached an arm around her.

Emily's face was in her hands. "God. Oh, God. This is all my fault. This is all my fault."

JJ reached out to her. "No it's not, Emily. You're sounding like Spence. None of this is anyone's fault except Ian Doyle's. And maybe Erin Stauss'. We're not going to be able to help him if all we do is assign blame, even to ourselves."

"JJ's right." Hotch was trying to control the uncontrollable. "We can help Reid best by coming up with a strategy." Now he looked uncomfortably around the table at them. He hadn't even told this to Rossi or JJ yet.

"I've given this a lot of thought, and sought out some legal opinions. So far, it looks like I can't represent Reid, because there would be too many 'conflict of interest' issues. But I  _can_  consult on his defense. I am planning to just that. I'll be taking a leave from the BAU, during which time I will serve as a consultant to Reid's defense team."

There were concerned eyes all around the table. Rossi voiced it for the rest.

"What does that mean for the team?"

"I've spoken with Strauss, and she's spoken with the director. It's likely the team would have to be available to the trial anyway, so she's putting us on extended stand down. The rest of you will perform the usual case reviews, teaching and local consultations, until the team is fully reconstituted."

They heard the intent of those final words. Hotch was doing his best to convince his team that they would be able to save their youngest member. He hoped against hope that he wasn't wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N. I'm about to enter unfamiliar territory with this story. For the bulk of my stories, I've pretty much written what I know. But the criminal justice system, and especially the court-related work, is foreign. Apart from what I can research on line, I only know it from TV-and you know how that goes. So I apologize to those of you who are far more familiar with the field. You are about to be constantly reminded that this is, indeed, a work of fiction.**

* * *

**Consequences**

**Chapter 7**

"So who is this person you found to represent Spence?" JJ quizzed Hotch as they drove to Reid's.

It had been hard to convince the others to remain behind, but JJ had prevailed. "Spence is embarrassed about this. He doesn't want to have an audience for it."

"Why? It's not his fault. Wouldn't it be good to show support?" Morgan's words did nothing to mask his true intention. He wanted the BAU to make a strong showing to intimidate the prosecution.

"Derek, this is our gentle genius we're talking about." Garcia was feeling protective. "This will be hard enough on him. If he doesn't want us there, we should honor his wishes."

None of them commented on the fact that JJ clearly intended to be present at the hearing. They were aware of her close friendship with Reid.

Emily was in agreement. "JJ, you'll tell him we love him, won't you?" She was obviously struggling with a feeling of guilt about the whole thing.

"He already knows that, Emily, but yes, of course I'll tell him."

JJ reflected on how grateful she was to work with a group of people who cared so much about one another as she waited for Hotch's response to her question.

"Her name is Kathryn Kelly. Or, as she usually puts it, Kathryn inside the courtroom, Katie outside. I went up against her a few times, and actually lost... twice."

"Whoa, that must have been something." JJ was familiar with Hotch's reputation as a prosecutor.

"It was. She's a pretty formidable adversary in the courtroom. I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have represent a member of my family…I mean, my team."

JJ smiled. Hotch always did his best to maintain a slight reserve from his work colleagues, but his slip of the tongue belied his true feelings. The subject matter made JJ dare to ask something about which she'd often wondered.

"Hotch, why  _did_  you leave your position as a prosecutor? You were already fighting the good fight."

He stole a sideways look at her. "As a prosecutor, I only entered the fight after the damage had been done. And there was so much damage…." He paused, remembering. "With the BAU, I get to stop them in the middle of things, before they can hurt that next person." He looked back at her again. "It's that simple."

They pulled up in front of Reid's place and went to the door. This time, he answered the first ring of the bell.

JJ couldn't help but react to his appearance. Reid was wearing a brown suit, his tie tightly knotted, his long hair neatly combed.  _Handsome and hot,_ she thought. And then mentally kicked herself for the distraction. This wasn't the first time she'd wanted to drool over the looks of her 'BFF'.  _But it is the most inappropriate. Knock it off, Jareau._

Examining him less superficially, JJ noticed how exhausted he looked.

"Did you get any rest after we spoke?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I just couldn't get my eyes to close, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I can tell. You look exhausted, JJ." He glanced over at his unit chief. "You too, Hotch."

"I didn't sleep all that much either. But it only matters that your lawyer is well rested." He looked at his watch. "We need to get going, she's expecting us."

Hotch had already advised Reid about his recommendation for a defense attorney when they'd spoken on the phone earlier. Reid was grateful for the help. His only experience with criminal law so far had been as a witness for the prosecution. Being on the defendant's end of things was completely uncharted territory for him.

As they started to leave the apartment, JJ noticed that Reid was leaving his messenger bag behind. Knowing that he always carried a supply of books in it, she reminded him to take it.

He looked at it longingly, but shook his head. "I won't need it, JJ. I can't concentrate enough to read."

That raised JJ's concern for Reid even higher. The brain that needed constant engagement was bending under the pressure he was experiencing. Before she followed him out the door, she gave in to an impulse. She grabbed the bag and tucked it under her arm, using it almost as a good luck charm. 

_Here's to hoping he'll be able to put you to good use after the hearing._

* * *

Katie Kelly was, not surprisingly given her name, red-haired and green-eyed, a contemporary of Hotch. They greeted each other with a warmth that was surprising until Katie revealed, "We had some classes together in law school. We were actually pretty good friends at one time, until I went one way….and he went the wrong way."

It was an old joke between them, and Hotch smirked in response. If the occasion hadn't been so serious, JJ and Reid would have enjoyed this revelation about their boss.

"Katie, this is Dr. Spencer Reid, Agent Jennifer Jareau." Hotch handled the introductions. "JJ, Reid, this is Kathryn Kelly."

She shook hands with each of them. "Please, call me Katie. Outside of the courtroom, anyway."

"They call me 'JJ'."

"And I'm either Reid or," looking at JJ, prepared to introduce the name that only she called him, then deciding to keep it special between them, "well, just Reid."

"Very well, Reid. Aaron filled me in on the charges against you. I have to say, this is a tub of bullcrap. Somebody's trying to make a name for themselves on virtually nothing."

She eyed Reid. "I can tell from looking at you that you can't wait to tell me your version of things. But don't. I actually don't need to know it. I only need to poke holes in  _their_  version. Reasonable doubt, you know?"

Reid was shocked. "You don't want to know the truth?"

"Ah, the truth. Well, yes, it has its place. But not necessarily in a criminal trial. In a criminal trial, the most important thing is whether the prosecution can prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt."

Hotch was in familiar territory, but JJ and Reid felt like they'd landed on another planet. They'd each assumed they would tell Reid's attorney what had happened, and the intentions behind it. And then they'd assumed that attorney would make the case before the court. This…this dispensing with the truth for the sake of a desired outcome….it felt wrong. Even if they had the same ultimate goal of preserving Reid's freedom, the method felt wrong.

JJ looked to Hotch for his reaction. His expression told her that this was exactly how he'd expected things to go. Trusting her unit chief, if not Reid's attorney, she withheld her objection. She stretched out a hand to touch Reid's arm, to communicate the conclusion she'd reached.

Reid turned worried eyes to her, and read reassurance in hers. Swallowing his concern, he was going to have to trust that Hotch had brought him to someone capable.

"All right," he said, in a quiet voice.

"All right. Now, we have to be ready for today." Katie grasped Reid's hand and looked intently into his eyes. "I know you're nervous, it would be crazy not to be. But today is just a formality. We'll stand before the judge," she always made it a point to use the 'we', so her clients would feel less alone, "and the clerk will read the charges. The judge will ask how you plead. You should try to make your voice loud, and strong. And you'll plead 'not guilty', of course."

As much as Katie was obviously trying to reassure and encourage Reid, JJ could see the anxiety hit him again as he was made to envision himself before the court. Standing behind him, she placed a hand on his shoulder. He reached up and grasped her hand, holding tightly. She could feel that he was shaking again.

Katie continued. "The prosecutor will make a recommendation on bail, and we'll ask that you be released on your own recognizance. It's likely the judge will agree."

Reid caught the 'likely'. "And if the judge doesn't agree?" Even his voice was shaky, JJ observed.

Hotch answered the question. "If the judge sets bail, we'll post it. You're going to spend the night in your home, Reid." He, too, could feel Reid's fear.

JJ turned to the window so they couldn't see the distress on her face.  _I can't believe this is happening._  She took the moment to collect herself. She didn't want Reid to see how upset she was. She felt like he needed to draw upon her strength, and she was determined that he should be able to do so.

Katie and Hotch moved over to her desk to start discussing strategy, leaving JJ and Reid alone.

"It will be all right, Spence. Hotch trusts her, and I trust Hotch. I'm sure we're in good hands."

"I know. You're right. It's just that, as the time gets closer, and I can't be sure what will happen…..well, I'm just…..scared."

She reached up and pulled him into a soft embrace, wanting him to feel secure.

Across the room, noticing the pair, Katie commented to Hotch, "Are they together?"

And Hotch, ever the profiler, responded, "Not yet."

* * *

They'd talked about what would happen in court, but first Reid had to present himself to the police. He was humiliated by the process of having his mug shot taken and being fingerprinted. Those things happened out of JJ's sight, but she could see the effects of them on Reid's face. Her heart broke for him.

The hearing went much as predicted by Katie Kelly. Reid went somewhere inside himself during much of the proceeding, rising when prodded, saying only "Not guilty" when prompted. JJ watched from the gallery, doing her best to ooze love and support in Reid's direction. She was determined to stay her tears in the courtroom, determined not to let the prosecution see any semblance of weakness. Reid, she noticed, seemed stoic, and distant.

Once the plea had been made, it was time to deal with the question of bail. The prosecutor, James Donner, surprised the defense contingent by making a suggestion for an amount of $250,000. JJ's stomach flipped.  _No!_

Hotch was angry. It appeared that someone in this process...and he suspected it was someone in a much higher sphere of influence than the prosecutor...was playing hardball. If this was a taste of how the trial would go, they would be in for a tough fight. It worried him, but he was careful not to show that worry to Reid.

Reid was resigned to it.  _Sometimes it's better to face your worst fear than to have to keep dealing with it in your imagination_. He'd been behind bars before, interviewing criminals, even tearing apart cells for evidence. But he'd always been able to walk away, back into the world, whenever he wanted. Today, it seemed, that freedom might come to an end.

The judge thought differently. He was not about to have his courtroom used to dramatize a political point.

"Mr. Donner, that's a ridiculous request. There's no danger to society here, and no flight risk. The defendant is released on his own recognizance." The pounding of the judge's gavel indicated it was time to move on to the next case.

Katie and Hotch breathed a sigh of relief and began to gather their papers, ready to move out. Reid sat motionless, not understanding. He'd been resigned to a fate, and now, just that quickly, saved from it. He couldn't get his emotions to respond as rapidly as the court seemed to move.

JJ had been watching him and read his body language. She thought she understood exactly how he was feeling. She moved forward to the area just behind the defendant's table.

"Spence," she called softly. "Spence, it's time to go now. Come on."

She put her hand out toward him, not able to reach him past the barrier. Still looking confused, he rose and followed her hand. Once he came to the aisle, she hooked her arm around his and walked him out.

"Well, that's behind us," she said, doing her best to put a light tone on it.

When he didn't respond, she asked, "Spence, you okay?"

He couldn't even look at her. No matter how much he'd tried to prepare himself, the experience he'd just had…..the being treated like, the being looked upon as, a criminal, had overwhelmed him.  _Who am I? What have I become?_

Katie had explained to them that the arrest and arraignment, being the transition from a normal way of life and into the criminal justice system, were often the hardest parts of the entire ordeal, apart from hearing the verdict. She didn't tell them that she often gauged the guilt or innocence of her clients based on how traumatic the experience was for them. She'd been convinced of Reid's innocence when she saw how devastated he'd been by the process.

She would explain all of that another day. This day, Reid knew only that his world, and his self-image, had changed irrevocably. And JJ, realizing it as well, could only watch it happen.

* * *

Katie ran interference with the press for them, pushing JJ, Hotch and Reid in the direction of the car. At JJ's request, Hotch drove them back to the BAU rather than to Reid's. She wanted to pick up her car and bring him home herself.

"I need to run in and get something from my desk. Come with me."

He wouldn't. Couldn't even think about seeing the rest of the team. Couldn't deal with the shame, nor the sympathy. He insisted on waiting in the car.

JJ was hesitant. "You'll be here when I get back?" Pause. "Promise me."

He did. She went inside and found the rest of her colleagues getting ready to leave for the day. They were all anxious to hear about the court event.

"It was pretty straightforward. He made his plea, and the judge set a date for the trial in two months." She didn't want to talk about what it had done to him.

"JJ, would he talk to me, do you think?" Emily was riddled with guilt about the whole circumstance, and desperately wanted to apologize to Reid.

JJ was sympathetic. "Of course he will, Emily. But I don't think he's ready for anything just yet. But soon, I'm sure."

Rossi was fond of the two youngest agents on the team, and upset that he hadn't been able to persuade Strauss to intervene. He gave JJ a hug as he said, "You tell him we're with him every step of the way. We take care of our own on this team."

Wishing Reid could have heard the words himself, JJ promised to bring the message to him.  _You need to be with your friends, Spence, and they need to be with you._

* * *

They were both silent for the ride to Reid's apartment. He wasn't surprised when she followed him in the door. He didn't have the strength to turn her away. He just needed desperately to get into his private space.

She tried to lighten things. "Did I tell you how hot you look in that suit?"

He gave the smallest smile in response.

"Want me to make us some tea? Or maybe just straight whiskey tonight?"

She'd been looking towards the kitchen, now turned to see him sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands. He'd hidden his face so she wouldn't see that he was crying.

JJ squelched her own tears, needing to be strong for him. She slowly sat down beside him on the sofa and put her arms around him, laying her head against his back.

"Let it out. You can't hold all of this inside, Spence. Go ahead and let it out."

He was embarrassed, but he couldn't stop. "JJ, what have I done with my life? How did I let this happen?"

She got up and knelt on the floor in front of him. She wanted his eyes.

"Spence, look at me." He wouldn't, so she reached in and lifted his chin. "Look at me. You didn't do this. This is someone else's doing. Please, you have to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. I know it was scary, Spence. I was scared too. But it's behind us now."

He broke eye contact. "It was humiliating, JJ." He was shaking his head. "I just never thought I could be…..I never thought it could happen to me. I never thought….." He couldn't talk anymore.

The injustice of this gentle soul, her best friend, being so devastated by the machinations of others infuriated and frustrated JJ. She gave in to her need for release. She moved into Reid and the two clung to each other, tears falling freely, seeking and giving support and comfort, until they were emotionally spent.

As they pulled apart, Reid lifted her back up to the couch. JJ stroked his hair, letting out a small laugh.

"What a pair we are. What a mess!"

He smiled at her. "Don't insult my best friend. She's quite beautiful, you know."

She closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Oh, Spence, I think this might have been the worst day of my life."

He gave her his half smile. "What a coincidence…."

She leaned into him and he reached his arm around her as she put her head on his shoulder. The back of her brain started niggling at her that she needed to get home to Will...but she told it to shut up.

They sat like that for a long while, mostly silent, comfortable with each other, drawing strength and support from each other. Finally the niggling wouldn't leave JJ alone, and she moved to get up. Reid grasped her hand as she did.

"Thank you. For everything. I know I didn't exactly breeze through it, but I also know I couldn't have done any of it without you."

They walked to the door together, and JJ turned to face him. "I really don't want to leave you alone, Spence. Why don't you come and spend the night with us?"

He was already shaking his head. "No, but thanks. I'll be all right here. I think I need to be alone."

"I thought as much, but you know I had to ask. Promise me you'll try to sleep tonight."

"If my phone doesn't ring at three in the morning..." It felt good to make a joke.

"Touche. All right, we'll both try to get some sleep." JJ started to leave, then turned back once again. "Spence, the team really want to support you. Don't be surprised if you hear from them...and please don't turn them away."

He wasn't going to lie to her, but he also wasn't ready to see the rest of the team. He only smiled.

She knew him too well. "I mean it, Spence. And I'm still expecting to see you on Sunday. You promised Henry that matinee."

He wished she didn't know him  _that_  well. Pulling the 'Henry card' was a sure way to get him to cooperate.

"Are you sure, JJ?"

She stared him down. "I'm sure. Be there. One o'clock. Or I'm sending the little guy after you."

He actually laughed at that. "Okay. Thank you." And with a final embrace, they parted.

* * *

He'd shut his phone off for the court proceeding. Now, remembering to turn it back on, Reid found a host of text messages awaiting him.

HANG IN THERE, KID.

WE LOVE YOU, JUNIOR G-MAN!

BE STRONG, MY YOUNG FRIEND.  ANYTHING YOU NEED.

REID, I NEED TO SEE YOU. PLEASE.  I'M SO, SO SORRY.

He hesitated at that. He knew Emily would feel guilty about it, and he didn't want that. But he didn't have it in him to have the conversation tonight.  _Maybe tomorrow, Emily._

Then he realized there was another message.

IS JJ WITH YOU?  SHE DIDN'T COME HOME AND I'M WORRIED.  _  
_

He realized JJ's phone had probably been off as well. Will had sent a second message shortly after the first one, this one sounding annoyed, even angry.

YOU REMIND HER SHE HAS A SON HERE WAITING FOR HER.  ENOUGH OF THIS, SPENCER.

Stricken by the tone, and the content, Reid's thoughts were reeling. Was there trouble between JJ and Will again? Was he the cause of it? Was she unhappy? Did he need to pull away? Could he get through this without her?

He realized he might be spending yet another night without sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Consequences**

**Chapter 8**

JJ let herself in as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake Henry. She found Will sitting on the sofa, in front of the television. He clicked the program off as she came into the room.

"Hi," she said. "Sorry I'm late."

Will wasn't smiling, but his words were benign. "Did you have dinner?"

"Not yet, but that's okay. I'm not really hungry."

"Where were you?"

She'd left early to get in for the meeting, so they hadn't talked in the morning. And she'd been too upset to talk about it the night before. She took a deep breath and went to sit next to Will.

"I was with Spence. There's something going on, and he needed me."

Will still wasn't smiling. His face bore a look that JJ couldn't quite interpret. Hurt? Anger?

"We needed you here, too, JJ."

_This day is getting longer and longer_. "It was sort of a matter of life and death, Will."

"Well put."

When she heard those words, and the bitterness behind them, JJ realized Will knew.

"Was it on the news?"

He stared at her. "Don't worry, Henry didn't see it."

"You know it's not true, Will, he didn't do it. It wasn't his fault. We all made the decision together."

"And yet he's the one charged."

There was an unspoken 'I told you so' in there. A sense of satisfaction with the situation that upset JJ deeply. It wasn't like Will. Or maybe it wasn't like the person she'd thought he was _. Is he just hurt because I was with Spence? Or is this really something I just haven't seen before?_

She chose not to challenge his tone. If he was happy Reid was in trouble, that would bode ill for their own future together. With the relationship already so fragile, she just couldn't go there. And besides, she was too exhausted to fight.

She rose. "I'm going to bed."

Will just looked at her. "Think I'll stay up and watch some more TV."

* * *

For the second straight night, JJ was awake at three. This time her exhaustion had allowed her to sleep for a few hours before a disturbing dream roused her. She couldn't quite remember it, but knew it had been the cause of the pounding she could now feel in her heart.

She turned to see that Will had come to bed and was sleeping beside her. At one time in their relationship, he might have sensed her bad dream. They came with some frequency, but no predictability, presumably a way for her mind to process some of the unspeakable things she dealt with almost every day.

Slipping out of bed, JJ went to the kitchen.  _Might as well try Mom's remedy_. She would make herself some warm milk. While it was heating, she went to look in on Henry. She stood in the doorway, watching the soft rise and fall of his chest. Here was the joy of her life. Here was the reason she was trying again with Will. She owed it to her little boy to try to make a life together with his father. Even when they agreed on nothing else, she and Will agreed that children did best when they lived with two parents who loved one another.  _But what happens when they live with two parents who don't?_

JJ took her milk to the sofa and sat in the dark, sipping, thinking. She was tempted to check on Reid, but didn't want to disturb him if he was sleeping.  _He's so emotionally and physically spent, I hope he can hold on._  She knew he needed her to help him.

Getting up, JJ moved over to the window, so she could look out at the night sky _. I guess there's one good thing about being up at this hour. It's beautiful._

Without thinking what she was doing, she began a conversation.

_God, I don't know about anything anymore. I don't know about Will. I don't know if we're better for Henry together, or apart. I don't want to hurt him. I feel like I've tried so hard to make it work. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. But he's asking me to turn my back on someone who's important to me. Who's been in my life longer than he has. Is that right? It doesn't seem like someone who loves me would ask me to do that. And I've even given in to it. I've canceled things with Spence, I've purposely not had him to the house, because I knew it upset Will. But I know it also hurt Spence. How can that be right? And now, when Spence needs me so badly, I feel like Will wants me to abandon him. How can I do that? I don't think I can. Am I being an irresponsible partner? An irresponsible parent? Please, please send me some direction._

It wasn't the first time she'd prayed about it. The decision to separate from Will several months back had been difficult to make. She had genuine feelings for him. The fact that they'd conceived a child together was more an accident of fate than a statement of relationship, but she had felt like  _maybe_  she could love him. And then found that, even if she did, what he seemed to need from her was more than what she had to give.

The separation had been more difficult on Henry than it had on her. Her son and his father were close. That relationship was the main reason she'd agreed to try again. It hadn't been a smooth reconciliation, but it hadn't been particularly rocky, either. Until now, when she felt like some irreconcilable differences were surfacing. And a sense of ill will that went with them.

JJ's thoughts turned to Reid. He'd seemed so lost today, so bereft of any kind of consolation, except for her. She knew the only family he had was his mentally ill mother and the father who'd abandoned him when he was a boy. And who, for every day he chose to stay out of contact, continued to abandon him, still. She knew that, no matter what Will wanted, she would not abandon Reid as well. She loved him too much.

_BFF love, right? Brotherly love, right? Not anything else. Will is jealous over nothing, right? He only thinks our problems are all about Spence, when really I'm just having trouble loving_ him. _Right?_

And, as she was accustomed to doing when these thoughts came to mind, JJ banished them. They certainly weren't helping her in her attempt at reconciliation with Will.

* * *

Reid was awake as well. He looked longingly at his phone, and then chastised himself.  _You want her to be losing sleep again too?_

He was frightened for his life, the one he'd built with his career and his friends at the BAU. He knew others might look at what he had and find it too small. Maybe it was. But it was so much more than the life he'd grown up with. He had relationships now, and his work was important. His life had meaning. Losing those...the people, the work...would be the same as losing his life.

Every time the thought surfaced...and it did so constantly...he became more anxious. He tried to convince himself that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe they would put him in a minimum security institution, maybe it would even give him more time with his books. But he knew too much about how things worked to believe that.

What devastated him the most was the loss of his personal identity. He'd thought of himself as a crusader for what was right, and just, and honorable. He'd related to that image since he'd been a boy, having identified with all of those heroes in the medieval literature his mother liked to read to him. Now, he was being branded the infidel. And he couldn't reconcile himself to that role.

He could feel the accusation, and the legal ramifications of it, threatening to create a chasm between himself and his friends. One that needed to be there, despite their protests, as a means of protecting them. 

_And she needs to be on the other side as well. For so many reasons. I need to let her go. It's clear Will is unhappy with our relationship, unhappy with me. She's trying to reconcile, I can't be in the way of that._   _Not for Henry's sake. And not for hers._

The thought of going through this ordeal, or anything else, without JJ, left him feeling adrift, without an anchor. Without a reason for going through it at all. He began to wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to bend under the weight of it.

He almost didn't notice dawn breaking. There was a book open on his lap, but he hadn't read a word. Somehow he'd managed to close his eyes and get a few hours of sleep. Now that he was awake again, his mind began racing even before his eyes opened. Thoughts of the trial, and JJ, and Henry, and Strauss, and JJ and Emily, and Doyle, and JJ….all presented themselves in never ending succession. He began to feel his heart racing in concert with his mind. 

_I need to find a way to calm myself, or I'll never survive this._  

And then,  _maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing_.

* * *

He'd finally dozed off in his chair, wakened sometime in the middle of the afternoon by the doorbell. He went hesitantly, having been warned by Katie Kelly that the media might try to surprise him. Looking through the peephole, he was relieved.  _Friend, not foe._

He opened the door. "Emily."

She walked right past him, not even realizing that he hadn't invited her in.

Without preamble, Emily started in. "Reid, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I never, ever, wanted to hurt anyone on the team, and especially not you. I'm so, so sorry."

He motioned her into a seat. "Can I get you anything?"

"What? No, Reid, I just came to apologize. I'm so sorry. I can't even tell you…"

She was so obviously distressed that he found himself trying to comfort her, rather than the other way around.

"Emily, it's not your fault. Please don't take it upon yourself. I made some decisions, they had what should have been obvious consequences, and now there's a price to pay. It's that simple. It's not anything you did."

"But you wouldn't have been in that situation if not for me! God, I can't believe this is happening. I didn't think I could hate Ian Doyle more than I already did, but here it is. And I hate that decisions I made so many years ago unleashed this whole situation. I hate that it's hurt so many people. And you…..especially you!"

To say that the two of them had a complicated relationship was an understatement. The only child in each of them had found something of a sibling. The childless woman in Emily had found something of a son, despite their relative ages. Each had found affection, sympathy, humor, strength, companionship….so many attributes of relationship…..in the other. But all they  really knew was that they did, indeed, love one another, in that complicated way.

If Emily had been a crier, she would have been crying by now. She'd often wished she had that kind of release available to her. But she could only internalize her anguish. Seeing her distress, and remembering how she had reached out to him in times past, Reid moved over so that he was sitting directly across from her.

Just as she had done, he reached out for her hands. "Emily, you didn't do this. I know you would never want to hurt me, or any of us. It just happened. I don't blame you, and I don't want you to blame yourself either."

He waited until she'd lifted her eyes to him. "Please don't give me something else to worry about. It might give me an ulcer."

She just looked at him, incredulous. Had he just made a joke about this? Echoing what she'd said to him when she'd returned from the dead?

Each of them studied the other for a response. She saw the smile in his eyes before she saw it on his mouth.

"You!" She let go of his hand and ruffled his hair. Gradually, her hand left the top of his head and moved down to caress his cheek. "You are such a dear, dear, man, and I am so blessed to have you in my life."

To her great surprise, the absent tears now threatened to fall. "I would give anything…anything…you know that, don't you?"

He took her hand back into his. "I know it. And I count on it." He stopped for a moment, then added "But, Emily, I don't want you getting yourself involved in this. Please promise me you won't do that. This has been bad enough, I don't want to have to worry about you getting in trouble too."

She picked up on the 'bad enough'. "JJ told us about what happened at court yesterday, but she didn't say how it had been for you. Tough, huh?"

Half smile time. "Tough, yeah. There are parts of it that I actually don't remember, I think I'd gone so far away in my mind. I think I'm gonna have to pay a lot better attention at the trial."

He'd been trying for humor again, but Emily heard the truth behind it. She could also see that the darkness under his eyes was deeper, the fatigue written on his face. The idea that a trial still lay before him was unimaginable.

She decided on a change of subject. "Hey, have you had lunch?"

She saw him thinking, and guessed correctly. "When was the last time you had anything to eat at all?"

"I had coffee. And JJ made me some tea." He didn't mention what she'd put in it.

"When? Reid, have you eaten since this happened?"

"I don't remember. I don't think so."

"Well, that settles it. Where are your menus?"

JJ might be able to whip up a meal from the items in his refrigerator, but Emily was a culinary genius when it came to ordering out.

He only had a menu from a small Afghani restaurant located nearby.

"Perfect!" Emily ordered liberally and started pulling plates and utensils out while they waited for the delivery. Then she made Reid retrieve the bottle of wine she'd left in her car.

In honor of their ethnic food choice, Emily set them up on the floor of the living room, setting the food on a low table while they sat on cushions pulled from the sofa. There was an early fall chill to the air, made tolerable when they lit the fireplace. They sat there, feasting, drinking, sharing stories and relaxing in front of the fire until long after the sun set. Emily had been studying Reid the entire time, looking for the subtle signs of relaxation. She noticed when his smile widened, when his laugh came more naturally, when he leaned himself back on his elbow so he could stretch out his legs. A small smile spread across her face.  _My work is done._

For his part, Reid didn't notice those subtle changes while he was living them. He could only look back, after Emily was gone, and realize that some of the tightness had been released from his shoulders, that he hadn't clenched his jaw in hours. He'd been distracted from his worry about the trial, and JJ and Will. He wasn't fool enough to believe it would last, but he was grateful for the respite.

_Thank you, my dear friend Emily._


	9. Chapter 9

**Consequences**

**Chapter 9**

The overcast kept the Sunday sky dark well into midday, matching JJ's mood. The tension in the household had risen over the weekend, despite her restraint in not contacting Reid at all. They both did their best not to let Henry see it. Whether Will liked it or not, the boy was bonded to his godfather. Today, he was excited about going on an outing with him. They were going to the movie about Sammy the School Bus.

"Do you think Uncle Spence took a school bus to school, Mommy?"

JJ opened her mouth, then realized she didn't know the answer to that question. "I'll bet he did, Henry, but you should ask him that when he gets here. Are you all ready for him? Did you brush your teeth after lunch?"

"All clean, Mommy. Ready for popcorn!"

JJ laughed to herself. She knew Reid couldn't refuse Henry anything, so she was sure the popcorn would be accompanied by candy. "But no soda, you got that, little man?"

He looked disappointed. She'd caught him even before the infraction. "Okay." Then, realizing he no longer had anything left to lose, he asked, "Mommy, can you come with us?"

Will had been finishing his own lunch at the table, and now looked up at JJ, awaiting an answer. His expression virtually said, 'I dare you.'

She caught the look and turned away. "Not today, Henry. I've got things to do around here. You and Uncle Spence will have a great time. And then you can tell us all about it when you get home."

"Well, can Uncle Spence have dinner with us, then?" Henry was remembering the many times Reid had entertained him with magic in the hours between dinner and bedtime.

JJ stole a quick look at Will, who had returned to studying his sandwich. "We'll see, Henry. Uncle Spence is pretty busy, so he may not be able to."

"I hope so, I love magic!"

* * *

"Uncle Spence!" Henry launched himself at his favorite profiler. Reid bent to absorb the momentum and lifted his godson into his arms.

"Henry, little man, how are you? I haven't seen you in a long, long time."

"This long, Uncle Spence?" Henry was holding his arms wide apart, still held by Reid.

"Even longer, Henry. I missed you."

Henry was young enough to be comfortable with affection. He hugged Reid and gave him a kiss. "I missed you, too, Uncle Spence."

JJ watched the whole exchange with a smile on her face. She loved that her son and his godfather were so close with each other. And the part of her that was protective of Reid loved that he had a semblance of family here.

At the same time, JJ studied Reid's appearance. He still looked tired, but had a little more life in him than when she'd left him two days ago. Emily had called her after her visit with Reid the day before, wanting more detail on the case against him and what she could do to help. JJ had been happy to hear that she'd gotten Reid to eat, and relax. And that he'd not been alone.

"Are you ready to go, Henry? The movie starts in a half hour."

"Ready, Uncle Spence! Can we get popcorn? And candy?" Henry was a man who liked to plan ahead.

Reid flashed his eyes at JJ, already looking guilty. She just smiled at him, shaking her head. He shrugged back at her. He, too, knew that he could never say 'no' to Henry.

Instead, he went with the much sterner, "We'll see."

Will came to the door to see them off. "Spencer." He nodded his greeting at Reid.

"Hi, Will. Enjoy the game." He remembered JJ saying that Will was planning to watch football.

"I will, thanks. I was just going to say that I'm sorry for your trouble." He couldn't say more in front of Henry.

"Thanks." Reid was embarrassed, and had difficulty making eye contact.

"And that I know you wouldn't want it to cause a problem for anyone else."

The remark made Reid look right at him. He felt like he was being told to keep his distance. JJ's eyes darted back and forth between the two of them.

"I'll make sure it doesn't, don't worry." Reid's gaze was steady on Will. He could feel JJ wanting to get his attention, but wouldn't give it.

"Good." Will turned to Henry. "Have a good time, buddy. Don't eat too much junk."

"I'll have him back in time for dinner."

"Are you gonna have dinner with us, Uncle Spence?"

"You're welcome to stay, Spence. It's apricot chicken." She knew it was one of his favorites.

He stared at her for a few seconds, a disappointed look on his face. "I probably need to get going right after the movie. But thanks, guys. Maybe next time." Pretty sure there wouldn't be one.

JJ, thinking the same thing, gave him a resigned smile. "Maybe next time."

* * *

The phrase 'talking one's ear off' was probably invented when Henry was born. Or so Reid found himself thinking. His godson hadn't stopped since they'd gotten in the car. Reid now knew the name of every child in Henry's preschool class, both teachers and both teacher's aides, whose cubby was next to his, who had knocked down his 'humongous' tower of blocks, who got put into 'time out' most often, and who had the best snacks at lunch.

Having exhausted all of his preschool news, Henry moved on to another topic.

"Daddy and Mommy were fighting, just like Joey, but they didn't have to have a time out."

Reid was caught off guard, and wasn't sure what to do. Ask? Let it go? He couldn't help wanting to know.

"Oh, they were probably just talking, Henry. I'm sure they weren't fighting."

"Well, Daddy said a bad word and then Mommy told me I should go and play in my room. And then I heard them yelling."

Reid caught something in Henry's voice with the last sentence. He used the mirror to eye Henry in the back seat. Was he upset?

"I don't like it when they yell, Uncle Spence. I get scared when they yell."

Reid was getting more concerned. This seemed to jell with the text he'd gotten from Will.

"Does it happen a lot, Henry?"

"Sometimes they just get mad." And then, in a very quiet voice, Henry added, "and sometimes Mommy cries."

Reid was having trouble focusing on the road. He was glad they were pulling into the parking lot. When he'd gotten the car situated, he turned to Henry.

"Was Mommy crying today, Henry?"

"She was crying in the kitchen."

"In the kitchen? Did something happen?"

"She had a boo-boo. She was crying in the kitchen and I made it all better. She had a boo-boo right here," he was touching his chest, over his heart, "and I kissed it and made it all better. That's what Mommy said."

Reid was stunned. As much as he'd gotten the sense that there was trouble between JJ and Will, he'd never quite pictured how it must be for her. Henry was now making it vivid. And he wondered….

"Henry, why did you tell me about this?" Was his godson reaching out to him? Did he understand?

Mr. Chatty was suddenly quiet. "Henry?"

"You can do magic, Uncle Spence."

* * *

Reid was grateful for the resilience of four year olds, and sorry that thirty year olds didn't fare as well. Henry's mood rebounded as he enjoyed watching the adventures of Sammy the School Bus. He could see better from Reid's lap, and spent most of the movie there. Reid loved how they fit perfectly into each other, Henry's little blond head tucked just beneath Reid's chin. He relished holding the weight and the warmth of this little boy he'd come to love so much.

But his thoughts were far away this afternoon. Later he would acknowledge the irony that his concern for JJ had largely taken his mind off the trial, and wonder if he was supposed to be grateful for that.

He tried to lay out all the issues before him. The trial. He needed to protect her, all of them really, from any fallout relating to the accusation and everything that would follow. There needed to be distance between him and them. He hoped they would be able to understand that, and respect his wishes. All except JJ. She had a tendency to lead with her heart where he was concerned. Most of the time, that knowledge warmed him, and made him feel secure. This time, it frightened him, for her. He thought she might be more at risk than any of the others. Strauss had used the congressional subcommittee to plant JJ as a mole within the team. JJ had submitted reports devoid of any information that could be used against the team, and particularly against Hotch or himself. If anything should come out at the trial that indicated JJ had purposely withheld information, she, and her career, could be in trouble as well. He needed to make her see that. He needed to make her care about it.

The situation between JJ and Will. This probably confused him more than anything else. He simply couldn't figure out if he had a role to play in it or not. Many months ago, during that time when he and JJ had their rift over 'the Emily deception', she and Will had separated. Reid hadn't even known, such had been the distance between himself and JJ. So how could he possibly have been a factor?

But then he remembered back to the summer before. That time when JJ had so often comforted him over the loss of Emily. He remembered how Will had been sympathetic at first, then how he'd begun to absent himself from the two best friends' talks after dinner. And then, finally, how he'd started 'having to work late' on the evenings when those dinners took place. 

_He couldn't possibly have been jealous, could he? There was nothing remotely romantic about it. More likely he was disgusted with this wimp who kept showing up on his doorstep, crying on his girlfriend's shoulder._  

JJ had assured Reid that her separation from Will had nothing to do with him, but now he wasn't so sure.

A few months ago, when they repaired their friendship, JJ had still been separated from Will. She hadn't wanted to talk about it with Reid, but he hadn't thought her unhappy. In fact, he'd felt like he and she were drawing closer to each other, in a way that was new to them. Exciting. Maybe romantic. But he'd been able to feel her holding back, and he'd done the same in return.

Reid wasn't sure he would ever have it in him to take the first step in a romantic relationship, no matter who was the object of his affection. But he did know that the stakes would be highest if he did so with JJ. Theirs was the single most important relationship in his life, and he was afraid to risk it by trying to take it in another, perhaps unwelcome, direction.

Back to the present. There was trouble in the Jareau-LaMontagne household, that much was obvious. Could Will have misread the nature of JJ's feelings for Reid?  _Or could I?_  He knew only that her recent determination to be present for him in his time of crisis was probably precipitating its own crisis in her relationship with Will. And now Henry had provided him with a little window into how that must be for her, and for Henry as well.

He was completely torn. The protector in him wanted to be there for her, to make sure she wasn't hurt, nor Henry either. He wanted more than anything for Henry to have the kind of happy childhood that had eluded him. But the analyst in Reid had come to realize that his very presence was part of what threatened that happiness. As much as Reid might have treasured his relationships with the two of them, he was slowly coming to the sad conclusion that he had to let them go….both of them.

He'd reached another conclusion as well. If he really wanted to protect the team, if he really wanted to absent himself from JJ's life, he knew how to do it. As frightening as it was, as demoralizing as he expected it to be, he knew he really had only the one choice. He wouldn't fight the charges. He would change his plea. He would tell the world that he was guilty as charged.

Reid didn't notice the movie coming to an end until the lights came up. Henry turned around and, accurately reading the emotion on his godfather's face, but not understanding the cause, said, "Don't be sad, Uncle Spence. Sammy's gonna see all the kids again. It's the first day of school!"

* * *

The four year old film critic kept up his monologue all the way home. Had he not been so certain this was the last time he would be with his godson, Reid would have found it amusing. Instead, he found himself fighting for control. He didn't want to upset Henry. And he couldn't let JJ see his distress. She could read him like a book, and would know immediately what he was planning to do. And she would try to stop him. He couldn't have that.

Reid brought Henry into the house. Passing Will sitting on the sofa, engrossed in football, they found JJ in the kitchen, working on dinner.

"Mommy, it was the best! Sammy was so sad when he couldn't see the kids in the summer, but then he found out he could take them to camp! And then he was sad again, but then it was the first day of school! I can't wait 'til next year. I'm taking the school bus next year, Uncle Spence!"

JJ laughed at her son and looked at Reid. She noticed the smile that didn't reach to his eyes. Not wanting to probe in front of Henry, she turned to her son. "Henry, did you have popcorn?"

"Yep!"

"And candy?"

Henry knew he was starting to tread on dangerous ground, so he tried to mitigate it. "But no soda, Mommy!"

JJ shook her head, smiling. "I'll bet you're going to tell me there's no room for dinner in there." She patted his tummy.

"Maybe a little bit."

JJ turned to Reid. "How about you, Spence? Do you have room for dinner? Want to stay?"

He tried valiantly to make it a genuine smile, but apparently failed. He could tell she was already reading him. "Thanks, JJ, but I probably need to get going. Thanks for letting me take Henry out."

She could tell something was up, but not what it was. Studying him while she spoke, she said, "All right, but let me make you a plate. You can take it with you." She remembered Emily saying he hadn't eaten in the two days before her visit.

He waited while she put it together. "Thanks, JJ. For everything."

She'd been wrapping the plate, but looked up sharply at his statement. Her antennae were up, but she couldn't quite focus in on the signal. She finished wrapping, and they walked together to the foyer. She called Henry over.

"Say good night to Uncle Spence, Henry, he needs to go. And say thank you."

Henry started to give his usual farewell hug to Reid's knees. But this time his godfather bent down and lifted the boy into his arms. "I love you, Henry. You be a good boy, all right?"

There was something about this that was disturbing JJ, but she couldn't place it. Her sense of concern was heightened when Reid did something entirely out of character. He bent to her, and kissed her on the cheek.

"Good bye, JJ."

"Good night, Spence."

Right after he left, it jelled, and she knew. He hadn't been bidding them 'good night'. He'd been saying a farewell. And she knew exactly what he was planning to do.

_No, Spence! You can't. I won't let you. I won't. I won't!_


	10. Chapter 10

**Consequences**

**Chapter 10**

She texted and phoned him repeatedly, but he didn't respond. She dared not go to his apartment in the middle of the night without precipitating a battle with Will. When the sun finally came up on Monday morning, JJ called Hotch.

"I'm sure that's what he's got planned, Hotch. We've got to stop him. He can't do it! I don't think he could survive it." JJ was frantic.

Her unit chief was much calmer. "He can't do anything today, JJ. Katie's in trial, so she can't go to court with him. I'll be doing background work during the day. I'll call him in to meet with me. I want to keep him occupied anyway."

Reid had been put on administrative leave, not permitted near FBI case materials or computers. Hotch was concerned about where Reid's unoccupied mind might lead him.

"JJ, do you know what made him change his mind?"

Although she wouldn't have described them as close, JJ and Hotch had a supportive, somewhat unique relationship. They were the only team members trying to parent while dealing with such challenging work arrangements and subject matter. They had shared the secret of Emily's survival, risking their relationships with the rest of the team. JJ trusted Hotch. Even so, it was hard for her to tell him what was going on in her life. But, for the sake of Reid, she did.

He listened without interrupting her. When she was finished, he was understanding. "I'm sorry, JJ. You're going through a very difficult time on several fronts. I think you might be right about what Reid is thinking. If he changes his plea, the risk to everyone else goes away."

"And he carries it all on his shoulders." JJ's voice had gone to its deep, controlled timbre. Now that she had an ally, she felt a little calmer. "We just can't let this happen, Hotch. We can't let Strauss win. What point would it serve? She benefits from the publicity of a trial, and so do the congressmen. I can't imagine they ever thought he would just accept it."

He agreed. "You're right. Strauss only benefits if she can make an example of the team. And it's hard to do that if she doesn't have a trial in the news for a few weeks. But Reid probably figured that out as well."

"You'll call me when you've spoken with him?"

"I will. But you know I can't tell you what we talk about, unless he gives me permission."

She'd forgotten. "All right, I guess I'll have to accept that. Just please, Hotch, make him see that he has to fight. That it won't really help any of us if we lose him. Please make him see how important he is to us."

She couldn't see his grim smile through the phone. "I'll do my best, JJ."

* * *

Knowing they wouldn't be called out usually made the team feel more relaxed. But not this time. The tension was palpable. One of their own had been threatened, and was under attack. Each of them was on edge, as though prepared for battle. But this battle wouldn't take place for weeks, if it took place at all.

By mid-morning, Morgan needed to move. His anger was too pent up to allow him to sit at his desk. He decided to visit with Garcia. His Baby Girl always had a way of brightening his day.

He heard voices as he neared the room. Entering, he found JJ with Garcia. At least he thought it was JJ. But the person he was looking at wasn't the colleague who was usually so controlled. Instead, he saw that Garcia's arm was around her, and she was handing over a tissue. _JJ crying?_

"What's going on?" Morgan was on alert.  _As if things aren't bad enough_ , he thought,  _has something else happened?_

Garcia explained for JJ, who was trying to collect herself. "And JJ thinks he's going to plead guilty. She thinks he's trying to protect us. He's not going to fight it." The gentle Garcia was having trouble with her own control.

"What? He can't do that! He can't give in! He can't let them win!" Morgan thought about what would happen to Reid if he pleaded out. "It would kill him to go away. Pretty Boy, you can't let that happen." Speaking to his friend as though he were in the room.

Morgan's reaction put Garcia over the edge. She was crying now, as well. "Derek, what can we do? We have to do something!"

He was quiet for a few moments. Uncharacteristically, he wasn't trying to hit anything.

"I'll do something." He'd said it almost under his breath. Looking up, he turned to Garcia. "I need to take some personal time this afternoon. Let Rossi know."

* * *

Bam! Bam! Bam!

So far today, Reid had avoided answering texts and phone calls from JJ and Hotch. He'd tried to call Katie, but found out that she would be unavailable for several days. It seemed his plan would be delayed.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

He was pretty sure that it wasn't JJ who'd come to see him-not even an angry JJ had that much power. And it was unlikely the media would be so obvious. Through the process of deduction, Reid arrived at the conclusion that Morgan was at the door. And he couldn't afford to have it replaced, so he chose to answer.

"Morgan." He stepped aside. By now he'd noticed the pattern of team members barreling right past him and into his home. He wasn't interested in being run over by Derek Morgan.

"Kid, how are you doing?" Morgan looked him up and down.

"I'm doing. Why are you here, Morgan?"

"I heard you might be thinking about something. And, if you are, you're wrong. I'm here to change your mind."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Morgan stared at him. "You don't."

"Nope." Reid was mentally kicking himself. He could hear it in his voice. He so often turned into the inadequate little brother when he was around Morgan.

Morgan had used the ride over to Reid's place to come up with a strategy. He might be the brawn of the team, but he was also an excellent profiler. He'd come with a plan.

"Come with me."

"What? Where?"

"Just come with me."

"Morgan, I don't want to see anybody on the team. That much should be clear." He was sure Morgan knew he'd been avoiding contact all day. In fact, he was sure JJ had sent Morgan.

"You won't have to see anybody on the team, just come with me." Morgan was not so gently pushing Reid toward the door. Too tired to fight, Reid gave in, and followed his friend to the car.

* * *

"Morgan, I'm on administrative leave. I'm not allowed in the BAU." Reid was getting anxious as Morgan made the turn down the driveway in Quantico.

"Relax, Kid, we're not going to the BAU."

Part way down the road, Morgan veered in a direction unfamiliar to Reid. They parked in front of a building marked 'FBI Training Gym'.

Reid issued his verbal protests even as he followed Morgan inside the facility. "What, you think you can make me over? Make me into some physically intimidating goon to sit at the defense table?" They were inside by now.

"Shut up, Kid." Morgan pushed the heavy workout bag at Reid. It hit the young agent and knocked him off his feet. Reid was angry. He got up and shoved the bag back at Morgan.

"Don't tell me to shut up. This is stupid, Morgan."

Morgan shoved the bag back at him. This time Reid caught it and hit it back in the direction of his colleague. "Knock it off, will you?"

"No, I don't think I will." And Morgan pushed the bag again. Reid batted it away with his fist. Morgan pushed again, Reid batted again. The two went back and forth, picking up speed. Reid was completely riled.

"Stop it! Knock it off!"

Morgan, the profiler, couldn't help but notice that Reid hadn't chosen to simply step out of range of the bag. He kept shoving it at his friend, and Reid kept batting at it.

"That's it, Pretty Boy, hit it back. Hit it harder. Harder. Come on now, you can hit it harder."

Reid was literally punching it now. Something was pouring out of him. He couldn't have stopped himself if he'd wanted to. But he didn't want to.

Morgan started hugging the bag, to hold it still for Reid's blows. "There's an enemy out there, Reid." Three more blows. "And you have to fight it." Two more. "You can't let it win. You can't let  _them_  win."

Reid was panting, and punching. "I…can't….Morgan….there's too much….at stake."

"Kid, there's too much at stake for you not to."

"But so …..many people…could get hurt. JJ…"

"We're already hurt, Reid. When they go after one of our own, they go after all of us. You know that."

Reid was tiring. He was having trouble lifting his arms. "But…JJ…"

Morgan let go of the bag and moved Reid away from it. "JJ wants you to fight."

"But.."

"There's no 'but' about it, Kid. Do you know she was crying this morning? JJ! When have you ever seen her cry?"

Reid wasn't going to tell Morgan how expert he was becoming in dealing with a crying JJ. He knew it was out of character for her to let down in front of anyone but him. "Why?"

"Why was she crying? Because she's afraid you're going to change your plea." His friend studied him. "You wouldn't be thinking about that, would you, Pretty Boy?"

Reid shook his head. He and Morgan had such an unpredictable relationship. No one would have expected that each of them had shared some of their most difficult memories with the other. He could only be honest with his friend now.

"It would make everything easier, Morgan."

"For whom? It wouldn't be easier for anyone on the team. We would have lost someone we all care about. And we'd have a smear against the reputation of the whole team."

Reid hadn't thought about that last point at all.

Morgan continued. "And JJ? You think it would be easier on JJ if you were gone?"

Reid didn't feel like he could divulge JJ's situation, even to his good friend. "It's complicated, Morgan."

"I'm a profiler, Kid, I can see that it's complicated. But apparently I can also see better than you can that JJ would be devastated if you gave up the fight."

Reid sat, slumped. In a quiet voice, almost to himself, he said, "I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do."

Morgan was moved by the tone of his friend's voice. Reid sounded lost.

"Well I do. You fight.  _We_  fight. You're not alone in this, Kid. No one goes after my little brother without fighting me too."

Reid gave him a grateful smile at the 'little brother' comment. It reflected how he thought about their relationship as well.

"I don't know how much fight I have in me, Morgan."

Now his friend smiled. "That, I can help with. We'll be here every day, my man. This bag won't know what, or who, hit it by the time we're done. I know how to build up some fight. We'll do it together."

Reid was intrigued. He  _had_ felt better after battling the bag, stronger somehow. "Okay. All right, you're on. I'll do it."

"You'll fight the charges?"

"I'll fight the bag. We'll see about the charges. I can't talk to Katie until Thursday anyway."

"Fair enough. Now let's go get some lunch. We need to put a little bulk on you or the bag's gonna win." He ruffled Reid's hair as he escorted him out.


	11. Chapter 11

**Consequences**

**Chapter 11**

"Oh, Derek, I knew there was a reason I love you!" Garcia was reacting to Morgan's report of his visit with Reid.

"He hasn't committed to anything but the gym, but I thought I saw a little fire in him. Hopefully…"

JJ was more restrained, but hugged Morgan anyway. "Thank you, Derek. I don't know that any of the rest of us could have gotten through to him that way. And I'm glad there's a reason for you to see him every day. He needs the connection more than he knows."

"You're welcome, Blondie. He's my family too."

JJ called Hotch to fill him in on the events of the day. Her superior approved of Morgan's plan, thinking it would serve two purposes. It would protect Reid from himself in the time leading up to the trial, and it just might steel him for the inevitable blows that living through a trial always brought. He could only hope.

"I haven't been able to reach him all day, JJ. I assume he's avoiding me as much as he is you. So please have Morgan tell him I want to see him after their workout tomorrow."

"I will, Hotch. Thank you." JJ was pretty sure Morgan would be willing to accomplish his task by force, if necessary. Hotch and Reid would definitely be meeting tomorrow.

She was relieved that Reid hadn't been able to change his plea today, but not convinced that he'd abandoned the plan. At the end of the day, she made what was becoming a regular detour on her way home.

* * *

JJ followed the new BAU tradition and walked right past Reid and into his living room. He'd known she would be coming. The fact that he wasn't responding to her texts didn't stop her from sending them. The most recent one read: DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT LETTING ME IN!

He closed the door after her and stood, facing it, and away from her. When he got up the courage to turn around, he couldn't look her in the eye.

JJ, for her part, was fuming. She'd gotten worked up all over again on the ride over. "Explain yourself."

_That_ made him look. He squinted at her, not understanding.

"Don't play that with me. Explain yourself. Explain why you were planning to abandon the team, abandon your life, abandon  _Henry and me_!" Her voice started to break, and she fought for control. She was too angry with him to cry.

He hadn't expected this. He'd known she would be upset, but he hadn't expected this anger. And he realized it for what it was. Not frustration, not sadness. This was  _anger_. From JJ. Directed at him. It was a new experience for Reid, and it unnerved him.

Twenty four hours ago he'd resigned himself to having to walk away from the work and relationships that defined his life. He'd been determined to rebuff any attempts to reach out to him, for the sake of those doing the reaching. His session with Morgan today had shaken some of that resolve, but it hadn't erased it. It had just weakened it enough to allow JJ access.

He found he could look everywhere but at her _. Really, Reid? You're so determined to fall on your sword and you can't even look someone you love in the eye? Good luck with the rest of your plan._ From years of practice, Reid was expert at self-mockery.

Finally he brought his eyes to her, and realized he should have done so minutes earlier. Her face was still angry, but there were tears streaming down both cheeks. She didn't look so intimidating now. That allowed him to find his voice.

"I need to put an end to this, JJ. It hurts the team to have a trial going on. If I change my plea, I'm the only one they can go after. If I don't, more of you might get hurt. And we both know that she can hurt you, in particular."

"So you made this plan to  _help_  us." She kept her voice low, and quiet. There was an unmasked bitterness in it. "And Henry? Exactly how did you think this would help Henry?"

He had to gulp. His eyes kept moving from her, to the window, and back, searching for the right words to say. He opened and closed his mouth several times before he could get anything out.

"I love Henry. You know I do, JJ. I  _know_  that you know that. But I could see the tension in the house. I could  _feel_  it. Henry even told me about it. And I know that I'm partially to blame. You heard Will warn me away. He doesn't want me there." He needed to make her understand. "I want Henry to be happy, JJ. I want  _you_  to be happy. So I need to walk away. I need to let you go. That's all."

As if it were a small thing, and not his whole life.

He'd looked away from her again, and hadn't seen her reaction to Henry telling him about the problems in the household. Turning back to her, he saw the shocked concern on her face. She reached behind her for the couch and slowly sat down.

"Tell me."

"Tell you?"

"Tell me about Henry. Tell me what he said to you."

He went to sit beside her on the couch, but she shifted to put more room between them. Reid felt like he could see JJ dropping a shield around her. One that she wasn't going to let him penetrate.

He told her about his conversation with Henry in the car. When he reached the part about Henry wanting him to fix things with magic, JJ turned away from him, hiding her face. He could see her body shaking, and knew she was crying. He lifted his arm to reach out to her, but let it drop back down again. She'd made it clear that she wanted her distance from him.

They sat like that for a full two minutes. Reid had time to reflect that one hundred twenty seconds was something akin to forever.  _You thought you could say goodbye to her for a lifetime, and here you can't even stand to be apart from her for two minutes._

He was right, he couldn't stand it. Reid moved over and put an arm around her.

"JJ." Said as softly as he could manage and still be heard. "JJ."

She tried to keep her back to him, but he used the arm on her shoulder to turn her around. He stopped at that. As much as he wanted to draw her to him, he knew he needed to respect her wishes.

"JJ." Gently, he removed the hand she was holding to her face. He lifted her chin. She still wouldn't raise her eyes.

"JJ. Please look at me."

She stood up. "I have to go."

He got up behind her. "Not now, JJ, not when you're this upset. I don't want you driving like this."

"I'll be all right, I just need….I just need to think."

He took her shoulders from behind and led her back to the couch. "You can think right here, I'll leave you alone. I'm not going to risk you getting hurt." She had no more fight in her, and sat where he put her. He fussed over her a little, lighting the fire and tucking an afghan around her.

"I'll be in the kitchen. I was just going to heat up some dinner anyway. Morgan's making me eat."

She bit her lip to keep from smiling. She was still angry with him and wasn't about to let him off the hook so easily.

Reid went to the kitchen, leaving her in front of the fire, alone with her thoughts.

* * *

It happened that Reid felt like he had some serious thinking to do as well. Except that every time he thought the whole situation through, he reached a different conclusion. His mind was able to sort and balance the facts…they were unchanging….but the emotional aspect felt like a moving target.

He could help the team avoid the bad publicity of a full trial by pleading guilty. But his 'guilt' would besmirch the team as well. And Emily would insist on bearing a burden that really wasn't hers to bear.

And JJ. Although she hadn't acknowledged it, he'd become certain that JJ's relationship with him was a significant source of strife in her relationship with Will. So he knew he could lessen the tension in their household, and ease the stress on Henry, by removing himself from their lives. A guilty plea would effectively achieve that. But he was also aware that he would have essentially abandoned Henry, and no one knew better than Reid about the ill effects of abandonment in a young boy's life. He dare not even think about what his presence or absence would do in JJ's life. If all of the prior issues led to emotional confusion, the latter led to emotional chaos.

Knowing that she was in the next room, alone and hurting, burdened Reid. He wanted desperately to comfort her, but forced himself to give her the space she clearly wanted. By rote, he went through the motions of heating soup and cutting bread. He had no appetite for food. But he'd promised Morgan….

* * *

JJ couldn't see into the kitchen, but she could hear Reid moving about. She found she didn't want to budge from the sofa. There was something about sitting, wrapped in the blanket, in front of the fire, that made her feel secure, and protected, when nothing else in her life had either quality. A deeply buried part of her knew it was the presence in the other room that made her feel that way as well.

_How could I not have seen how much we were hurting Henry, even now? I've been so worried about him being hurt by our being apart, and yet it's our being together, and the way we are when we're together, that's causing him pain. Thank God he said something to Spence. And thank God Spence told me. Now, what do I do about it? How do I make Will see? What if he doesn't?  
_

She remembered again how Henry had thought his family could be repaired through magic, and a fresh rain of tears started. JJ sat, hugging a pillow, and wishing it could offer comfort.

* * *

She was doing her best to be quiet, but Reid could hear that she'd started sobbing again. It took every ounce of will he owned not to go to her.  _She needs to be alone, and I have to give her that._

He started sipping his soup, despite his nonexistent appetite. There was a book nearby...there were books in every room of Reid's apartment...so he tried to focus his attention on reading. Sixteenth century poets may have been favored by his mother, but Reid found the writing too flowery for his taste. Perhaps for that reason, perhaps for others, he simply couldn't concentrate. And then he found his focus completely disrupted when he caught movement in his peripheral vision. JJ was standing in the doorway.

He could see that her eyes were red, her cheeks flushed, and she still held a tissue. But she didn't look angry anymore. Just vulnerable, and sad. They held each other's gaze for a few moments.

She couldn't help but notice that he'd already put out a second place setting. Without a word, she sat down across from him at his small two-seat table. Also without a word, Reid got up and ladled some soup into her bowl.

He tried to lighten the mood. "I could put some whiskey in there if you'd like."

That got him a small….a  _very_  small….smile. "Thanks for this. And for that." JJ nodded her head in the direction of the living room.

"I'm glad to have a chance to take care of you, for a change. It feels good." Garnering another small smile.

Reid reached a palm across the table and JJ put her hand in it. His eyes looked a question at her.

Uncertainty on her face, she replied. "I don't know. It's not working. I know it's not working. I had to try, for Henry. But now it seems I'm hurting Henry." Her face started to crumple again. Reid squeezed her fingers.

She dropped her eyes to the table, thinking aloud. "Sometimes I wonder if Will ever really wanted to be with me. Maybe he just thought he should, because of Henry. Even when he moved up here, it was because I was pregnant. Maybe he liked the idea of a family, more than he liked the idea of making one with me. All he ever says now is that we should leave, that we should go back to New Orleans."

She paused for a moment, thinking. "I never expected him to leave his home or his job. I never  _asked_  him to do that. But ever since, he's been asking me to leave mine." She looked up at Reid again. "Would someone who loves you ask you to give up everything?"

He shook his head, could manage only a whisper. "No. Someone who loves you would give everything up for you."

* * *

It had gotten late, and JJ knew she should leave. The hour, she was sure, would lead to another argument with Will. She was standing at the apartment door with Reid.

"Will you be all right? Will you be safe?"

She nodded. "It gets loud sometimes, but I'm never afraid." Pause. "Spence. I need you to promise me something, and I need you to mean it. Promise me you will not change your plea. You will fight these charges. Please, Spence, there's only so much I can handle."

The turmoil he'd been feeling ended abruptly. The endless rumination had gotten him nowhere. He had to make a decision. Doing it for her was as good a reason as any. And better than most.

He nodded. "I promise. I'll fight."

He got a whispered "Thank you," back. The smile on her face was still small, and sad.

He stood looking down at her, feeling closer than he ever had before. Of its own accord, his hand reached up and ran its fingers through her hair. He seemed lost in thought, mesmerized. And then he suddenly realized what he was doing and abruptly stopped. JJ caught a look of surprise on his face.

He gulped. "Good night, JJ." And he virtually pushed her out the door.

She stood on the other side, processing what had just happened, a look of surprise on her face as well. It had been a long, emotional evening. Maybe her nerves were just raw. Maybe his were as well. 

_But how would that account for...? I've never felt anything so electric._ _Spence.  
_


	12. Chapter 12

**Consequences**

**Chapter 12**

JJ made an uncharacteristic third trip to the coffee area of the BAU.

She was exhausted. After leaving Reid last night, she'd driven around for over an hour, trying to sort through her roiling emotions, and trying to come to a decision about Will. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't be together. And one, vitally important, little blond reason why they should. Until tonight, those two perspectives had competed endlessly for dominance. But tonight she'd been forced to face a truth that she'd done her best to obscure. Staying together for Henry was wrong. It wasn't helping him, it was hurting him.

So the decision about whether to stay with Will became a simple one. The strategy to make him see the wisdom of her decision wasn't coming so easily. And how to live out a separation was completely unknown territory.

He'd been in bed by the time she'd returned home last night, and had left the house early, and sullenly, this morning. They hadn't spoken. Since then, JJ had been consumed with finding the right way to approach him.  _I have to remember him the way he was when we met, before he became so insecure. Before he became jealous of my job, and my friends. Before he wanted me to leave them._

In New Orleans, Will had been sweet, flirty, a native son with deep roots that gave him an identity in his community. He'd lost his father, which he'd told JJ had been the single deepest tragedy of his life. She'd been drawn to him, partly flattered by his obvious infatuation, partly because her maternal instincts wanted to comfort the fatherless son. They'd never intended her pregnancy with Henry, but neither had ever considered any alternative but to become parents. Looking back, JJ was sure it was that fatherless son who'd made the decision to leave everything else behind in New Orleans, and be with her. Or, rather, be with Henry. That they'd lasted almost four years in a relationship based on his compensating for the loss of his father was amazing, thought JJ. But the weak foundation of such a relationship made their current situation inevitable. Secure in his fatherhood, but nothing else, Will now wanted to return to his roots. Leaving her rootless.

_Spence is right. Someone who loves me wouldn't ask me to leave my life_. She remembered his exact words: "Someone who loves you would give everything up for you."  _Someone who loves you…_  It stayed in her mind like a mantra. She _had_ been with the person who was willing to give everything up for her…even if his plan was cock-eyed. She'd been with him at the doorway last night. When his fingers had run through her hair...

She actually shook her head to get the image out of it. For a while now, deep inside, there'd been something moving. As it started to rise toward the surface, she was forced to acknowledge its existence, but it was still too deep for her to recognize it. That experience last night with Spence had started to give it some shape. But she was still too distracted by the turmoil in her life to give it the attention it had begun to demand. Albeit subconsciously, JJ did her best to bury it under layers of worry about Henry, and how he would live in a household with only one parent. And about Will, and how he would react. She still cared and worried about the Will she'd known once, four years ago.

* * *

Reid was also acting out of character this morning. By 9 AM, he had downed only a single cup of coffee. He was finding out that pounding a workout bag was stimulation enough for a morning. Morgan had been at his door at eight, not willing to chance that his friend would renege on the plan to go to the gym.

"I said I would meet you there, Morgan." Reid was a little annoyed, both by the implication and by the idea of a workout, especially at this hour. Like JJ, he'd had very little sleep after their parting. He'd been ruminating, and denying, and feeling, and squelching feelings, all night long. He, too, was exhausted.

"You can meet me there tomorrow, Pretty Boy. I just wanted to make sure you got there today. You know, one day at a time."

And so, they'd arrived. This time, thanks to his sore knuckles, Reid knew enough to glove up. As he was doing so, he could see Morgan busy at the bag. He walked over and gave it a couple of light jabs.

"Okay, start easy like that. But then you've got to pick up some strength with it. Get some momentum going. Like this." Morgan had also put on gloves, and was showing Reid what he meant. Reid wasn't sure he could work up the same ferocity that Morgan seemed to be showing the bag. Some of the anger of yesterday had been expelled, and he was no longer in upheaval over making a decision. Reid wasn't sure he'd be able to accomplish much with this workout session.

But Morgan was an excellent training coach. He knew he had to get his pupil to confront both the physicality and the emotionality of working out. He'd anticipated Reid's struggle with motivation. And so he'd provided a stimulus.

"Here, Pretty Boy, maybe this will help." Morgan spun the bag around so that the other side was now facing Reid. The side with a blowup photo of the face of Erin Strauss.

Reid's eyes went wide. "Morgan, I can't." He didn't think he'd ever hit another person in anger in his life. In frustration maybe, in self-defense, in defense of others, maybe, but never in anger. He didn't think he could do it now.

"Reid, none of this would be going on if not for her. There wouldn't have been a hearing, JJ wouldn't have been compromised, you wouldn't be fighting for your freedom, if not for her."

_But I still would have sent Ian Doyle to his death._

Reid hadn't said it aloud, but Morgan could read his face. He knew exactly where his mind had gone. He was, after all, an expert profiler.

"Not even that, Kid. We had no support from her for that whole investigation. Garcia and I carried out most of it without her knowledge. If we'd been able to work openly, if we'd been able to bring in anyone besides the BAU, things might have ended very differently."

The congressional subcommittee had painted the BAU as a renegade operation that had sought to operate independent of other agencies in the Ian Doyle case. But the truth was that they'd been forced into it.

"Go ahead, Kid. Take a jab. You don't have to hit her if you don't want to. I can take it down."

Morgan started to move toward the bag to remove the picture, but stopped when Reid started hitting it. He seemed to be aiming everywhere but at their director's face. Finally, an errant blow landed directly on her. And then another. And another. Now aimed there. Reid was pounding the bag, grunting, working up a sweat.

Morgan watched him from the side, torn. He may have been the big brother in the relationship, but he admired his 'sibling' more than he would ever let on. That Reid could be experiencing all that he currently was, and still withhold punishment from one of the people responsible, was evidence of a maturity that many people didn't recognize in his colleague. Reid might be impulsive in many things, but his impulsivity usually hurt only himself. He never knowingly, or willingly, hurt someone else.  _Unlike me,_ thought Morgan. 

_Should I really be encouraging him to do otherwise? But he needs some fight in him. I don't know how else to build it._

* * *

"JJ, you look like hell." Emily was nothing if not blunt. "Is it taking that big a toll on you?" JJ knew she was referring to the issues with Reid.

"Yes…and no. There's a lot more going on, Emily. Put it all together, and I don't think I've had more than a couple of hours of sleep at night in over a week."

"Want to talk about it?" They'd grown closer over Emily's disappearance to Europe. JJ had been her lifeline through that. But she really didn't share much about her problems with Will, not with anyone. Her conversation with Reid last night had been an anomaly.

"It'll only get me worked up again." JJ was shaking her head. "Let's talk about anything but."

Emily knew how to be discrete. "Well, how is our boy genius doing, then?"

"Morgan's got him down at the gym, hopefully pounding the life out of the workout bag."

"Whoa, really? Reid?" She thought about it. "Actually, that's pretty brilliant. Go Morgan!"

JJ had to laugh at Emily's reaction. None of them could really picture Reid working out. "He was hoping to get him mad enough to be willing to fight the charges."

That got Emily's attention. "What? What do you mean, he wasn't going to fight? Why?"

"Relax, I think we're past that. He promised me last night that he would go to trial. I think I guilted him into it, but really I don't care. Whatever works, you know?"

Emily was still stunned. "I didn't know he wasn't planning to fight. JJ, what was he thinking?

"That he could protect us. That the BAU could go on unencumbered if he stepped out of the way."

"And went to prison?" JJ could see that Emily was getting more and more upset, even though the crisis had been averted. "He thought we could just carry on and know he'd been put away?" Her hand was to her mouth. "Oh, God, Reid."

JJ stepped over and put an arm around Emily. "He's not doing it, Emily. He'll fight. He promised me, and I believe him."

Emily was still shaking her head. "It seems like there is no end to the devastation that one evil man can cause."

"I'm hoping we can prove that there's no end to the good that can come from one good man. What do you say?"

Emily smiled now. "I say we make sure our good man is ready for battle….and that he knows we love him."

JJ just smiled.

* * *

Click, click,click,click,click…

It was an unprecedented sound in the FBI Training Gym. No one had ever worn high heels there before. All eyes were on the wearer.

"My Junior G-man! I'm so glad to see you!" It was the first time since she'd learned of the accusation, and Garcia had a lot of love pent up in her hug. She almost hadn't recognized him with his hair plastered to his head and sweat pouring down, but he'd been the only one standing next to Morgan.

"Eww, sweat!" She released him. Garcia started looking around. She, too, had never been to the gym.

"What is this place?" She made a 360 degree turn.

"It's the gym, Garcia." Reid was always good for stating the obvious, just in case It was only obvious to him.

"Yes, well," she was still looking around, "I heard you might be here, and I thought you might be working up an appetite.."

"And you couldn't stand not seeing him…" Morgan provided.

"And I couldn't stand not seeing you." She hugged Reid again, despite the sweat. "I'm so sorry this is happening, and I want you to know that I love you." And she proved it, by thrusting a plate of chocolate chip cookies at him. She slapped Morgan's hand away when he reached for one. "They're for Reid."

Reid laughed. "Thanks, Garcia. Is it all right if I share one with Morgan? He's my workout coach, after all."

"Oh, all right. I just wanted to make sure you know you're not in this alone. We're all with you. We all love you, Boy Wonder."

Reid was touched. In his quiet voice, he responded. "I know, Garcia. And I count on it. Thank you."

* * *

The workout ended late morning, giving Reid time for a shower and a bite to eat before he was due to meet with Hotch. He marveled at how much his appetite had improved from the single session in the gym.

They would use Katie Kelly's office for all of the defense planning. Reid could hear two voices speaking as he opened the door to the reception area. Both were male.

Katie was usually a one-person operation. "A one person tornado" was how Hotch had put it. Her facility had only the one office for her, a small meeting space, and a larger conference room. Hotch had been granted the smaller space for the duration.

Reid knocked on the door sill as he put his head around the corner. The two voices he'd heard belonged to Hotch and Rossi.

"I'm here."

"Reid." Rossi came over to him, his hand outstretched. "I'm glad to see you. You look good." Then, "I'm so sorry I wasn't able to make this go away. No one deserves this, and especially not you."

Reid saw the sadness and disappointment in Rossi's eyes, and knew it wasn't just for him. His colleague was mourning the loss of the person Erin Strauss had been to him so many years ago.

"I'm sorry too, Rossi. For everything." The look Reid gave him conveyed all that need to be conveyed.

Rossi shook his hand again and slapped Reid on the back. "I'll leave you in good hands, then. You keep your heart in this young man, you hear?"

He was sincere. "I will."

After Rossi left, Hotch instructed Reid. "Here, I'm not your unit chief. I'm your defense attorney. Anything you tell me is protected by attorney/client privilege." He waited while that sunk in. He was telling Reid they could discuss things they'd never discussed before. "I will need you to be completely honest with me, Reid. No holding anything back."

Hotch could tell Reid was wondering what would happen in the future. Suppose he was, indeed, freed, and they worked again as unit chief and agent. Once something was told, it couldn't be untold. Hotch tried to reassure the young man. "Once the trial is over, we go back to things as they were before. I know it will be hard, but we'll work as though this had never happened."

Reid's face told him that wouldn't be possible, but he would play along with his boss for now. He swallowed. "Okay."

"I need to know everything that happened from the time Prentiss 'died' to the time Ian Doyle did. Everything you did, everything you know of the others. I may have been in Pakistan, but I know you were all working the case."

Reid took a deep breath, and began.


	13. Chapter 13

**A.N. Okay, I've watched, re-watched and re-re-watched 'It Takes A Village' to try to make sense of the timeline, and still have trouble with it. Maybe I'm just dense. Or could the show writers have gotten confused? I know I sure have. To this moment, I don't understand _when_  the others chose to remain with the BAU, but Reid did not. And, if he did not, I don't understand what he was doing on the case with them. But then I remember that the show, like this work, is fiction. Hoping not to remind you too often of the same….**

* * *

 

**Consequences**

**Chapter 13**

The caller ID told her it was Reid.

"Spence? Is everything okay?" She hadn't heard from him all day, and was now on her way home. Dreading the conversation she knew she would be having tonight.

"For a change, I was calling to check on you. You sound tired."

"Yeah, well I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. Like, none."

"Did you make a decision?" Not really knowing what he was hoping for. There was no right answer, really.

"I made it before I left you last night, Spence. What I'm struggling with is how to have the conversation with Will."

Had she been able to see it, the relief would have been evident on his face.

"You two didn't talk yet?"

"It was pretty late when I got home last night. I ended up driving around for a while, just to have more time to think. And then he was out the door early this morning. On purpose, I think. He's pretty angry."

"JJ, I know you said you'll be safe, but what if he's so angry that he loses control?" He'd seen it happen before.

"I think he'll be okay, Spence. You don't need to worry about me."

"Can't help it." He couldn't see the smile that brought to her face.

She needed to change the subject. "What about you? What was your day like?"

He told her about the workout session, and Garcia's visit. The image of Garcia parading around the FBI Training Gym in her high heels, armed with a tray of chocolate chip cookies, gave JJ her first genuine laugh of the day.

"Too funny!"

"And then I met with Hotch this afternoon. He wanted to hear everything that happened since we lost Emily, up to the time Doyle died. I guess Katie's more focused on what the prosecution is planning to present, and Hotch is focused on gathering all the information they'll need to shoot it down."

There was a brief silence on the other end of the phone. "So, did you tell him? Everything?"

He knew there were things he'd never discussed with her, mostly to protect her. It seemed she might have become aware of them.

"I told him everything. And some things from before, as well. Apparently he can know about them because of attorney/ client privilege, when he couldn't know about them as my boss."

She knew immediately that he had to be referring to his dilaudid addiction. The FBI had a two-tiered policy when it came to addictions. They were always supportive of rehab, and participation in recovery programs. But if the addiction involved anything illegal, the agent in question was subject to both dismissal from the FBI and prosecution. As were any agents who might have known, but not reported it. For that reason, the team had never openly questioned Reid or even discussed his problems among themselves. Until Strauss forced the knowledge upon JJ several months ago, as a way of keeping her, and Reid, in line.

JJ was disturbed. "Spence, why did he want you to talk about it? Does he think it might come up at the trial?"

Neither of them had actually said what 'it' was. They knew.

"He said they could present anything that they think sheds light on my character. And that would pretty much qualify."

She could hear the self-recrimination in his voice, as it always was when he talked about the addiction. No matter how many times she tried to convince him it wasn't his fault, he couldn't let it go. She went into protective mode again.

"Spence…. But  _we_  know that it doesn't shed light on your character, right?"

Silence. "Spence?"

"Right." Not exactly sounding like he meant it.

Something started to niggle at JJ's brain, but it wouldn't completely show itself. There was something about this….but she couldn't find it. 

_It will probably hit me in the middle of the night. Why not, everything else does._

"I'm pulling in now, Spence, I'll have to go. Try to get some good rest tonight, okay?"

"JJ, please be careful. If you need me, I can be there in twenty minutes. Just call me, okay?"

She was touched by his concern. "I don't think I will, but I promise I will call you if I need you. I have you on speed dial." She actually did.

"And JJ?" It had taken him the entire phone call to get up the courage to say this. "About last night? I'm sorry I worried you. I'm sorry you felt like you had to come...but I'm glad you did. It…..I…"

So much for getting up courage. Apparently it ran out after two sentences.

She saved him. "I'm glad I did, too, Spence. We needed each other last night. And we were there for each other. I could never ask for more." 

_And I'm used to being given so much less, from the father of my child._

"Good night, Spence."

"Good night, JJ. " Pause. "Can I call you in the morning? To see how you are?"

Another hidden, weary smile from JJ. "I'll count on it."

* * *

"Hi." Will was on the sofa, in front of the TV. She bent to kiss his head, as she usually did when she got home. It had once been habit, but more recently it had become part of a script. She felt like she was playing the role of the loving spouse, without actually feeling like one.

"Hi." Will was looking at her in a way that wasn't exactly hostile, but it wasn't friendly, either. "You're home early today. Or should I say, on time."

She flashed him a look. "I'm sorry I got home so late last night. It was unavoidable."

She could tell he wasn't buying that, but chose not to antagonize him. "Where's Henry?"

"Henry's spending the night at Karen's." That brought JJ up short. Will had arranged for Henry to stay at his sitter's?

"At Karen's? Why?"

Will waved her to sit down as he responded. "I didn't think he should be around for this."

"This?" She needed to be sure they were talking about the same thing.

"Our conversation. Don't we need to talk?" Rather than angry, Will sounded sad, and weary.

JJ's eyes filled. Already he was reminding her of the man she'd wanted to be in love with. The sweet, lost New Orleans boy she'd met on that fateful case.

Weary herself, JJ sat. "I guess we do."

He seemed to be waiting for her to start, so she did. "I'm sorry, Will."

"Sorry?"

"That we can't seem to be to each other who we need to be. That we can't love each other the way we once wanted to."

He nodded very slightly. She'd confirmed what he thought. The "wanted" put their relationship firmly in the past.

"I'm sorry too, JJ," practically whispered.

For a long moment, he gazed at her steadily. The look on his face told her he'd been doing some soul searching, too.

"Why couldn't you love me, JJ? Is it because of me? Or is it because of him?"

That caught her off guard. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, is it because you just can't love me? Or is it because you love him more?"

She was genuinely confused. "Henry?"

"Don't play with me, JJ. You know I mean Spencer."

"Spence? Spence has nothing to do with this."

"Really? Tell me you weren't with him last night." In spite of himself, and how he'd intended to handle this, his resentment was surfacing.

She'd been prepared to protest, but had to swallow it.

"I'm right, aren't I? You were with him last night. And you were with him until all hours last week. And, in between, he was here, in our home. I'm willing to bet that if I look at your phone, I'll see that you've been in touch with each other quite a bit, won't I? Even in the middle of the night." Apparently he'd heard.

Despite his intention to be reasoned, Will found himself getting worked up. Even as he was recounting all the ways he believed Reid had infiltrated their lives, he was getting angrier. JJ's silence did nothing to abate it.

She just looked at him. He was right in his facts, but the implication was way off base.

"Spence is my friend, Will. And he's going through an extremely hard time. How could I not be there for him?"

"That's simple enough. You pass up being with him, to be with me. To be with your son. Because we need you too, JJ. Or do we rank lower than 'Spence'." He'd practically spat the name.

He'd pushed her buttons now. This discussion was going the way so many of them had gone in recent weeks. Neither intended an argument, and yet they seemed to always end up in one. JJ had begun to think they each had a talent for bringing out the worst in the other. She was going to have to fight to keep the worst in her from coming out now. But she was so tired...

"You know what, Will? The biggest difference between you and Spence is that he would never ask me to make that kind of choice. He would always put himself last." She wasn't done. "And you know that Henry loves him. Henry would never ask for that choice either."

Immediately after saying it, she wished she could take it back. She'd unwittingly put Spence smack in middle of their problems, when she didn't think they had anything to do with him.

Will, for his part, was struggling mightily to get control of himself. He knew he wasn't behaving as he'd intended. He tried another tack.

"JJ, did you ever really love me?" Going for guilt this time.

Fighting hard to achieve some degree of calm, she felt like she should be totally honest with him. "I wanted to love you, Will. I thought I was falling in love with you, all those weekends I came to New Orleans." She searched long and hard for the next words. "When you gave up your job and came to DC….well, I thought maybe we could make a life together…a good life. For our baby."

"Cher, what happened? I thought we could too." He'd managed to calm himself as well. Now the sadness was taking over again.

"Will, you haven't been happy since you left home. If you're honest with yourself, you'll know I'm right. And you've been asking me to leave my home, my family, a job that I love and people I love to do it with. You've been asking that ever since."

Now Will was quiet, recognizing the truth in JJ's words. "But isn't Henry enough? Isn't having him enough to make up for all the rest? Couldn't you leave the job and be happy in New Orleans because of him?"

JJ just looked at him, giving him time to process his own words. She gave him a grim smile as she saw the understanding dawn. "But he wasn't enough for you, was he? He wasn't enough to make you happy to be here."

Both of them were near tears, feeling the inadequacy of parenthood as well as the disappointment in how they'd conducted this part of their lives. The love of their son had not been enough for either one of them to compromise.

JJ dropped her guard first. "Oh, Will, what do we do? I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt Henry. But we  _do_ hurt each other, every day, trying to live like the family we're not. Will, we have to stop the hurting." She was crying now.

He was too. "JJ." He'd reached for her hands. He tried to speak, but couldn't.

After a very long while, he took a deep breath. He'd reached a conclusion. "I'll go. I'll move out. We'll tell Henry that Mommy and Daddy each need to live in their own houses. That he can have a home with each of us. That we both love him."

She could barely get the words out. "But we won't tell him that we couldn't love each other, okay? Please, can we wait until he's older? I don't want him to know that love is hard. He does it so easily."

He couldn't speak any longer. He could only nod, and reach out to embrace her. She returned the embrace, sobbing into his shoulder.

_Life shouldn't be this way. It just shouldn't._

* * *

They actually spent the night in bed together. Not making love, but being physically close, comforting each other, in a way that they hadn't been able to do for months. Reminding each other that there had once been love, and that it had been real.

In the morning, they picked Henry up together and drove him to school. JJ would go to work, and Will would begin the search for an apartment. They would tell Henry together, that night. Whether Will would become a long distance parent, or not, was a question for another day.

As she arrived at work, JJ realized she'd received a text from Reid: 'Are you okay?'

She wasn't up to a conversation with him. She simply texted back: 'OK. Can't talk.'

He received her response as he was finishing up his workout with Morgan. Today's target on the bag had been one of the congressmen on the subcommittee-the one who had given him the hardest time. Reid wasn't sure he was proud of it, but it was becoming easier to land blows on the faces of those who had targeted him.

Today he would finish his rehashing of the past with Hotch. Yesterday's session had been fairly straightforward, with the exception of two topics.

"Tell me about the time you spent away from the team." Hotch was referring to the fact that Reid was the only team member who hadn't requested reinstatement.

Reid broke eye contact with his boss. He was embarrassed by the way he'd handled the loss of Emily. Looking back from this vantage point, it seemed immature, emotionally needy _. If the shoe fits…_

Haltingly, he told his story. "I had a hard time dealing with losing Emily. You already know that." They were both remembering the grief assessments Hotch had done on each member of the team.

"I was having trouble focusing, trouble sleeping, trouble eating. Pretty much everything. JJ saw it. She started inviting me over for dinner, trying to get some food into me. But every time I went, we ended up talking about it again, and I would get upset all over again. I know Will was tired of seeing me coming. I think I was wearing JJ out, too. I just wasn't in control of my emotions. At some point I realized I might be scaring Henry. I mean, you know, a grown man so upset all the time. When I realized how it might be affecting him….and it took me a while….I pulled back. I stopped going. I felt like I needed to just separate myself from everything….and everybody. Including the BAU."

Hotch had realized all of his team members were upset, and Reid more than the rest. But apparently he'd not quite understood everything. This sounded like a much more serious depression than he'd been aware of.

"Reid, did you see someone during this time? A counselor, maybe?"

The young man was shaking his head. "No, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew they would want to put me on medication. I knew it was that bad. But…I just didn't want to use chemicals. You understand?"

The elephant had just made its appearance in the room. Reid's horrific experience in the shack, addicting him to drugs and nearly killing him, lurked constantly in the background of the young man's life.

"Reid, did you….?"

"No, but I thought about it. It's part of what scared me. I knew I needed to get away from the people, and the situation, or I might fall into it again."

Hotch forced himself to hold eye contact. If he felt badly about what his decision had put the rest of the team through, his guilt regarding Reid was extraordinary. He had never calculated the potential cost to this young man.

"I'm sorry, Reid. I should have anticipated it."

Reid was gazing into the past, shaking his head. "No, Hotch. You had to make sure Emily was safe, I can see that now. Whatever I had to deal with was my problem, my fault."

"The addiction wasn't your fault, Reid."

The genius head shot up at that. This was literally the first time the word had been said. Addiction. It was an acknowledgement of something that their work situation would not permit them to acknowledge.

"Hotch…."

"Reid, I told you, we're protected by attorney/client privilege. We can discuss it."

"It's just that I don't want to risk getting anyone else in trouble. When I talked about it with JJ…"

Hotch interrupted him. "You discussed this with JJ?" Reid could hear the concern in his superior's voice.

"When we had that confrontation with Strauss. She forced JJ to be there to hear her threaten me over it. And then we talked about it afterwards."

"So Strauss is the one who made the disclosure to JJ?"

Reid could tell they were treading on sensitive ground here, but didn't understand what the issue was.

"Well, Strauss made some lightly veiled threats to me about what would happen if the FBI found out. And then JJ and I talked about it later. " He squinted at his unit chief. "Is there a problem, Hotch?"

Hotch threw his bushy browed stare at Reid. "I hope not."


	14. Chapter 14

**Consequences**

**Chapter 14**

Weeks passed, with Reid falling into a pattern of morning workouts with Morgan, and afternoon sessions with Hotch or Katie. He was increasingly grateful for the work Morgan was doing with him. The physical strength did, somehow, translate into an emotional stamina that was proving helpful as he relived painful, personal memories with his attorneys.

The trial should have started mid-November, but was pushed out for several weeks by a medical emergency in the judge's family. The prosecution and defense were both offered the opportunity to have the case heard before a different judge. For Katie and Hotch, the decision was easy. Judge Ford had ruled fairly in the matter of bail, and they trusted him to be an equally balanced presider during the trial. They would wait. The prosecution, feeling chastised by Ford in the matter of bail, filed a motion to have the case moved. The court system backlog served in the defendant's favor this time. It was more expedient to wait for Judge Ford. The case would open in December.

For several weeks following her separation from Will, JJ had largely kept to herself. She was supportive of Reid, but didn't see him often. There was a process of self-examination that she felt she had to accomplish alone. Some of what Will had said about her love for Spence rang true with her. But as much as she might be willing to acknowledge it, she thought it would be a selfish reason to deprive Henry of being with his two parents. She needed space, to be sure her love, or lack thereof, for Will, and her love for Spence, were two very different things. And she and Henry needed to cocoon themselves for a while, to find the 'new normal' of their lives. Almost a month into the process, she could feel both of them emerging and reengaging. It felt right to bring Spence back into a prominent place in their lives.

The Thanksgiving holiday was approaching. As they had done for most of the previous years, JJ and Henry would be traveling to Pennsylvania to be with her parents. This time, Will would not travel with them. He'd retreated to New Orleans for the holiday, to be with his family.

She and Reid were having coffee together after his morning FBI Training Gym workout.

"Henry's looking forward to it. He loves going to my parent's place. There's more room there for him to run around."

"JJ, how's he doing without Will at home?"

She took a moment to respond, absently stirring a cup that didn't need it. "He's doing remarkably well. Sometimes I think he's doing _too_  well, you know? We tried to explain it to him, but I'm not sure we did a great job of it. I'm not at all sure what he understood. But sometimes I watch him, and I remember back a few weeks, and I think he looks so much calmer, even happier. And then I wonder what we thought we were doing, to have made our little boy so unhappy to begin with, that he could be happier when we were apart."

Her voice had started to break at the last. She was still so emotionally fragile about it. Reid reached out and took her hand across the table.

"You were trying to do the right thing all along, JJ. It just wasn't clear to either of you what 'the right thing' was. And now you know. It will be all right. You have to believe that. You have to hang in there."

"I know it in my head, Spence. I'm just trying to convince my heart now. It's so hard to think that I might have made decisions that hurt my son. Even if we're on the right path now, I can't forget the pain I might have caused him before."

He waited for a moment before responding. "And you also can't change it, JJ. You can only move forward. I think I heard those words from a very wise woman, once."

She smiled a wry smile at him, recognizing her own words coming back at her. "I guess."

She made an impulsive invitation. "Spence, come with us. Come to Pennsylvania. It'll be good for you to get away from here. And Henry and I would love to have you."

At the same time that Reid was wondering how the elder Jareaus would feel to have an accused criminal to their Thanksgiving celebration, he knew he had to decline.

"Thanks, JJ. It means more than I can tell you. But I can't go. I'm not allowed to travel outside Virginia and the District." He shrugged. "You know, a condition of my release."

She wanted to kick herself. She should have remembered, and now she'd reminded him of the ways in which his freedom had already been limited.

"I'm so sorry, Spence. I knew that, I just forgot. It was stupid of me…."

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop insulting my best friend?"

She wanted to compensate. "Maybe I can get my parents to come here."

He patted her hand. "No, JJ. You and Henry should do as you always do. He's looking forward to it, and so are your parents. Go to Pennsylvania and have a great time. Please, it would make me happy."

If it were anyone else, she wouldn't have believed them. But it was Spence, and it was just like him, and she did.

"What will you do?"

He didn't have the heart to explain to her that Thanksgiving wasn't really a holiday for everyone. That he'd not celebrated it at all as a child, because his mother rejected federal holidays as a matter of course. That he spent most of his Thanksgivings alone, not really missing an experience that he'd never had in the first place. He knew that JJ wouldn't have a frame of reference for that. She was used to being surrounded by family, and friends, and love. It was part of what made her so sad to have given up on her relationship with Will.

Instead of trying to get her to see, he simply said, "I'll probably get together with some friends or something."

She'd knew him well enough to realize that the 'or something' was the more likely plan. And she set about making one of her own.

* * *

"Garcia, what, exactly, is this?" Rossi was looking at his plate with decided distaste.

"It's tofurkey. It's the kinder, gentler way to have Thanksgiving."

"But," Rossi was poking at it with his fork, "is it…..food?"

Emily and Reid were laughing at him. But they were also waiting for the answer.

"Of course it's food! It's tofu made to look like a turkey. It's protein, Rossi. Taste it, I'll bet you can't tell the difference." Garcia was already chewing on hers.

Her three fellow BAU team members looked back and forth from one to the other, daring each other to be the first to try it. With JJ in Pennsylvania, Morgan in Chicago with his mother and sisters, and Hotch and Jack with Haley's family, they'd elected to spend Thanksgiving together. Or, rather, JJ had elected for them to spend Thanksgiving together. It wasn't something the team members were accustomed to doing, but the former liaison had prevailed upon three of them to see to it that Reid didn't spend the holiday alone.

"Oh, thank God, yes. Thank you, JJ. You've just saved me from being with my mother and twelve of her favorite ambassadors. Nothing but politics all day long. And advice on how the CIA should be conducting its business. No matter that I tell them I'm with the FBI, they think one initialed agency is as good as the next." Emily was enthusiastic about the plan from the beginning.

"Of course, Cara, I'm happy to have young Spencer to my home for Thanksgiving." Rossi was magnanimous. And still feeling guilty about being unable to deter Strauss from her legal strike against the young profiler.

"Oh, no, it can't be at your place, Rossi. It's too big. Too cold. Let me have it at my place." Garcia was being effusive, and didn't even notice that she'd insulted Rossi's lifestyle. Nonetheless, intrigued, Rossi agreed that Garcia should host.

The most difficult sell had been Reid. "Thanks, guys, but I'm okay by myself. It's how I usually spend Thanksgiving." From anyone else it might have seemed a ploy for sympathy, but from Reid it was simply a statement of fact.

"C'mon Reid, we need a fourth dinner partner." Emily made her plea based on symmetry.

"And I'm making a big meal, and I don't want it to go to waste." Garcia tried using guilt.

"Reid, I'll expect you to be joining us for dinner." Rossi went right for authority.

But the most influential was the absentee profiler. "Spence, I don't want you to be alone for Thanksgiving. Go to Garcia's. You'll have a great time. And then I want to hear all about it when Henry and I get back."

He never  _could_  say no to her.

* * *

It turned out that tofurkey didn't taste a whole lot like the real thing, but Reid didn't mind. He enjoyed the conversation, the laughter, the distraction that being with the others offered. And he especially enjoyed the lasagna that Rossi had brought, a remnant of his Italian heritage. Reid would never admit it to Garcia, but the lasagna was the most recognizable, and tasty, dish of the day.

The foursome retired to Garcia's living room area with their after dinner drinks. Rossi couldn't help but look around at the décor. The two times he'd been there before had been largely mission-driven. He'd been embroiled in an old case for one of his visits, and he'd been there to question Garcia about an assault for the other. Now, truly noticing his surroundings for the very first time, he was struck by their eclectic nature.

"It looks like a tornado tore through a thrift shop." Rossi had the grace to be embarrassed when he realized he'd said it aloud. "I mean that in the best possible way, of course."

"Of course." Prentiss was doing her best to keep a straight face. "Garcia, it's lovely. And so interesting." She was wandering the room, studying objects. She came upon one she didn't recognize. "Penelope, what's this?"

"It's a phaser. Well, it's a lighter in the shape of a phaser. I use it for the fireplace."

"Oh, of course." Pause. "What's a phaser?"

Reid had that one. "It's a multilevel weapon used by the Federation."

Emily was looking at both of them, waiting for the punchline. With none forthcoming, she turned to Rossi. Who was grinning back at her. It seemed even  _he_ knew what a phaser was. So she played along. "Right, the Federation. How could I have forgotten?"

Reid gave her a rare smug smile. "You don't know what the Federation is, do you?"

Emily played at being insulted, but she was actually heartened to see that she'd managed to give Reid a few moments of fun. Finally, she gave it up, so they told her. "Well, how could I be expected to know? I was raised all over Europe. And my parents weren't exactly into letting me watch TV."

Rossi had noticed Reid relaxing with the conversation as well, and decided to prolong it. Such was the nature of a discussion among profilers. "Isn't it amazing how much television has created a lexicon for us? Phasers, tricorders, warp speed..."

That was enough to get him going. Reid started with, "Did you know that warp speed is a real concept? It was developed by..." And it went on for a full ten minutes.

All three of the others 'phased' out for the rest of his speech, each lost in a version of the same thought. With Reid banned from the BAU, it had been a long time since any of them had experienced a 'Reid ramble'. And they hadn't realized how much they'd missed it.

Each silently vowed not to take it, or him, or any of them, for granted, ever again.

* * *

The long Thanksgiving weekend was the last break before the trial would begin.

In the final week leading up to it, Hotch and Katie worked long hours analyzing evidence sent by the prosecution, reviewing witness lists, planning their own defense strategy. Having worked the other side of the courtroom for most of his law career, Hotch was now irritated by the prosecution's strategy of delayed release of materials, or the burying of important information within mountains of extraneous paperwork. Fortunately, they had Reid for the latter. He managed to get through a three foot stack of papers in an afternoon, whittling it down to the six files that pertained to the case. In retrospect, thought Hotch, the prosecution had done them a favor with that. As the trial neared, Reid was becoming increasingly anxious. Having a task on which to concentrate helped to alleviate some of the anxiety.

Morgan's workouts had increased in intensity. Reid was lifting, pushing, pulling and punching on a daily basis. He left the gym each morning both exhausted and invigorated, marveling at the dichotomy. Morgan had started teasing him about the change in his physique.

"I think we're gonna need to cut back on this a little, Kid. Before I know it, Hotch will be having me analyzing maps and sending you out to break down doors."

"Ha, ha. Like you could analyze a map."

That bought him another 20 pushups.

* * *

The trial would open without fanfare. Jury selection came first, a task that Katie anticipated would take a week or more. The evening before they were to start, JJ came by the law office after work, bringing dinner.

She took Hotch aside. "How is he?"

"Hyper. Worried. Anxious."

JJ looked over at where Reid was going through a new pile of files provided by the prosecution. "He looks intense. And terrified." She was getting worried and anxious herself.

"It's hard to live with the uncontrollable, JJ. He's not in charge of his own fate, and he knows it."

She turned to her unit chief and gave him a brief hug. "But he's got you, and I know he trusts you. Thank you for this, Hotch. There's no one else who could have gotten him this far without a melt down."

"It's been a team effort, JJ. All of us have had to pull together to help him. If we come out the other end of this intact, Strauss will rue the day she started it. The team will be stronger than it's ever been before."

_If_. Not  _when_. JJ heard it. Hotch wasn't entirely confident in their case.

She tried to erase the worry from her face as she went over to Spence. She had a funny Henry story for him. When nothing else could, she was sure that thinking of the godson he loved would brighten his day. And she hoped it would remind him of the need to stay strong, and to be ready for the fight.

It would begin tomorrow. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Consequences**

**Chapter 15**

Reid considered the irony of the fact that he was actually missing having his morning workout.  _Who would have ever believed that I would miss going to the gym?_

But another part of him realized that the workout he would be getting in the courtroom might be far more challenging for him. The jury had been seated after a week and a half of sometimes hotly contested decisions. Katie was determined to have a jury full of cooler heads, while the prosecution was looking for a more emotional, more easily influenced, panel. Both Hotch and Katie felt the facts supported their case, while DA Donner was more interested in being able to make a case based on the public's suspicion of secretive government agencies, with Reid serving as the sacrificial lamb.

Hotch had spent time with him last night, trying to prepare him.

"Reid, believe it or not, tomorrow will be one of the more difficult days of the trial. The opening statements are sometimes brutal, because the attorneys aren't required to provide the facts to back up what they say. Both Katie and Donner will be putting their own spin on things. And she and I are both convinced that he's being pressured from above to make it as bad as possible."

Hotch was very concerned about his young colleague. The team had drawn together to keep their youngest as strong as possible, but he was definitely showing the signs of his stress. He may have built muscle mass, but he was losing weight. And the deepening circles around his eyes told Hotch he was losing sleep as well.

"Try not to pay too much attention to what Donner says tomorrow. He'll make it sound far worse than it is. He'll be trying to demoralize you, and us." The unit chief made sure he had his agent's eyes. "Make sure you don't let him, or the jury, see any weakness. Don't react to anything. It's best if you can make eye contact with the jury, but no eye contact is better than looking at them with fear in your eyes." His gaze bored in on Reid. "Can you do this?"

Reid had to clear his throat. "I'll try." Realizing from his boss' reaction that his response hadn't been good enough, Reid changed it. "I'll do it. I can do it, Hotch." Praying it was true.

Hotch kept his gaze steady on Reid. "You know the others can't be there, as they'll be witnesses. And you know that it's killing them not to be present for you."

Having had to comfort a tearful JJ over the matter, Reid was well aware. They couldn't be in attendance in the courtroom until after they'd testified. Unlike almost any other defendant, Reid didn't have a family who could be there to support him. But there were many agents from other BAU teams who'd volunteered their off duty hours to be in attendance. What hurt one of them, hurt all of them.

"Okay. Try to get some sleep. At least a few hours of rest, if you can. Tomorrow we go into battle."

* * *

JJ may not have been able to attend the court sessions, but she could still attend to Reid. She left Henry in the care of his godmother and stopped by Reid's apartment after Hotch departed. Garcia had been glad to have a way to help her gentle genius.

When he opened the door to her, Reid was surprised. "JJ? Why are you here at this hour? It's late."

"And yet, you're up," she observed. "I won't stay but a minute, Spence. I just wanted to see you."

She followed the BAU path into the living room. "I know I can't be there tomorrow. And you know how sorry I am about that. But I still wanted you to know that I'm with you, in every way that I can be."

He gave her a sad smile. "I  _do_ know that, JJ. I count on it." They stood, looking at each other, until she opened her arms, and he closed the distance between them.

"All my love, Spence. All of it." She whispered it into his ear.

He said nothing, but buried his face in her hair, pulling her to him. They held one another for a very long moment.

JJ kissed his cheek as they pulled away. "Be strong. Please be strong."

She sought, and gained, his eyes. "You'll have me as much as you need me, Spence. Maybe I can't be in the room with you, but I'll be with you anyway," patting his chest, over his heart, "in here."

He was finding it hard to speak, so he simply nodded….and reached for her again. When they broke apart this time, JJ told him, "I'll call you tomorrow, okay? It's Friday, maybe we can get together on the weekend. I'll bet a 'Henry fix' would be pretty welcome."

He was reluctant. He didn't have the confidence in himself that they all seemed to have in him. "I'd love to see Henry, JJ. But let's see how it goes. I don't want him to see me upset, and….."

She cut him off. "You're going to be fine, Spence. Remember, what you'll hear tomorrow are only words. They don't really mean anything…..and especially when they're not true. Remember who you are, and  _how_  you are, no matter what they say." She tried to make him smile. "And if you forget, you'll have me, and Henry, to remind you. We picked you, remember? As godfather and friend. And we have very good taste."

Reid couldn't withhold a shy smile at that. JJ departed with a final embrace, and a kiss on the lips. Reid would be left to wonder if it had been purposeful, giving him something else to focus on besides the trial.

It had.

* * *

Hotch picked Reid up the next morning. They'd decided he would be chauffeured to and from the trial by one of his defense team, both to keep him safe on the road, and so that they could run interference with the media. There had been a one day flurry of media reports at the time of the arraignment, but nothing since. Katie and Hotch were sure that the prosecution, and those operating behind the scenes, would be making a push for significant media attention for the duration of the trial. Hotch knew it was one of Reid's major stressors.

"How are you feeling today?" Hotch was looking Reid over as he spoke, leading the young profiler to the conclusion that he would have to be honest.

"Exhausted, I don't think I slept at all. And shaky." He held up a hand to demonstrate. "But I'm trying to settle down. I think I can get there by the time we're in court." Hoping he was right.

"It's natural, Reid. But put your best profiler face on it, all right? Pretend you're dealing with an unsub, or even with a victim's family. You manage to mask your real feelings at those times. Do it today."

Reid gave a wry smile. "You want me to look at DA Donner as an unsub?"

Hotch returned it. "He's really not a bad person. I've worked with him before." He thought for a moment. "Maybe you can look at Erin Strauss as the unsub."

That got a guffaw from Reid, for which Hotch was grateful. If he'd been trying to loosen their client up, he was succeeding.

"That, I think I might be able to do."

* * *

The ordeal of the opening statement was as brutal as Hotch had indicated it might be, mitigated only slightly by Katie's opening 'rebuttal'. Donner portrayed Reid as a rogue FBI agent, operating within an already rogue Behavioral Analysis Unit. He'd wanted the jury to see Reid as callous, and calculatingly disregarding of the value of a human life. He made reference to Reid's past experience with drug use, suggesting that it might have persisted to the present, and thereby influenced his decision to allow Ian Doyle to serve as a human pawn. Donner suggested to the jury that such behavior by government agents must be stopped, and that they could begin that process by convicting this particular government agent.

Reid did his best to follow the advice he'd been given by his attorneys. He tried to maintain eye contact with the jury, did his best to keep his face expressionless. But he couldn't withstand the litany of accusations being made against him, nor the onslaught of aspersions against his character. Hearing his addiction made public was devastating, as it was the single most regrettable fact of his life.

Hotch saw him beginning to curl in upon himself and nudged him. Reid had to draw from some well deep within to pull himself up and regroup. He began to distance his mind from the proceedings, mentally reciting The Canterbury Tales from memory. Hotch had to nudge him again to indicate that he should rise as the judge called the lunch recess.

Hotch did, as promised, call JJ with a report on the morning's proceedings. That left Katie with Reid. She was all business today, clearly energized for the defense's opening statement.

"How are you holding up, Reid?" She'd been seated on the center aisle, keeping her eyes on her opposing counsel, and not watching her client wither in his seat.

Reid couldn't quite succeed at making his voice steady. "I'm okay."

Now Katie studied him. "No, you're not. Listen, I know Aaron told you that today would be hard. It always is. But the worst of it is over, now. When we go back, I get to tell our side of the story. I can repair some of the damage Donner tried to do. So hang in there, please. We'll get through this together."

Reid realized later how good Katie really was…..because he actually did begin to feel better. She was expert at instilling confidence into her clients. When they returned for the afternoon session, he was able to sit taller, and actually felt some of the confidence he'd been asked to demonstrate.

The judge recessed the trial after both statements and some procedural business was completed. The prosecution would begin to present its case on Monday morning.

* * *

Katie had been wrong. The worst hadn't been over. The worst was awaiting Reid on the courthouse steps. The media were there en force.

"Agent Reid, how can you trade one life for another? How do you decide who lives and who dies?"

"Agent Reid, have you ever put any other prisoners in danger?"

"Agent Reid, can you tell us about your drug addiction?"

"Agent Reid, are you still using drugs?"

"Were you in rehab? Can you tell us where you went?"

"Agent Reid, is it true you suffer from PTSD?"

They were relentless, invading, crowding around the trio, shoving microphones in Reid's face. Hotch had his hand on Reid's arm and could feel him shaking, could see the 'deer-in-the-headlights' look on his face. Katie caught Hotch's eye and directed his gaze toward the SUV another BAU agent had brought around. He nodded. Katie then began issuing a prepared statement, drawing the attention of the press and allowing Hotch to drag Reid through the crowd and into the vehicle.

As they pulled away, Hotch could see that Reid was hyperventilating.

"Reid," he reached a hand over to touch the young man's arm. "Slow, deep breaths. Slow. Deeper. That's it." And he could see from the corner of his eye that Reid was beginning to calm himself.

Reid swallowed thickly and closed his eyes. If this was going to happen at the close of each day of the trial, he didn't think he would survive it. That plea change was starting to look tempting again.

"Reid." He didn't get a response. "Reid."

When his young colleague opened his eyes and looked at him, Hotch knew exactly where his thoughts had gone. "It won't be like that again. Katie will negotiate a daily statement with them, that should take the pressure off. And, if we need to use it, there's an exit through the basement."

Reid was still struggling to find his voice. "Hotch, I can't do that again. I know you've done everything you could to get me ready, but that…that…I can't do it again."

Hotch realized Reid hadn't heard anything he'd said. He repeated it, ending with, "It won't happen again. I'll see to it." He knew Reid had enormous respect for him and trusted him implicitly. He would bank on that trust now.

They were silent for the rest of the trip. Hotch noticed the many brightly lit holiday displays that penetrated the early twilight. They reminded him that he would have to ask Jessica to take charge of Jack's Christmas this year. He would be too engaged in trying to save his young colleague.

They arrived at Reid's place. As he exited the SUV, he turned back to his superior. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

"That what I did caused us to have to go through this. I'm sorry."

"Reid, what you did saved the life of a young boy. That's the only thing I want you to think about. And it's what we'll make sure the jury is thinking about."

Reid didn't look convinced. He turned to go to his apartment, then looked back. "Thanks, Hotch. For the ride,….for everything."

The unit chief- turned -defense attorney noted with concern the slump of the shoulders, the slowness of the step, the downward gaze. He feared he was seeing the beginning of the kind of damage that even a favorable verdict might not be able to remedy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Consequences**

**Chapter 16**

Leaving Hotch, Reid trudged slowly toward his apartment, feeling inordinately weary. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this physically exhausted and disheartened…unless it was just after his captivity had ended in Georgia. He worried that the mark this ordeal would leave on him might be as deep as that one had been.

His hand fumbled as he tried to put the key in the lock, and he dropped the key ring. Bending to pick it up, he noticed a glow under the door.

"Arrgh! Did I leave a light on all this time?" Wishing the FBI paid better so he didn't have to worry about electric bills. Realizing that the FBI might not be paying him at all, soon.

Finally his fingers worked and he opened the door. As he entered his home, wanting nothing more than a bowl of soup and some solace with a book, he was greeted with something entirely different. There, in the corner, was a tree. A Christmas tree, adorned with ornaments, glowing with light.

Reid's mouth fell open. "What the…"

He'd never had a Christmas tree before. His mother had refused them, and he'd never engaged in anything with remotely religious overtones since reaching adulthood, even after finding a rudimentary faith.

Having a Christmas tree had always seemed unnecessary, a burden in many ways. And a waste of time, if he was the only one who would see it. And yet, there was something…cozy.…about it. Something that felt warm, and welcoming, and comforting.

"But how…."

And then he knew.  _She_  had done it. She was the one with the extra key to his apartment, 'just in case'. She hadn't been at the trial, but he knew now that she'd not been at work, either.

Reid ignored his hunger and sat in his favorite reading chair, pondering the tree, noticing that some of the decorations looked hand made. He rose and picked one of them from a branch. Saw a picture of Henry the Elf, glued to a set of popsicle sticks. Then noticed another, this one with a photo of himself and his godson, blowing out birthday candles. Prayed he would find one of her as well. Didn't. Then realized she'd probably been on the other side of the camera.

He sat there for a long time, eyes captured by the light, but not really seeing. He pulled the afghan around him in the cold. In his imagination, it almost felt like arms, wrapping him in an embrace.

He'd probably been sitting like that for an hour when his cell sounded. The caller ID told him who it was.

"JJ."

"Hi, Spence. I heard court was out. Are you at home?"

"I'm home."

She waited.

"Someone was here while I was gone. They left something behind."

She heard just the slightest hint of a smile in his voice.

"Oh, what was that?"

"They left  _Christmas_." His voice had risen at the last word, revealing the emotion behind it.

He couldn't see her teary smile. "I hope you don't mind, Spence. I…Henry and I… we wanted you to have it."

Henry. That Henry would think of him at Christmas touched him deeply.

"It's beautiful, JJ. I've never had a Christmas tree before. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Spence, have you had supper?"

He thought she was inviting him over, but was too physically and emotionally exhausted to even think about leaving his apartment.

"I'll just heat some soup. I don't really think I'm up to going out, JJ."

"You don't have to go out. Why don't you just open your door?"

That caught him off guard.  _What?_

He rose and went to the door, releasing the locks. Opened it. Found her there, waiting for him.

A word came unbidden to his mind.  _Home._  He had to shake his head to convince himself he'd not heard it spoken aloud.

Before he could even say hello, he was tackled from below, practically knocked off his feet.

"Uncle Spence! Merry Christmas, Uncle Spence!"

Reid's eyes flew wide, and his mouth opened in surprise, turning up into a grin. He bent to his godson and lifted him into his arms.  _Henry!_

"Henry! Little Man, it feels like I haven't seen you in a long, long time!" Reid marveled at how holding the weight of the child he loved was rapidly easing the burden of this day.

"Uncle Spence, you're squishing me!" Henry was giggling.

"You know, I think I might need to squish you some more!"

"Can I get in on this action?" JJ was laughing at both of them.

Reid shifted Henry to one arm so he could reach the other around her. All three squeezed at once.

"Squishy hug for everybody!" Henry thought it was hilarious. "You're silly, Uncle Spence!"

When Reid put him down, Henry ran into the living room. "Uncle Spence, did you see the tree? Me and Mommy made it for you! Look!" And he began a detailed narration about each ornament that had been made, or hung, by him.

Neither he nor JJ had even gotten their coats off yet, the little guy was so excited about the gift he and his mother had given his godfather. JJ stood with Reid and watched as he gave Henry his undivided attention, relishing the child's excitement. She put a hand on his back, and Reid reached his arm around her. She hugged him.

"Thank you for this, JJ. It's…..it's incredible. And beautiful. And…..it's just something I've never had before."

"I'm glad, Spence. I was afraid I'd overstepped. But we both wanted to do  _something_  for you. I knew this day would be hard. I just wanted to brighten it up somehow. And Henry insisted on helping. He kind of picked up on your mood last week."

A moment of regret. "I'm sorry about that. I've been trying not to let things show when I'm around him. Guess I'm not very good at it."

She squeezed him again. "You're just not used to how empathic little kids can be. They may not be able to put it into words as well as an adult, but sometimes I think they  _understand_  so much better than we do."

"The wisdom of the child. Well, I, for one, am very glad for the wisdom of  _this_  child. It was a very long day, and now, you're right, it's suddenly so much brighter….literally!"

"Tell me about it later, okay? I want to hear it, Spence." She'd seen that he was about to dismiss the idea. "But, for now, I've brought dinner." She headed to the kitchen with an insulated package.

"Dinner in ten minutes, boys. You can play until then."

And so they did.

* * *

"I hope you don't mind, Spence. Henry picked out the menu."

"It's the best, Uncle Spence! Macaroni and cheese, and chocolate milk! And Christmas cookies for dessert!"

Reid noticed that Henry only spoke in exclamation points. Then he agreed with his godson. "You're right, Henry, it's the best!"

After the feast, JJ chased Reid out of the kitchen. "I can do the dishes, go and play with him. I brought a couple of videos for him to watch afterwards."

As Reid went to the living room, Henry continued as though there hadn't been a gap in the conversation.

"And I sat on his lap, and I wasn't afraid, Uncle Spence! And I told him what I want him to bring me for Christmas! And he said I should leave cookies and milk for him and a carrot for Rudolph. Mommy brought Rudolph, Uncle Spence! We're gonna watch it, right after the Grinch!"

Reid recognized the cultural references, but had never actually seen either program. He mused on the irony that his godson, whom he should have been introducing to the world, was instead introducing it to him.

JJ made short work of the kitchen and joined them. She started the cartoon Grinch going as Henry climbed into Reid's lap. The three of them enjoyed the story of the creature whose heart grew big enough to love a whole town. Having Henry in his arms was enough for Reid to relate to the transformation. He wasn't exactly Grinch-like to those around him, though he'd often found himself feeling distant. But holding the loving little four year old made him feel connected, and needed, and accepted. As the story concluded, Reid thought about the concept of the happy ending and couldn't help but wish it might apply to him in his current dilemma.

JJ sent Henry to get his PJs on and brush his teeth between videos. "It's easier if he's all ready for bed by the time we get home," she explained to Reid.

On impulse, Reid offered, "JJ, stay. You and Henry don't have to leave. I have a second bedroom. I use it mostly as an office, but it's got a bed…." He felt like his time together with them was a lifeline, and he didn't want it to end.

She was hesitant. "Spence, we really didn't come here to impose…." she started, but then correctly read the look on his face, and changed her direction. "But I guess we could. It's Friday, so there's no work tomorrow. And it's my weekend with Henry, so…okay, I guess we can stay."

Henry had heard the last part. "Yay! A sleepover!" He loved sleepovers, even though he'd never had one. But he'd heard about them, from his friends at preschool. "Where are  _your_  jammies, Mommy?"

It turned out that Mommy hadn't brought any jammies, but Reid was able to help. He gave JJ a set of sweats, and he got changed himself. She swam in his clothes, but they were at least comfortable.

"Stop laughing at me!" she told him. "I can't help it if you're bigger."

Henry was giggling again. "Mommy, you look silly!"

"But comfy, and warm," said Reid, who knew what was good for him.

"Okay, let's stop the fashion commentary and move on to Rudolph." JJ put the video going. This time Henry snuggled between the two adults on the couch.

Reid was surprised by how engaged he became in the story of the misfit reindeer and elf. But then he remembered that he was a member of the same club. And how, like the story's heroes, he tried to use the gifts that made him 'different' to accomplish whatever good he could. And now he'd run into his own Abominable Snowman. Again hoping for a similar outcome, he wondered what Henry understood of the story.

Looking down, he realized that Henry had fallen asleep leaning against him. As the video came to an end, Reid looked at JJ, and followed her unspoken indication that he should carry the little one to bed. He'd been present for Henry's bedtime before, but there was something about carrying him, and tucking him into the bed in his own home, that made Reid feel full. JJ ran to the car to get Henry's favorite sleeping companion, a stuffed dog Reid had given him for his first Christmas. Reid settled the dog next to Henry as he stroked his godson's head.

"Good night, Little Man. Sweet dreams." They both kissed him and left him to those dreams.

As they returned to the living room, Reid had a surprise for JJ. "You know, I actually own a Christmas video myself."

She was intrigued. As far as she knew, he'd never gotten himself involved with any traditional holiday except Halloween. "Really. What is it?"

"Well, after watching the Grinch, I think I could learn to love Dr. Seuss, just like Henry. But I've always been a Dickens man, myself. I have 'A Christmas Carol'. The Alistair Sim version. It's my favorite one."

JJ wasn't sure she knew one version from the other, but she encouraged him to put it in the DVD player. They settled in against one another on the sofa.

"Spence, do you want to talk about today? About court? And what happened after?" Hotch had filled her in on everything.

He did, and he didn't. He needed her perspective, and her support. But the evening had been so insulated from the turmoil of the trial that he didn't want to ruin the effect. For a few hours, he'd been able to pretend his life was normal. Not just normal for Spencer Reid, but  _normal._ But his need for her, and her input, won out. He told her about what had been said, and about the media assault, and about what both had done to him. As he spoke, he realized that, more than anything, he needed her comfort.

She reached her arms around his waist, hugging him as she leaned against him on the couch. "Spence, I'm so sorry. I guess I knew it might be like that…..but I was praying for different." She turned her face up to him. "You're not buying into that, are you? You're not believing what they're saying about you."

His hesitation, and the look on his face, told her that he was. Without waiting for him to respond, she protested.

"Spence, you can't! That's not who you are. And you can't let the jury see that you're falling for it, or they will too."

He sighed. "Most of what Donner said was true, JJ. He just put his own spin on it. I can't argue with the truth. Maybe Katie can, but I can't. But I pray that she can spin it another way." He paused, closing his eyes, reliving the rest. "And the press...who knows how they'll spin it." He shook his head. "I feel like I've brought disgrace on everyone. On the team, on the FBI, on my family...such as it is."

Hearing the dejected tone in his voice, she had to choke back tears. "Spence, you've disgraced no one. You're an honorable man who has done nothing but his job, and you've saved so many lives in the process. The shame is on those who've done this to you. It will come out, I'm sure of it." She couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice as she thought about what the ambition of others was doing to the man sitting beside her.

She reached up and turned Reid's face so that he was looking at her. "Spence, I want you to listen to me, and I want you to believe what I say. You are a better person than any of them could ever hope to be. Nothing they can say or do, nothing the media reports...nothing can change that. We have to trust that being honest and faithful will be rewarded with justice. And, for us, justice means that one day we'll be looking back on this, and it will be far, far behind us. And we won't give it a second thought."

Her arms still around his waist, she laid her head against his chest. From that vantage point, she couldn't see how her use of 'we' and 'us' had brightened him. Nor could she hear what he was thinking. 

_There are some things about this day that I'll want to remember forever, Jennifer Jareau._

With JJ reclining against him, Reid put his arm around her and the two of them watched the story of the man who tried to learn from the lessons of his past, and the implications of his future, to know how he must try to live in the present. Before he fell asleep watching the film, Reid prayed that he was  _holding_  his future, and wondered what that meant about how he needed to conduct himself in the present.

Neither of them remembered falling asleep. But they both remembered the waking up. JJ probably stirred first, rousing Reid, who seemed to be stretched out underneath her on the sofa.

"Oh, what time is it?"

"It's just after one, if I'm reading the clock right."

"I must have fallen asleep. You must be too comfortable a pillow, Spence."

"And you're too warm a blanket."

He took her arms and pushed her up as he rose to a sitting position. Still holding her, he said, "JJ? Thank you for this. For all of it. The tree, Henry, just being here. I….I needed….but I didn't know…"

She hugged him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "I'm so glad we could do it for you, Spence. It's important to me that you feel like I'm with you, and that I support you, and that I…"

As she was speaking, JJ became aware of Reid's gaze moving up and down her face, back and forth between her eyes and her mouth. She was getting that sensation of  _electricity_  again, and it was drawing her to him. Without either of them giving it conscious thought, they moved closer together. And closer, and closer, until finally neither could focus on anything but the other's lips. JJ reached up to him, and Reid down to her, until their lips met.

Last night she'd been trying to distract him with her kiss, but tonight was different. Tonight she needed it, needed him, in a way that was new to her. Tonight she couldn't have kept herself from kissing him.

Reid took her face into his hands and kissed her lips, her eyes, her nose, her neck. She was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted, and he couldn't get enough of her. All of the anguish of the day left him, and his mind was filled with only one thought. 

_J_ _J._


	17. Chapter 17

  **Consequences**

**Chapter 17**

The first time Reid woke up it was to the sound of clatter. Not the kind that would get him reaching for his weapon, but the kind of clatter in the kitchen that said that someone was home, and cooking. The kind of clatter that made you go back to sleep in the hope of waking up again to an aroma. Having had a restful night for the first time in months, he did just that.

The second time Reid woke up, he left a dream where he was walking on a beach, a warm breeze blowing on his face. He opened his eyes to a pair of bright blue ones, surrounded by blond hair. The warm breeze of his dream had apparently been inspired by the hot breath of the person whose face was only inches from his.

"Wake up, Uncle Spence! Mommy made pancakes! Chocolate chip pancakes!"

It was the smell of the coffee that Reid followed out to the kitchen, but the pancakes were a welcome addition to his morning routine. JJ was back in her own clothes, and scooping the last of the flapjacks from the pan. She flashed him a bright smile.

"Good morning, Spence. Or should I say, Sleepyhead?"

He smiled back at her. "Why? What time is it?"

"Almost nine. I put Henry off as long as I could, but the poor kid was starving."

Reid was stretching. "That means I had almost eight hours of sleep. I can't remember the last time that happened. Like, ever."

"Well, you obviously needed it, so I'm glad. Maybe watching Christmas videos is good for relieving tension?"

He looked at her meaningfully. "Actually, I think it might have been something else that took the tension from me."

She smiled at him. He was standing next to her, so they decided to try a little experiment. They leaned into each other and kissed.

"Yep, definitely something else."

JJ grinned at him as she thought back to the night before…

* * *

When his senses came back to him, Reid pulled away a little, wanting to be sure his ministrations were welcome. JJ made sure there would be no doubt left in his mind by reaching up and pulling him down to her again. This time she peppered his face with kisses.

When they finally broke away, both of them looked at each other, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, surprised, even laughing a little. Reid found his voice first, articulating the moment for both of them.

"Wow."

"You can say  _that_ again."

"Wow!"

She laughed at him. "Spencer Reid, genius, and all you have is 'wow'?"

"Wow, that was incredible, and amazing, and unbelievable, and….." As he was speaking, the old Spencer Reid appeared and reminded him that he didn't do this. "and…." trying to read her face….."JJ that wasn't a mistake, was it? Are we just overtired, and stressed, and…."

She put a hand to his lips. "No, Spence. I mean, yes, we're overtired and stressed. But that didn't come from stress. I think we've been working our way there for a while, don't you?"

He was nodding, still finding it hard to catch his breath. "But I thought It might only have been me. And you were with Will….."

" _That_ , was the mistake." She took a moment to gather her thoughts. "Spence, nothing about tonight was wrong. It was lovely, and exciting, and sweet, all at the same time." She paused a moment, wanting to get her words right. "But to do anything more right now  _would_  be a mistake, I think. We have to live with this for a little bit, okay?"

He wanted her, he was sure of that. But he also realized this was too new to both of them. To his own surprise, a new, flirtatious Spencer Reid emerged. "As long as I can have some more of the same, I can live with it…" Giving her a sly smile.

Her brows went up. She wasn't used to this Spence, but she kind of liked him. "Isn't that Dickens too? 'More, please'?"

He snorted. "Yep, me and Oliver Twist. Will I have to steal mine?"

"You can steal all the kisses you would like, Dr. Reid."

And so he did.

* * *

"Was the bed comfortable?"

"How could I not be comfortable with my little guy….and Brownie…next to me? Right, Henry?"

"It was the best! I love sleepovers!"

"And chocolate chip pancakes?" Reid noticed Henry had downed two of them.

"Yep! How did you know, Uncle Spence?"

Both adults laughed at him.

Henry wasn't fazed. "Mommy, can Uncle Spence come with us to pick out our tree?"

Reid looked at JJ. "You haven't put up your own tree yet? But you put one up for me?"

She just looked at him. "It was what we wanted to do, Spence. And now, we're inviting you to help us with ours. Would you like to?"

He'd not only never had his own tree, but he'd also never decorated one at all. He thought it was about time.

"Sure, if you really want me to."

"Yay! It's fun, Uncle Spence! Mommy makes hot chocolate and we sing Jingle Bells, and everything!"

"Well, then, Henry, how could I resist? Now I can't wait. When do we start?"

* * *

They started right after breakfast. Reid dropped his car at JJ's and they went together to pick out the tree. Henry wanted the eight footer, but the adults convinced him to go with one that would fit in the house. After it had been settled into its container, the hot chocolate made its appearance.

"This is the best, Mommy! I love it with marshmallows!"

"Me too!" said Reid, for whom the marshmallows were a new experience.

JJ dragged out the box of lights and ornaments. She handed Reid a strand of lights to untangle. "In a minute, you're going to wish there was something stronger than marshmallows in that hot chocolate."

But she'd underestimated the power of the genius brain to untangle knots _. I should have invited him over years ago._  The lights were untangled, and on the tree, in record time.

JJ let 'the boys' place the ornaments as they pleased, and then followed behind, rearranging them more artfully. Reid noticed that there were quite a few more ornaments that had been handmade by Henry, and even some that looked like they had been made by a young JJ. He commented that none of the ornaments seemed to contain pictures of her.

"I found the pictures of Henry, and even of me, on my tree. But, sadly, none of you." He pouted as he said it.

JJ just laughed at him. "Well, who do you think took all those pictures?"

"I figured, but I was still hoping….."

"I can take Mommy's picture with your phone, Uncle Spence!" Henry never missed an opportunity to play with an 'electronical toy'.

Reid and JJ exchanged a look and laughed.

"Okay, our combined IQ power, and we're outwitted by the four year old." Reid made sure Henry knew which icon to press, and then stood with JJ in front of the tree.

"Say 'cheese'!"

They did, and Reid ended up with a prized possession, one that he would stare at for hours over the ensuing weeks. Henry had inadvertently given his godfather the image that would sustain him throughout the trial.

As they resumed their decorating Henry, normally relegated to adorning the bottom of the tree, insisted his godfather lift him to place his ornaments higher, and when all else was done, to place the star at the top. By the time they were finished, it was late afternoon. JJ dimmed the house lights, and the threesome oohed and aahed in front of their beautifully lit tree. Reid got that same warm and cozy feeling he'd had at his apartment yesterday.

Henry clapped his hands. "It's the best tree ever!" And Reid agreed with him.

* * *

Henry was tired after supper. He'd been up later than usual at Reid's, leading to an early bedtime tonight. JJ and Reid listened to his prayers, and then Reid read him a bedtime story about Santa and his elves. After kissing the youngster good night, they exited to the living room.

"Does he always say that, JJ?" Reid was used to being included in Henry's prayers, but not in the way he'd just heard.

"What, the 'please keep Uncle Spence safe'?"

"Mm-hmm."

JJ sighed. "I told you, he's pretty empathic. I guess most kids are at his age. He could tell I was worried about you, and he asked. He wanted to know if 'a bad guy' was after you…..you know, we've told him we fight the bad guys…but I didn't want him to be scared. So I told him it wasn't really a bad guy, just more of a bully. He can relate to that, from school."

"They have bullies in preschool?"

"Thankfully, no. At least not in his class. But they talk about it. Anyway, he wants to look out for you."

He put an arm around her and squeezed. "JJ, the day you asked me to be his godfather, you completely changed my life. I didn't know it at the time, and maybe you didn't either. But having Henry….having him care about me, no matter what…..it's been…amazing."

JJ was touched at Reid's admission. She knew her son had completely transformed her own life, but to know that someone else was equally impacted warmed her heart. And especially  _this_  someone.

She took his hand and led him over to the sofa. "Stay for a little while, Spence?"

He couldn't resist sitting with her in front of the tree and the fire. As they settled themselves, he put an arm around her and she laid her head against him.

"This was a great day, JJ. Thanks for including me."

"Henry absolutely  _loved_  decorating the tree with his godfather."

Reid wasn't so sure. "Would he rather have had his father? Does he miss Will?"

JJ was quiet for a moment. She looked up at Reid briefly. "He'll be here for Christmas. We decided we owed it to Henry. You know, a nice family day the way it used to be."

They'd been through enough about Will that Reid wasn't concerned for his relationship with JJ. Even if the new status of that relationship was only 24 hours old. Even if he was still trying to work out exactly what that status was.

"Henry will have a great Christmas, then. He deserves it. I don't think I know any other kid who gets as excited as he does. And he makes me excited too!"

She'd taken his hand. "Spence, I would invite you but, you know…."

"It wouldn't be right, JJ. It would make everything awkward. And Will doesn't deserve that, either."

"So, what will you do for Christmas?" As she asked the question, she realized she'd never factored him into the holiday before. Did he even celebrate it?

"Actually, I usually take a shift manning the intake desk. It allows somebody else to be home with their family."

He was describing a job several levels below their own. JJ had never known that about him _. Just when I thought I couldn't admire him more…_

She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed it. "You're a good man, Spencer Reid. A very good man. And I want you to remember that over the next few weeks."

He heaved a huge sigh. "I will try to see myself through your eyes, if that will help." He paused, thinking. "You know, JJ, if she were going after you, I think I would have buried her already. I don't know how, but I would have found a way. But with her going after me….I don't have the same motivation."

"Well, maybe you can understand how I feel, then. I refuse to let her win, Spence. And if I have to keep pushing you to make that happen, then I will."

He gave her that flirtatious smile. "Exactly how will you be pushing me?"

She had her own flirtatious smile. "I can be persuasive when I want to be."

"Really. And do you want to be? Like, right now, maybe?"

JJ was a woman of action. She dispensed with words, and showed him instead.

* * *

She walked him to the door a few hours later. They'd been teasing each other before, but now she was earnest.

"Spence, I meant what I said before. I know how hard this has all been already, and it will be going on for weeks. You need to remember that you're the man who I…..Henry and I…..know you to be. You're the man we look up to, the man who loves my little boy, who puts a smile on his face. And you're the man who puts himself out there for the sake of people he doesn't even know…and has saved an awful lot of lives in the process. You need to remember that, Spence.  _I_ need you to remember that. You're who  _I_  know you to be, and not the person you'll hear Donner talking about."

For the umpteenth time, she wished she could be in the courtroom. She felt like her presence would help to keep his spirits up, and keep him from falling prey to the aspersions he would hear.

He took her in his arms, holding her a little away from him.

"JJ, if you only knew the difference between how I felt when I left the courthouse yesterday afternoon and how I feel right now…and it's all because of you. You've given me something….you and Henry….that I didn't have before."

"What's that?"

"Something worth fighting for."

She teared up at that. Reaching up, she cupped his face in her hand. "Then remember that. And remember that we're waiting here, for you. When this is all over, we'll still be here."

He turned his head so that he could kiss her palm. He could only whisper. "And I'll be coming home to you."

As he drove home, Reid felt like he'd been completely transformed. This woman, whom he'd loved, and then been in love with, for years, now reciprocated his feelings, even if the words hadn't been spoken aloud. The knowledge infused him with a sense of confidence and power of will that had been lacking to this point in his ordeal. He needed to make sure that confidence was visible on the outside. When he got home, he made a phone call.

* * *

"Pretty Boy, you've got a fire inside today." Morgan had worked up a sweat right alongside Reid. He usually took Sundays off from the gym, but was not about to deny any request from Reid these days. They'd spent four hours in workout so far.

"I need to go into that courtroom looking strong, Morgan. The jury will be watching me. I've been letting it get to me too much, and I don't want them to see it. I need to  _look_  strong….and I need to  _feel_ strong. I can't tell you how much this helps me."

Morgan had been so frustrated at his inability to contribute to the defense...at the absence of doors to kick down, unsubs to arrest….that he was extremely gratified to hear Reid's words. He put his erstwhile little brother into a headlock. An  _affectionate_  headlock.

"You  _are_  strong, Kid. You just need to remember that. You've got us behind you, but you don't need us to fight your battle. You're carrying the flag for all of us in this. And I, for one, am proud to follow you."

Reid looked his gratitude at his old friend. He'd received yet another infusion of confidence. Tomorrow he would go into battle with a cause to fight for, and the strength to withstand the assault.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**A.N.  Apologies to those of you who have read the chapter below already.  I've been transferring this from another site, editing as I go along.  Somehow I missed the real chapter 17.  It's posted now, and this is re-posted, as the real chapter 18.  Chapter 19 up shortly.**

* * *

 

  **Consequences**

**Chapter 18**

Katie made a point of being the one to transport Reid on Monday morning. She wanted to be sure her client was in shape for his trial.

"Good morning, Reid."

"Good morning."

She was studying him as he got into the vehicle. "You look a little more chipper than usual this morning. Does that mean you're ready? You've got your 'fight' on?"

He didn't entirely feel that way on the inside, but Reid was together enough to show it externally. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be, I think. And, yes, I'm ready for a fight."

"Good. Because you and I are going to give them one." She studied him a moment longer, feeling like she could sense something, then realized what it was. She smiled to herself as she drove away. Her woman's intuition told her that 'not yet' had become 'now'.  _There's no more powerful motivation._

They met Hotch in the courtroom. He, too, could see the change in Reid, but he was less astute in determining its source. Katie took him aside to fill him in.

"You remember when you told me 'Not yet'? Well, I think it's 'yet'."

Hotch's eyes went wide. There might be implications for the trial, but there were also implications for his team, afterwards. "Did he tell you?"

"No, but I can tell. Can't you?"

Hotch just looked at her steadily. "No, I can't. How can you be so sure?"

"Aaron, don't you remember? Back when we were in school?"

He did, but he wouldn't admit it. They'd downplayed their relationship for JJ and Reid. And he wasn't proud of how he'd almost, but not quite, betrayed Haley.

"Well, I do. And I'm sure. And you know what, I don't really care what made it happen. I'm just glad it did."

* * *

Reid pointedly made eye contact with Donner and his co-counsel. He sat tall in his seat, doing his best to exude confidence. Just before the judge called them to order, Reid stole a last look at the photo of himself with JJ, both smiling at the little boy they loved.

Judge Ford laid down some ground rules before he called for the jury to be led in. Reid made a point of looking at each of them as well, noticing that only half of them returned his gaze. Once they were seated, the trial began.

Donner's first witness was a Prince George County patrolman who'd answered the 911 call about shots fired at the small airport in question.

"Officer Dowling, please tell us what you found when you arrived at the airport."

"We….my partner and I….found a mess. There were three dead bodies on the tarmac. There was a helicopter, a small private plane and two SUVs. There were a bunch of FBI agents and a kid there as well. The FBI had secured the scene already. At least, that's what we were told by an Agent Rossi."

"Was anyone attending to the injured parties?"

"Yes, there were FBI agents with each of the victims. One of them was with the child, on the ground, next to one of the deceased. It looked like all of the shooting victims were dead by the time we arrived."

"Officer Dowling, do you see any of the FBI agents who were at the scene present in the courtroom today?

"Yes."

"Please point them out."

"It was them." He was pointing at the defense table. "The male attorney, Agent Hotchner. And Agent Reid. The defendant."

"And were either of them attending to anyone?"

Katie knew she could object. Aaron wasn't on trial. But she wanted her objections to stand out to the jury. If she started in with a litany of them, they would eventually be ignored.

"Agent Hotchner seemed to be in charge. He was trying to control the scene. Agent Reid was with one of the victims."

"Did Prince George County conduct an investigation into the incident, Officer Dowling?"

"Nah, it wasn't our jurisdiction. We phoned it in, and were given orders to remain on scene until a second FBI unit arrived. They would conduct the investigation."

"And did you do so?"

"My partner and I did. We sent the other two units back on patrol. We handed off to SSA Harding when his unit arrived."

"Thank you, Officer. " Turning to the bench, "No further questions, Your Honor."

"Ms. Kelly?"

"Officer Dowling, just a few questions. Did you witness any attempt by anyone on the scene to tamper with evidence? Any moving of the bodies, manipulating of weapons, removal of casings, attempts to leave?"

"None, ma'am. They waited with us. Well, except for one of the female agents. She went with the boy to the hospital to get him checked out. He seemed attached to her."

"So, the EMTs arrived before the second FBI unit?"

"Yeah, they came and pronounced the victims, and then took the boy."

"Did they do anything else, Officer Dowling?"

He looked confused, not sure what she meant. Then he remembered. "Oh, yeah, they insisted on checking out Agent Reid. He was splattered with blood, and they thought he'd been hit. But it turned out to be from one of the victims. He'd been holding on to him when the vic took the bullet."

"Do you know which victim that was, Officer Dowling?"

"Well, I don't have the forensics on it, since we didn't conduct the full investigation. But we needed to identify and place everyone to secure the scene before the second FBI unit arrived. As best we could tell, the blood had to belong to Ian Doyle. Agent Reid had been holding on to him at the time he was shot."

Donner was up. "Assuming facts not in evidence, Your Honor."

"Sustained. The jury should disregard the last exchange until such time as either eyewitness or forensic evidence supports it."

As every attorney knew, a sustained objection couldn't erase a memory. Once a jury heard something, they couldn't un-hear it. She'd made her point.

"No further questions."

Donner followed the timeline by calling SSA Harding next. Aware that the FBI was largely rallying behind Reid, Donner had been tempted to ask to treat each FBI agent as a hostile witness, allowing him to pose what would otherwise be 'leading' questions. But there was no benefit to the prosecution to appear to be in conflict with an entire, respected, government agency. So he'd decided to limit his 'hostile witness' list to any of Reid's fellow BAU team members that he might decide to call. He would have to hope that Harding would be professional, and as impartial as he'd been trained to be.

"Agent Harding, please tell us about what you found when you arrived to the airport."

"Well, the scene had been secured by both the BAU and the Prince George County Police. Agent Hotchner was in charge on the BAU end, and Officer Dowling handed off the Prince George information to me when we arrived. The EMTs had pronounced the victims on scene, so the ME had been called and was arriving just as we were. I asked the BAU to stand aside while my unit took inventory of the scene. Our ERTU arrived .."

Donner interrupted. "Excuse me, Agent Harding. ERTU?"

"Evidence Response Team Unit. They collect evidence from the scene. It's a pretty arduous and time consuming process. They got going while we interviewed the BAU team. The ME examined the bodies in place and then took them back for autopsy."

"What did you learn from your interviews of the BAU members?"

"There were six of them there. Agents Rossi, Jareau, Morgan and Unit Chief Hotchner arrived in the two SUVs. The plane was already on the tarmac, fueled and ready to leave. Just after the SUVs arrived, Agents Reid and Prentiss arrived in the copter, with the prisoner, Ian Doyle."

"Where were the vehicles and the helicopter in relation to the plane?"

"In front of it, blocking the approach to the runway. The pilot would have had to back up to get around them."

"So they effectively kept the plane from taking off. And then what were you told happened?"

Donner was careful of his phrasing. He wanted the jury to remember that the information they were hearing now was filtered through the BAU. Just in case…

"There were two Irish nationals on the plane, a man and a woman. The BAU believed the woman to be the mother of Declan Doyle, the son of Ian Doyle. They already had Ian Doyle in custody. From their interrogation of him, they had reason to believe the boy's life was in danger. She'd had no part in raising the boy, and had threatened his life before. The male was an old enemy of Doyle and considered an equal threat to the boy. When the BAU team arrived, they used a loudspeaker to address the people on the plane. They told them they would be willing to trade Doyle for the boy. There was a ruckus on the plane after that, and a shot was fired. I interviewed Declan later, and he told me that the male had shot the female. The male was interested in the trade, and the female was not, apparently. She was, by the way, his biological mother.

The male national, McDermott, pulled the boy out of the plane with him. He demanded that Doyle be brought to him, made to kneel in front of him. Agents Prentiss and Reid were each holding one of Doyle's arms and started walking forward. The woman exited the plane holding a gun. She shot, and Doyle went down. McDermott also had his weapon drawn. The BAU team fired at both of them, and brought them down. The boy was uninjured."

Donner again wanted to be sure the jury realized the source of the information. "And you were told this by…whom?"

"Unit Chief Hotchner gave us the summary, but we interviewed each agent separately. Their reports all concurred. And, of course, I already told you we got the information about what happened inside the plane from the boy."

"So the BAU offered their prisoner as an exchange, even though they knew those on the plane wanted to kill him?"

"Yes, but…"

"No further questions, Your Honor." Donner wanted to end on that note.

Katie was already out of her seat. Judge Ford didn't even bother to ask.

"But what, SSA Harding?"

"But they had no intention of letting Doyle board the plane. Agents Prentiss and Reid were literally holding Doyle by the arms, even as he was shot."

"Putting their own lives in danger?"

"Of course. All of them, including Doyle, were wearing vests. But that doesn't protect everything. Doyle took a head shot. It could have been one of our agents who did so as well. In fact, I was very concerned for Agent Reid. He was covered in blood and…..tissue."

This was something that could go either way, and Katie was on the fence about chancing it. To remind the jury of what exactly had happened to Ian Doyle might work against Reid. But to make them realize that it could have happened to the agent as well, that he was taking a chance with his own life to save the boy, would most likely work in his favor. She went for it.

"Tissue, Agent Harding? Brain tissue?"

He was nodding. "It was confirmed later. Yes, brain tissue."

Hotch watched as several members of the jury cringed. He wished he could read the direction of their thoughts.

* * *

Judge Ford called the lunch recess after Harding's testimony. As promised, Reid called JJ during the break.

"How are you holding up?"

"So far, so good." For a change, it was the truth. "Katie is pretty good in there. But it's hard to read how the jury is responding to things. I think Hotch is a little worried but, then, he's Hotch."

She gave a small laugh in acknowledgement of how dour their unit chief could sometimes be. But she also trusted his judgment. If Hotch was worried, there was usually something to be worried about.

She decided to change the subject. "Henry sends his love. And he made you a special 'early Christmas present'."

He was intrigued. "Really? What is it?"

"I think you'll have to come by later to find out. Come for dinner, Spence."

Katie had already told him that the afternoon would be dry, the entirety of it taken up with the ERTU work and the analysis of materials. "No character assassination, no threats. It'll be a relatively easy afternoon. The hard stuff will probably start tomorrow or the day after."

Having heard that, he was pretty confident that his mood would still be palatable for JJ and Henry, so agreed to dinner. In truth, he couldn't wait to see them.

As he ended the call, Hotch came up to him. "Reid, there's something I need to tell you."

It turned out he shouldn't have been so confident about the state of his mood.


	19. Chapter 19

**Consequences**

**Chapter 19**

Hotch dropped Reid at his place. He would head to JJ's later. "It's not a definite thing. Katie plans to make a motion to suppress it, although I'm not sure it will go in our favor. But if it's allowed, it could be pretty damaging."

"I was so stupid, Hotch. Immature. I don't know what got into me that day. I'm not usually like that. Not in public, anyway."

Hotch suppressed a smile. He'd watched Reid mature over the years, but remembered the lapses that occurred from time to time. Reid was often driven by emotion, even though he was routinely surprised when it happened.

"Well, try not to dwell on it. We'll let them get through the ERTU and lab analysis presentation first. That will probably take most of tomorrow, and then we'll make our case the following day, without the jury present."

"The crime scene and lab evidence seems to be lulling the jury into a coma, as best I can tell."

Hotch snorted. "It usually does. It's a necessary part of the case, but it is exceedingly dry. The mark of a good attorney is being able to wake the jury up enough to get them to hear the aspects that promote your case. And if you're  _really_ good, that's the only aspect the jury remembers."

"So, for us, the most important parts are ….what?"

"If I were presenting the case, I would make sure they understood the exact mechanism of Doyle's death, and then make it clear that it could easily have been you."

Reid gulped. In the tension of the moment, at the time of the event, it hadn't occurred to him. He'd been too focused on keeping Doyle alive and in the country. But now that Hotch mentioned it…

His superior caught the look on his face and smiled to himself again. "And I'd want to be sure they knew that it was the woman's bullet that killed him….and  _your_  bullet that took her down. They've already heard that she wanted to kill the boy. The fact that she killed Doyle should make your killing her more palatable."

"But wouldn't it also make it seem like we….like I ….should have known that Doyle would be killed? I mean, she hated him and Declan, and then I used him to draw her out."

" _We_  did it, Reid. It wasn't you alone. If you don't remember that, we'll never sell it to the jury. And, yes, that might be how they look at it. But we have to put our best case before them and hope that they come up with the right verdict."

"So, is Katie on board with how you would present it?"

"She is. And she also wants to be sure they realize it was Doyle's blood and brain matter you were covered with after the shooting." He watched Reid emit an unexpected shiver. "She's going for the sympathy factor there."

Reid's voice was small, and low. "For me….or for him?"

* * *

_I could get very used to this_ , thought Reid, when JJ met him at her door with a kiss.

"Hi." She kissed him again. "You  _look_  okay. Are you?"

"I'll live. Where's my little buddy?" It was unusual for Henry not to have rushed to meet his godfather.

"He's glittering." JJ laughed at the look on Reid's face. "He wanted to make your present a little more special."

"Oh. Well, then, might I have another present from you?"

She really  _did_  like flirty Spence. "What did you have in mind, sir?"

"More of the same will do…for now." He'd meant to keep it light, but somehow the flirtatiousness was gone from the last two words. JJ detected it at the same time that Reid did. And they both realized where it came from. It was just possible that their time together was going to be very limited. They might not have the time to take things slowly.

She sensed something from him. "I thought you said it went well today. Is there a problem?"

"Hi Uncle Spence! I have a present for you!" Henry was apparently done 'glittering', and he'd run into the room with his hands behind his back.

"A present? Is it my birthday?" Henry giggled as he shook his head 'no'.

"No? Is it Christmas already? Did Santa come?" Reid started looking all around for the rotund symbol of the holiday. The giggling intensified.

"No, Uncle Spence. It's a early Christmas present! So you can have it before Christmas! Because you need it!" He pulled it out from behind him and thrust it at Reid.

It was another popsicle stick ornament. But this time, there were pictures glued to both sides of the sticks, surrounded by glitter. One side held the picture of Reid with JJ, the one that was on his phone….and the other had a new photo of JJ alone, wearing the outfit she had on today, standing in front of their tree, smiling at him.

Reid was speechless for a moment. He knew it wasn't so, but it felt like Henry was giving his mother to Reid as a gift, and something deep within him was completely moved.

"Wow, Henry, that's great! It's just what I wanted. How did you know?"

"Mommy said." He hugged his Uncle Spence and ran to the tree. "Do you want to hang it up, Uncle Spence?"

Reid was uncertain. "Well, okay, for now. But can I take it back to my apartment and hang it on my tree, Henry?"

The little boy's eyes brightened. "That's a great idea, Uncle Spence! Then you can look at you and Mommy any time you want!"

_Indeed I can._

* * *

They had meatloaf for dinner.

"Don't tell him, but I grind vegetables right into it. He never even knows." They were doing the dishes together.

"Why did you have to tell  _me_? _"_ Reid still ate them because he had to, not because he wanted to.

"You!" JJ swatted at his arm. "You're a bigger kid than he is."

"Some would call it 'young at heart'."

It felt good to be laughing together after such a prolonged period of stress. But JJ realized it might only be a temporary reprieve. After they'd put Henry to bed and retreated to the living room, she probed.

"All right, spill. I can tell _something's_  wrong."

They were each leaning on an arm of the sofa, facing one another.

"Well, court went okay, as best I can tell. Katie made a couple of good points, although some are open to interpretation by the jury. The afternoon was full of evidence collection techniques and lab analysis. Hotch thinks most of tomorrow will be the same."

"But?"

"But Hotch took me aside to tell me that the prosecution has some additional evidence they want to submit. And he thinks it could hurt me." Pause. "And I think he's right."

She leaned forward. "What, Spence?"

He took a deep breath. "They have the recording of the congressional hearing, JJ. And they want to show it."

She'd never seen it. "What's so bad about it?"

He had trouble making eye contact. He wasn't proud of his behavior in front of the review panel.

"I confronted them. It's when I told them to go after  _me_ if they had a problem, and not the whole team. It's the reason why this is all happening."

This was news to JJ. She thought he'd only said it to Strauss, when he'd confronted her about using JJ as a mole. She didn't realize he'd said it at the hearing as well.

"Spence, you didn't! You didn't challenge them!" She leaned back. "Now I understand why Hotch was so sure this had a political motive. Not only were they looking for reelection….they were trying to save face."

He was miserable. "I was just shooting my mouth off that day. It was stupid of me. I challenged them, and they took me up on it…..and here we are. It's my own fault."

JJ was getting distressed. "Well, can they keep them from showing it? Hotch and Katie?"

"Katie will try, but Hotch isn't confident about her winning the argument." He was shaking his head. "I could kick myself. I was so arrogant with them…..maybe it was the right way to feel, but it wasn't the right way to act."

She scooted over to him, sensing he needed to physically feel her support. "It's still early, Spence. Even if they see it, Katie has time to diminish its effect….doesn't she?"

"I hope so, JJ. I hope my ego hasn't cost me my freedom."

* * *

JJ had her own bad news for Reid.

"It was on the evening news, Spence. They recapped the testimony from today. That wasn't too bad. But Garcia says Helen Faith is leading with it on her show tonight."

She could tell by the look on his face that he had no idea whom she was talking about.

"She has a nightly TV show, pratters on endlessly about whatever case she's chosen. Apparently she used to practice law. Now she seems to choose a side early on in a case, and then uses her show to present a completely biased analysis day after day."

"And people watch this?"

"Apparently she has a loyal following."

"So, has she chosen a side here?" Reid was wary.

"Garcia says that the promotional ads look like she's going to play the 'government run amok' routine. It sells better."

"What does that mean for me?"

"It means she'll be crucifying you every night, under the guise of 'news'. And we can only hope the jury doesn't watch her."

He was completely innocent about this. "Aren't they instructed not to?"

JJ just looked at him steadily. "Yes, they are. But they're human, and they have families, and the information will get to them somehow."

"So the verdict could be influenced by this person on TV who doesn't even know me…or anything about the case?"

"It's not supposed to, but…..who knows, Spence?"

He reached for her. "God, JJ, this just keeps getting worse and worse."

She hugged him. "We have to trust, Spence. We just have to trust…."

* * *

The following day was as dull and uneventful as predicted. Katie did her best to emphasize the salient points as predicted by Hotch. Reid wasn't convinced anything was penetrating the haze of facts in which the jury was being submerged.

Katie was able to establish the facts as Hotch had described would help their case. Reid noticed that she had a quality to her voice that demanded one's attention when she really wanted it, and he saw several members of the jury sit forward when Katie was making her points.  _That's got to be good, right?_

The final business of the day would be the motion to suppress the video. Judge Ford excused the jury and then invited the lawyers to present their arguments.

Donner opened. "Your Honor, we have a video of Agent Reid before the congressional review board. The fact that the proceedings were being recorded was known to those participating."

Katie countered. "But my client was not aware, at the time, that the recording might be used against him in court."

Judge Ford headed her off. "Surely you're not about to argue that he wasn't Mirandized, Ms. Kelly?"

She knew that road would lead to a dead end. "No, Your Honor. I'm aware there was no requirement to advise him of his rights at the time."

"Good. Because there was no suggestion of a criminal investigation at the time, was there?"

"No, Your Honor." Reid was a little disturbed to hear Katie sounding subdued.

Donner spoke up again. "So there's no reason to suppress the video, Your Honor."

Katie tried once more. "But my client wasn't aware that the recording might be made public, Your Honor. Those proceedings are usually recorded only for government accountability, and not for public consumption. Especially when they involve the FBI."

Donner was right on that. "Government accountability is exactly the issue here, Your Honor. The chair of the committee, Senator Cramer, has stated his willingness to make the recording public. It is in his purview to do so."

Katie was torn. She knew the senator had barely won his reelection, and was still on shaky ground politically. She knew the whole case had been politically motivated. But if she argued it that way, she might incite the judge's….not to mention the jury's and the public's….wrath. Despite all facts to the contrary, no one liked to admit the presence of political machinations within the judicial system. She had to decide….

A look at Hotch, and his subtle nod, made her decision for her. They would have to let it happen and try to mitigate the damage. The alternative route was too risky.

"I have nothing further, Your Honor."

Judge Ford studied her for a moment. He was no fool, and it was clear to him what was happening in his courtroom. But he was also fair, and played by the rules.

"Very well, Ms. Kelly. The video will be shown to the jury. Court is dismissed for the afternoon."

The defense team retreated to a conference room. Reid looked his question at Katie.

"No, it wasn't good. But we weren't going to win that argument, Reid. When you already know the outcome, it's best not to wear the judge down. I know Judge Ford. He's fair. And I know that he respects that we tried, and he respects that we made a graceful exit about it. We'll just have to try to limit the damage tomorrow."

"I'm sorry, Katie, I was an idiot."

"Well, it probably wasn't your finest hour, but it was also pretty understandable. I just have to make the jury see it that way." She tried to bolster his confidence. "And I'm pretty good at that. Don't lose sleep over it, Reid. There's nothing else we can do."

As they started gathering their things to leave, Katie was running through the messages on her phone. She looked up at her client. "Hey, do you know someone named William Reid?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Consequences**

**Chapter 20**

"William Reid? What does  _he_  want?"

Katie could hear the disgust in Reid's voice. "Do you know him? Is he a relative?"

Hotch interjected, "He's Reid's father."

She turned to her client. "Your  _father_? I thought your father was dead."

Reid hadn't said as much, but he'd done nothing to change Katie's misunderstanding. "I said he was 'gone'. He's as _good_  as dead to me."

Katie ran her eyes back and forth between Reid and Hotch, clearly angry. "Boys, I don't operate like this. I need to know exactly where I stand, and where  _we_ stand, at all times. If there's anything else you've neglected to tell me, it needs to be put on the table right here, and right now."

Reid never liked to discuss his family with the uninitiated, but he owed it to the woman trying to save him. "My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic, who raised me after my father left us when I was eleven years old. I've had nothing to do with him since then, except…."

"Except what?"

Reid told her about the case in Las Vegas, when he'd suspected his father to be a pedophile….and a murderer. "But the murder was committed by someone else…the father of the original victim."

"And you didn't reconcile with your father after that?"

"What was between my father and me is  _still_ between my father and me. He left us….a mentally ill woman and her son. More accurately, he left  _me_ , a prepubescent boy, to take care of myself and my incapacitated mother. And all because he 'couldn't take it'." Reid couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice. "That's as good a reason as any, isn't it?"

Katie was beginning to realize the many layers that comprised the person of Spencer Reid. "So you've had nothing to do with him all this time?"

"Nothing."

"Well." She pulled the message up again. "It seems he's heard about the trial through the media. And he's offering to pay for my services."

Reid was brought up short on two counts. Firstly, he couldn't fathom his father offering to help him about anything, at any time. And, secondly, this was the first time he'd  thought about the issue of paying Katie for her work.

She saw the shock on his face. "Oh, my God, Katie, I never asked. I never even gave a thought to how I'll pay you." She had to suppress a smile when he asked, "Can I even afford you?"

She flashed a quick look at Hotch and then kept a steady gaze on Reid. "It's already paid, Reid. In full. No need to worry about it."

He turned to Hotch. "You?" Incredulous. Not even unit chiefs made a salary that might pay for a legal defense on a homicide charge.

Hotch just shook his head. Reid puzzled the problem and then a look of realization crossed his face. Of course, there was only one of them who  _could_  have done it.

Hotch saw the young man reaching the conclusion. "He wanted to, Reid. You know how badly he felt about not being able to prevent it."

Reid swallowed thickly, shaking his head. He wasn't used to being the recipient of so much kindness from others.

* * *

After they'd dropped Reid off, Hotch and Katie returned to her office for a late night powwow on strategy.

"How do you think he's holding up?" Katie was curious for Hotch's read on their client.

"He's got it together so far. But they've only scratched the surface with the prosecution. Tomorrow will be a difficult day for him. And I think the day after will be even more challenging."

"Have you told him yet?"

"I've been on the fence about how much to tell him at once. I don't want him to be expecting bad news at the end of each day, but I don't want to overwhelm him with all of it at once, either."

Preparing Reid for the prosecution's case had been challenging, both because Hotch wanted to preserve his young colleague emotionally…and because the prosecution was using the time-honored tactic of submitting an updated witness list daily. The list was to have been submitted in its entirety two weeks ago, as per protocol for trial. But attorneys were granted the right to make changes if 'new information came to light'. And the prosecution was finding that new information daily. Hotch recognized it as a tactic to hinder the defense, and demoralize the defendant.

"Well, he's got to know what's coming next, doesn't he? What if Donner changes his plans and advances the witnesses?"

Hotch acknowledged her point. "I'll tell him tomorrow. Let's hope Donner doesn't have any more surprises in store for us."

Knowing that surprises were more likely than not.

* * *

It was becoming a habit, going to visit JJ and Henry in the evening. Reid wondered about the role of Providence in it. 

_Could I have lived through this without knowing they would be waiting for me? I don't think so._

He and Henry were playing with the little train set under the Christmas tree after dinner.

"Choo, choo!" Henry's train pulled into the little Christmas village. "All aboard!"

Reid turned to JJ, who was reading on the couch. "Where does he get that from, 'all aboard'?"

"The Polar Express. It's one of his favorites."

"Can you read it to me, Uncle Spence? Please?"

JJ intervened. "Little Man, why don't we get you all ready for bed, and then Uncle Spence can read it to you, okay?"

"And you too, Mommy. Both of you read it to me!"

* * *

Nothing had ever felt better, he decided. He was in bed with Henry, the little boy leaning his head against his godfather's chest. On the other side of him sat JJ, leaning her head against his, her hand wrapped around his arm as he held the book. They took turns reading paragraphs and portraying the characters, telling the story of the train that helped a young boy deal with his disbelief. Henry barely made it to the end before falling asleep.

The adults carefully slid out of the boy's bed so as not to wake him. Each kissed him good night, and they left the room hand in hand.

Reid pulled JJ down next to him on the sofa, and she snuggled into his side. She could feel some residual tension in him.

"Tell me." They were becoming close enough to communicate without having to put everything into words.

He took in and exhaled a deep breath. "My father called Katie today."

That made JJ start to sit up, but Reid pulled her down against him again. He was beginning to feel like he thrived on feeling her physical presence.

"He wanted to pay for my defense. Not to talk to me, not to testify to my character...not that he could...but to pay for my defense. And that, in a nutshell, is my father."

JJ was torn. She was aware of Reid's scornful opinion of his father, but not sure she thought it was healthy. And, as herself the mother of a child with an absentee father, she had a need to see William in a better light than did Reid. But she also needed to sympathize with the man she was coming to love, and the abandoned boy he'd been.

"Isn't it a good thing that he reached out at all?"

"He didn't reach out to  _me_ , JJ, he reached out to Katie. It's more like he's trying to clean up the mess I'm making than it's like he's trying to help  _me_."

JJ wasn't so sure about that, but sensed it wasn't the time to argue about it. Then something else he'd said struck her.

"Spence, I never even thought about the cost of this. It's huge, isn't it? A legal defense?" She was already trying to figure out how they might get a loan to pay for it.

He gave a bitter chuckle. "Well, I guess it's good my dad is on the case, 'cause I never thought about it either. But Katie said not to worry, it's been paid for."

"Paid for?!" And then JJ put it together. "Rossi." She looked at Reid. "And he hasn't said a word, has he?"

"No, but I ran into him at Katie's office a few weeks ago. He told me how sorry he was he couldn't get Strauss and her dogs to back off. But I never even thought…"

"He's a good man, Spence."

"I don't know how I could ever repay him, JJ. I mean…"

She put a finger to his lips. "I don't think he would want you to. I don't know that he'd even be looking for a 'thank you'. If I know Rossi, he'll be happy to see you free, and doing what you do best."

"Well, he's getting a 'thank you', whether he wants it or not."

They were interrupted by the doorbell. As JJ got up, she wondered, "Who could be here at this hour?"

Reid, fearful that the media...or something more sinister...might be awaiting them, ran to head her off.

"JJ, don't open it! Let me take a look first."

Reid went to the window and drew the curtain aside. JJ watched a puzzlement cross his face. "Go ahead and open it. It's Hotch."

"Hi...Hotch." He could hear the wariness in JJ's voice as she greeted him.

"JJ, Reid. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'd originally intended to keep this for the morning, but Katie convinced me otherwise."

She tried to be gracious despite her curiosity. "Can I get you anything? Have you had dinner?"

"I'm fine, I had a working dinner with Katie."

It wasn't lost on Reid that Hotch had known where to find him. They hadn't discussed their evening plans when they'd parted after court.  _He knows._

"Hotch, what is it? Has something happened?" They were all seated now, Hotch in a chair by the fire, and Reid and JJ together on the couch.

"Nothing new, but there was something I was going to wait until tomorrow to tell you. After discussing it with Katie, it seemed better to tell you tonight, in case things move more quickly in court."

Reid was a little irritated. He trusted his superior, and was learning to trust Katie. But not if they were making decisions about what he could and couldn't know about his own defense. "Hotch, just tell me. _Everything_. I'd rather hear it all at once than in dribs and drabs. I'd feel better knowing the whole of what I'm fighting against, you know?"

Hotch gave a rueful nod. "You're right, Reid, of course. There isn't that much more at the moment. I just didn't want to overwhelm you...you've never been in this kind of situation before."

"I appreciate it, Hotch. But I need to know everything. Can you understand?"

"Completely. So I'll give you what I have at the moment. But you need to understand that Donner is updating his witness and evidence lists daily. There are probably things none of us know yet."

Reid had already expressed his dismay at the tactics of attorneys. He was resigned to it now. "I understand, Hotch. Just tell me what you  _do_  know...please."

"Okay, here it is. As you are aware, we've lost the argument about showing the video. That will probably happen tomorrow, after the congressional aide testifies."

Both younger agents bore confused looks on their faces. JJ spoke. "Congressional aide?"

"Yes. You remember we've been watching the gallery for any hint of who might be expected to testify." On the theory that both Strauss and Senator Cramer would either testify themselves...which was doubtful...or send a subordinate to do so, they'd been looking to see who was or wasn't in attendance. They'd noticed that Strauss' minion was attending, and wouldn't have been able to do so if they were planning to testify...so they'd thought they might get testimony from Strauss herself. Senator Cramer's aide, however, had been absent from the courtroom, making it likely that he was expected to testify in place of the senator.

Hotch was still speaking. "It looks like Cramer's aide will testify to set up the video, and then it will be shown to the jury."

He noticed that Reid was cringing. "Remember, Reid, show nothing in the courtroom tomorrow. You don't want the jury to see you as being ashamed of it, but nor should they see you as being flippant about it."

"You're right, Hotch. I'll get it together for tomorrow. Was that all?"

"I wish. No." He paused, and then told them. "They've put Erin Strauss on the witness list now. We think she'll testify that she had nothing to do with concocting the plan about the exchange, and that she didn't know when it was happening." This witness wouldn't come as a huge surprise to them, but the next one might.

Reid had to admit it. "Well, she didn't, at least not entirely. But once she found out, we didn't hear a word from her. She didn't try to stop us at all."

"A point that Katie will no doubt make. But Donner will point the jury right back to you after that. We just wanted you to be prepared to see her."

Neither JJ nor Reid had spoken with the woman since the day she'd threatened Reid. The bitterness of that encounter came immediately back to both of them.

"There's more?" Reid had been serious about wanting to know the entirety of it now. To adequately prepare for battle, one must know the fullness of the enemy.

Hotch hesitated, studying both of them. "We found another new name on the witness list. They'd done their best to bury it." His gaze focused in on JJ now. "They're calling Will LaMontagne."

* * *

Wednesday morning began with Donner calling Congressional Aide Elliott to the stand.

"Mr. Elliott, you are an aide to Senator Cramer, correct?"

"I am."

"Were you present at the hearings related to the actions of the BAU that led to the death of Ian Doyle?"

"Yes, sir, I was. I'm present at every committee and subcommittee hearing that Senator Cramer attends."

"Can you explain the process of recording the proceedings of the subcommittee?"

"Of course. The testimony of every witness that comes before the subcommittee is recorded to promote accuracy in record-keeping. Those recordings may or may not be made public, depending on the sensitivity of the material being covered. All witnesses are so informed at the time of their testimony."

"So the testimony of the members of the BAU was recorded, with their knowledge?"

"Yes."

"And have those recordings been released for presentation at this court proceeding?"

"To my knowledge, yes, they have."

"No further questions, Your Honor."

Judge Ford turned to the defense table. "Ms. Kelly?"

Katie rose. "Only a few questions, Mr. Elliott. Did any member of the BAU sign a release allowing their statements to be shown outside the congressional hearing room?"

He didn't have to think about it. It was never done. "No, Ms. Kelly, they didn't."

"Did they have reason to feel they could speak freely to the congressmen?"

"They were encouraged to do so."

"And, just to be clear, these statements were made before any charges were filed, or even considered, against any member of the BAU?"

"I believe that is true."

"Mr. Elliott, if charges were being considered, would the testifying parties be made aware?"

He looked confused, so she clarified. "Would they be advised of their rights before they agreed to give testimony?"

"I can't answer that question, Ms. Kelly. I simply have no experience with it."

* * *

Next came the introduction of the congressional review panel video. Donner addressed the jury.

"You are about to see a recording that was made before the congressional panel chaired by Senator Cramer. Each member of the BAU was brought individually before the panel, to be questioned about the events leading to the death of Ian Doyle. You are about to see Agent Reid take full responsibility for developing the plan that would lead to Mr. Doyle's death. You will see a government agent who arrogantly and deliberately challenges the congressmen charged with oversight of such actions, and who recklessly and callously used prisoner Doyle as a pawn."

"Objection, Your Honor." It was all Katie could do to keep from shouting. "Prosecution is editorializing on the content of the recording. The jury should be allowed to decide for itself how to characterize the contents."

"Sustained. Members of the jury, you will disregard Attorney Donner's comments in your consideration of the video recording."

Donner knew how to play the game too. Once heard, he couldn't be un-heard.

The lights were dimmed in the courtroom as the video was brought up on the screen.

"You're the one who suggested Ian Doyle be released."

"I am."

"And you're the only agent who has not requested reinstatement to the unit."

"Mm-hmm."

"Was the decision to release Ian Doyle a personal one?"

"A young boy's life was at stake. I ran the probability of his survival and it wasn't good. If you want to punish  _me_  for taking a risk, then I encourage you to do that. But do not put the rest of my team on trial for something that I suggested."

"Calm down, Agent."

"This _is_  calm, and it's 'Doctor'."

* * *

**A.N. There is a disclaimer in my profile that acknowledges my complete absence of contribution to the creation of the wonderful characters I enjoy writing about. But I should make a special acknowledgement here that the final conversation in this chapter was taken, word for word, (and rewind by rewind), from the Criminal Minds Season 7 episode "It Takes A Village."**


	21. Chapter 21

**Consequences**

**Chapter 21**

Donner managed to show the video three times in succession, under the pretext of the jury needing multiple viewings to absorb the dialogue. Katie thought to object on the basis of overkill, but didn't want to draw even more attention to the recording. She noted that the jury kept looking back and forth between the video screen and Reid, as though trying to reconcile the person in the courtroom with the personality they'd been watching on screen. She found some of their looks inscrutable. She really couldn't tell how much the video would hurt Reid.

When the visual was done, Donner turned back to Congressional Aide Elliott.

"Mr. Elliott, does that accurately depict what you remember of that day? The defiance of Agent Reid?"

Katie just looked at the judge, who admonished the prosecutor. "Mr. Donner."

Donner feigned remorse. "Sorry, Your Honor. I forget that I don't have to point out the obvious."

Judge Ford could have reprimanded him for that, but he admired the legal hubris. In truth, so did Katie, who filed the line away for future use.

Ford instructed, "Mr. Donner, you may rephrase your question."

"Yes, Your Honor. Mr. Elliott, did the video accurately depict the exchange between Agent Reid and the subcommittee?"

Elliott had been instructed to answer 'yes or no' questions with either 'yes' or 'no'. But he felt it would be misleading in this situation, and felt it his duty to have the jury understand things as clearly as possible. "Well, the clip shown was not the whole of Agent Reid's testimony, but what  _was_  shown was accurate."

Donner looked a little put out by the answer, but didn't choose to rebut his own witness. Katie and Hotch noticed the looks of curiosity on the jury members' faces. Neither of the defense team thought the remainder of Reid's exchange with the subcommittee served him any better than the part that had been shown. But there was no way the jury could know that. The two exchanged a look and made a silent agreement not to show the rest of the recording. Better to have the jury think that the prosecution was hiding some exculpatory evidence, even when it wasn't true.

Donner minimized his losses by dismissing the witness.

"The prosecution calls Section Chief Erin Strauss of the FBI."

Of all the witnesses to date, Reid had the most difficulty keeping his promise of eye contact with this one. Not only could she hurt him, but she was still in a position to hurt so many people he truly cared about. And he was completely torn about her as well. As much as he'd tried to hate her…..and as much as he'd gone along with Morgan in punching her face as a target on his bag…he still saw her as a fault-ridden human being, fragile in her sobriety….and maybe not even maintaining that sobriety. None of the defense team could understand that in the same way Reid could. Even JJ had expressed her inability to find pity for Strauss.

But Reid couldn't  _help_  but understand. He knew from personal experience the grip that a chemical substance could exert on a person, and the magnetic force it created to pull one back into it. That understanding had led him into the conversation with Strauss that set this whole fiasco into motion. He should have regretted it. But he was who he was, and he couldn't have handled himself any differently.

When he'd had this conversation with JJ, she'd simply shushed him with a kiss. "Spence, I'm sorrier than I can say that we're in this place. But the part of you that looks for the good in everyone….even if you never find it…..well, I wouldn't have you change that for anything in the world. Even for an end to this. It's part of what makes you… you."

Reid was interrupted from his brief reverie when the swearing in process was completed and Donner rose to speak.

"Chief Strauss, can you explain your position in the FBI, as it relates to the BAU?"

At the same time, Reid and Hotch noticed that Strauss had something in her mouth.  _A mint?_  thought Reid, thinking back to the congressional hearing.  _Maybe she_ has _relapsed._ He exchanged a look with his unit chief.

"Certainly. I am a section chief. I oversee the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI, which is comprised of three teams that are organized into units. Each of those is headed by a unit chief, also called the special agent in charge. The teams generally have six or seven members each, depending on staffing availability and turnover."

"And the team in question…can you tell us who the members are?"

"It is headed by Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner, and….."

Donner interrupted her. "Pardon the interruption, Chief Strauss. Just to clarify, is the Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner, the same person who is consulting to the defense, seated at the defense table?"

She made a show of looking over to the defense, as though she hadn't noticed Hotch the minute she'd entered the courtroom. He held her gaze steadily.

"He is."

Donner raised his brows for the sake of the jury, hoping to convey his disdain for an agent who would betray his section chief by defending a subordinate.

"Thank you, Chief Strauss. You may continue. You were naming the members of the BAU team who were brought before the congressional review panel."

"Yes. In addition to Agent Hotchner, the team is comprised of SSA David Rossi, SSA Derek Morgan, SSA Emily Prentiss, SSA Jennifer Jareau and SSA Spencer Reid, the defendant. There is also Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia, who consults with this team and serves as a backup consultant to the other BAU teams."

"Chief Strauss, can you give the members of the jury some background on the case that led to the offering up of the life of Ian Doyle?"

"Objection, Your Honor." Katie didn't need to cite her reason.

"Sustained. Mr. Donner, you will refrain from characterizing the events. Please stick to factual information."

"Yes, Your Honor." But his point had been made.

"Chief Strauss?"

She began. "Months before the death of Ian Doyle, he took captive one of the members of the BAU, SSA Emily Prentiss. Agent Prentiss had previous employment working undercover with Interpol. Through that undercover work, she came into contact with Mr. Doyle in a way that led to his arrest and imprisonment. When he escaped custody, he searched for her and took her captive. While he had her, he inflicted a number of injuries, some of which were grave. The BAU worked with Interpol to find Agent Prentiss. She was taken to hospital with life threatening injuries, from which she eventually recovered. However, to protect her, it was announced that she had died. When she'd regained her health, she was moved to another location and given another identity."

The members of the jury were completely caught up in the story. It was the stuff of spy novels and movies, and they were thoroughly entertained. Katie had anticipated this, and was concerned. What seemed entertainment often lost the feeling of a true life-or-death situation. People were used to happy endings, however they had to be manipulated. And that diminished the true nature of the danger. She would need to make them feel what the BAU had felt at the time...that Declan had been in danger of his life, and it wouldn't end well unless they acted.

Donner moved Strauss along. "And Mr. Doyle?"

"He eluded captivity at that time."

"Chief Strauss, were all of the members of the BAU aware that Agent Prentiss had survived her injuries?"

"Only Agents Hotchner and Jareau were aware. We'd decided that the reactions of the others would be more genuine, and therefore more convincing, if they didn't know."

"Who made that decision, Chief Strauss?"

"Agent Hotchner and I made it together."

"What happened next?"

"That particular team was in disarray, in addition to being short-staffed. Agent Hotchner took a temporary position consulting overseas, Agent Reid eventually took a leave of absence."

Reid could feel the jury's eyes on him, could feel them judging his strength of character and finding it wanting. Why else would he have needed to take a leave?

Katie had to give due lawyerly credit to Donner, who paused in his questioning long enough for the jury to accomplish its judgment of Reid. Donner then continued.

"Chief Strauss, what was the rest of the team doing during this period of time?"

"They were too undermanned to be in the field, so they were performing local duties…..reviewing old cases, teaching at the training academy."

"Was there no investigation of the Doyle case?"

Strauss did her best to make sure her facial expression conveyed her disapproval. "It hadn't been assigned to the BAU team, but I learned later that they had been conducting their own investigation the entire time."

"Under whose orders?"

"Agent Derek Morgan was the SSA in charge at the time."

"And they located Mr. Doyle?"

"They located his son, Declan. They surveilled the boy to get Doyle. Then they took Doyle into custody. But the boy disappeared."

Donner made sure the jury saw his surprise. "Disappeared?"

"He went home from school early, supposedly sick. Then he disappeared. The BAU interrogated Doyle. He told them about the boy's mother, that she hadn't wanted to give birth to the child, and might not have his best interests at heart. The BAU came up with another possibility for having abducted Declan as well. A man named McDermott, who'd been a crime rival of Doyle."

"Were you aware of what the BAU team was doing at the time?"

"I was made aware when Agent Prentiss came to see me. She told me they'd concluded the boy was with his mother and McDermott. They'd come up with a plan to use Doyle in trade for the boy."

" _Who_  had come up with the plan, Chief Strauss?"

"I was told it was Agent Reid."

"And did you approve of the plan?"

"I wasn't given the option. They were already carrying it out."

Donner was almost done. He just wanted to recap. "So the BAU team enacted a plan that was created by Agent Reid, to risk the life of Ian Doyle in exchange for that of his son…..who was, at the time, with his own mother. And they did so without approval from their superior."

"That is correct."

"No further questions at this time, Your Honor."

"Ms. Kelly?"

Katie was already out of her seat.

"Chief Strauss, apart from the work of the BAU, unknown to you as you testified, was the FBI making any attempt to locate Ian Doyle?"

"I believe Interpol was searching for him."

"Despite the fact that he'd nearly killed one of your own agents?"

It was easy to tell that Strauss was annoyed. "For the work she'd done for Interpol."

"So the BAU team, believing they'd lost one of their own to Ian Doyle, was expected to refrain from searching for the killer?"

"They were expected to follow orders, Ms. Kelly."

Katie wasn't to be put off. "Is it the custom of the FBI to have its investigations performed by other agencies, Chief Strauss?"

"The FBI partners with many agencies, Ms. Kelly."

Katie decided on another tack. She hoped she'd made her point to the jury. "How was Mr. Doyle ultimately taken into custody?"

Strauss looked like she'd sucked a lemon as she answered. "He was located by the BAU and arrested."

"Unharmed?"

"Unharmed."

"Chief Strauss, is it true that Agent Derek Morgan had to instruct another agent not to shoot Mr. Doyle at the time of the arrest?" Pause. "Thereby preserving his life?"

"The case reports submitted by the agents present indicate that's what happened."

"Would you say that was the work of an operative who wanted Ian Doyle dead?"

"No, but Agent Morgan is not the one on trial for Doyle's death."

Katie was annoyed-with Strauss, but also with herself, for having given Strauss the opening. "Your Honor?"

Ford spoke. "Chief Strauss, please answer 'yes' or 'no' whenever such a response would suffice."

Strauss managed to look imperious, not abashed. She nodded at the judge.

Katie resumed her cross-examination. "Chief Strauss, when Agent Prentiss told you about the plan to offer Ian Doyle in exchange for the life of his son, did she indicate whether there was an intention to  _actually_  turn Mr. Doyle over to his enemies?"

"Her statement to me indicated only that they could think of no other way to get the child back. She could not assure me of Mr. Doyle's safety."

Strauss was being stubborn. Katie tried to push her. "So are you saying that Agent Prentiss did not tell you that Agent Reid offered to literally chain himself to Mr. Doyle?" Katie knew there was more than one way to get testimony before a jury.

"She did not."

Katie started back to the defense table, then turned around. "One more thing, Chief Strauss. When you learned of the BAU's plan, did you issue an order for them to stop?"

"They were already on their way."

"Nevertheless, the plan had not yet been carried out. Did you or did you not issue an order for them to stop?"

Strauss paused for a long moment. The behavioral analysts in the courtroom could sense her debating how best to answer. She finally had to go with, "I did not."

* * *

They recessed for lunch after Strauss' testimony. The prosecution had declined to redirect, but reserved the right to call her again at a later time.

Reid pulled out his cell to call JJ, but noticed several messages on it. They were all from Bennington. Immediately alarmed that something was wrong with his mother, he punched in the number for Dr. Norman.

"Dr. Reid, thank you for calling me back."

"Dr. Norman, is there something wrong?"

Norman heard the concern in Reid's voice. "Oh, no, Dr. Reid. Your mother is fine. Well, for the moment, anyway."

"What does that mean?"

"Dr. Reid, first let me say that I'm sorry for your trouble. Agent Jareau phoned me a while back to alert me and to ask that your mother not see any news reports. I can assure you that she has not."

Reid was breathing a sigh of relief at that, but then caught his breath again when Dr. Norman continued. "But I'm afraid that, while we've been able to keep her from finding the media, the media has found _her."_

Reid closed his eyes.  _Oh, no!_

"What's going on, Dr. Norman?"

"The media are camped outside our gate and we've been inundated with phone requests to speak with or about your mother. I'm afraid the word has gotten out, Dr. Reid. I'm so sorry. I don't think it was anyone on our end, but we are looking into it."

Reid was concerned. His mother's mental state was so fragile. "How is she, Dr. Norman? Does she know?"

"We don't think she understands what's going on, but one persistent reporter did get through to her. Apparently he asked her if you were known to have any mental health problems, like she has."

Reid's hand went to his head as he heard this. Katie noticed it from across the room and alerted Hotch. "Something's wrong." They watched as Reid completed his call.

"And?" Reid was pretty sure he knew what he would hear.

"And she became quite agitated….but only briefly, and we were able to calm her down."

"Dr. Norman, can you keep her away from all media? And the phone?" The last thing Reid wanted to do was to hurt his mother.

"We're doing that already, Dr. Reid. I just thought I should let you know. I don't know if there are any legal steps that might be taken….."

"I'll look into it right away."

"Dr. Reid...Spencer…." He could tell Norman was having trouble with whatever was coming next.

"Just tell me."

"We've received word that there's to be a feature on your mother this evening…..on the Helen Faith show."

_Oh, God._

"I don't know what they know, Spencer. We've done everything we could to protect her privacy."

He was silent for a long time.

"Spencer?"

"Thank you, Dr. Norman. For everything. I'm sure you've done all you could." He meant that. He knew they respected the privacy of all of their patients.

"You're welcome. And again, I'm so sorry. We really are rooting for you here….all of us."

After he ended the call, Reid sat, head in hands, thinking, trying to strategize. He didn't hear Hotch approach him.

"Reid?"

He looked up. "They're getting to my mom. Dr. Norman called from Bennington. They're trying to get access to her. And whether they've got access or not, whether it's accurate or not, apparently they're going to publicize it."

Hotch could see Reid's composure failing. "We've got to stop it, Hotch. Isn't there anything you can do?"

* * *

After a lengthy discussion, and a fairly heated exchange, Hotch gave in and allowed Katie to enact her plan to protect Diana Reid.


	22. Chapter 22

**Consequences**

**Chapter 22**

They were still in the conference room, awaiting the start of the afternoon session, when a knock admitted one of the BAU team members.

"Emily, hi." Her arrival wasn't a surprise to any of them. She was on the prosecution's witness list. They all assumed she'd be testifying to Reid's having come up with the plan about Doyle. The look on her face told Reid how greatly she regretted her role in the entire affair.

She walked up to him and gave him a quick embrace. "I am so, so sorry…"

He held her away, cutting her off. "Emily, we've been over this. You're not responsible for this. Not for any of it."

She loved him for saying so, but she didn't agree with him. Her sleepless nights were becoming apparent in her face. Knowing she'd been called by the prosecution, she'd begged Hotch to call her again, for the defense case, to testify to the character of her young friend and teammate.

She studied Reid just as he was studying her. They both spoke at once.

"You look so tired….," from him, mixed with, "What's wrong? I mean, besides all this?" As she spoke, Emily waved her hand in the direction of the courtroom. She'd picked up on a subtle signal from Reid, as she'd always been able to do.

His shoulders slumped as he told her about the problem in Las Vegas. "Katie wants us to bring in additional counsel there. She thinks it's too hard to try to get a legal injunction from here."

"And?"

"And it's not an easy thing to do. Nor cheap."

Emily's eyes brightened. Maybe this was her opportunity to help him. "Reid, I'm happy to pay…."

He cut her off again. "I appreciate that, Emily. But Rossi is already covering Katie's expenses…."

She hadn't known that, then realized that she should have. She smiled at the generosity of another good friend.

Reid was continuing "…..and I didn't think it would be right to add more to the cost of it. So I was forced to go along with Katie's idea." He couldn't keep a look of disgust from his face.

"Reid, you don't look like you're particularly fond of the plan. What is it? And is it too late to change it?" Emily couldn't help but wonder why Hotch hadn't intervened, if Reid was as opposed as he looked.

"It's already done, she's already spoken with him."

"Him?"

"My father. He still practices law, and she's asked him to be the point person in Las Vegas. He'll be trying to get a restraining order against the media, to keep them from Bennington and to keep them from contacting my mother or any Bennington staff."

Emily nodded uncertainly as she took it in. Only Rossi and Morgan had met William Reid in Las Vegas, but by their accounts, and Reid's as well, the man was anything but assertive. Maybe this  _wasn't_ the best plan.

Reid interrupted her thought process. "With all of this going on, I haven't had a chance to call JJ yet. Would you excuse me?" And he stepped away.

She wandered over to where Hotch and Katie were talking. "Hotch? Why?"

He knew without asking what she was referencing.

"Because he's motivated. He wants to help his son. And motivation takes you a long way in a legal battle."

"So you really think he'll be able to make it go away?"

Katie interjected. "Some of it. But it won't stop the media who don't mind operating on rumor and innuendo. I think we may have to reconsider this decision down the road. If they go on air with made up 'facts', we might be better off countering them with real ones."

Emily and Hotch looked across the room to where their colleague was speaking on the phone. Both of them knew that the invasion of his privacy, and that of his family, was already one of the most painful parts of the ordeal for him.

"He doesn't realize that, does he?" she asked. "That he might have to make things public himself?"

"Not yet. And I'm hoping he won't ever have to."

* * *

"The prosecution calls SSA Emily Prentiss."

As she was sworn in, Emily could feel the penetrating gaze of each jury member, as well as the entire gallery. Here was the person who'd been an undercover spy, who'd 'died' and gone into witness protection, and then participated in the crime for which they'd been called to assign guilt. It was as if a celebrity had entered the courtroom.

Donner had been granted permission to treat her as a hostile witness. That allowed him the privilege of using leading questions in eliciting her testimony. He didn't need permission to instill the hostility into his tone of voice.

"Agent Prentiss, you were attacked and nearly killed by Ian Doyle, is that true?"

"Yes."

"And you returned to Quantico to exact vengeance, isn't that also true?"

"No, sir."

"It's not, Agent Prentiss?" Donner wanted the jury to doubt her, right along with him.

"No, sir, it's not. I came back to help locate and free his son, Declan."

"Really? What was your relationship to the child, Agent?"

She had to swallow. "He…..I helped to raise him for a little while, when I was undercover."

"Might one say you had maternal feelings toward him, then?"

Donner was hoping that the parents on the jury panel would believe Emily might have done virtually anything for the child...including going along with a plan that would get the child's father killed.

Emily regrouped. She needed to hold it together, for Reid. "One  _should_  say that I cared about him, very much. But I was never his mother."

"You must have been very angry with Ian Doyle, Agent Prentiss. For what he'd done to you, and for what you thought he might be doing to his own son."

"I knew that Ian Doyle loved his son. I believed him when he said someone else must have taken Declan."

"If you thought Ian Doyle loved his son, Agent Prentiss, why did you hide that son from him for so many years?"

This was a courtroom bombshell. All brows went up. Even Emily was surprised. She hadn't realized Donner knew about that.

Katie was out of her seat. "May I approach, Your Honor?"

Ford granted it. Donner joined her.

"Your Honor, we're treading very close to highly classified material. The boy has been granted protection, and has been given a new identity. Mr. Donner has even stipulated to using his written testimony in an affidavit rather than bringing him out of hiding. Bringing this line of questioning before the court might put him, and those caring for him, at risk. Mr. Doyle created many enemies around the world, Your Honor. These are people who would still exact revenge on his son."

"Mr. Donner, where were you hoping this road would lead us? And is it worth it?" Ford's tone implied the correct answer.

Donner was the father of six children himself. "I'll get there another way, Your Honor."

Nodding his satisfaction, Ford gaveled them back into session.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will disregard that last question."

The courtroom was disappointed. Things had been about to get juicy.

"Agent Prentiss, please tell the court about the conversation that led Agent Reid to decide to recklessly risk Ian Doyle's life."

He was trying to goad Katie into making another objection, but she restrained herself. Too many objections began to look like whining. Better for the jury to see Donner as a bully.

Emily recounted the conversation in as much detail as she could remember, emphasizing Reid's insistence that he would do everything he could to keep Ian Doyle safe.

"But he didn't keep him safe, did he, Agent Prentiss?"

Emily was trying not to look defeated. "I don't think anyone could have kept him safe, Mr. Donner."

"Making it a less than stellar plan, wouldn't you say?" He paused for effect, then quickly added, "No further questions." Wanting to end on this note.

"Ms. Kelly?"

"Just one question, Agent Prentiss. Did anyone else have a plan to save the child? Anything at all?"

"No. Agent Reid's plan was all we had."

* * *

The defense group retreated back to the conference room at the end of the court day. Emily joined them and went immediately to Reid. She took him into her arms and squeezed.

"I love you, you know that. Please say you know that."

He hugged her back. "Of course I do, Emily. You were great today."

When they separated, he could see that she'd teared up. He wasn't used to this from Emily, and it threw him.

"Hey, what's this? I thought you were trying to cheer me up." Humor usually worked with her.

Not this time. She was shaking her head. "I'm just so sorry, Reid. I brought all of this down on you."

The stress of testifying, and the many sleepless nights, were catching up with her. Tears were actually falling now.

He took her by the shoulders, only subconsciously aware of their role reversal.

"You didn't do anything but your job, Emily. We were both only doing our jobs. The people responsible for this are the ones who are trying to advance their careers on it. You didn't do anything wrong."

As Emily looked at him, she watched the realization cross Reid's face.

Katie and Hotch couldn't help but take it all in. What they saw brought sighs of relief. It was the message they, and JJ, had been trying to beat into Reid from the beginning. And he hadn't been able to hear it, so determined was he to own the responsibility for everything. But now, having had to convince his friend of her own innocence,  _he_  was saying it, and hearing it, and believing it, for the first time.

He turned to his defense team. "I get it. I get it now. It wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. I was doing my job, and it had a bad outcome. But I didn't cause it."

Hotch gave him a rare smile, Emily hugged him again and Katie, who wasn't as used to Reid as the others, gave him a ' _what took you so long, genius_?' look.

* * *

This time Henry greeted him at the door. "Hi Uncle Spence! Did you know there's only six more days 'til Christmas? Yay!"

Reid hugged his godson, his day immediately brightening. He found JJ in the kitchen, Christmas cards spread out in front of her on the table. Leaning over, he reached his arms around her and breathed in the scent of her hair. "Mmmm."

She turned in her seat to kiss him. "Hey." Getting up, she gave herself over for a proper greeting.

"You look different." Studying him.

"I feel different." In response to her look of inquiry, he added, "I feel  _innocent_."

He told her about the exchange with Emily, and how it had transformed him. JJ smiled her relief, but also gave him some of the same look that Katie had. That made him laugh.

"That's exactly what Katie 'said'!"

"Katie is a very bright woman."

He agreed. Then a thought struck him. "JJ, Henry just reminded me that it's only six days until Christmas. I haven't gotten him anything yet, I lost track…."

"Relax, Spence, I've got you covered. Or, rather, Garcia has." Henry's godmother was infamous for overshopping for her godson. "She put aside a couple of gifts for you to give him."

"Thank you, Penelope." His team seemed to be rescuing him from everything these days.

JJ asked for details about the afternoon. She'd already heard about the media problems in Las Vegas during their noon conversation. They were aware that Helen Faith was still planning on airing her 'Rogue FBI Agent' feature, notwithstanding. Katie had made Reid promise not to watch the program, fearing the effect it would have on him. Garcia would handle all tracking of media coverage of the case. In her spare time, of course.

"I just feel so bad, JJ. What did my mom ever do? She certainly never asked to have the life she's had. And now these vultures want to exploit her situation. And for what? Ratings?"

She rubbed his arm in sympathy. When she'd been the team's media liaison, she'd often had to fight for the privacy of the victims and their families, but she also occasionally needed the assistance of the press to help the team with its work. It had always been a double-edged sword.

"There are members of the press with real integrity, too, Spence. We'll just have to hope they step forward in this. Sometimes I think the people who watchthese shows are equally responsible. If people would just turn them off, they'd go away."

Reid agreed with her. "I still can't believe people  _do_  watch these things. They're not entertainment. And we know they're certainly not 'news'." The sarcasm remained in his voice as he added, "But I guess it's keeping my father busy."

JJ knew about the plan. "I'm glad you agreed to it. It's a chance for him to show that he really wants to help."

Reid gave a bitter snort. "Yeah, I'll bet. I would love to have seen the look on his face when Katie asked him to actually  _do_  something, instead of just digging into his pocket for money."

"He could have said 'no', Spence. He didn't."

The comment seemed to come from JJ, but some part of Reid heard it as the voice of his own conscience.

* * *

"Innocence looks good on you."

They were cuddling on the couch, JJ silently thanking God for the new found confidence she saw in Reid's face.

"I feel better today. In spite of everything. I guess I was finding it hard to really fight when I agreed that I was responsible. And I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out."

_Because you're so used to carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, my love_. JJ knew he'd done it since childhood.

Aloud, she said, "Well, I'm glad you've figured it out now. I think we've still got a big fight ahead of us, though. I talked with Hotch for a little bit this afternoon, after he'd dropped you home. He told me what you'd all discussed after court. That he thinks Donner is almost done with the factual pieces….you know, exactly what happened, who said what. That he's about to move on to what might have motivated your actions."

Reid nodded. "And that means the character assassination is about to start. I know, Katie and Hotch drove the point home very well. I'm supposed to be trying to steel myself…however one does that."

JJ could tell that Reid's new confidence wasn't penetrating very deeply. She held on to him.

"You do it by seeing yourself through the eyes of the people who love you, remember? No matter what you hear in the courtroom, you are still the person  _we_  know you to be. We  _know_  you, and we all love you. It doesn't matter what people who don't know you think."

"Except for the jury…"

"The jury..." He had a point. "Well, we'll just have to make sure they  _get_  to know you. Katie will have all of us to testify to your character. We'll convince them."

He kissed the top of her head in thanks for the sentiment. Then, "JJ, did Hotch tell you about Will? About why he thinks Donner is calling him?"

"Yes." She heaved a deep sigh.

"What do you think?"

"Despite our differences, he's a good man, Spence. He'll be honest, but I don't think he'll deliberately try to hurt you. And whether he likes it or not, he knows how important you are to Henry, and to me."

JJ thought, but did not say aloud,  _Will realized just how important you are to me even before I did._

Reid was also thinking without speaking. 

_W_ _hether or not he tries, he'll hurt me.  
_


	23. Chapter 23

**Consequences**

**Chapter 23**

"The prosecution calls Detective William LaMontagne."

The two men who loved Jennifer Jareau avoided eye contact as Will took the stand. After he was sworn in, Donner approached the witness box.

"Detective LaMontagne, where are you currently employed?"

"I work with the MPDC, the Metropolitan Police Department for the District."

"And, prior to that employment?"

"I was with NOPD, in New Orleans." There were slight smiles around the courtroom. That explained the accent.

"And it was in that capacity that you first met Agent Reid?"

"Yes. We had a series of murders, and the FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit was called in to consult."

"And Agent Reid was a member of the consultation team?"

"He was."

"Did you notice anything about his behavior at that time, Detective?"

Katie was out of her seat. "Objection. The witness is not qualified to interpret behaviors."

Donner countered. "But he  _is_  qualified to observe and describe them. He is, after all, a detective."

Judge Ford denied the objection but cautioned the prosecution. "The witness may respond. Detective LaMontagne, you will confine your response to the description of any behaviors noted. Please do not ascribe any motivation to the behaviors."

Donner posed the question again.

"He seemed a little standoffish, you know, not as friendly as the others. But he seemed professional."

"Did that change at any point during the consultation, Detective LaMontagne?"

"Well, he kind of disappeared at some point. I know the others on the team were concerned about him."

"How so?"

"He was supposed to go with a couple of other team members to conduct some interviews. They were supposed to fly out….but he didn't show up. They ended up having to do the interviews without him."

"And did he offer an explanation for his absence?"

"He said he hadn't gotten the messages."

"But?"

"But he later admitted he'd been with an old friend, having a drink in a club."

Donner felt like he'd made his point. He had planted the seed about drug use during his opening statement. Now the jury could decide for itself whether a drink was all Reid and his friend had been sharing.

"Detective LaMontagne, let's move forward in time to the events of last summer. After the reported 'death' of Agent Prentiss, did you see Agent Reid?"

"A lot. He came over to the house all the time."

"For what purpose, detective?"

"He came to see my girlfriend. They work together, and they were good friends. She felt bad for him because he was so upset over Emily. She invited him to dinner at least once a week."

"What is your girlfriend's name, Detective?" Donner wanted to be sure the jury connected JJ to this testimony whenever she might give her own.

"Jennifer Jareau. But we're not together anymore."

"Oh? Is she in another relationship now?"

Katie was twitching. There was something about this that was bad. But she couldn't come up with a reason for objecting. Reid's pulse quickened. His relationship with JJ was so new...had someone been spying on them? How else would Donner have known to ask? Or had Will told him?

"She's with Agent Reid now."

The courtroom came to attention again. This was sounding promising….a romantic triangle in the middle of a manslaughter case. The press in the room were in a tizzy. This case had everything….spies, kidnappings, killings, and now the romance angle. The fact that it also involved human beings was lost on them.

Donner paused for effect, then resumed his questioning of Will.

"Detective LaMontagne, you were telling us about the time after the 'death' of Emily Prentiss. Can you describe Agent Reid's mood during that time?"

"Objection, Your Honor. The witness hasn't been qualified to interpret another person's mood." Katie didn't even get out of her seat for this one.

Donner didn't wait for the judge. "I'll rephrase. Detective LaMontagne, can you describe Agent Reid's behavior during his visits?"

Will looked to the judge to be sure he should answer. Ford advised him, "You may describe his behavior."

Will turned back to Donner. "He came to dinner, played with Henry….that's my son….and then he and JJ would talk. For hours. It always ended with him getting upset all over again…..and her comforting him. Pretty much every time he came, Reid would leave crying, and then JJ would be crying after he left."

Reid hadn't been looking at Will, but he did when he heard the last sentence. He'd never realized that he'd left JJ in that state.

"How long did this go on, Detective?"

"Oh, for at least two months, maybe a little longer."

"Seems a long time for such an acute expression of grief." Donner saw Katie react and quickly moved on to head off her objection. "Did you ever learn exactly what had him so upset, for so long?"

Will hesitated. He knew this might hurt Reid, and for so many complicated reasons, he didn't want to do that. But he was an honest man….

"I heard their conversation a couple of times. Spencer said he didn't see the point of their team if they couldn't keep one another safe. He told JJ that he was going to make sure nothing like that could ever happen again. That no unsub would hurt them the way Doyle had hurt Emily. I know he was going to the firing range all the time, because he told me that himself."

The entire defense table did their best not to react to the statement, but they knew it could be devastating to them. The jury had just heard that the events related to Doyle had made the defendant feel vengeful.

Donner paused long enough for the jury to figure that out, too.

"When did the visits stop, Detective?"

"Late summer. At some point, he just stopped accepting the invitation. And then he disappeared. I think he took a leave."

Donner felt like he'd made his point about Reid's emotional state and impulsive behavior. He relinquished the witness.

Judge Ford looked at the defense. "Cross, Ms. Kelly?"

"Absolutely, your honor." Katie approached Will.

"Detective LaMontagne, was your case in New Orleans solved?"

"Yes, ma'am, it was."

"How, Detective?"

"We realized that the perpetrator was reenacting some of the murders of Jack the Ripper."

Both the jury and the gallery were sitting up attentively again. This seemed like the stuff of fiction, both literally and figuratively.

Will continued. "And we were able to figure out why the killer was killing and, eventually, where she would strike again."

"How did you decipher that, Detective?"

"It was Agent Reid. He saw the pattern. He figured it out."

"And he saved a life by doing so, didn't he?"

Will nodded. "He did."

"No further questions."

"Redirect, your honor." Now Donner was up again.

"Detective LaMontagne, apart from his relationship with your girlfriend, do you have any other personal relationship with Agent Reid?"

"He's godfather to my son."

"And your son would be upset if his godfather were to be imprisoned?"

Donner was hoping the jury would conclude that Will was minimizing Reid's dysfunction for the sake of his son.

"He would."

"No further questions."

Ford looked at Katie again, amused that Donner was turning against his own witness.

"Ms. Kelly?"

She stood. "Detective LaMontagne, why did you choose Dr. Reid to be godfather to your son?"

"Well, it wasn't really me. My son's mother wanted it. She said she wanted our son to have a godfather who could be a good role model for him."

"Since your son was born, has there been any time when you felt he should not be around Dr. Reid? Any time when you were concerned that Dr. Reid would be a bad influence?"

Will and Reid made eye contact, held it for a long moment.

"Nah, Henry loves him. And he loves Henry. I've never felt any different."

* * *

During the noon recess, Katie called William Reid in Las Vegas. The legal situation there was very complicated. He'd been able to get an order keeping all forms of media from entering the grounds at Bennington, but that was the largest victory he'd won.

Had Diana Reid not been considered 'impaired', there would have been no legal recourse at all. She would simply have been expected to refuse to speak with the media. But since she wasn't legally competent, he'd been able to have a guardian ad litem appointed, who could make all such decisions. For the time being, he would be that guardian. Her health information was already protected by federal privacy laws, so he simply had Dr. Norman remind all of the Bennington staff of the stiff personal fines associated with HIPAA violations. It was impossible to obtain a blanket restraint on all forms of media, so this was the best William could do for Diana and Reid.

"I'll just remain vigilant. Please assure Spencer of that."

Katie couldn't help but notice that the man hadn't asked to speak with his son. She marveled that Reid was as functional as he seemed to be, given how his parents were.

Next, she planned to ask Garcia to weigh in on what was happening in the press and on television. Before their conversation, Katie made sure Reid stepped out the room to make his call to JJ. He knew he was being banished, and why, and he chose not to oppose it. He wanted to hold on to whatever confidence he'd developed, and he knew it would be tested by Garcia's report. And after Will's testimony today, the situation with the media would only get worse.

Before he left, he pleaded with Katie. "Please don't let them drag JJ into this. And Henry. He's just a little boy. Please, Katie. They've done nothing but love me. Please."

It happened to her only rarely. Katie tended to be able to distance herself emotionally from her work. But this was one of the few times she could be sure her client was innocent. That knowledge, and the earnest plea from Reid, made her turn her face away until she could command the tears back down.

"I'll do everything I can, Reid." She punched in Garcia's number right after he left.

"They're going for what sells. And I guess honest, hardworking Junior G man isn't a selling point. One of the so-called news channels had a couple of the congressmen's cronies on, singing the praises of their friends for cracking down on corruption in the FBI. And that…that…that...  _woman_!" Garcia made it sound like an expletive. "She kept making remarks like, 'this agent who plays games with human lives' and 'perhaps his mother isn't the only one with a mental illness'." Garcia had several more examples for them, each worse than the last. "Morgan's with me. He wants to go and visit her."

Hotch didn't think they were kidding. "You two keep a lid on it. Morgan, we've got enough trouble with this. Please don't give us more."

"I know it, Hotch, I won't do anything to hurt Reid. But you can guess whose picture is going up on my bag next. And maybe on all the targets in the firing range."

"That, I can live with." Hotch went on, "Garcia, Katie's thinking we might have to go to the media ourselves. Can you narrow us down to a couple of more sympathetic outlets?"

There was silence on the other end. Then, "You're not going to ask Reid to talk to the media, are you?"

"No, of course not. He couldn't if he wanted to. But we can identify a spokesperson or two who might work for us. It would be a last resort…..we know how Reid values his privacy…..but we need to start looking into it."

"Okay, will do, Senior G man. Please take care of Junior for me."

* * *

"He did the best he could, JJ. He was factual. It's just that the facts kind of work against me."

She was relieved to hear that Will hadn't been vindictive, but concerned about the issues being raised. Especially New Orleans. Especially since…

"Spence, is Hotch there?"

"He's in the conference room, why?"

"Something came up that I need to speak with him about. Would you have him call me when he gets a chance?"

He could hear something in her voice. "JJ, are you all right? Did something happen?"

"What? No, I just need to check with him about something. About work, not the trial."

He could tell she was upset beyond what she'd heard about the testimony this morning. And he knew she was lying to him, but couldn't fathom why. Trusting she would tell him when she was ready, he ended his call and tried to prepare for the afternoon's assault.

* * *

The afternoon session was a shortened one. After some time spent on procedural items, Donner asked for an early recess.

"My next witness could only be served today, Your Honor. I can have them here tomorrow morning."

"Mr. Donner, is this witness on your list?" Ford was aware of the tactic of 'updating' the witness list daily.

"I have updated the list since this morning, Your Honor." He handed the judge, and Katie, copies.

"Is this a newly identified witness, Mr. Donner?"

"Newly identified testimony, Your Honor. We hadn't expected to use this witness until today."

The defense couldn't help but question the veracity of that statement, but they had no recourse.

Nor did the judge. "Court is recessed until tomorrow morning."

* * *

The trial was taking a physical toll on him as well as an emotional one. Despite the support of JJ and the distraction of Henry, Reid had slept very little all week, and eaten only what JJ made him eat. He hadn't been to the gym since the trial began. The assault by the media coming at the same time as the assault on his character was putting him over an edge.

"JJ, I think I'm going to stay home tonight. I'm completely beat, and I don't think I'm fit company for anyone….especially not you and Henry."

"But, Spence…." She needed to see him, badly. "'Alright. I'm coming over."

"JJ…."

"No, I won't stay long. I'll bring you dinner and put you to bed. Please, Spence, let me."

"What about Henry?"

"Garcia's dying to spend some time with him. I think she's helping him make me a Christmas present."

* * *

He gave in, and sat waiting for her, in front of the tree she and Henry had given him. In the quiet, his mind pelted him with thoughts of all the accusations being made against him, and against his character…and now, against those he loved. Already physically weakened, he began to feel emotionally weakened, yet again.

_Please, God, if You're out there…..I've got nothing left. Please don't let JJ get hurt. And Henry! Not Henry, please! And my mom….. They keep telling me You've got big hands…well, it's all in them now. Please help us. Help me._

She knocked this time. He couldn't help but think how the sound of knocking was so much more intimate than the sound of the bell. When he opened the door to her, she just stood there, outside, looking at him. He squinted at her, that look he got when he was trying to decipher something. Right now, he was trying to decipher her, and what was going on.

Standing aside, he let her walk past him and deposit her coat and the dinner she'd brought with her. Neither had yet said a word. When she came back into the living room, she walked to the window, and stood looking out. He was more disturbed by her silence than anything else.

"JJ…."

Still with her back to him, she finally spoke.

"The prosecution subpoenaed me, " JJ told him, in a very quiet voice.

He stared at her as she turned to him. He could see the devastation in her eyes.

"The prosecution…?"

"It can only mean one thing, Spence. They know that I know."

"That you know….." The expression on his face passed rapidly from shock through to resignation.  _The summons to her office, when I gave her the token._  "It had to be Strauss. It could only be her."

JJ was nodding. "Ever since you told me that it had come up with Hotch, something was bothering me about it, but I couldn't place it. It was this. That she made sure I would know. That it would be  _me_  who could hurt you…. _only_  me." Her voice breaking.

He went to her, took her shoulders. "JJ, don't."

But she couldn't stop. "She knew. She knew that we would talk about it after that day in her office. And she knew it would come back to hurt us both."

"JJ, it's all right…"

She drew herself up. "No, it's not all right, Spence. But I can make it all right. I told you that night that it would only ever be between you and me, and I meant it. No one but us can be sure that we talked about it, and they don't have to know. I won't say anything."

Now he was shaking his head. "No, JJ, no. It could come back to hurt you, and I won't have that. You'll tell the truth, and whatever happens, happens."

It felt like he was giving up, again. "No, Spence, I won't. I won't let her win and I won't go into that courtroom and deliberately hurt you. I can't." The shakiness of her voice told him how on edge she was.

"You're talking about perjury, JJ. It's a very serious offense. Think about Henry."

"I'm thinking about  _you_!"

He was afraid for the decision she seemed to be making, and it was getting him frustrated, even angry.

"JJ, I won't have the woman I…..care about…."

She stiffened in his grasp, looked at him steadily, defiantly.

"Say what you were going to say."

"What do you mean?"

"The woman you….what?"

He couldn't maintain eye contact. He couldn't love her, not in this situation. He didn't have the right. And he might not have the freedom.

"The woman I care about."  _How did we get into_ this _conversation?_

"Now who's committing perjury?"

He was fighting with himself. She could see it in his face. He was still holding her, now pulled her closer.

"All right." His gaze bored into her. "All right. The woman I love." She could practically feel it, his eyes were so piercing. "I love you, JJ. You've known that forever. And I'm  _in_  love with you. But how can that be? How can I ask you to love me? We don't know what the future holds…"

Very quietly, she responded. "I don't need to."

The blood was pounding in his ears. He could see her lips moving, but he couldn't hear her. "What did you say?"

"I said, I don't  _need_ to know what the future holds. I only need to know that right here, right now, you love me. And I love you."

She watched him swallow thickly, still clearly fighting himself emotionally.

"Spence, no one ever knows if they'll have tomorrow. Look at all the things we've seen happen, all the people going about their normal lives, only to have them end suddenly. None of them knew it would happen. They all took their lives for granted. You and I don't have to do that. We can choose today, and now, and one another."

His face was still reflecting the internal conflict. She reached up and took it into her hands, brought it down to hers, and kissed him, ending his battle. Almost instantly, she was locked into his embrace, as he crushed her to him. She pushed away from him a little. She'd not seen this kind of passion in him before.

"Spence…"

"I want you, JJ. All of you." He was almost breathless.

Her eyes scanned back and forth across his face. She remembered those moments she'd thought their time together might be brief...

She nodded at him. "Make love to me, Spence."

His eyes widened, pupils dilated. He didn't have to be told twice. Wordlessly, he took her face into his hands again, kissing every part of it. As he did, he stepped backward and drew her toward the bedroom with him.

JJ had always thought their first time would be soft, and gentle, like Spence. But she hadn't yet encountered the man he would become when his love was threatened. Tonight, with that man, she felt need, longing, the desire to protect, passion.

She felt the two of them forging a union strong enough to withstand the tumult of the coming days.


	24. Chapter 24

 

 

 

**Consequences**

**Chapter 24**

"Hey." She was leaning on her elbows. She'd been watching him sleep for ten minutes, trying to see if she could stare him awake. When it didn't work, she bounced the bed. Then had to duck as he stretched out his arms and let out a yawn. One hand made contact.

Briefly, his eyes widened, as if he was surprised to find her there.

"JJ! Is it morning already?"

"It's only three, but I should probably get going."

"In the middle of the night?"

"Spence, Garcia was great to stay with Henry last night, but I need to let her get to work in the morning ….and I don't want to give the local newshounds any fodder for their stories. You know, 'prosecution witness caught leaving for court from the defendant's home'."

"It's the national media chasing my mom in Vegas that I'm worried about. The locals seem to be leaving me alone." He paused a moment, wondering. "Why is that?"

"Didn't you know? A bunch of off duty agents from Quantico have been running interference both here and at the courthouse."

He was flabbergasted. "I didn't even notice. I've been walking around in a fog, I guess."

"Well, they have. I saw Anderson outside when I pulled up last night."

"Anderson…wow, I never even knew."

"Well, it seems to be working here, so Rossi's reaching out to the Las Vegas office. They don't know you personally, of course, but he thinks they'll listen to him. And they'll be able to relate to being persecuted just for doing your job."

"I hope that works, because I'm not incredibly confident in my father being able to handle things on his own out there."

"It's still good that he was willing to try, isn't it?"

He wasn't willing to budge on that issue. "It would have looked bad for him to say 'no' after Katie asked him. He only abandons his family in private."

He could see her shaking her head, and knew he should change the subject.

"You know, this isn't exactly what I had in mind for 'bedroom talk'."

"Oh? You actually had something in mind?"

He blushed. "Well, not so much the talk. I guess I just pictured us spending hours together…you know."

She knew. She'd wanted it too. "When this is all over, we'll have that, Spence."

He sighed, repeating her. "When it's over….." That brought him to what lay ahead of them today. He needed to make sure she understood. Pulling her to him, he took her chin in his hand, made sure she was watching him.

"JJ, I want you to listen to me. I want you to promise me that you'll tell the truth today. We're already paying too high a price for this whole thing. I don't want it to cost us who we are. No matter how it ends, if we come out the other side with who we are intact, I'll count it a victory. Please, can you promise me?"

She looked at him for a long time. As much as she couldn't stand to be the one who might hurt him the most on the stand, she knew he was right. If they didn't have who they were, they had nothing.

She nodded. "All right. You're right. I promise." She kissed him and backed out of the bed. "But I won't be happy about it."

* * *

Katie called JJ just after she'd gotten Henry off to school.

"Hi, JJ. How are you holding up?"

"I'm shaky, but I'm also determined. Hotch talked me through it yesterday. I should answer only what I'm asked, and not volunteer anything. I'm supposed to be careful about getting emotional. We don't want to cue the jury that there's something negative in my testimony…we'll let them figure that out for themselves. And I shouldn't spend too much time looking at Spence, because that will make the jury think I'm altering my testimony for him."

"Which you won't be doing, right?" It was more of a command than a question.

"Right. But, Katie, I don't want to hurt him."

"Just be yourself, JJ. The drug use is a fact, and we can't get around it. But whether it ever influenced his work in any way is a different issue entirely. Just answer the questions honestly and let me undo any damage Donner creates. Can you trust me with that?"

JJ hadn't been in the courtroom, but she'd heard enough to have an opinion.

"Of course, Katie. I know you're doing everything you can to help Spence. Of course I trust you."

* * *

"The prosecution calls Agent Jennifer Jareau."

She'd been waiting in the hallway outside the courtroom. To her great relief, Rossi had appeared to wait with her.

"Did they call you, too?" She hadn't realized he was there for her, at first.

"No…Donner is going after issues that happened before my time with the team. I'll be testifying for the defense, if anything."

"So, you're here…why?"

"For you, my young colleague. I just thought you could use some moral support."

Immensely gratified, JJ studied him for a moment. "Rossi, how are  _you_ doing?"

"Me?"

"Yes, you. You know you're not responsible for any of this, right? I know you feel bad about not being able to….."

JJ stopped there, afraid she'd said too much. Maybe they weren't supposed to talk about Rossi's relationship with Erin Strauss. She  _was_ sure they weren't supposed to talk about Strauss' drinking.

He just looked tired, and sad. "I'm doing what I can, young JJ."

Impulsively, she leaned up and kissed his cheek. "I know what you've done for Reid. And I know I've thanked you before. But I don't think either of us could ever tell you how grateful…"

He put his hand up to shush her. "Enough! I just want to make sure you're strong going in there. It will be even harder than you've imagined." It was the voice of experience talking. "I'll be here when you come out."

As if on cue, the bailiff opened the door and called her in. Rossi squeezed her shoulder and sent her into the courtroom.

* * *

Reid studied the desk before him as JJ took the stand. He listened as she was sworn in and identified herself to the clerk. Without looking, he could sense when Donner approached her.

"Agent Jareau, would you please state your position with the FBI."

"I am a profiler assigned to the Behavioral Analysis Unit."

"And before that?"

"I was with the State Department, assigned to the Pentagon."

"And before that?"

"I was a media liaison assigned to the same Behavioral Analysis Unit."

"And is that how you came to know the defendant?"

"Yes."

"Would you please describe your relationship with the defendant?"

JJ looked confused. She thought they'd just covered that. "We work together at the BAU."

Donner had permission to treat her as a hostile witness. "Yes, Agent Jareau, that much is obvious. But isn't it also true that you are in a romantic relationship with the defendant?"

He was purposely trying to antagonize her, to rile her.

JJ knew Will had already told the court that she and Reid were seeing each other. She took a breath and remained steady. "Yes. we're in a relationship."

"Would you let that relationship influence your responses in court today. Agent Jareau?"

He  _was_  irritating her, but she'd dealt with irritating characters before. JJ was able to mask her feelings for the jury.

"I took an oath, Mr. Donner. It's my intention to be truthful."

Donner made a face that said he wasn't so sure about that. Aloud, he asked, "Agent Jareau, did there come a time when Agent Reid told you he was using drugs?"

To the jury, it seemed to come out of nowhere, but JJ had expected the question, and had prepared her answer.

"He told me he  _had_  used them, in the past, when an unsub…"

Donner cut her off. "Thank you, Agent Jareau, you've answered the question. Now please answer this one. What was the name of the drug to which he was addicted?" Donner hadn't established the actual addiction, but JJ didn't pick up on that. Nor did she see that Katie had been about to object.

She tried to keep the venom out of her voice. "Dilaudid."

"Dilaudid. That's a prescription narcotic, is it not, Agent Jareau?"

"Objection, Your Honor. Agent Jareau is not testifying as an expert in pharmaceuticals. But, for the sake of brevity, the defense will stipulate that Dilaudid is a prescription narcotic." Katie tried to look and sound weary of the whole line of inquiry, for the sake of the jury.

Judge Ford sustained the objection, noted the stipulation, and indicated that Donner should continue.

"Agent Jareau, please describe how his drug use influenced Agent Reid's behavior."

"Objection, Your Honor." Katie didn't even have to give her grounds.

"Sustained. Mr. Donner, have we qualified Agent Jareau to speak to the effects of drug use?"

"I'll rephrase, Your Honor." Turning again to JJ, "Agent Jareau, please describe any changes in Dr. Reid's behavior from the time he told you his drug use began."

"I didn't notice any changes." It was true. She hadn't really been paying attention to him at the time. And then she'd met Will….

Donner tried a different tack. "Can you tell us about the time he missed the plane in New Orleans?

"Well, he said he hadn't gotten the messages. That's all I know about it."

Donner was getting irritated now. "Was it like Agent Reid to fail to respond to a phone message? To fail to show up for any aspect of his job?"

"No."

"Did you notice any other changes in Agent Reid's behavior? Anything that he hadn't done before?"

"Not really."

Donner realized he wasn't going to get anything from his witness with this line of questioning. Knowing he had an expert in drug-influenced behavior in the wings, he moved on.

"Agent Jareau, did Agent Reid indicate that he was in a drug rehab program?"

She wasn't sure if they were the same thing, but she responded, "He was going to a self-help group."

"And did he indicate that he'd been tempted to use drugs again more recently?"

For JJ, this was the crux of the matter, the thing about which she felt guilty. Reid  _had_  been tempted again, during the deception about Emily. If only she'd been completely honest with him…..

"He said he'd been tempted when he thought Emily was dead, but he didn't. He didn't do it. He went to a meeting instead." She knew she was supposed to answer 'yes' or 'no', but couldn't keep herself from explaining. She felt like she was defending Reid.

"Agent Jareau, can you be sure that Agent Reid didn't start using drugs again? Can you be sure it didn't influence his behavior in purposely risking the life of Ian Doyle?"

"He wasn't! He told me he hadn't used since a few months after the kidna…."

Donner cut her off again. "If you didn't notice the drug influence when he acknowledged he was using, Agent Jareau, how can you be so sure he wasn't?"

JJ realized he was trying to back her into a corner. She could only hope the jury would believe her. And Reid. "Because he told me he wasn't."

Donner gave the jury his best facial expression of incredulity. "So, he wasn't using drugs at the time Ian Doyle was killed 'because he said so'." Doyle used finger quotes to emphasize his disbelief. "Is that your answer, Agent Jareau?" His voice dripping with sarcasm.

JJ did her best not to look defensive, but feared she was failing. "Yes, it is."

"Thank you, Agent Jareau, for that most enlightening testimony."

Judge Ford intervened, saving Katie the trouble. "Mr. Donner."

"Sorry, Your Honor." He purposely didn't say what he was sorry for. Better to let the jury try to figure that out.

Judge Ford turned to the defense table. "Ms. Kelly?"

"Thank you, Your Honor. Agent Jareau, you were starting to say how it came about that Dr. Reid was first subjected to Dilaudid, but you were interrupted." Katie looked meaningfully at the prosecution table. "Please tell us what you know."

This was hard for JJ, even though she was dealing with a sympathetic attorney. Reid had dismissed her of the guilt she carried about it, but she hadn't let go of it herself.

"It was a case. We were on a case. There was an unsub who was killing people, and Reid and I were sent to interview a witness. Except it turned out the witness was the unsub."

"Excuse me, Agent Jareau. 'Unsub'? What does the word mean?"

JJ explained that an 'unsub' was an 'unknown subject' until identified. "We separated to try to find him, and the unsub was able to surprise Reid and subdue him. The unsub kidnapped him."

She'd stopped speaking, overcome by the memory. Reid had to purposely still himself. His instinct was to comfort her, yet again.

Katie was gentle. "Agent Jareau?"

JJ made herself focus. "He was taken captive. Eventually, the unsub sent us a closed circuit image of him. He was beaten…and tortured…..and drugged."

The sentence was stretched out, as JJ fought for, and won, control. The jury was spellbound.

Katie did her best to look horrified before the panel. "He was drugged? The perpetrator injected him?"

JJ's voice was starting to break. "Yes."

"He'd never used drugs before?"

"No."

"What else did you see, Agent Jareau?" Katie could see that the jury's attention was riveted on JJ.

"The unsub had DID….dissociative identity disorder…..and apparently had three personalities. One of them was beating him, one of them giving him drugs to ease the pain. And a third one…." She had to stop, to collect herself.

Katie gave her a moment. "The third one, Agent Jareau?"

"The third one was killing people, as an angel of vengeance."

Almost as one, the jury members leaned forward.

"He was watching potential victims through computer cameras." The media in the room watched as the jury collectively winced. Each of them had a computer, with a camera…..

"He tried to make Spence…..Reid…..pick one to die." Now, JJ's voice did break, remembering how devastating this had been to Reid. "He wouldn't. He would only pick someone to live."

Katie glanced at the jury. She could tell that they didn't know how to process this piece of information. The defendant only picked one?

"Agent Jareau, to be clear, was he given a choice?"

"He was ordered to pick one to die, or they would all die. Instead, he picked one to live."

Some of the jury members got that, others didn't.

"Are you saying the perpetrator killed the others?"

"He killed one couple. And he made Reid watch it."

Katie noted the jury's horrified looks.

"Did you see anything else, Agent Jareau?"

"Yes." Now JJ couldn't keep her voice together at all. "He beat Reid. Repeatedly. And then Reid's heart stopped."

There was an audible gasp from someone in the gallery.

"And?"

"And the unsub…the good personality…revived him."

"And you witnessed this on the video?"

"Yes." Brokenly.

Katie put as much kindness into her voice as she could. "And then what, Agent Jareau?"

"And then he tried to make Reid pick one of us to be killed, but he….Reid, I mean…used it to give us a clue where he was, and…"

"He gave you a clue? The man who was captive, and beaten, and had just been revived from the dead?" Katie kept her peripheral vision on the jury.

"Yes. Reid's pretty amazing that way. And Hotch….Agent Hotchner….he understood the clue. And so we knew where to look for him."

The press in the room were writing furiously, the jury were wide-eyed. None of them had believed these kinds of things actually happened, before now.

"And you went there?"

JJ was nodding. "We went to the cabin, but he wasn't there. And then we looked for him in the woods, and…" JJ was having trouble continuing.

"Agent Jareau, do you need a moment?" Katie was being genuinely solicitous. This would work well with the jury, but she was also concerned about JJ.

Who was shaking her head. The least she could do was to be strong for Spence. "We were in the woods. And we heard a gunshot. We thought…"she was struggling. "We thought he'd been killed. But he hadn't. He'd shot the unsub. But we could see…." JJ broke down.

Katie made a point of being gentle, and of letting the jury see it. "You could see….?"

"He'd been digging his own grave…." For all her attempts at control, the last word came out with a sob.

Now several members of the jury gasped.

Katie waited several beats before continuing. "Just so we're clear on this, Agent Jareau. Agent Reid had never used drugs before this experience in which he was held captive. He was first injected with the drug, Dilaudid, by his captor." She paused to make sure the jury had absorbed the information. "Is that correct?"

JJ was nodding, but then remembered she needed to provide a verbal answer. "Yes."

"And it was afterwards that he developed his dependence on the drug?"

"Yes." Meekly.

"Agent Jareau, did Agent Reid discuss with you how he stopped using Dilaudid?"

This was also hard for JJ, because she hadn't realized that Reid had done it without any help from his teammates.

"Yes. He said he'd stopped after New Orleans. After he'd almost not helped the investigation." JJ was upset, but still aware enough to emphasize the 'almost'.

"And do you have reason to believe he's maintained his sobriety?"

"I know that he received a one year medallion from his self-help group. I saw it."

"Nothing further, Your Honor."

Donner was out of his seat. "Redirect, Your Honor."

"Agent Jareau, did Agent Reid show you a five year medallion?"

"Five years? No, he was giving…."

He cut her off yet again. "He didn't show you a five year medallion? Could that be because he didn't maintain his sobriety?"

"No! I only saw the one year medallion because he was showing it to someone else. He might have had the five year medallion, but it was too soon for the other person."

Too late, Donner realized his error. He'd given his witness an opening. And he didn't have a way to close it. Except….."No further questions, Your Honor."

Judge Ford looked at the defense table. Katie didn't wait for him to call on her.

"Too soon for whom, Agent Jareau?"

JJ paused a long time, looking from Katie, to Reid, to Hotch. If she answered, it could come back and cost her a career. But not answering could cost her so much more….

"For Section Chief Strauss. Section Chief Erin Strauss."


	25. Chapter 25

**Consequences**

**Chapter 25**

"For Section Chief Strauss. Section Chief Erin Strauss."

Hearing the words, Reid's eyes zeroed in on JJ's. He knew she had just literally put her career on the line for him.

Katie reacted for the benefit of the jury.

"Section Chief Strauss? What do you mean, Agent Jareau?"

"Reid gave Chief Strauss his one year medallion, to support her."

Katie feigned confusion. "Please explain the circumstances, Agent Jareau."

Donner rose. "Objection. Section Chief Strauss isn't on trial here, Your Honor."

Judge Ford wasn't sympathetic. "Sorry, Mr. Donner. You made an issue of the medallions. The jury is entitled to an explanation."

Katie turned back to JJ. "Agent Jareau?"

For what seemed a long time, JJ looked at the floor. Everyone in the courtroom could see that she was struggling with something. Finally, looking back up at Katie, she heaved a great sigh, and began.

"Agent Reid and I were called to meet with Chief Strauss. He had been to see her the day before, and left his medallion with her. During our meeting, she returned his medallion to him. She said she would earn her own."

Katie knew she wasn't entitled to this on cross, but decided to try anyway.

"Agent Jareau, did Section Chief Strauss admit her substance use to you and Agent Reid?"

Donner wasn't having it. "Objection, Your Honor. Relevance?"

Ford looked at Katie.

"Withdrawn, Your Honor." She could get at it during the defense presentation.

"Redirect, Mr. Donner?"

He hesitated a moment, but then rose. "Agent Jareau, you said that Agent Reid stopped using drugs after his failure in New Orleans." Again, he used the pejorative word to rile Katie into objecting, but she resisted the temptation. "It's very difficult to stop using narcotics. Did Agent Reid go into rehab?"

Donner knew that Reid had not.

"No."

"He stopped using narcotics without going into rehab? That's quite the remarkable achievement, isn't it, Agent Jareau? Isn't the withdrawal quite painful?"

Katie twitched, prepared to object, but restrained herself.

JJ knew he was trying to rile her, too. She said nothing. Donner went on. Even the jury knew they had been rhetorical questions.

"Agent Jareau, did Agent Reid tell you how he managed to stop using drugs without professional help?"

She knew the answer. Reid had told her. "He said he prayed."

"Prayed, Agent Jareau?"

"Yes." JJ's voice was starting to break again. She'd been devastated to learn that Reid had withdrawn on his own. "He said he prayed. Every day, sometimes even every hour."

Donner paced while he watched the jury. This could go either way, depending on their spiritual beliefs. Finally, he went with an ambiguous question.

"And you believed him?"

"Of course I did. I had no reason not to."

Donner tried another tack.

"Agent Jareau, did Agent Reid tell you how he obtained his illegal drugs?"

Katie and Hotch both tensed. It wasn't technically part of this case, but if JJ reported illegal activity on Reid's part, it could certainly develop into another case. And yet, she couldn't withhold without risking her own position. Reid understood the situation and tried to give JJ the subtlest of nods, to let her know he was okay with the truth.

JJ wasn't. But she'd promised to answer the questions honestly. With pain in her voice, she responded.

"He said he'd taken them from the unsub."

Donner hadn't actually known the answer, but he'd been encouraged from above to pursue this line of questioning, should the opportunity present itself.

"Excuse me, Agent Jareau? He took it from the unsub? Please explain."

JJ did her best not to let the hostility show in her face.

"When we found him in the woods, he went back to the body of the unsub, and he took the drugs from his pocket."

"Agent Reid stole drugs from a dead body to support his habit."

It was a statement, not a question. And an excellent stopping point. Donner was pleased with his work, and relinquished the witness.

Ford looked to Katie. "Re-cross?"

"Yes, Your Honor. Definitely."

"Agent Jareau, regarding Agent Reid's behavior at the scene where he was digging his own grave…." Katie could turn a phrase as well as Donner. "Can you describe his condition?"

JJ's struggle with her voice returned to her. This subject matter was extraordinarily painful.

"He'd been beaten, drugged. He'd been held for two days, with no food and very little to drink. He was dehydrated. He didn't have shoes, and his feet were torn up from being forced to walk through the woods. And he was freezing. It was a cold, cold night, and he had no coat.  " JJ saw an opportunity, and took it. "When we got him to the hospital, they said his core temperature was 93 degrees."

"So he was drugged, dehydrated, hypothermic, in pain....and terrified for his life. Had he not also just been revived with CPR?"

JJ could only nod, until she successfully fought back the tears. "Yes."

Katie noted, with satisfaction, the looks of horror and sympathy on some of the jurors' faces.

"Agent Jareau, has it been your experience that someone in such a state could make a rational decision?"

Katie knew there was no way JJ would be permitted to answer that question, but she'd made her point with the jury.

Donner knew it too. He went through the motions. "Objection, Your Honor. Witness is not an expert in this area."

Judge Ford completed the choreography, aware that he was simply playing a part as well. "Sustained."

Katie changed the subject again. "Agent Jareau, you said that Agent Reid went through withdrawal on his own. Did he tell you why he didn't seek professional help?"

"He knew it would jeopardize his career if it became public."

"And did he tell you why he didn't seek help from his colleagues?"

"It would have jeopardized our careers as well, if we had known and not reported it."

"Why is that, Agent Jareau? Doesn't the FBI support its workers in recovery?"

"The FBI  _does_  support recovery. But it also might prosecute, and dismiss, an agent who has used any illegal substances."

"Even if that agent became addicted in the line of duty?"

JJ was shaking her head. "I don't know. It was such an unusual circumstance….I don't know."

"Agent Jareau, did this issue come up in your conversation with Section Chief Strauss?"

She looked almost relieved. "Yes, it was a point she was making to Reid."

Katie saw confusion on the jurors' faces. "Please explain."

"Chief Strauss made a point of telling him that it was different when the dependence was on alcohol, because it's a legal substance. She told him that someone who had been using an illegal substance, or something obtained illegally, might lose his career, and even be prosecuted."

"Why did she say that, Agent Jareau?"

Donner raised his hand. "Objection, Your Honor. Witness can't know the motivation of another."

"Sustained."

"Let me rephrase that. Agent Jareau, what was your reaction to Section Chief Strauss' statement to Agent Reid?"

JJ had to swallow thickly. If she'd risked her career before, this might put a nail in the coffin. "To me, it felt like she was threatening him."

Katie rushed on before Donner could decide if he wanted to object again.

"Why would you think it was a threat, Agent Jareau?"

JJ took in and let out a deep breath. She didn't feel like she had anything left to lose _. I'm already in or out of the FBI._ She started her explanation.

"It was the context of the conversation."

"Please explain."

"Agent Reid had gone to see Chief Strauss the day before, to talk about something. In the process, he thought she might need the support of being reminded of the process of recovery. You know, that it was slow, one day at a time. That it required one to make changes and to make amends."

Katie knew they were almost there.

"What was it they needed to talk about?"

"They…..he…..I….." She was having trouble getting started, until she flashed a look at Reid, who squinted his encouragement at her. "I told him…Agent Reid…..about something, and he wanted to talk with Chief Strauss about it."

"What was it, Agent Jareau?"

JJ bid a silent goodbye to the FBI as she started to respond.

"I told him why I came back to the BAU.  _How_  I came back." Katie waited her out, and JJ continued. "I told him that I was only granted my request to come back to the BAU when the congressional committee sent me there to forward them information on how the team was functioning."

Katie could tell from the looks on their faces that the jury didn't understand.

"Are you saying that you were sent back to the BAU to spy on its members?"

Now the jury looked like it could relate.

"Yes. And I was to report to the committee through Chief Strauss."

"And why would that cause Agent Reid to go to meet with Chief Strauss?"

"I thought…and he thought too, when I told him…that it was probably Chief Strauss' idea."

Katie couldn't help but notice that Donner was looking very uncomfortable.

"Why would he think that?"

"Objection. How can the witness testify to what the defendant was thinking?"

"I'll rephrase, Your Honor. Agent Jareau, did Agent Reid tell you why he thought Chief Strauss was responsible for asking you to spy on your team?"

JJ looked uncomfortable now. "It was me."

"You? Please explain."

"I thought she had done it, because she'd tried it before, with another member of our team."

"Who was that, Agent?"

"She tried it with Emily Prentiss. Emily told me about it. And I told Reid about both of us."

Katie summarized for the sake of the jury. "So you felt coerced by Chief Strauss, and reported it to Agent Reid. He went to see Chief Strauss, to encourage her in her recovery….and she threatened him over a drug addiction imposed on him by a felon. Is that right, Agent Jareau?"

"That's what happened."

Katie felt like she'd adequately mitigated the damage Donner had done. "Thank you, Agent. No further questions."

"Mr. Donner?"

"Thank you, Your Honor." The prosecutor practically leapt out of his seat.

"Agent Jareau, you would have us believe that one of your superiors is "spying" (using finger quotes) on your team and then threatening members of that team. What possible reason could she have for doing so?"

In truth, JJ had suspicions, but no facts. "I don't know. She's always seemed…"

He cut her off. "You don't know. And yet you believed it and, by your own testimony, convinced one of your colleagues, the defendant, of it, causing him to confront his superior. Agent Jareau, it doesn't appear that Chief Strauss is the person causing division within the BAU, does it? It seems to be you."

JJ was flustered. Of the many things she'd imagined could come up at trial, she'd never imagined that she would be accused of being the cause of anything.

"I…..I….."

Katie could see JJ's distress and stood up, mostly to create a distraction and give JJ a moment to collect herself.

"Objection. Was there a question in there, or is Mr. Donner harassing the witness?"

Donner indicated that he would rephrase. "Agent Jareau, wasn't it actually _you_  creating the strife and suspicion within the BAU?"

JJ's gaze was drawn toward the defense table, where she could see that Reid was getting angry with Donner. She watched as Hotch put a hand on Reid's arm to remind him to mask his reaction.

"Me? No. No, I didn't tell anyone at all for a long time. I just kept a distance between us."

"Distance?"

"Yes. Spence….Agent Reid….and I have always been close. I was afraid he would pick up on my situation, and try to stop me. So I kept my distance."

Donner paced in front of the jury box, making certain that they could see the look of incredulity on his face.

"Agent Jareau, I will have to admit to you that I'm confused. You say you were forced to spy on the members of your team, yet you purposely kept that fact hidden from them. Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you want them to stop you? Were you being threatened in some way? Were you being threatened with personal harm?"

"No, but…"

Donner cut her off. "No…you weren't threatened, yet you couldn't tell anyone, and you felt forced to "spy" (using finger quotes again) on your colleagues." He turned back to look directly at JJ. "Agent Jareau, have you ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist or a psychologist?"

Reid actually pushed back his chair, but he remained seated, mostly because Hotch had an iron grip on his arm. Katie's leg was tapping furiously. She wanted desperately to object, but there were no grounds.

JJ's brows had gone up. "A psychiatrist? No! I've never been to any kind of mental health provider."

Happy with the reaction he was getting from the defense, and keeping an eye on the jury as well, Donner decided to push things further. "Agent Jareau, have you ever been  _referred_  for a mental health evaluation, regardless of whether you went?"

"No, Mr. Donner, I have not." JJ was firm. He'd gotten her angry, and her anger was grounding her now. But the damage had been done.

Satisfied that he'd shaken up the defense, Donner relinquished the witness.

Katie approached JJ. "Agent Jareau, you said you weren't threatened, yet you agreed to spy for your superior and the congressional review committee. Why would you do that?" She knew it was exactly what the jury was wondering.

JJ was relieved to be able to explain herself. "It wasn't me who was threatened. It was Agent Reid."

Katie could tell from the look on Donner's face that this was news to him.

"Please explain, Agent."

"I was told that this might happen…" JJ had used her hands to indicate the courtroom scene…"that this prosecution might take place."

"Are you saying that you were told Agent Reid would be prosecuted if you didn't cooperate, but that he wouldn't be prosecuted if you did?" Katie hoped she could feel the case turning with JJ's response.

"It wasn't said explicitly. I was told that the committee felt it had enough to prosecute him."

Hotch's study of the jury intensified. JJ's statement could influence them either way. Those who placed ultimate trust in authority figures would assume it was true, that there was enough evidence against Reid. Those who did not, might find the statement to indicate a type of behavior control.

Katie realized it as well, but had no choice but to complete her line of questioning.

"And yet, you kept this from him? Why, Agent Jareau? Wouldn't he have gone along with the plan, to avoid the prosecution?"

The jury watched as JJ smiled to herself, shaking her head as she did so.

"No, you don't know Spence. He would never let anything happen to anyone just for the purpose of protecting himself. It's why he went to see Chief Strauss when I finally told him. To make her stop. Even if she would prosecute him. In fact, he told her to do it."

There was a murmur running through the gallery after that statement, causing Judge Ford to raise his gavel to achieve quiet in his courtroom.

Katie continued. "He told her to prosecute him? When was this, Agent Jareau?"

"It was months ago. Nothing happened after that, and we both thought it was over. And then, it happened. It seemed to come out of nowhere."

"What do you think made it happen when it did, Agent Jareau?"

Donner was up. "Objection, Your Honor. The witness can't know the answer to that question."

"Retracted, Your Honor. Agent Jareau, approximately when was Agent Reid arraigned on this charge?"

They hadn't prepared this, so Katie was praying that JJ would know what to say.

She did. "It was in September. About six weeks before Election Day."

Donner moved but then stopped himself. They had him. If he objected, he brought attention to the connection between the arraignment and the election. If he didn't, the statement would remain in the transcript. He would just have to hope the jury didn't realize its significance.

* * *

JJ was physically and emotionally drained as she left the witness stand. She flashed Reid a sad smile as she passed by the defense table and hurried out of the courtroom. There had been so many highs and lows in her testimony, and so much tugging back and forth between the prosecution and the defense, that she felt stretched out, nearly ready to snap. She knew only that she needed release.

Rossi was still there. It had been almost two hours, between the questioning, and the sidebars. But he'd waited for her. Seeing her tension, and knowing the media were in the hallway with him, he grabbed JJ's arm the moment the doors opened, and brought her down the hall to the defense's conference room. He had to flash his badge and glower a few times to fend off the press, but he was successful. Still, that didn't keep JJ from hearing their questions.

"Agent Jareau, is it true you were spying on members of your own team? Did they know? How do they feel about it? Will you ever be able to work with them again?"

"Agent Jareau, what was Agent Reid like when he was addicted? Was he violent? How can you be sure he is not using drugs now? "

"Agent Jareau, have you ever used drugs?"

"Agent Jareau, are you accusing your superior, Section Chief Erin Strauss of blackmail? Are you saying she is an alcoholic? That she uses drugs?"

"Agent Jareau, do you think you can ever work for the FBI again?"

Even with Rossi's protection, it felt like a bombardment. She began to realize exactly how Reid had felt that day on the courthouse steps. Why he'd been so devastated by it.

Finally, they reached the conference room. Rossi shut the door behind them and locked it.

JJ had gone to the window, her back to him. He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. "It's all right, Cara. Don't listen to them. I'm sure you did well in there." He hadn't been able to hear the testimony, but the press had been in and out of the courtroom, sending in their reports. He'd caught bits and pieces.

"I don't know, Rossi. Some of it…..but some of it….I just hope I didn't hurt him. Or me." The latter said in a quiet voice. "I just don't know."

Rossi squeezed her shoulders. "Well, it's over now. Nothing to be done about it. We'll hear from Hotch and Katie in a little bit. Donner's got an expert witness in drug-associated behavior, and then I think they're done for the day."

JJ was sarcastic. "If it's a prosecution 'expert witness', you know they're going to say that Spence was probably still using. They couldn't possibly understand the situation we were all in at the time. They'll just assume it was uninhibited vengeance."

Rossi agreed, but tried to look on the bright side. "But we have a very talented defense team in there. Katie's been poking so many holes that the case looks like Swiss cheese. She'll do the same with the expert."

He'd been hoping to see a smile from his young colleague, and was rewarded with a small one.

JJ had something to say to him. "Rossi…about Chief Strauss….about what I said….."

She could see the sadness come over him again. It did so every time Strauss' name was mentioned these days.

"You said only the truth, young JJ. You didn't make it happen. And you can't make it better."

She could tell that he was wishing  _he_  could.

* * *

Forty five minutes later, court was recessed. With the Christmas holiday coming right after the weekend, court would not convene again for another five days. Judge Ford wished all in attendance a nondescript 'Happy Holiday' and cautioned the jury once again not to look at or listen to media related to the case. He knew, from many years of experience, that it was unlikely most of them would be able to comply, but he would have to deal with any effects on the case later on.

The defense team navigated their way through the crush of media, hearing many of the same questions that had been launched at JJ. Hotch and Katie surrounded Reid and escorted him down the same hallway to their conference room. Rossi opened the door to Hotch's voice.

Reid was now far more concerned about JJ than he was about his own legal status. He crossed the room to her immediately and took her into his embrace, whispering into her ear.

"I'm proud of you. But I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Are you all right?"

He tried to release her, but she held him tight, her face buried into his shoulder. She'd gained her composure with Rossi, but felt like she was losing it again, finally able to let down in Reid's arms. But this wasn't the right place…..

Reid held her until he could feel her tension relax. He whispered again. "Okay?" And felt her nod in response.

Katie had been waiting for the reunion to end. She wanted to talk to JJ.

"You were awesome in there, JJ. I know it didn't always feel good, but you were honest, and sincere, and believable. Donner may have been able to twist a few things, but that's how it goes in a trial. Really, I don't think you could have done better."

JJ was grateful for the vote of confidence. "How did it go with the last witness?"

Katie snorted her distaste. "Exactly how you'd expect. Bunch of hooey without any facts to back him up."

JJ looked to Hotch for a more informative answer. "He said Reid's ideas and actions were consistent with drug-influenced behavior."

"And then Katie made him admit they were also consistent with non-drug-influenced behavior," added Reid.

"So, he was….neutralized?" JJ could only hope.

"It will depend on the jury member's predilections, I'm afraid. They'll hear what they want to hear about that, and believe what they want. It's what always happens with testimony relying on opinion, rather than fact." Katie was packing up her things as she spoke. "All right, guys, we won't be here again until the day after Christmas, but we'll be in touch. When we get a long break like this during a trial, we always have to be aware of what the media is up to, because they tend to 'create' stories when they don't have a new one at the end of each trial day. We may have to counteract some of it, so be aware. And we'll need to do some reminding of the jury about what testimony they've already heard. They have a tendency to forget when they get a long holiday break."

"How much longer do you think the case will go on, Katie?" Reid's weariness was evident in his voice. But so was his wariness. The case was trying his stamina, but the end of it might also be the end of his freedom.

"I think the prosecution is pretty much done. I wouldn't be surprised if he started in next week by 'resting' his case. And then we'll make the expected motion for JMOL."

All three of the other FBI agents looked to their unit chief for translation. "It means 'judgment as a matter of law'. Katie would basically be saying that the prosecution failed to make its case, so the charges should be dismissed. It's unlikely the judge would agree. Most want the case to go to the jury, so that it doesn't come back to haunt them on appeal. But it's routinely done."

Katie resumed. "Assuming Judge Ford does as Hotch expects, we'll put on our case. I think we've refuted enough of the prosecution case that we can limit our defense to character witnesses and to those who can testify that Reid was not using drugs at the time."

"Who could do that?" JJ wished there were someone, but couldn't think how anyone could  _know._

"Well, he wasn't undergoing drug testing, so there's no evidence for that exact period of time. But he did sustain some illness and injury that required narcotic treatment…and he did refuse those narcotics….correct, Reid? And those events happened long after you were in recovery?"

"Well, yes, I guess so. But I don't know that we can talk about it in court...at least not about one of them. Right, Hotch?"

He was thinking about the 'classified' anthrax incident.

"We're getting a legal opinion….as well as a Bureau opinion…about that. We may be able to withhold the nature of the illness, but still attest to the fact that you refused the necessary narcotics. At worst, if we can't use it, we'll still have your gunshot wound."

"Leave it to me to have a list of painful incidents to choose from."

It was classic Reid, and it made all three of his fellow agents smile.


	26. Chapter 26

**Consequences**

**Chapter 26**

Reid found himself at JJ's that evening. He had to consciously restrain himself from squeezing too hard as he greeted Henry with a hug. 

_This is better than any drug, or medicine, or therapist, could ever be._

He'd come 'home' to unconditional love, and he was immensely grateful for it.

"How's my little man?"

"I'm being good, Uncle Spence! Santa's coming in three more nights!"

Both Reid and JJ laughed. Reid turned to her to ask, "What do you do to get him to behave the rest of the year?"

She gave Reid her sternest look, causing him to cower in mock fear. "Oh, no, not that!"

"Yes, 'the look'. That, and 'time out' still seem to work."

Reid looked intimidated.

"Will I have to put him in 'time out' some day?"

Not at all sure he would be capable.

"If you want to hang around the Jareau household, you'll have to learn to follow the rules."

He made a show of thinking it over. "Okay. I'm an FBI agent, after all. I should be able to put a four year old into 'time out'."

They were teasing back and forth, but there was a subtext to their conversation that was layers deep. It presumed an ongoing, significant relationship. And it presumed that Reid would be free, and still working with the FBI. Neither subject was fodder for humor.

Putting the more serious issues aside, JJ and Reid retreated to the kitchen to prepare dinner together while Henry sat at the table and drew a few pictures to leave for Santa and Rudolph. It was an intimate scene, and one in which Reid had never thought he'd have a place. The sharp contrast with the events of the day in court, and the uncertainty of his future, left him feeling emotionally on edge. He held himself in check through dinner, while Henry and JJ told him about Henry's preschool Christmas pageant of a few days before. It seemed Rudolph's back end had become separated from his front end, and almost fallen off the stage, until Frosty saved the day. Later, Reid found tears coming to his eyes during Henry's prayers, as his godson included a special prayer that his Uncle Spence could come over  _every_  night, and play, and teach him magic.

But once the youngster was put to bed, and the adults settled into the living room, Reid reached for JJ and held her tight. He clung to her for a long time, holding her against him.

"Are you all right?"

"I just need to hold you, okay?" When only a few hours ago,  _he'd_ been comforting  _her_.

"Okay." Pause. "Spence, what is it? I mean, besides the obvious. There's something else, isn't there?"

He released her, and they settled themselves on the sofa, his arm around her, and her head on his chest. He had trouble finding the right words. Hesitatingly, he tried to explain.

"It's just….it's just that it's so precious….it's  _all_  so precious…..being with you, being with Henry. Like we're a  _family_." He didn't have to remind her that he'd never really had one. He went on. "And it's all so precarious…we could lose it. All it will take is for the jury to decide against me, and it will be gone, in an instant. It sounds crazy, but I want it with everything that's in me, at the same time that I _don't_ want it, because it would be too painful to lose it."

JJ was quiet for a long moment, staring at the lights on the tree. Then she got up and went to the mantle, where she had a display of Christmas cards. She looked through them and then plucked one off and brought it back to Reid.

"Take a look at this."

He didn't know what to make of what she was asking, but he complied.

JJ explained. "It's from the Curcio family. Do you remember them? It was a case, right around this time of year, shortly after we both became part of the BAU. Their six year old daughter had been killed, along with two other children from their neighborhood."

He remembered. With his eidetic memory, there was very little he  _didn't_  remember. "We found her body in the basement of a neighbor three blocks away. They were devastated."

She nodded. "They were. I was our liaison then, and I spent a lot of time with them. They kind of bonded with me…quite a few families have, I guess….but they, more than most. They sent me a Christmas card that year. Can you imagine? They lose their daughter just a few weeks before Christmas, and they send me a Christmas card. But it was really a 'thank you' card. They wanted to thank us for the work we did, for bringing her 'home' to them, even though they'd lost her. And they continue to send me a card, every year."

"How did they even go on, JJ? How do any of the families we deal with go on? And especially when they've lost a child?" As much as he feared losing his relationship with JJ, the potential loss of Henry was unthinkable. Three years away from Henry would be almost half the boy's lifetime.

She took a deep breath. "I don't know, Spence. I wanted to understand, so I asked them one time. What they told me is something that keeps me going when I get so discouraged. Which happens often...our job is so hard. It's why it was so important that we try to save Declan, why it's worth even what we're going through now. And why it's crucial that we try to prevent other families from having to go through it."

In a quiet voice, he urged her on. He needed to know. "Tell me, JJ."

"They told me that, partly, they go on because they have no choice. But they also go on because they  _do_ have a choice."

She saw the look on his face, and smiled. "I know, I didn't get it either. But then I started to understand. They can choose to focus on the loss, and let all of their lives come to a standstill. Or they can choose to live life more fully, in honor of the one they've lost. To remember that  _life_ is what is precious, and only when it's lived as fully as possible. And realizing that's the reason it hurts so much when it's lost. If it wasn't important, if it was easy to give up while you're still living…well, it wasn't of much value then, was it?"

"But _how_ do they go on? I mean, isn't there just a huge hole?"

She nodded. "Mr. Curcio was explicit about that. He said there was a hole in his family that virtually tore their fabric apart. That they would never be the same again, as individuals or as a family. And he said that, while that hole might be repaired, it would always look like what it was…a torn fabric, pieced together. It would never look whole again. But he also said it was like scar tissue, after a wound has been stitched together. Thick, dense, both making it hard for joy and sadness to penetrate in to them, and hard for them to reach out, to connect with the world. But, like scar tissue, it would also provide a structure, an artificial strong point, something they could hold on to when they needed it."

"Weak and strong at the same time. A paradox." Reid was thinking about how the metaphor applied in his own situation.

"A paradox. So, he said, his family….his remaining family….is strongly bonded. There is always a sensation of hurt around their missing member, and how she died…..but they've become a stronger family unit because of it. And they still consider her to be a member…an absent member…of that unit."

He thought for a long time. "So this….what we're going through….I feel bad even comparing it to their situation. I mean, it's tough, but it's not for a lifetime. At worst it's three years, and the loss of a job, maybe a reputation. But I can see it, the similarity. I mean, the loss of who I was, or thought I was. The wound of losing that, and you, and Henry, for whatever amount of time. And I can also see the scar tissue forming. The places where it can't hurt us anymore. And the way we feel so strong when we're together, you and Henry and I. I can see it."

She was glad. She took his hand and kissed it. "That's the point, Spence. You risk the hurt, because not risking it causes you to lose the life you're leading. And if the hurt comes, you hold fast through it. Pain is a long, dark tunnel. But it has an end. And there's daylight there. The Curcios got to the daylight. So will we."

For the umpteenth time, Reid was glad he'd fallen in love with a very wise woman. He trusted her wisdom, and gave silent thanks for it, and for her, and her son, and the life they all shared together, for however long they were given to share it.

* * *

 

This chapter was originally written in December, 2012, in honor of the children and families who suffered unspeakable tragedy a few miles down the road.  


	27. Chapter 27

**Consequences**

**Chapter 27**

It seemed like a good idea at the time. With Will having Henry for the day, JJ thought it would be a perfect opportunity for Reid to get out and try to forget about the trial for a bit. She picked him up at eleven, with a plan to go to brunch at a local café, and then take in some of the Christmas decorations in the capital city later in the day.

As they sat down at a table by the window, JJ finally got a good frontal view of Reid. "You still look tired, Spence. Didn't you get any sleep last night?" She'd been hoping that knowing he wouldn't have to be in the courtroom today might have helped.

He sighed. "Maybe tonight. I was still pretty wound up from yesterday. Donner was beating up on you, and all I could do was sit and watch." He was getting angry all over again.

She loved him for that, but wanted to reassure him. "It's all right, I'm a big girl. It was a little rough for a while, but it's over now. Try to forget about it, okay? I know I will."

He looked at her for a long time, a small smile on his face.

"What are you thinking?" She was smiling back at him.

He reached across the table and took her hand. "I'm thinking that I've fallen in love with a woman who's a whole lot tougher than I am."

She shook her head. "I don't think so, Spence. First of all, I got through it because I had you there, looking your encouragement at me. But I also think you're tougher than you give yourself credit for."

She leaned across the table, pulling him in to meet her. What she had to say shouldn't be overheard.

"Do you know when I think I fell in love with you? I mean, I've always  _loved_  you. But I think I  _fell_  in love with you when I saw how fierce you were in fighting for Declan. In fighting for the life of a child. And then, in standing up to the committee. You knew the risk of it, but you did it anyway, for the sake of the rest of us. Most guys get all 'macho' to make a show of it. You did it to save us. And to save a child. Without a thought for yourself."

He'd been restraining a full-out smile. "Did you really just call me 'macho'?"

She had to laugh with him. "Well, you know what I mean. When it was important to stand up, you did. And none of it was about you. Mostly, it was about a child. How could I not love you for that?"

He looked out the window, then turned back to her. "As you and the team are well aware, I never had much exposure to kids. I was always thrown in with an older crowd. And kids didn't exactly take to me."

They both had to smile at that.

"But the day you put Henry into my hands, and asked me to be his godfather…well, that pretty much changed my world. I think  _I_  fell in love that day…..with him. Kids have been important to me ever since. Henry, the kids I play chess with, the kids we've met on cases….and Declan."

"Whom you'd never even met."

"I didn't need to meet him to know he was important, JJ."

She squeezed the hand she held. "I know that. And thank you for what you just said about Henry. As I think about it,  _that_  might have been when I started falling in love with you. The look on your face as you held him….even the  _way_  you held him….they were precious to me."

"As he is to me. And his mother."

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of their food. While she'd taken their order, the waitress had been staring openly at Reid. They'd been too wrapped up in each other to notice her whispering with her colleagues. Now, as she set the plates on the table, she spoke to him.

"I knew your face was familiar, but I couldn't place it. But my friend says you're that guy who's on trial…the FBI guy. The one who got that prisoner killed. She says she saw you on 'Helen Faith'. Are you? Are you him?"

JJ noticed several surrounding tables of patrons turn when they overheard the waitress' remark. Some began openly staring at them.

Reid had frozen, but recovered himself enough to say, "Thanks for bringing the food."

The waitress didn't look like she was going anywhere until she got an answer, so JJ intervened.

"We're kind of in a hurry this morning. Would you mind bringing the check now, please?"

Whether from the words, or from the tone of JJ's voice, the waitress realized she was being dismissed, and left. The other patrons continued to stare.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I should have realized…"

"Nothing to be sorry about, JJ." He swallowed. "You just called me a 'tough guy'. Let's see if I'm tough enough to eat breakfast."

They shared a bittersweet smile at that. Both tried to eat, but the food tasted like cardboard. They gave up and, leaving cash on the table, hurried out of the café.

After they'd retreated to the safety of their vehicle, JJ turned to Reid. "This won't last forever. Some other story will rise to the top and they'll forget all about you. We just have to get through 'now'."

He kissed her hand. "I know. And I can't wait." Pause. "I guess I should be grateful that they're more focused on me than on my mom." With an undisguised bitterness in his tone, he added, "I guess I should be grateful to my dad for  _somethin_ g."

JJ had many things to say to that, but knew enough to keep them to herself for the moment. Instead, she asked, "Do you still want to see the Christmas displays? Maybe if we're in a crowd, and no one is really looking at us….?"

He didn't really want to chance it, but knew how badly she wanted to give him a good day, so he agreed. Maybe if people were looking at the displays, they wouldn't be looking at him.

They started near the Capitol, wandering through the Botanic Garden. Several of the displays there were miniature representations of the National Mall and the many memorials it holds. After that, they set out for the real thing. Both of them were moved by the simple beauty and deep sentiment attached to some of the personal mementos left at the sites of several of the memorials of wars fought for freedom and for civil rights.

"As beautiful as the official decorating is, Spence, I don't think there's anything more touching than these, that come from the heart." They were holding hands as they walked along. Now Reid put his arm around her to lessen the distance.

"When I think about all these people who have given their lives….and the families who had to go on without them…..well, it makes my circumstance seem like a pretty small problem. Thank you for this, JJ. I needed it. It's good to put things into perspective."

She hadn't been thinking about that when she suggested their outing, but was glad if she'd helped him. They spent the remainder of the afternoon wandering the Mall, sharing hot chocolate, ducking into a museum whenever they got cold. As darkness approached, they headed back to the car, parked at the Capitol. The Christmas Tree on the Capitol lawn was huge, and fully lit, making an impressive sight against the backdrop of the building. There was just enough light left for them to get a photo of themselves together in front of it. Reid's long arms helped with that. He texted the photo to JJ, so they could each have the remembrance of it. Then they stood, hand in hand, looking at the sight.

"Absolutely beautiful," breathed JJ.

"Yes, you are."

She turned to protest. That hadn't been what she meant. But it  _was_  what  _he_  meant. Reid took her in his arms and kissed her. The few people who wandered by them didn't notice the FBI agent on trial for the death of his prisoner. They saw only a man, in love with a woman, and a woman, in love with a man.

* * *

They would see each other tomorrow afternoon, at a small holiday gathering Emily was hosting for the team. It was something they'd done once or twice in the past, but it was by no means a tradition. This time, it had been impromptu. Emily called to invite everyone last night, and by some quirk, they were all able to attend.

JJ was dropping Reid off without coming inside. Will would be getting home with Henry very shortly.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Spence. Please try to get some good sleep. Don't watch the news, and especially don't watch  _her_."

He was still under orders from Katie not to look at any of the media coverage of his trial. He'd violated those orders only once, accidentally, last night, and then vowed never to do so again. Without intending it, he'd caught a promotional snippet of the Helen Faith show. It was focused on the question of whether someone extremely high functioning, perhaps someone with a genius IQ, could hide a continuing addiction from those around him. She'd brought in an expert who insisted that it was possible. In that brief moment, Reid realized that the media influence on his trial might be able to completely counteract the actual testimony being given in court. Even if his colleagues should attest to his character next week, the media….or at least this nationally broadcast media outlet….would simply say that he'd fooled his closest associates.

He'd told JJ about it today, but it wasn't news to her. Garcia was maintaining her vigil on all forms of media and had included JJ in her alert to the defense team. JJ had already spoken with Hotch about it. He and Katie conferred, but didn't think it would benefit the defense to publicly address the innuendo. Rather, it might draw more attention to it, and place more importance on the so-called expert than he deserved. Katie worried that rebutting an innuendo would simply create a news story that would then be even more widely broadcast. Recognizing it as a lose/lose situation, she felt it best that the defense simply ignore it completely.

Reid understood, and even agreed. But he was discouraged by the turn of events. What had felt like a minor victory with JJ's testimony had now become something that could either help or hurt him. As good as their day together had been, JJ could see the thought tugging at him.

"Spence, we have a reprieve from all the negativity for a few days. Let's take advantage of it, okay?"

He didn't want to disappoint her. And she was, after all, right. The day  _had_  lifted his spirits a little, and he'd gained some perspective. He knew he needed to focus on the positive, and he recognized it as a conscious choice. And so. he made that choice.

"You're right. And I will, I promise. After all, what else do I need? I'm in love with the most beautiful girl in the world." He was gratified at the radiant smile that came back to him. "And she's in love with me?" He did his best to look pathetically hopeful as he posed the question.

It made her laugh. "Well, I don't know about the most beautiful girl in the world, but I know _I'm_  in love with you."

"Pshaw! What do you know about beauty? It's in the eye of the beholder, and this beholder thinks you're beautiful."

She didn't have a comeback. She just leaned over and kissed him. They'd both meant it to be short, and sweet. But it ended up taking a while…..

* * *

Sunday afternoon found Reid at Emily's apartment, gathered with his friends from the BAU. Apart from JJ and Hotch, they'd seen him very little since the trial started, but it hadn't seemed so. Each of them was so mindful of him, and his trial, and they'd been getting daily updates on the events in the courtroom…so they didn't feel the physical distance that had been between them. Nonetheless, there was much embracing and expression of concern and support when the team finally came all together. Reid felt a warmth, and a fullness, that he'd been missing.

"I'm okay, guys. I appreciate your support. And I think I'm gonna appreciate it even more next week." Reid made a small joke, and got a small chuckle in return. He was referring to their testifying as character witnesses as soon as the defense case began.

"You know you've got it, Pretty Boy. I can't wait to have a go at Donner."

Reid's eyes flew wide as he turned to Hotch. "Morgan, we're not going after anybody in the courtroom. You'll be called simply to support Reid."

Morgan conceded. "I know, Hotch. It's just that it would be so much fun….much more than I've had punching his face in the gym all week."

They all had a laugh at that. But Hotch felt a need to make a point. "Listen, people, I think you should know this. Jim Donner is actually a good man…a family man, with a bunch of kids. He's just doing his job, and feeding his family. Unfortunately for us, he's pretty good at his job."

Morgan wasn't having it. "Hotch, family man or not, he's going after a member of  _my_ family. And that's not okay with me."

Reid sent a grateful look Morgan's way. "Thanks, Morgan. I appreciate the sentiment. Really. But having gotten a taste of what it's like to be a target, I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Let's listen to Hotch. We don't have to go after anyone to make our case." Pause. "I hope."

Emily interrupted the conversation, coming from the dining room where she, JJ and Garcia had been setting up the food. "Dinner is served, guys. Let's go in." She hooked her arm through Reid's and escorted him in, making a point of seating him next to JJ.

"You guys all know I don't really cook. But DC is a great place to get a virtual United Nations of Christmas specialty dishes catered. So dig in!"

The team members passed dishes and bowls, and made a guessing game of the countries of origin, and the ingredients, of the various dishes. Once they'd all filled their plates, Rossi called them to order. He might not be the unit chief, but he carried seniority in life experience.

"Before we start eating, I think a few words are in order." He waited until he had everyone's attention.

"We are gathered together in the home of our colleague, Emily. Thank you, Emily for your hospitality at this holiday time. For me, it's the Christmas holiday. It commemorates that time when Light entered a dark, dark world. And it reminds me that the Light can penetrate into any human darkness thrown at it. So, at this time when one of us is struggling through the darkness, I give thanks for the Light that I know will lead him out of it."

None of them could see that Reid and JJ had grasped each other's hands as Rossi spoke.

"And I give thanks for the friends and, yes,  _family_ , gathered around this table. To all of us, and to the Light." He lifted his wine glass and turned his grace into a toast. "Here, here," came from the others.

They enjoyed their feast, and their fellowship, right through the potluck dessert course. Finally, gathered around Emily's tree, they exchanged their gifts. In response to Reid's begging, JJ and Garcia had found gifts for him to give to each of his colleagues. He simply couldn't focus enough to shop, he'd told them. So they'd gotten a combination of books and favorite foods for each of his colleagues, in his name. Nothing any of them exchanged was expensive, and nothing elaborate. All of them were amused to find that they'd each gotten Reid a Christmas tie, managing to find six different designs, playing six different Christmas songs.

"And  _this,_  is why we're such a great team," declared Garcia. They all shared a laugh at that.

It was getting near time to break up the party, but Morgan had something to say. He knew, from prior conversations, that he was speaking for all of them.

"Hey, Kid. Before we go, we want you to know something."

It felt like the mood had suddenly gotten serious, making Reid sit up attentively. JJ reached a hand out to him….which made him a little nervous. She was obviously offering support about something. What was up?

Morgan was about to answer that question for him.

"Kid, now that it's out in the open…..we want you to know how sorry we are. For the drug….the Dilaudid….and the rehab….and that we couldn't be…. _weren't_ there for you. We should have been. We shouldn't have been protecting anything, let alone our careers. We should have been there for you…. _with_  you….when you were going through withdrawal. And we're sorry we weren't. We just wanted you to know that." There were murmurings of assent coming from the others.

Reid was dumbstruck. He hadn't been thinking about their reactions to the admissions made in court. And he'd especially never thought they had anything to apologize for. And yet, here was his whole team, doing just that. It took him moments to find his voice. JJ gripped his hand tightly as he did so.

"Guys…..guys…..I appreciate it, but...the drugs were my doing, my fault. There was really nothing you could have done. And I wasn't about to risk anyone else being in trouble because of me."

Emily threw a ball of discarded wrapping paper at him. "Reid, he's just trying to say 'we love you' and we're sorry it happened to you. And we wish we could have helped you when you needed us. I think we all understand the decision you made about that, and probably we would each have made the same decision…to go it alone. But now it doesn't have to be the elephant in the room. Now we can acknowledge it…and you."

Garcia started talking even before Emily was finished. "And we can't believe how strong you were….well, yes, of course we can believe it, because you did it….but that you did it alone….oh, my Junior G Man, my gentle genius…..I wish I could have been there for you!"

Reid was shaking his head. "Guys, you couldn't have been. But I appreciate the thought. And I appreciate all you've done for me through….this….mess." JJ gripped his hand a little more tightly.

Rossi had been holding back in the conversation, but spoke up now. "I wasn't around for your abduction, Reid, nor for your battle with Dilaudid. But I can appreciate how hard it is for someone to break a habit that's offered the ability to cope, or to forget. I've been able to witness firsthand how life changing an addiction can be, and how difficult it can be to maintain sobriety. My young friend, I admire you more than I can express for the fact that you have won your battle, and for the strength it must have taken to accomplish it."

Reid knew exactly who, and what, had inspired Rossi. He could see that his good friend was hurting about it. And he knew what he needed to hear.

"The battle is never won, Rossi. It's just fought in smaller skirmishes, day by day. It takes patience and endurance. And someone who cares about you by your side." He squeezed JJ's hand under the table.

Rossi gave an almost invisible nod. He would accept the advice of his young colleague. Giving silent thanks this time, he resolved to stand strong with someone he'd once cared about very deeply.


	28. Chapter 28

**Consequences**

**Chapter 28**

By plan, Will would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with JJ and Henry. There was no discussion of including Reid in the plans. They knew it wouldn't be right to ask Will to share his holiday with them.

"I feel bad, Spence. I don't want to leave you alone for Christmas."

Reid had brought JJ home after the BAU holiday gathering. They were sitting together in front of the fire, having finally gotten an over-excited Henry down.

"JJ, you've already given me more of a Christmas than I've ever had before. The tree, the lights in the city…even Henry sharing his letter to Santa. It's all been very special to me. But don't worry about the day. I know it's hard for you to imagine, but for me, it's mostly just a day. I've never celebrated it before, and I can't really miss what I've never had."

She couldn't conceive of it. Christmas had always been so special in her family, even after her sister died. Without her sister, it had just been more poignant.

"But Spence, I hate to think of you being alone on the day. No one should be alone on Christmas."

JJ knew the rest of the team was dispersing to family and friends. Reid's arrest and trial meant that he wasn't permitted to travel to Las Vegas to be with his mother, nor could he volunteer to fill in for others on the call desk, as he had so often done. He was still on administrative leave from the FBI.

He'd been sitting with his arm around her, and now stretched the other around her as well, to pull her close. "I love you, you know. And I would love to spend Christmas with you and Henry. Maybe someday we  _will_ spend it together. But not this time. And it's okay…really, JJ, it's okay. I'm pretty good at being on my own, you know."

She wasn't convinced. It was one of the ways in which they were very different. She certainly needed her alone time, but she preferred the bustle of family and friends. Reid was very much the opposite, most comfortable with solitude. The discussion served as a reminder to JJ that they would have their own compromises to make.

"Well, I'll text you then. Just to say 'Merry Christmas'."

He smiled at her indulgently. "And I will look forward to it."

With that, Reid rose to leave, pulling JJ to the door with him. He slipped his coat on, and then held an imaginary mistletoe over her head. He may not have practiced other Christmas traditions, but he'd found the mistletoe to be uniquely attractive.

JJ got the message and played along, tiptoeing up to give him a very demure kiss on the lips. He took the opportunity to pull her into a full embrace, deepening the exchange….and leaving her breathless.

He looked satisfied with himself. "Well, it has to last me a few days!"

* * *

"Daddy!" Henry made a beeline for Will as his father came through the door. Will scooped him up into a hug.

"How's my little buddy?"

"I'm good, Daddy! I'm being  _very_  good. Santa's coming tonight!"

"He sure is, Buddy. And we're gonna be ready for him, aren't we?"

JJ stood in the doorway, watching the exchange and smiling. It was still difficult, being with Will so soon after the breakup, but they were gradually finding their way to a new relationship. She couldn't help but enjoy watching the interaction of father and son.

He walked over and gave her a peck on the cheek. "Thanks for this, JJ."

"It's the right thing to do, Will. For all of us."

Although he'd seen his father just two days prior, Henry had many things to tell him. The child had made some adjustments to his Christmas list, and wanted to show them to his father. Will looked helplessly at JJ.  _Now? He's made changes to his list now?_  She just smiled and shrugged. She knew what the changes were.

"We saw it on TV, Daddy. A bad man took somebody's Christmas presents…. _all_  of them. And their tree. And he made a mess in their house. So I asked Santa to bring all the presents back, and the tree."

Will breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been picturing himself joining the ranks of the unshopped, stalking the mall on Christmas Eve. Touched by his son's concern for others, Will put up his hand to share a 'high five' with him. "You're a good man, Henry LaMontagne."

Henry giggled. "I'm not a man, Daddy. I'm a little boy!"

"Oops, I forgot!" Will made a show of slapping his forehead, making Henry giggle more.  _A little boy with the heart of a man._

They spent the afternoon playing games together, Will and Henry taking an occasional break to wrestle on the floor. After a picnic supper in front of the tree, they watched a movie, and then put a sleepy Henry to bed. As excited as he was about Christmas, JJ knew he'd sleep soundly through the night. She and Will arranged presents under the tree and then sat together in front of the fire, both feeling the bittersweetness of their situation.

"This was nice, JJ. I'm glad we're giving him a Christmas together."

"Me too." She sighed. "I'm sorry, Will. About all of it. About not being able to make it work. About every bad thing I ever said to you. I'm sorry. I hope we'll be able to come together like this, for his sake, whenever he needs us."

Will picked up her hand. "We will, because we both love him. Even if we couldn't love each other."

She squeezed his hand to acknowledge the truth of what he'd said. "Will, thank you for what you did at the trial. You could have hurt Spence, but you didn't. And we're both grateful."

"I only told the truth, Cher."

"I know, but you could have made it sound bad. Donner wanted you to. But you didn't."

"I won't pretend I'm not jealous of Spencer, JJ. After all, he has my girl." He caught her quick sideways glance at that, and smiled to let her know he'd only  _sort of_  meant it. "But he was just doing his job, and doing it well. It just went wrong. We all take chances in our jobs, and it could go wrong for any one of us. I don't think we should be punishing people for circumstances beyond their control."

JJ stared silently into the fire. Will turned to her again.

"JJ, didn't Henry say he'd heard about that Christmas robbery on the news? Has he been watching it?"

Will knew they were trying to shield Henry from the media reports on Reid and the trial. There had been very frequent, and sometimes sensational, coverage of both on the news.

"He was changing channels to watch his cartoon the other afternoon, and the five o'clock news was on. He saw the Christmas tree on the video and watched it. Luckily, he called me into the room to tell me about the story, and I was able to change the station before the trial coverage came on." She stared back into the fire, shaking her head. "They've been so awful to Spence, Will. Even after it came out about what happened to him in Georgia. How can they do that?"

"They're sharks. They don't care what the bait is, as long as they get in on the feeding frenzy. And portraying a good man on trial for doing his job doesn't get them much attention."

Now Will turned to face JJ. "How are you, Cher? Your testimony was pretty hard, wasn't it?"

The trial wasn't being televised, but several speedy note-takers positioned inside the courtroom were providing daily transcripts to several news outlets. Will had been able to read all of what JJ had been asked, and said. The transcripts didn't convey the emotion behind the words, but Will had been able to imagine it.

"I'm okay. It was pretty challenging at the time, but Katie seems to think I didn't do much damage, and may have even helped him a bit."

"I'm sure you did, Cher." Will rose and kissed her hand as he got up. "I take it I've got the guest room?" She nodded. "Okay. Good night. Merry Christmas, JJ."

She stood and gave him a short kiss on the lips. "Merry Christmas, Will."

* * *

Reid was true to his word. He'd never minded solitude, and Christmas had always been just a date on the calendar for him. He did his best to keep his mind off the trial by burying himself in his books. To some extent, he was successful. But the lights of his Christmas tree kept distracting him. This reminder that there  _was_ something special about the date.

For what seemed like the hundredth time, he laid his book into his lap and looked at the tree. He wondered what JJ and Henry were doing, how they were spending their Christmas Eve with Will. Forcing a rising jealousy back down, Reid reminded himself of the situation they were all in. 

_It's the right thing to do. And I can see them after Christmas._

But a large part of him feared that his time with them after Christmas might be extremely limited. That his time with them for the next _three_   _years_  might be limited. Unacknowledged, he'd been carrying on an internal argument about whether it was right to ask JJ to wait for him if he was convicted. Ultimately, he knew she would promise it, and he knew he would refuse her. Three years was too long to ask her to be alone, and he didn't know what he would have to offer her after he was released. He would have lost any chance of working with the FBI or any form of law enforcement.

_Maybe it's good she's with Will now._ Reid tried very hard to get himself to believe that. But he failed. He wanted her. Wanted a life with her. Didn't want to think about her being with anyone else.  _I'm making myself crazy._  He desperately needed a distraction. His books weren't helping today.

As if an answered prayer, his phone rang. Forgetting Katie's admonishment not to answer any unidentified calls, Reid punched the response button.

"Hello?"

"Spencer Reid?"

Now he was wary. Could this be the media? Should he hang up?

"Yes?"

"This is 'John'."

Immediately he recognized the voice. "Oh, Sir, hello, Sir."

"Remember, Spencer. There are no 'sirs' where we met. It's just 'John'."

Reid cleared his voice. "Yes, Sir….I mean, John."

"Spencer, I've been keeping track of your trial. I'm sorry it's happening."

"Thank you, Sir….John."

"And I feel a little responsible. I know what you were trying to do with that token…and why."

"You shouldn't feel responsible, Sir." He gave up. 'John' would always be 'Sir' to him. "What you did for me helped me through a lot. The very case I was going to when you gave it to me…well, if I hadn't had the token, I think I might have given in."

That was met with a brief silence. John hadn't known that. "Then I'm glad, Spencer. But I'm still sorry that it's cost you so much."

"We're still fighting, Sir." Reid heard that comment met with a soft chuckle on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, I noticed. That Katie Kelly is something, isn't she?"

"Right now, she's the only thing between me and a prison cell."

"You're in good hands, there, son. I understand Aaron Hotchner selected her for you. He's got a good eye for a strong defense."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Spencer, I'm calling to invite you for Christmas."

_What?_  "Sir?"

"Not to my home…although you'd be welcome. But I know you're unable to travel to family, and I also know that you've volunteered at the call desk in the past…."

"How did…"

"I keep track of my agents, Spencer. Anyway, I know you can't do it this year, so I'd like to invite you to join me. There's something I've done every Christmas since I gained my sobriety. It helps me, and I think it will help you. Unless, of course, you've got other plans…"

"No, no other plans." Reid thought a moment. "All right, Sir. Where do I meet you?"

* * *

The living room was a chaotic mess of wrapping paper, empty boxes, toys and plastic ties. Henry was engrossed in building a tower with his new interlocking blocks, Will was piecing together the youngster's new bicycle, and JJ was busy in the kitchen.

"This was the best Christmas ever!" declared Henry.

Will was curious. "Do you remember last Christmas, Henry?" He'd just turned three for that one.

"Nope. Daddy, look at how high my tower is!"

"Pretty cool, Buddy. And you didn't even need me to help you."

Henry wasn't so sure that was a good thing. "But you can help me build a bigger one, Daddy."

"How about we build a fort together, Little Man?"

"Great!"

In the kitchen, JJ was actively resisting looking at her phone. She'd texted Reid a 'Merry Christmas!' earlier in the day, but gotten nothing back. She was worried that being alone on the holiday, or just ruminating on the trial, had gotten to him. 

_Please let me know you're okay._

* * *

Reid hadn't looked at his phone since early in the morning. His hands had been busy the entire day, with the activity just now winding down in the early evening.

He turned to the man next to him. "Thanks, John." Spending the day together had gotten him past the title, and allowed him to know the man. "Sir" had become "John".

"You're welcome, Spencer." John handed him another dish to dry. "I've always found this a great way to help. But the truth is, it helps me as much as it helps them. Every time I volunteer at the homeless shelter, I see the person I might have become, and I'm recommitted to my sobriety."

Reid had to swallow thickly. He hadn't admitted it to JJ. Hell, he hadn't even admitted it to himself. But he  _had_  been tempted. He'd held on, just barely, for the sake of the two people he loved most in the world. But it  _had_ been just barely. Acknowledging that now scared him.

"I've been tempted." It was the first time he'd said it aloud.

John looked at him as he handed Reid another dish. "I know." By way of explanation, he added, "Who wouldn't have been?"

"But I didn't even realize it. I mean, I might have just taken something without even thinking. It's what happened before."

Reid remembered those times he'd awakened, hung over, regretting what he hadn't even realized he was doing the night before.

The last dish washed, John dried his hands and turned to Reid.

"Son, that's why we're a family….all of us in recovery. We need to look out for each other, because sometimes we can't look out for ourselves. I read the testimony. You detoxed by yourself. That's almost unheard of. But you don't have to stay in recovery by yourself. You've got me, you've got a lot of us. Come back to meetings, Spencer. You'll see how much they help."

Reid nodded his agreement. "I met a few men today who went through detox and rehab nine times each. And you know what I thought?" It was a rhetorical question. Reid went on. "What I  _didn't_  think was, 'what losers'. Instead, I thought, 'what courage.' I mean, I remember how hard it was. I don't know if I could do it again. So if I relapsed, I'm not sure I would try again. But for these men to try, over and over and over again….even if they fail….what courage."

John smiled as he patted Reid's shoulder. "You get it. It's a battle. And only the most courageous survive. Make sure you're one of them. The FBI needs you, Spencer."

Reid was grateful for the vote of confidence….from John, and from the FBI. He committed himself to acknowledging his weakness, and his dependence. He would go to a meeting tonight.


	29. Chapter 29

**Consequences**

**Chapter 29**

Henry had actually fallen asleep, face down on the carpet, with a block in his hand.

"Completely played out," commented Will as he lifted the boy to bring him to bed. JJ joined him at Henry's bedside and the two parents stood together, watching their son in a sound sleep.

"Well, we got  _something_  right, didn't we, Cher?"

"That we did." JJ pulled the door partially closed as they crept out of the room.

JJ started picking up the living room as Will went for his coat. It was time for him to go. But when he turned around, he caught her casting a frustrated look at her cell phone, yet again. She'd been doing it all day. Will hesitated a moment, inclined to ignore it. Then thought,  _What the heck, it's Christmas._

"Go ahead."

JJ turned to him. "What?"

Will indicated the phone with a nod of his head. "Go ahead. I'll stay with Henry."

"Oh, Will I would never ask you….."

"You didn't. I offered. Merry Christmas."

She hesitated. It didn't seem right. But she was worried about Reid. Deciding, she said, "I just need to check on him, and I'll be right back, okay? He was going to be alone today, and he hasn't responded…"

"It's all right, JJ. Just go. I'll stay here until you get back."

"Thank you, Will. I promise, I'll only be gone a little while." She grabbed a small gift wrapped package as she went out the door.

* * *

Reid fell into his reading chair the moment he got home. He was tired, but the good kind of tired, the kind you felt when you'd been doing physical labor. His arms were sore from moving tables, and chairs, and heavy pots, all day. He hadn't been on his feet that much in a very long time. 

_Here I was, getting in shape, and a week in the courtroom has undone it completely._

If physical exhaustion was any indicator, he would sleep well tonight. But he also had a lot weighing on his mind. He'd been growing accustomed to the stress of the trial. But today, he'd had to admit openly, and more importantly, to himself, how near he was to relapsing. He'd followed John's advice and caught a meeting on his way home. In retrospect, it shouldn't have surprised him how many former addicts felt a need for the support of their peers on Christmas Day. The meeting had been SRO.

_Thank you, John. And thank You, God, for him._  He was feeling more in control already. And it was a good thing, because the trial started up again tomorrow. That thought prompted him to pull out his phone, to see if Katie had sent him anything. He saw only JJ's 'Merry Christmas' message, and smiled to himself. He'd just started texting her back when he heard the knock on the door. By now he was disciplined enough to check before he opened the door, wise to the ways of the media. He was surprised to see her outside.

"JJ, what are you doing here? It's Christmas!"

She gave him a brows-up look. "Yes, it's Christmas. And I didn't hear from you all day. I was worried, Spence."

He looked appropriately chastised. "Who's watching Henry?"

"Will."

"Will is watching Henry so you could come over here?" Reid was surprised.

"It's just for a little while. He could tell I was worried, so he volunteered."

Reid whistled at that revelation. "Sorry, JJ, I didn't mean to worry you. I was just so busy all day that I never checked my phone."

"Busy? With what?" The last she'd heard, he'd planned to spend the day alone.

Reid almost told her the whole story, but then realized he needed to keep some aspects confidential. "Somebody from the support group I used to go to called me. He invited me to help out at a homeless shelter, serving meals. So I did."

JJ took that in slowly. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it. "What made him decide to call you?"

Reid tried not to look like he was squirming. He couldn't tell her the identity of  _anyone_ in his support group, let alone that of someone who was their superior. Instead, he went for a tangential truth. "He knew about the trial from TV, and thought I could use some support. And he thought this would be a good thing to do."

JJ was studying Reid. There was something…

"And was he right? Do you need that kind of support?"

When Reid turned his eyes away, she knew immediately what the 'something' was. "Spence, have you been tempted?" Not able to bring herself to ask if he'd been using.

She hadn't even sat down yet. Reid came up behind her and took her coat. He indicated she should sit, and then joined her on the couch.

"Not consciously. I mean, I hadn't acknowledged it to myself. It's not like I was thinking of how to get something or what it would feel like to get high. But, talking with some of the men at the shelter….well, I recognized myself. Or who I could be, if I'm not careful."

He could see the look of worry deepening on her face.

"It creeps up on you, JJ. At least, that's what happened to me before. I would stress out…..you said you remember how the crime scenes were affecting me….and before I knew it, I'd taken something to help me zone out. Most of the time, I never even made a conscious decision to do it. I'd just realize it, after the fact. And hate myself. And vow never to do it again. And then wake up in a daze another day, and realize I'd done it again."

Her hand was at her chest, holding in the emotion. It was slowly dawning on JJ that she would have to learn a whole lot more about addiction, and addictive behaviors, if she was to be in a relationship with Reid. And briefly, and troublingly, it crossed her mind that such a relationship might not be a healthy choice for Henry.

"Spence, I don't understand. If you weren't aware you were doing it, how did you manage to stop?"

"I threw it all out. That was the only way. I woke up one day, and realized what I'd done. And that I'd done it again, and again, and again. So I threw it all out. I figured, if I had to go out and get more, then I would have to be aware I was doing it. It was the only way I could think of that would actually allow me a choice."

She sat with it a moment, then responded. "So now, do you have anything around? Anything in the house?" JJ looked horrified at the very fact of having asked the question.

Reid realized he'd frightened her. He reached for both of her hands, holding them tightly. "No, JJ, no. It's not like that. I don't have anything, and I'm not going to get anything. But only because I'm aware of it now. If I hadn't gone to the shelter today, and the meeting tonight…I can't be sure."

"You went to a meeting?"

He nodded. "It was packed. I guess Christmas is a stressful time for a lot of people."

JJ leaned back on the sofa, staring at the tree. She was silent for several minutes. This was a lot to absorb. Finally, she turned again to Reid.

"Why didn't you tell me? Were you trying to protect me? Because, Spence, if we can't be completely open with each other…"

He cut her off. "I didn't say anything because I didn't realize it myself, not until tonight. And I promise, I won't keep anything from you. I need you too much."

Her eyes scanned his face for what seemed like a very long time. "All right. But I think I need you to teach me a lot more about this. Will you?"

"I will. But, even better, there's a support group for family members. Maybe you could go to a meeting?"

She nodded. "I will. I want to understand everything, Spence."

He was squinting at her. "I haven't scared you away, have I?"

She could see he meant it. He looked scared himself. "Not on your life." She paused, realizing that she meant it. Regardless of everything, she wanted to be with Reid. She loved this man, in spite of his faults. Maybe because of them.

JJ tried to lighten the mood. "Okay, can we talk about something else?  _Anything_  else?"

He smiled again, reassured. "Sure. How was your Christmas? Was Henry excited?"

She told him about his godson, and how he'd collapsed at the end of the day. Reid laughed. "That's my little buddy!"

JJ got up and went to the chair where she'd left her coat, coming back with her small package.

"Oh, JJ. I didn't have a chance to shop…"

"Spence, relax. I know you didn't. This isn't really anything much, just a little gift at Christmas."

His eyes brightened as he went to the tree and pulled out his own small package. "Well, then, so is this."

She broke into a full smile. "You  _did_  get me something?"

"Well, sort of. Open it, you'll see."

She tore the paper and opened the small box inside. And then she laughed.

"What, you don't like it?"

"Open yours."

He did, and then he joined her in laughter.

"Great minds think alike," came out from both of them. They'd given each other framed prints of the photo they'd taken in front of the National Christmas tree. Each had their own memento of a happy couple, faces smiling and eyes shining in the December twilight.

"Thank you, Spence. Merry Christmas!"

"And to you, too. Merry Christmas!"

They didn't need invisible mistletoe for what came next.

* * *

December 26, it was back to business. Judge Ford welcomed the jurors back to the courtroom, acknowledging the long holiday break. He reminded them of their pledge to be impartial, and to make their ultimate decision based solely on what was presented to them in the courtroom. Anything they might have 'inadvertently' heard or read while on break should be erased from their minds. He was required to say it, but knew it would be virtually impossible for them to accomplish.

Ford then turned to the attorneys. "Mr. Donner, the prosecution may resume."

Donner rose ceremoniously. "The prosecution rests, Your Honor."

It was a common ploy among prosecutors, to abruptly rest their cases at the beginning of a court session. In theory, the move might force an unprepared defense team to have to start their case prematurely. In this instance, Katie was fully prepared for the move, and Donner knew she would be. But they both went through the motions, as part of the choreography of the trial.

The next move was also part of the choreography. At the announcement of the prosecution resting its case, Katie stood. "Motion for JMOL, Your Honor."

Katie was formally requesting that Judge Ford issue a 'judgment as a matter of law', which would essentially mean that the charges should be dismissed because the prosecution simply hadn't presented enough evidence to make its case. It was a motion expected on the part of a defense attorney, but it was extremely rarely granted. In fact, neither Katie nor Hotch had ever been part of a case where the motion had succeeded. This case was no exception. Most judges feared a JMOL would be overturned on appeal, and preferred to have their cases go to the jury, presuming the jury would get it right.

Judge Ford had anticipated the motion, and had already made his decision. "Denied, Ms. Kelly. We'll hear the defense case and let the jury decide if the prosecution has provided sufficient evidence."

Katie was prepared. "Thank you, Your Honor." She wanted to be sure the jury didn't see the ruling as a defeat, so she announced. "We anticipated your ruling, and we're ready to present our case. The defense calls Dr. Carl Barton."

Katie waited as her witness was sworn in.

"Dr. Barton, how are you acquainted with the defendant, Agent Reid?"

"Agent Reid was assigned to investigate the case when I was threatened by the father of a former patient."

"What role did Agent Reid play in the case, Dr. Barton?"

"He and Agent Prentiss were working to try to identify the person who had made threats against me and my son. When Agent Prentiss was called away, Agent Reid stayed with me. He was able to figure out who must be threatening me."

"And then what happened?"

"It was the father of a patient I hadn't been able to save. Someone who hadn't even come to my OR. But the father held it against me. While Agent Reid was still there, the father came to my home. He had a gun. Agent Reid threw me to the ground and covered me with his own body. He took the shot, and the bullet, that was meant for me."

Katie let the jury see how impressed she was with the bravery of her client.

"Agent Reid was shot? Protecting you?"

"Yes, he was shot in the leg. In the knee, to be precise."

"And did you tend to Agent Reid, Dr. Barton?"

"I did. It was a through and through injury. The bullet had gone in and right back out. I wasn't concerned for his life, because there wasn't much bleeding. But I knew from past experience that it would be a significant orthopedic injury."

"What do you mean by that, Dr. Barton?"

"I'm a trauma surgeon. I differ from some of my colleagues in that I like to get follow up on my patients. It's not enough to simply save a life. I like to know how they do in the long run. So, from past experience, I knew that the kind of injury Agent Reid had would require quite a bit of physical therapy."

"Did you follow up on Agent Reid, specifically, Dr. Barton?"

"Of course I did. He saved my life and, ultimately, the life of my son. I followed up on him in the hospital and throughout his rehabilitation. It was quite prolonged."

Katie made a show of being perplexed. "Longer than usual, Dr. Barton?"

"Much longer. I discussed it with my colleagues. It was because he was trying to rehab without pain meds. We strongly urge complete pain control, to keep the muscles relaxed and allow the physical therapy to work. Agent Reid refused narcotic pain meds. Consequently, his muscles remained in spasm, and his rehab took at least four months longer than usual. He was on crutches for most of that time."

"Would he also have been in pain, Dr. Barton?"

"Considerable pain."

"Did he tell you why he was refusing the narcotics, Dr. Barton?"

"He didn't. But I'd seen it before. I assumed it was because he was afraid of a relapse."

"Relapse, Dr. Barton?"

"Into addiction."

"Dr. Barton, as far as you know, did Agent Reid relapse? Did he use any narcotics?"

"If he had, he would have recovered much more quickly. No, Ms. Kelly, I don't think he used anything."

Donner would have objected, but he knew he'd have the witness in a moment.

Katie completed her work with Barton. "Thank you, Dr. Barton. No further questions."

Ford turned to the prosecution. "Mr. Donner?"

He was already up. "Dr. Barton, can you be certain that Agent Reid didn't use any narcotics at the time of his gunshot injury? Did you do tests to determine if he was using?"

"No. No, we don't routinely test…."

Donner spoke right over him. "And Dr. Barton, I don't believe you told us  _everything_ that happened when the defendant sustained his injury, did you? Please tell the jury what Agent Reid did after he was shot."

Barton tried to stare Donner down. He owed Reid so much. "He shot the man who shot him."

"He shot a suspect, in other words?" The implication was there in Donner's tone. This was consistent with Reid's callous disregard for the life of Ian Doyle.

"He shot the man because the man tried to shoot me."

Donner was ready for him. "Where did he shoot the suspect, Dr. Barton?"

Barton hesitated a second too long….long enough for the jury to pick up on it. "He shot him in the chest."

"Couldn't he have shot the suspect in an arm, or a leg? Wouldn't that have disabled him without risking his life?"

"The man survived his injury." Barton's tone was clear. He was angry with Donner.

"Because he had immediate attention from a trauma surgeon at the scene. You, Dr. Barton. Isn't that true?"

"I can't know what would have happened to him if I hadn't been there."

Katie was sympathetic with Barton, but wished he would change his tone. The jury couldn't help but pick up on his antagonism. It made it seem like there was something to hide.

Donner realized it too. It was an excellent place to leave the jury. He relinquished the witness.

"Re-direct, Ms. Kelly?"

"Yes, Your Honor, thank you. Dr. Barton, did Agent Reid do anything before he shot the suspect?"

Barton was relieved to be able to explain. "Yes. He asked him to put the gun down. He _begged_  him to put it down. Agent Reid told him he didn't want to shoot him."

"So why  _did_  he shoot the suspect, Dr. Barton?"

"He was trying to shoot me. He had a perfect shot at Agent Reid….he'd already been shot, and was lying on the ground in front of me…..but the suspect was trying to shoot  _me_. Agent Reid shot him to protect me."

Katie had gotten as much as she could from Dr. Barton. "No further questions, Your Honor."


	30. Chapter 30

**Consequences**

**Chapter 30**

They'd been refused permission to use Reid's experience with anthrax as part of the defense case. Had Dr. Barton not been able to testify to the same thing, Reid's refusal of narcotics, it might have been possible. But since there had been another, non-classified alternative, the government had felt free to deny them.

The other facts of the case were not in dispute, even if their interpretation was. And so, the defense was left to wrap up with its character witnesses.

"The defense calls Agent Derek Morgan."

It was the first time Morgan had been in the courtroom, since he'd not been a part of the prosecution's case. The others, all waiting outside, had tried to talk him down before he went in.

"Morgan, be cool in there. Remember, you want the jury to like you." Emily was remembering how he'd said he wanted to get at Donner.

"She's right, Derek. Remember, this is about Reid. He needs you to be calm. Don't get angry with the prosecutor, or the judge, or anybody." Garcia was straightening his tie as she spoke.

JJ didn't say anything. She just caught his eye and gave him a long, steady, look. He returned it, with a nod. 

_I_ _'ve got his back, don't worry._

Morgan glanced sideways at Reid and Hotch as he made his way to the witness chair. After he was sworn in, Katie reviewed his credentials for the jury.

"And how long have you known Agent Reid?"

"About seven years or so. Ever since he came to the BAU."

"And you've worked closely with him?"

"We're a small team. We work closely together with everyone, on every case."

"Fair enough. So, do you feel you know Agent Reid well?"

"As well as anybody, I guess."

"Agent Morgan, can you think of any times when Agent Reid has put anyone's life at risk?"

"Besides his own, you mean?"

Katie hadn't planned for that, but milked it with the jury. "Yes, any time he's put anyone  _else's_  life at risk. Besides his own."

"No. I can't."

Katie wanted to drive the point home. "But he  _has_  put himself at risk? To save a victim?"

Morgan gave a small laugh. "No, not a victim. He put himself at risk for the unsub."

Katie made sure the jury saw her raised brows. "He put his life at risk for the person accused of killing others?" Katie wasn't so sure the jury would remember what an 'unsub' was.

"Yes. One time I remember, there was a young kid who had been bullied. And he was killing the people who had bullied him. And the people who hadn't helped him."

Katie wasn't sure the jury would be on Reid's side with this. It might be touchy. So many explosive killers had claimed to be victims of bullying.

"How did he put himself at risk, Agent Morgan?"

"He wanted to reason with the kid. He knew the kid would go down shooting. Hell, we all did. But Reid put himself between our shots and the unsub, and talked him into putting his weapon down."

"How did he put himself, as you said, between your shots and the unsub?"

"He stood in the way. He made sure we couldn't hit the kid without hitting him. He kept looking over his shoulder and repositioning himself. It was obvious."

What she was about to ask now might put Reid in danger of disciplinary action from his superiors in the FBI. But she needed to drive the point home. And, she thought,  _better disciplinary action than incarceration._

"Agent Morgan, did Agent Reid give any indication that he might do this?"

"What, that he might try to save the kid?"

"Yes, that he might try to protect a suspect." Katie used her words to cement the similarity between Reid's attitude in this case and in the Doyle case.

"Well, he refused to go after him."

Katie mirrored the jury's confusion. "What do you mean, Agent Morgan?"

Morgan shifted in his seat. "We were at another site, and it became clear that the unsub would be looking for a shootout. That he would be trying to commit 'suicide by cop'. And Reid refused to participate in it. I heard him tell our unit chief. "He's going to make us shoot him. You don't need me for that." He said it as he was taking off his vest."

Katie saw an opportunity. "Wait, Agent Morgan. Are you saying that Agent Reid tried to reason with this killer, unarmed, and without wearing his protective vest?"

Morgan was shaking his head at the memory. "Yes. That's Reid."

* * *

Katie turned her witness over to the prosecution. Donner knew he needed to tread carefully with the character witnesses. He needed to portray the FBI as being outraged with Reid's behavior. And, clearly, the BAU team would not support that. But he also couldn't appear to be attacking the whole government agency. So he needed to look like he was supportive of the FBI agents, while still negating the effects of their testimony. He approached Morgan slowly.

"Agent Morgan, thank you for being here today. I imagine the BAU is a very crucial component of the FBI. Very busy, with a heavy caseload."

He hadn't asked a question, so Morgan just waited him out.

Donner went for it. "Agent Morgan, was there ever a time when Agent Reid's behavior interrupted the work flow of your team?"

All of the involved parties knew he was referring to the case in New Orleans, and Reid's ignoring his cell phone.

"Not that I can think of, no."

"No, Agent Morgan? Have you forgotten about when he failed to report for work in New Orleans?" Donner was spinning the facts.

"He didn't 'fail to report for work'. He didn't get our cell phone messages. That's what he said."

Donner made sure the jury could see the doubtful look cross his face. "And you believed him."

Morgan was getting irritated, and it was coming across in his tone. Katie tried to catch his eye, to get him to calm down, but was unsuccessful.

"Of course I believed him. I had no reason not to."

"Really, Agent Morgan? What about his own admission, later on, that he'd been using drugs at the time?"

"I didn't know that then. I didn't know it until this trial."

He'd walked right down the path Donner had wanted him to walk. "So, by your own admission, you couldn't tell when Agent Reid was using drugs?"

"What? No, I couldn't. I mean, he wasn't acting like he was using drugs."

"Could it be that he was so high functioning that he was able to hide it from you, Agent Morgan? After all, he is a certifiable genius. Isn't it possible he was using drugs for a very long time, perhaps even into the present...and you wouldn't have noticed?"

"Objection, Your Honor. Mr. Donner is trying to enter his own private fantasy into testimony here."

Katie was angry. This was the stuff that had been promulgated by the media

Donner felt like he had sufficiently compromised the first character witness. "Retracted, Your Honor. Thank you, Agent Morgan. No further questions."

Even with the last exchange deleted from official court records, Donner knew he'd made his point.

Judge Ford looked to Katie. Even the jury could tell she was fuming. "Ms. Kelly?"

She knew she had to try to salvage the situation, but her only line of questioning could go either way.

"Agent Morgan, did the quality of Agent Reid's work diminish at any point along the way?"

"No, it didn't. We've always depended on Reid to see things that the rest of us can't see, and he continued to do it, without interruption."

Morgan hoped he'd redeemed the situation.

"Did he miss any other assignments? Did he call in sick? Slack off in any way?"

"Never."

"Thank you, Agent Morgan. No further questions."

Donner declined to re-examine the witness, so Morgan was dismissed. Judge Ford called a short recess, to give the jury a break from the action, as Morgan stormed down the aisle.

* * *

"Damn it! Goddamn it!"

Garcia tried to fuss over him. "It's all right, Derek. You did a good job. You helped him."

"Damn it!" Morgan was looking around for a wall to punch. Rossi got between him and the nearest one.

"It's a trial, Morgan. You speak the truth, and the attorneys spin it however it suits them. There was nothing else you could have done. You did your best to help Reid. Katie will play it up right."

Rossi knew he was not being heard, and most of him sympathized with Morgan. But they couldn't have a scene outside the courtroom. There were too many members of the media there.

JJ was quiet. She'd gone somewhere inside herself. Here was their final opportunity to help Reid, and she knew, in the deepest part of herself, that they needed to make the most of it. 

_Please, God, help us to help him._

Emily saw her colleague's emotional state and walked over to put an arm around her. "It will be okay, JJ. They'll hear us. They'll know who he really is."

"Oh, God, I hope so, Emily. But the way they keep turning everything against him…."

"Shh, Cara. It will be all right."

"How do you know that, Rossi?"

"Because it has to be."

* * *

After the recess, Katie called her next witness. "The defense calls Penelope Garcia."

Garcia's walk down the aisle was tentative, belying her nerves. Once she was sworn in, Katie approached her with a reassuring smile.

"Agent Garcia,…."

Penelope interrupted her. "Technical Analyst."

"Excuse me?"

"Technically, I'm not an agent. I'm a technical analyst. They're both titles. Mine is 'technical analyst'."

"Pardon me, then, Technical Analyst Garcia…..may I call you Ms. Garcia?"

"Sure."

"Ms. Garcia, how long have you known Agent Reid?"

"Ever since I came to the BAU. A little over six years."

"Do you work closely with him?"

"Not always geographically closely, no. I usually stay at the BAU when the team travels. But sometimes I go along with them. When I don't, we're in constant touch via the phone." Garcia's nervousness was causing her to be wordy.

Katie wanted the situation to be clear for the jury. "I see. So you are not always in the same place, but you're working on the same case?"

"Yes."

"And you're in frequent touch over the phone."

Garcia looked relieved. "Exactly."

"So, would you say you work closely with Agent Reid?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"And have you ever known him to put a suspect at risk?"

"No, never!"

"Have you ever known him to protect a suspect?"

This was the heart of the matter. If they could repeatedly demonstrate Reid's care of those in custody, the prosecution would have to prove that their allegations surrounding the Doyle case were the exception to the rule. Reasonable doubt for sure. Maybe.

"Well, yes. Well, no, he wasn't technically a suspect, but he could have been. Actually he _was_ a suspect, but we ruled him out. But he could have become one…."

Garcia was so nervous, she was chattering. Reid felt bad for her, and tried to catch her eye. But she didn't see him. She prattered on.

"There was this boy, a high school boy. And there were these prostitutes being murdered, right here in DC."

Garcia was so caught up in her testimony that she didn't notice the jury panel's discomfort with the thought of a serial killer loose in their own city. Hotch caught it, and sent a subtle signal to Katie.

"Ms. Garcia, how long ago was this?"

"Oh, at least three or four years ago. We caught him."

Katie noticed the jury breathe a collective sigh of relief. "Please go on, Ms. Garcia."

"Well, there was this young kid, and he'd sought out Reid. He was afraid he could become a serial killer, because of the fantasies he was having. Reid tried to help him. He was supposed to go into the hospital, for treatment. But before he could go, he tried to kill himself. The pro…the woman with him saw Reid's card, and called him. We were together at the time, it was right at the end of the work day. When we got there, we could see that the kid had cut his wrists. The blood was spurting everywhere. Reid got on the bed with him, and grabbed his wrists. He put pressure on them, until the EMTs arrived. They had to practically peel him off the kid, he was so determined to help him survive."

Katie was watching the jury as Garcia told her story. Their looks on their faces passed through fear, to dismay, to disgust, and then to admiration. Or at least a few of them did.

"So, would it be safe to say that Agent Reid saved the boy's life, Ms. Garcia?"

"Oh, most definitely."

"Thank you, Ms. Garcia. No further questions."

"Mr. Donner?" Judge Ford looked at the prosecution table.

"Ms. Garcia, did you just say that the person whose life Agent Reid saved had fantasies of becoming a serial killer?"

Penelope was flustered. "Well, yes. But he was only a boy…"

"And Agent Reid saved the life of the person who could go on to become a serial killer?"

Katie's chair moved back. Was Donner serious?

He saw that she was about to object, and headed her off. Without waiting for Garcia to answer, he commented, "Well, I guess we all have Agent Reid to thank for threatening our safety. Thank you, Ms. Garcia. No further questions."


	31. Chapter 31

**Consequences**

**Chapter 31**

Garcia had to talk Morgan down after he heard about her stint on the stand. They'd retired to the defense conference room to await Reid and the others. Judge Ford was about to call the midday recess.

"I think the jury understood what I was saying, Derek. Katie kind of smiled at me as I walked out. Isn't that a good sign?"

Morgan was having none of it. "You know, I used to think that prosecutors were the  _good_  guys. I don't get how Donner can do this to Reid."

Rossi was more philosophical. "He's a cog on a wheel, Morgan. He's just playing his role, and putting food on the table."

"At Reid's expense. I hope he chokes on it, then." Morgan wasn't used to feeling so helpless.

Emily had let go of none of her guilt, and couldn't bring herself to lay all of the blame on Donner. "None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for me."

JJ walked over and squeezed the shoulders of her good friend. "Emily, there are a lot of people who are alive and well because you put Ian Doyle away all those years ago. What happened after that is  _not_  your responsibility. You and Reid, you're two of a kind about this. Both of you….all of us, really….were only doing our jobs, the best way we knew how. That's all."

Rossi walked over and joined them, then turned to include the others. "You know, JJ's right. Every last one of us is only human. We do what we do for the right reasons, and to the best of our ability. And when we run into an Ian Doyle, we do our best to minimize the damage. But we're not responsible for the evil he does. This time, he paid for his own evil. He set it in motion, and he created his own enemies. And  _they_  took his life. Not us. Not Reid. And not you, Emily."

Emily smiled her gratitude to Rossi, finding herself unable to speak. The moment was interrupted by the arrival of the defense team. Hotch and Reid greeted their BAU team members as Katie pulled out her phone to go through her messages. Hotch noticed when a troubled look crossed her face. He walked over to where she was standing.

"Katie?"

"I need to see a television."

"What?"

"I need to see the news. Where is there a television?"

This didn't sound good. Not wanting to alarm Reid, Hotch escorted Katie into the hallway.

"There's a lounge at the end of the hall. We can watch there."

The lounge hosted a few court services workers on their lunch break. They were only too happy to dine elsewhere when Hotch offered them fifty dollars to do so.

Katie turned on the TV, the look on her face concerning Hotch. "What is it, Katie?"

"There was an e-mail from William Reid. Someone's broken through the security."

"How?" Access to Bennington had been tightly limited.

"It seems someone from 'The Helen Faith Show' applied for a job as an aide….and was hired. They snuck a camera in and got Diana Reid on video."

By now, Katie had found the 'news' channel. The pre-commercial teaser promised video inside the asylum that was holding the mother of the FBI agent on trial for murder.

Katie was furious. "Did you hear that? 'Murder'! Reid's not on trial for murder! Even if they correct it, you know that word will stay in people's heads. And they called Bennington an asylum!"

From long practice, Hotch had learned to hide his fury behind a mask of calm. But he shared Katie's sentiment. This was the worst kind of pseudo-journalism. And it could break Reid.

The commercial ended and the show resumed. The anchor indicated that they'd gotten exclusive footage inside the facility where Diana Reid lived. They'd already reported her diagnosis of schizophrenia. Now they showed her sitting in a chair, apparently engaged in a conversation with herself. The voiceover of the announcer precluded the viewer hearing what Diana was saying…until she had an apparent outburst of screaming and beating at the arms of her chair. Then, only the words, "No, they're lying! They always lie! No! No!" could be heard. The anchor reported that schizophrenics frequently lived in an alternate reality, angrily denying what was obvious to most people. She further advised viewers that Diana Reid suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, which made her question all forms of authority. The anchor implied, but did not say, that this questioning of authority had been played out in the video clip.

Katie was shaking her head, eyes closed. "Aaron, if he sees this…."

"He  _has_  to see it, Katie. It's his mother."

"But he'll try to protect her. It will take the fight right out of him, when he's been doing so well. He'll plead."

Hotch was quiet for a long moment, thinking. "Maybe not. Maybe if we can fight back for him…"

They'd had prior discussions about possibly needing to play the media game themselves. Now it seemed the decision had been made for them.

"Do you have someone in mind?"

"Well, Rossi's the most experienced in front of a camera, from all of his book tours. But we should probably have a second person. In this case, there's strength in numbers."

Katie agreed with him. They ruled out JJ, despite her experience as a liaison. There was too much at stake for her if things didn't go well. Nor would Morgan do…too likely to break the scenery. And Garcia was too…Garcia. Which left Prentiss.

"Do you think she can do it, Aaron? She's pretty emotionally tied up with it."

Hotch thought it might actually be therapeutic for Emily. But what he said was, "Her mother is an ambassador. She's learned how to deal with the opposition without giving away her own agenda."

"All right, then. Rossi and Prentiss. We'll go and talk to them now. But we still have to deal with Reid. Any suggestions?"

"Let me take him aside, Katie. I'll talk to him while you deal with the others."

* * *

They'd had lunch brought in, and the BAU team members were trying to talk about anything but the trial. They shared stories of their holidays, and their plans for New Year's Eve. Football sparked a lively argument among Morgan, Rossi and JJ. All of them realized they'd missed working together as a team, solving cases, taking serial killers off the streets….but none of them mentioned it. When Hotch and Katie returned, she joined the group, while Hotch called Reid aside.

"I need to speak with you privately." As he said it, Hotch saw that JJ's gaze had followed Reid. He realized his young colleague would need the support. "You and JJ." He motioned for her to join them as they headed back down the hall to the lounge,

Hotch seated them in front of the television, and then explained the situation. JJ uttered an "Oh, God" as Reid buried his face in his hands. When he emerged, Reid was bitter.

"I knew I couldn't count on him."

"Reid, he had no control over this."

"He should have had them do background checks on any new hires. He should have thought of this."

Hotch acknowledged that it was what the BAU team would have done. But they were experienced in the ways of evil. Someone like William Reid was simply too naive. He tried to help his junior colleague understand. JJ backed him up.

"Hotch is right, Spence. Your dad couldn't possibly have known. It wasn't his fault."

"But …..he didn't...she couldn't…" Reid knew he couldn't blame his father. But he needed to lash out at  _someone._

As he was speaking the clip came on again, complete with the 'teaser' from before. JJ laid her hand on Reid's back as they watched. When it was over, he could only shake his head.

"Why? Why do they have to do this to her? What has she ever done? Her whole life has been about fighting her demons…and trying desperately to take care of a little boy at the same time. Why?"

Tears were flowing down JJ's face. She could relate to the mother, fighting to take care of her son despite so many huge obstacles. And to the son, who sat beside her now, forlorn. But for the sake of Providence, it could have been Henry. She could have been the one born broken, and Henry left to pick up the pieces. She could relate to every role in the story, and it overwhelmed her.

Reid stared off, thinking. There was so much to lose, either way. He knew he'd promised, but this…..this changed things. He turned to JJ and swallowed.

"I know I promised to fight. And I  _have_ , JJ. But this was supposed to be  _my_  fight, not hers. She doesn't deserve this, and I can't let it happen."

JJ stiffened, understanding where his thoughts were going, and mentally protesting.  _No!_

He was doing just at Katie had said he would. He was preparing to sacrifice himself for the sake of his mother. Hotch couldn't let it happen. He stepped in.

"Reid, it wouldn't make a difference. Even if you changed your plea now, you'd both be headline news for days. We think there's a better way." And he explained how they would use Rossi and Prentiss as spokespersons for their own publicity campaign.

Even as Hotch was speaking, something clicked with Reid. It was something he'd seen in the video of his mother. He'd been so upset at the whole thing that it had taken this long to process it.

"Hotch, I think I noticed something. It might help us…."

* * *

Katie's plan was met with mixed reactions by the rest of the BAU team. Rossi, more experienced in front of the camera, saw the wisdom of it and was supportive. Emily, not so much.

"Oh, no, Katie. I don't think I can do that. I'm just not articulate enough."

Rossi reassured her. "Prentiss, there's not that much to it. We have our case, we put it out there. It's not that much different from delivering a profile."

"But they'll ask us questions! What if I screw up the answers? No, I've already hurt him too much. I can't risk doing it again."

"C'mon, Princess. Katie and Rossi are right. There's strength in numbers. Reid needs you to do this." Morgan tried to convince her.

"But why not you?" Emily looked at him, her mind suddenly conjuring up a vision of an angry Morgan on camera. "Okay, I get why not you, but….."

"But there's only you, Emily. You know it has to be you." Garcia was trying to be the voice of reason.

Emily looked from one to another, hoping to find a different solution. But there was none. She sighed her concession. "All right. I'll do it. For Reid."

Rossi patted her on the back. "That's the girl. I'll be with you, it will be all right."

They were starting to strategize on their message when the rest of the team rejoined them.

Garcia rose. "Oh, Reid, I'm so sorry. It's so unfair for them to go after your mother." The others murmured similar sentiments.

"Thanks guys. And thank you, Emily, and Rossi, for being willing to put yourselves out there for us. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you have to…..but thanks."

He turned to Garcia. "Can you come with me? There's something I have to show you…something I think I saw. It might help us…"

* * *

"The defense calls Agent David Rossi."

There was a buzz in the courtroom. Both the jurors and the gallery were familiar with this name. Many of them had read his books, and even more had seen his television interviews. Katie and Hotch took note of the buzz, which confirmed Rossi as the right choice to be their media front man.

Katie approached him after the swearing in. "Agent Rossi, you have a long history with the BAU, isn't that correct?"

"An interrupted history. I was with the BAU at its start, and then returned to it a few years ago."

"You're very modest, Agent Rossi. Isn't it true that you are one of the founders of the BAU?"

Rossi nodded. "I helped to get it started, yes."

"So you have years of experience with its caseload, as well as its agents. Would that be correct?"

"Yes, I've worked a great many cases, alongside many dedicated agents."

"And how would you characterize Agent Reid, among those many agents?"

"Well, Dr. Reid…." It was the first time Reid's other title had been used during the trial. Rossi had convinced Katie that it might help the jurors see Reid in a more helpful, more benevolent role…even if he wasn't that kind of doctor. " _It's all in the perception, my dear Katie_." And she agreed.

Rossi continued. "…..he took a little getting used to. He was a little bit of a fan boy." Reid's eyes widened at that.

"What do you mean, Agent Rossi?"

"Well, he'd apparently read every one of my books and took to quoting them back to me, word for word. It seemed like, every time we went out on a case, Reid would find some connection with something I wrote, and I would hear my own words coming back to me, out of his mouth."

Katie had anticipated the jury's mixed reaction to Rossi's statement. She urged him on to clarify. "And did this make you feel uncomfortable?"

Rossi shifted in his seat, casting a glance at Reid. "No. I just hadn't realized I was so smart. It sounded so much better when it came from him."

Rossi got the shy Reid smile he'd been hoping for. It was something the jury had never seen, but it was so emblematic of who Reid was that Rossi had insisted on being allowed to try to elicit it.

He also got a chuckle from the jury. Rossi was coming across as his avuncular self…the self he was with the team. He could be angry and hard-nosed with an unsub, but today he was likeable. Katie could see that the jury trusted him. She hoped they would trust his opinions as well.

"Agent Rossi, would you say that Dr. Reid has ever knowingly put anyone at risk?"

"Only himself." This was consistent with Morgan's testimony.

"To what are you referring, Agent Rossi?"

"He was determined to try to save the life of a young boy, an unsub. We were all convinced the kid would come at us shooting, trying to get us to kill him. And Reid took off his vest, and went up to the kid, unarmed. I honestly thought we'd lose Reid that day. But he saw something in the kid, something that made him understand him. And he appealed to it. And he saved the kid.  _And_  he saved  _us_  from killing the kid."

"You sound grateful about that, Agent Rossi."

"I am. No one in the FBI enjoys killing, Ms. Kelly. And we especially don't enjoy killing kids. Reid saved us all from many sleepless nights, with what he did that day."

Katie switched paths now. "Agent Rossi, were you a part of the Ian Doyle case?"

"I was."

"Were you with Dr. Reid when he conceived the plan to try to save Declan Doyle?"

"No. I was with him in the field, before that. When we saw what the people who had Declan were capable of."

"Please explain, Agent Rossi."

"Declan had been found. Reid and I went to the location where he had been living. His school reported that he'd gone home sick that day. When we got there, we found his caretaker dead, along with two of our agents. They'd all been brutally murdered. And Declan was gone."

"And you knew who had done it?"

"No. We thought it was Doyle. But he was located elsewhere, almost at the same time, and taken into custody. That's when we learned he didn't have Declan."

"And who did?"

"It came out in questioning, eventually. Doyle helped us by naming a few likely suspects. It turned out two of them had joined forces against him. And they were about to sell his son off to the highest bidder."

"Agent Rossi, it's already been entered into evidence that one of the people holding Declan Doyle was his biological mother. Did that cause you to rethink whether the boy was in any real danger?"

"We were shocked, but she had a history. She'd been known to kill before. And she'd tried to induce an abortion when she was pregnant with Declan."

"So, would it be fair to say that you….meaning the BAU team….came to realize that Declan might be in mortal danger?"

"It was clear. And there was no 'might' about it. He  _was_  in mortal danger. We'd seen how vicious these killers were. And we knew they saw Declan as disposable. We knew we needed to save Declan before they could cost him his life."

"But you were not present at the time the plan to save Declan was conceived, correct?"

"Correct. I was in the field at that time."

Katie knew she was about to revisit some facts already in evidence, but this time the testimony was coming from a participant. "Were you present at the airport, at the time Doyle was killed?"

"I was. I was in one of the SUVs."

"And did you witness the arrival of Dr. Reid and Ian Doyle?"

"Reid, Doyle and Agent Prentiss all arrived in a helicopter. Yes, I was present for it."

"And did you see Dr. Reid do anything to put Ian Doyle at risk?"

"Reid had his hand on Doyle's arm the entire time. He never left his side. If anything, his proximity to Doyle would have been protective."

"What happened next, Agent Rossi?"

"The people on the plane had the boy. The male came out holding a gun in one hand and the boy in the other. He demanded that Doyle be brought to him, and made to kneel. Reid and Prentiss brought him forward. As they did, the woman exited the plane, shooting. She shot Doyle. Our return fire killed her. The boy was saved."

Rossi made it seem like a very simple scenario.

"Agent Rossi, did the BAU actually intend to trade Ian Doyle for his son?"

"No. We had orders that none of them would be allowed to leave the airstrip."

"Who issued those orders, Agent?"

Rossi cocked his head toward the defense table. "Our unit chief. Aaron Hotchner."

Katie let that sink in. "So, would I be correct in summarizing that, although Dr. Reid found a way to save the life of Declan Doyle, there was no actual intent, by him or anyone else on the BAU team, to trade the life of Ian Doyle for that of his son?"

"You would be correct."

"Thank you, Agent Rossi. No further questions at this time."

Ford turned to the prosecution. "Mr. Donner?"

Donner was inclined to tread gingerly on the toes of David Rossi. The man was too well-known, and too well-respected, and an antagonistic approach by the prosecution might be costly to his case. He decided on a respectful tone. It was also something he'd been encouraged to do from above.

"Agent Rossi, in your many years of experience with the FBI, have you had other operations go wrong?"

"Of course. Things happen all the time."

"And when these 'things happen', is there a study of what went wrong?"

"We look at every incident, especially where there is loss of life."

"And when the incidents are examined, isn't it true that the 'things that happen' are associated with human error? With an agent who didn't follow procedure, or protocol…or who didn't practice restraint?"

Rossi considered the question. "When we're able to determine a cause, and when it's the fault of the FBI, it's true that it is often due to a lapse on someone's part. But…."

Donner cut him off, as Rossi mentally cursed himself for giving the prosecutor the opportunity. He was too experienced with giving testimony to have done so.

"Thank you, Agent Rossi. Nothing further."

Katie could tell from Rossi's face that he had more to say, and was more than glad to give him the chance.

"Agent Rossi, please finish your sentence."

With a withering look at Donner, Rossi replied. "I was  _going_  to say that, when a negative outcome can be attributed to the FBI, it is often due to a lapse on the part of one or more agents. But, most of the incident studies indicate that the majority of the time, the unexpected behavior that triggered the negative outcome is on the part of the unsub."

Rossi could see Donner twitching, and decided to head him off. Katie nodded that he should continue.

"In this case, it wasn't the unsub in custody who behaved in an unpredicted way. It was one of the two who had only recently been identified. Even if we had eventually been able to come up with an accurate profile, in this case, it was just too soon. And there was too little information available. We couldn't have predicted how Declan's mother would behave."

"So there was no way to have predicted she would shoot Ian Doyle?"

"None."

Katie was through. Judge Ford looked to Donner again. "Re-cross, Mr. Donner?"

"Just one question, Your Honor. Agent Rossi, if your team didn't have enough information to profile the two people who were holding Declan Doyle, wouldn't it have been wise not to put them in a position to cause harm?"

Rossi tried to stare Donner down. "It might have been, Mr. Donner. But if we had done nothing, they would have taken off with the boy. Most likely we'd be talking right now about why we allowed the boy to die."

* * *

"The defense calls Agent Emily Prentiss."

Judge Ford reminded her, "Agent Prentiss, you are still under oath, from your prior testimony."

"Agent Prentiss, how long have you known Dr. Reid?"

"Ever since I came to the BAU. About five or six years."

"Would you say you know him well?"

"We work closely together. And I like to think that we're friends." Emily watched as Reid returned the sentiment with a small smile.

"Have you ever known him to be reckless with human life, even that of a suspect, or 'unsub'?"

"Never."

"Agent Prentiss, were you present when Dr. Reid developed the plan to trade Ian Doyle for his son?"

"Yes. We were interrogating Doyle."

"Can you tell us about it, please?"

"Doyle had just told us about Declan's mother and the male, McDermott. He said he thought they'd taken Declan to sell him to someone who held a grudge against him. That they would sell Declan off to the highest bidder. He also said they were capable of hurting Declan, even killing him."

"Are you saying the child's own mother would have sold him for the right price?"

"It sounded like she would have sold him for  _any_  price, she was that angry with Doyle."

"What happened then, Agent Prentiss?"

"Dr. Reid suggested we give the two of them what they wanted…..Doyle."

"And you agreed with him?"

"Not at first. I was worried that Doyle would get away. But Reid swore he would stick by him, said he would chain himself to the man if he had to. And I could see that we were running out of time. And we had no other plan, so I agreed. I even went to Chief Strauss to get permission."

Several members of the jury leaned forward at this. They'd heard Strauss' testimony, and hadn't thought she'd given permission.

"And did she grant it?"

"She didn't say 'yes' or 'no'. She just asked me if the team was already on its way. And I acknowledged that they were."

"But, clearly you and Dr. Reid were not yet on your way. Nor Ian Doyle. Correct?"

"That's true. But she didn't try to stop us."

Donner was annoyed. This was not the impression Strauss had left the court with. She'd skimmed over the fact that the prisoner in question was still in custody at the time of the discussion.

Katie now went for what she thought was a crucial question.

"Agent Prentiss, was Ian Doyle aware of your plan to exchange him for his son?"

"Yes, he was in the room when we were discussing it."

"And did he, at any time, indicate that he opposed the plan?"

The entire courtroom seemed to be holding a collective breath, awaiting a critical answer.

"He didn't."

"So Ian Doyle didn't actively oppose the plan that inadvertently led to his death."

"No, he didn't oppose it."

"Thank you, Agent Prentiss. No further questions."

"Mr. Donner?"

He was already up. "Agent Prentiss, to be clear…did Ian Doyle  _endorse_  the plan that led to his death?" The omission of the word 'inadvertently' was obvious.

"No, he didn't."

"So, he didn't say, "Please don't use me as a human pawn, because they'll kill me."

Katie stood. "Objection, Your Honor. Counsel is putting words in the victim's mouth."

No sooner was the sentence out than Katie regretted it. Better for the jury not to be thinking of Ian Doyle as a victim.

"Overruled. Sorry, Ms. Kelly. Mr. Donner is simply asking a question."

Donner rubbed it in by having the question read back, to make sure the sentence was engraved on the minds of the jury members. "Agent Prentiss?"

"No, he didn't say anything."

Donner changed the subject now. "Agent Prentiss, didn't all of this take place immediately upon your return to the BAU? In fact, you weren't even officially reinstated at the time, were you?"

"No, I wasn't." Emily was determined to give the shortest, and least informative, answers possible.

"Is it true that this was the day that most of your BAU team members learned that you were alive? That you'd been living overseas, under a different identity?"

Emily hesitated, trying to out-think Donner. She thought she knew where he was going, but couldn't think of a way to stop him.

"Yes, I had just returned."

"And wouldn't it be fair to say that the team members were in shock? Including Agent Reid?"

"I don't know for sure how they were feeling. There wasn't time to discuss anything." She hoped she was adequately conveying the urgency of the situation.

"We heard Detective LaMontagne testify that Agent Reid was emotionally unstable following your simulated death…."

"Objection. Dr. Reid's emotional state at the time has not been determined."

"Sustained. Mr. Donner, please rephrase your question."

"Thank you, Your Honor. Agent Prentiss, we heard that Agent Reid was upset following your simulated death. Wouldn't it be expected that he might have a very emotional reaction to finding out that you were alive? Might he not be very angry with the man who had caused all of this turmoil?"

Emily stared at Donner for a long time. "I don't know how to answer that question."

"Really, Agent Prentiss? Aren't you a profiler? And you don't have an opinion on how the man you've told us was your friend might react to your death? And then to finding out that it had been faked, and he not told?"

Emily just stared at him. The subject had been, for a long time, an open wound in the relationship between herself and Reid. And between JJ and Reid as well. She would not allow it to hurt her good friend, again, now.

"He was upset."

"Upset enough at Ian Doyle to create a situation where Doyle would be made to pay with  _his_  life?"

"No! No, Reid would never do that. He's not like that."

Donner felt like he'd made his point. "No further questions, Your Honor."

Emily was their final witness. Katie was determined not to end the trial on such a negative note. She desperately raked her mind for a way to salvage the situation. When Judge Ford offered her the opportunity to re-direct, she stood, hoping the words would come to her mouth.

"Agent Prentiss, " she started, mentally scrambling. "Agent Prentiss, you testified earlier that you'd cared for Declan Doyle at an earlier point in his life. Were you living with Ian Doyle at that time?"

"Undercover, yes."

"And how would you characterize his relationship with his son?"

"He loved Declan. I've never had any doubt about that."

"So might it be consistent with your past experience of Ian Doyle, if he'd agreed to the plan to exchange himself for his son? "

"Completely. I think that's why he never protested."

_Whew!_  thought Katie.

"Thank you, Agent Prentiss."

Donner declined re-cross, so Judge Ford turned back to Katie.

Her thoughts flashed back to the last defense strategy planning session. Hotch, as an unofficial member of the defense team, wouldn't testify, nor would Reid. That left only JJ. Reid had been adamant that she not be called again.

"She said everything she had to say the first time she was on the stand, Katie. And no matter what she says, I know it was hard on her. I won't have her put through it again. I mean it, Katie."

She could see that he did. There might be a little more to be gained from putting JJ back on the stand, but not at the expense of losing Reid's cooperation. She would have to be satisfied with what she'd been able to elicit from JJ's testimony before.

Katie's thoughts came back to the present. She looked at Hotch for affirmation, and received it.

"The defense rests, Your Honor."

"Thank you, Ms. Kelly."

Judge Ford struck his gavel, calling an early recess for the day. Closing statements would begin tomorrow.

The media war would begin tonight.


	32. Chapter 32

**Consequences**

**Chapter 32**

"Are you sure she didn't see it?" Reid stepped away from Katie and the BAU team to make his call. JJ was at his side, able to hear only his half of the conversation.

"Thank God. Please, Dr. Norman, make sure she doesn't. And make sure no one even mentions it to her." He paused to listen again.

"Yes, thank you, I appreciate that. Dr. Norman, there's something else I need to ask you about…."

Inside the conference room, the others were making plans for the evening's media campaign.

Most of the major news networks had studios in DC, so it wouldn't be difficult to arrange for Rossi and Prentiss to make the rounds. The network hosting 'The Helen Faith Show' eagerly accepted the offer. No one believed the promise of fairness given by the 'Helen Faith' representative. Prentiss was unnerved by it, but Rossi's confidence convinced her to agree to the appearance.

"I'm used to these sharks, Prentiss. I've held my own with more than a few of them. I'll get us through it."

There was some disagreement about what the primary message should be. Most often, when a trial was being played out in the media, it was the guilt or innocence of the defendant that was the focus. Katie realized they hadn't sought out this route, but now that they were here, she didn't see a reason not to try to impact the outcome of the trial. But Reid was adamant. His singular goal was to take the focus away from his mother.

"Well, they have to go on air to talk about something, Reid. It can't just be 'leave his mother alone', even if that's all you want. That's a sure way to get the public to flip the channel. We need something that grabs them more than your mother does."

"Like what?"

Rossi knew. He'd made a fortune in book sales on it. "We need to talk about what it's like to do what we do. The danger, the fear, the saving of lives."

Prentiss looked at him sideways. "That's a little dramatic, isn't it, Rossi?"

He smirked at her. "Drama sells. Trust me on this."

* * *

They'd asked Garcia to babysit so JJ could be at Reid's place to watch the interviews with him. JJ didn't want to risk Henry overhearing any of the coverage…and she was concerned that Reid, and even she, might react in a way that would frighten the child. But Garcia was still working on the task Reid had set before her. So she not-so-gently persuaded Morgan to join her, allowing her to work on her laptop while he entertained the youngster.

" _That's_  what should be on TV," snarked Reid. "He'll have Henry shadow boxing before the night is out."

Katie and Hotch were joining their client for the beginning of the evening, but would then have to leave to finalize the closing statement. Reid clicked the television on as the group picked at an assortment of takeout foods. Katie couldn't help but notice as JJ snuck extra food onto Reid's plate when he wasn't watching. She'd noticed his weight loss over the past two weeks of the trial, but now realized that it might have been even more pronounced had he not had JJ looking out for him. Briefly, the two women's eyes met, and they shared a conspiratorial smile.

Rossi and Prentiss would be on two news features this evening, and then on 'Helen Faith'. Katie was still negotiating with the morning news shows.

The hardest negotiation had been with the higher ups at the FBI. Not technically able to go above Strauss without going  _through_  her, Hotch had gone  _around_ her, to the Public Relations arm of the FBI. He'd been able to convince the PR deputy director of the benefit of having the FBI publicly defended from the media onslaught of charges of being a renegade national law enforcement agency. It was tricky. Should Reid be convicted, the FBI would need to distance itself from him, to demonstrate that not every agent would be so easily dismissive of the life of someone in custody. And, even now, the Bureau couldn't be seen as trying to influence the outcome of the trial. So Hotch had made the case that the designated agents would simply expound on the good work of the FBI, and the dedication of those who do it. If asked about the trial, they would decline comment. Hotch was confident that Rossi knew how to work a conversation.

JJ could feel Reid tense next to her as the first program began with footage of him and his defense team leaving the courthouse on the day of the opening statements. The day when Reid had become virtually paralyzed with the barrage of questions and insinuations coming from the media. When Hotch had needed to escort him to the waiting SUV, to make his escape. Reid cringed as he watched the hurt and terror in his own eyes, and remembered instantly how he'd felt.

JJ had never seen the video….it was the day she had been creating his Christmas surprise. Now, seeing the effect it had had on him, and recalling the night they'd spent together, she was emotionally torn. On the one hand, she was furious at his treatment by these media strangers….and on the other, she was grateful, that she'd been moved to do what she'd done, and been able to offer him some relief on that awful day.

Now, sensing his upset, she laid one arm on his back, and took his hand with the other. He gave her a quick look of thanks, and returned his attention to the screen. The anchor was introducing the show's topic of the evening.

"There's a trial going on here in DC, that's attracted attention around the country, and even around the world. Spencer Reid, a supervisory special agent with the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit, is on trial for criminally negligent manslaughter, for the death of a prisoner in his custody. The prisoner, Ian Doyle, was shot and killed in the midst of exchanging him for his son, who was being held hostage."

The anchor turned to look at another camera. "With me tonight are two members of that same Behavioral Analysis Unit, Agents David Rossi and Emily Prentiss. Agents, it's nice to have you here."

"It's nice to be here, Franklin. Thank you for having us." The camera had turned to Rossi. He looked comfortable and in control. Not so Emily Prentiss, sitting beside him.

"Look at her, she keeps looking at her nails. She wants to bite them." Reid appreciated that this was a huge sacrifice on Emily's part.

"And she hasn't looked at the camera at all." JJ was sympathetic with her good friend. She'd been before the camera many times, but mostly with prepared statements.

Hotch reassured them. "You're profiling her. The public can't do that. She looks fine, and she'll do well." Katie agreed with him.

The news anchor was aware of the limits imposed on his conversation with his guests, so he started with something benign.

"Agents, the work you do has come into national focus in the past few weeks, because of the trial. What would you like the American public to know?"

They were all surprised when Emily took the lead. Looking directly into the camera, she spoke.

"That we do it because we care. We care about what happens to you, and to your families. We do it because we think people should be able to live without constantly looking over their shoulders, wondering what evil might await them. So when evil surfaces, we do our best to find it, and put it away."

With the camera on Emily, no one could see Rossi's surprised look of approval. But Emily could feel his foot tapping hers.

"Yay, Emily!" Garcia's exclamation brought Morgan's attention.

"Hey, Baby Girl, I thought we weren't allowed to watch it here." They'd gotten Henry down, and Morgan was toggling back and forth between a couple of college basketball games.

"I've got it on my laptop-come and sit with me so we won't have to put the sound up. You won't believe it-Emily! My hero!"

At Reid's, Emily's statement brought prideful looks from her three colleagues. On screen, the anchor probed.

"When you say you 'put evil away', what do you mean by that?" It was the issue most closely related to the trial. Had Reid 'put Doyle away' by sacrificing him?

Rossi responded this time. "The BAU's work is fairly unique. We deal almost exclusively with violent crimes. We try to get in the mindset of the unsub...the 'unknown subject' committing the crimes...to help to identify who he or she is. And then we do our best to predict their next move, so we can head them off. If we do our jobs well, we're able to keep them from hurting anyone else. For us, 'putting them away' means catching them before they can do more harm, and bringing them to justice."

"And how often does 'bringing them to justice' result in harm to the suspect…or unsub, as you label them?" The anchor was trying to get as close to the issue as he could.

"Rarely. Especially considering which population we're dealing with." Rossi leaned back, into his 'pontification' position. "Remember, Franklin, we're dealing with the most violent group of people in our country, maybe in the world. Many of them don't care if they live or die, as long as they can take one more life with them. So we may have a higher incidence of trauma to the people we put into custody….and, yes, we may even have a higher incidence of death for them…..but only because we're being challenged by the most dangerous, actively threatening, people on the planet."

"Can you give us an example?"

At that, Emily leaned back in her chair, now relaxed. Could Rossi give an example? How about twenty? Thirty, maybe? A hundred? She knew her colleague could go on for quite a while without prompting. But he would also only be able to reference cases that were long since deemed 'closed'. Her tenure with the BAU being so much shorter, she was very limited in which cases she could publicly discuss.

Two commercial breaks and a handful of harrowing cases later, their host looked genuinely sorry to have to say that their time had come to an end. Rossi had skillfully brought Prentiss into the conversation from time to time, so that it wouldn't seem like a soliloquy. And now he saw his final opportunity, at the close of the interview, to make an impact.

"Thank you for having us, Franklin. And of course, yes, we'd be happy to come back on your program. We can even bring along a few of our colleagues. As old timers like me move closer towards retirement, we're happy to see that some very excellent people, like my colleague Spencer Reid, are coming up behind us. The American public will be well-served in those hands."

Now Emily was tapping _his_ foot. And she planned to land a big smooch on his face as soon as they were done.

So did Garcia. But since only Morgan was around, he would have to do. "I love him! I love Rossi!"

"Me too, Baby Girl. He's a good man. But I'm not gonna smooch him."

As the program ended, those at Reid's conferred. Katie was a little concerned about the gruesomeness of some of the cases Rossi had referenced.

"It's what we do, Katie. Those weren't even the worst of the bunch." As he said this, Katie realized how much had probably transpired in Hotch's life since they'd last been close.

"And, like it or not, that's what gets people hooked." JJ stated the discouraging fact.

"And it was exactly the kind of thing that will take the public's attention away from my mom."  Which was all Reid really cared about.

Katie and Hotch made their good-byes and headed back to the office to work on the closing. JJ handed Reid a plate of pastries that had been delivered with their meals.

"Still trying to fatten me up, are you?"

"What? No, I just thought you might like some dessert."

"Is that why you put the extra dumplings on my plate before?"

Busted. JJ tried to look innocently outraged, but there was a smile in Reid's eyes that brought out hers.

"Well, you ate them, didn't you?"

He picked up her hand and kissed it. "I know you're only looking out for me. And I love you for it. And for everything else."

She leaned into him for a kiss.

"They're on the 'Mary Webb Show' next, and then 'Helen Faith'. Should I break out the whiskey now or later?"

Reid snorted. But then he got serious. "They did a great job on this show, JJ. And the next one will probably be pretty similar. Maybe they don't need to go on 'Helen Faith'."

He knew it would be more confrontational….Helen Faith wasn't worried about what the FBI did or did not want to discuss. And he was worried about the effects on Rossi and Prentiss, both personally and professionally.

She agreed with him in theory, but knew that 'Helen Faith' would actually be a crucial appearance. And potentially dangerous. They wouldn't be able to sidestep the trial without appearing to be completely oppositional and obstructive. She wasn't sure that even Rossi was glib enough for that.

The next interview was very similar to the first one, with the exception that even her fellow profilers thought Emily looked more relaxed. All of his teammates were amazed when Rossi produced a completely different set of cases to discuss as examples of their work. Reid was able to forget his situation enough to be a little jealous that he'd never gotten Rossi to discuss things in such detail with him.

Finally, the hour came for 'The Helen Faith Show'. In contrast to the others, this show led off with the video of Diana snuck out of Bennington, and then cut to the footage of Reid on opening statement day.

"There you have it, ladies and gentleman. The woman who produced him, and the agent he became. Do you see the similarity in expression?"

The obvious implication of Reid having a mental illness similar to his mother's was there. Watching it, JJ wished she'd really brought out the whiskey. With Hotch and Katie gone, she and Reid had curled together on the couch. Now he flung himself upright, stiff-bodied, angry. Not about the implication regarding himself, JJ was sure, but about what the host was implying of his mother.

"Damn her." He'd whispered it, but JJ was still shocked. As mild an expletive as it might be, she'd simply never heard Reid speak about  _anyone_ that way. That it came now, in this hushed tone, was chilling.

"Spence…."

"Damn her." He was staring at the television. JJ could see that there was no light left in his eyes. It scared her, not for what he might do, but for what was happening inside him. She tried again. "Spence…."

Finally she took hold of his chin and turned his face toward her. "Spence."

He blinked, as though releasing himself from a trance. Finally, he looked at her.

"Don't use your energy up on her, she's not worth it. Emily and Rossi will show her for what she is, I'm sure of it. And, Spence, "she said as she took his face into her palm, "she's not seeing it. Your mother doesn't know. It can't hurt her if she doesn't know, right?"

She was right, but it didn't settle him emotionally. "But _I_  know, JJ. And it's not all right. She's never been able to fight for herself. I've  _always_  had to do it for her. And _I_  know. And it's not all right." He'd repeated the last words, partly to her, and partly to himself.

They were interrupted when the show returned from a commercial break. They could see that Helen Faith had assumed what was a perpetual façade of outrage. She fancied herself the representative of the average American and, as such, entitled to give voice to the unnamed….and unconfirmed….masses.

"We have with us tonight two colleagues of the accused, Agents Emily Prentiss and David Rossi." Without any of the niceties, she proceeded to her 'interview'.

"Agents, please tell us what kind of mental health screening prospective agents undergo."

The implication was clear. That Reid, like his mother, suffered a mental illness that had slipped through a screening process.

Here was where Rossi's years of experience with the press would prove to be critical. He knew enough not to respond to the question directly.

"Thank you for having us, Helen." As though she'd actually welcomed them. "I'm pleased to say that, with the possible exception of myself, who somehow thought it was a good idea to come back from retirement, all prospective agents within the FBI undergo rigorous physical and mental health screening."

Humor was always disarming. Helen Faith wished that were not so. Forced to acknowledge his response, she gave him a small smile.

"So, you're saying that Agent Reid has been cleared as far as his mental health, even though mental illness runs in his family?"

Rossi could feel Emily's leg shaking under the table. She was tapping her foot, not against his, but against the floor.  _Better that than kicking the host, I guess_ , he thought. But he was worried that it might become visible on screen, so he moved his foot over to still hers.

Rossi tried to convey his condescension in his body language. "As I'm sure you know, there is no sharing of health information, Helen. I wouldn't know the specifics about  _any_  agent. Only that the process happens, and seems to work."

Helen Faith wasn't used to having intelligent guests on her show. She could see this would take some work. Fortunately, it was time for a commercial break, and she gladly gave the teaser and relinquished her audience to the ads.

During the break, Reid grabbed his cell and made a call.

"Garcia, anything?"

"Not yet, Gentle Genius, but I'm still working on it. I had to call in a few favors, because it's not totally my area of expertise. But I think we'll get it."

"We need it soon, Garcia. Like now." It wasn't like Reid to be so demanding, especially when his colleague had already explained the situation.

She was genuinely upset. "I'm sorry, Reid. I'll get it to you as fast as I can.  I promise."

Reid heard the regret in her voice, and realized he'd caused it. Abashed, he apologized. "Garcia…I'm sorry. I know you're trying. It's just….."

She was gentle with him. "I know. And I love you. And I really will get it to you the very second I have it."

He'd put it on speaker, so JJ had been able to hear the whole thing. She realized the tension in the exchange, and what had brought it on. And her heart went out to both of them. She hugged Reid as she spoke into the phone. "Thanks, Pen. We know you will. Is Henry asleep?"

"Out cold. We're watching on the laptop, in the kitchen, so he can't hear. And you should thank me for that. If we'd been watching on your TV, I think Morgan would have thrown the remote through it by now."

"Don't listen to her, JJ. Not you, either, Kid. I'm cool, calm and collected here."

JJ and Reid both chuckled at that, convinced that Garcia's statement had been the more accurate.

"Thanks, guys, for watching Henry. And, Garcia? Reid and I both love you!"

"As you should."

* * *

Helen Faith was back from her commercial break, again leading into the segment with a repeat of the Diana video.

Reid had seen it so many times now, he was becoming numb to it. He could only hope the others watching the program were feeling the same way.

When the video ended, Faith proceeded with a question completely unrelated to it.

"Agents, does the FBI operate under the assumption that its suspects are innocent until proven guilty?"

Emily responded. "Of course."

"And is the FBI in the habit of putting innocent people at risk, to achieve its own ends?"

"Of course not." Emily was doing her best not to sound annoyed.

"Then why, Agent Prentiss, would Agent Reid put an untried prisoner at risk? And cost him his life? Was Ian Doyle not considered innocent, even though he'd not been proven guilty? Did Agent Reid make that decision for himself? To be judge and jury?"

JJ watched Reid closely. This sentiment was dangerously close to how he'd felt about himself, as wrongheaded as that had been. She saw him swallow thickly.

"Not you, Spence, not you. Don't be buying into this." She couldn't tell if he had heard her. This was why Katie had asked him  _not_  to watch the show before.

Emily stole a glance at Rossi, who looked at her with confidence.  _You can do it, Emily._

"You're asking us to comment on a trial in progress, which we cannot do. What I can do is to tell you that  _all_  of my colleagues in the FBI are professionals who put themselves last, and  _everyone_ else first. If ever I had a child who was in danger, perhaps being held hostage, I would trust no one but the FBI to bring my child back to me, alive and well."

Emily tried not to make her sigh of relief visible on camera. She could feel Rossi's approving pat of her foot. She'd done it. Without answering to specifics about the trial, she'd gotten the heart of the matter out there. She hadn't used Reid's name, but it was clear in her statement. Before their host could regroup with another question, Rossi took over the interview.

"You know, that reminds me of a case….." and he was off. Helen made a couple of feeble stabs at bringing the conversation back to mental illness and Reid's mental state when he put Ian Doyle at risk, but Rossi and Prentiss ably parried them. The show finally came to an end, concluding the battle for the evening.

All of the team met via conference call. "You guys were great!" Garcia was effusive.

"Thank you, guys. Emily, I know it was really hard for you, thank you. And Rossi…..masterful. Thank you. It's all I can say. I wanted them to focus away from my mom, and you made them do that. Thank you."

Katie was also on the line, with Hotch. "Guys, we've got the morning shows. Are you up for them?"

Emily was feeling a little more confident. "I guess so. Why not?"

"My 'footsie' partner and I will be happy to perform again in the morning."

None of the others, save Emily, understood what Rossi was talking about. But she gave him a wide smile.


	33. Chapter 33

**Consequences**

**Chapter 33**

News is, inherently, a 24 hour enterprise. Items 'break' all the time. So it should have come as no surprise to the BAU and defense teams when the morning shows wanted to make adjustments to the list of possible interview topics. It seemed 'The Helen Faith Show' had released a new promotional ad for their next evening episode. This one had both video and audio of Diana Reid. Apparently Ms. Faith was unhappy about her experience with Rossi and Prentiss. The gloves had come off.

They'd been alerted by Garcia, still acting as the media watchdog. She'd called JJ before the sun was up.

"…and then you hear her talking, and it looks like there's nobody there again. And then Helen Faith comes on and says she'll have an expose about how the FBI is covering up the work of a very disturbed agent. JJ, she makes me so mad!"

JJ's mind was racing, trying to calculate all the potential damage to be done, and the ways they might try to prevent it. Mostly, she was calculating how badly it would hurt Reid, both legally and emotionally.

"Spence doesn't know yet, does he, Garcia?"

"Not unless he's seen it on TV himself. I thought I should call you first, in case….."

"Yes, I want to be with him when he hears. Garcia, I know I'm imposing, but is there any chance…"

"Bring him to me now, and I'll get him off to school, okay? Oh, and JJ? Tell Reid that we should have what he needs within a few hours. In fact, it might even help us with the new video."

"He'll be relieved, Garcia, thanks. I'll see you in a few minutes." JJ got a very sleepy Henry out of bed, and bundled him and his school clothes into the car, headed for his godmother's care.

* * *

Katie was up as well, having fielded the incoming phone calls from the morning shows. She'd seen the new ad, and called Hotch in a fury. "This woman is seriously irritating me, Aaron. We have to make her go away."

"I might very well help you accomplish that, Katie. But right now I'm on hold with the Deputy Director on the other line. He's seen the ad too. I think he's on the brink of easing the limits on what Rossi and Prentiss can talk about. It sounds like the higher ups are miffed that she's not just going after a single agent now, she's taking on the whole Bureau. So they're willing to let us talk about non-trial related issues in defense of Reid and, by extension, the Bureau."

It was as close as the Bureau hierarchy had come to actually supporting this particular agent.

"So, she may have done us a favor? Is that what you're saying?"

"Just maybe. I'm hopeful." She heard the click of the phone and then a quick, "Gotta go, I'll call you later."

When the line activated, the Deputy Director had been replaced by several FBI office heads on the conference call, as well as the person with authority for the BAU, the man Reid knew as 'John'. Hotch was unaware of the connection between his superior and his youngest BAU agent.

Public Affairs led the discussion. "We can either keep out of it entirely...you know, stay above the fray. Or we can defend the Bureau, but I think we'll have to commit on Agent Reid if we do so."

General Counsel argued, "I don't know. I think we can defend the integrity of the FBI without necessarily committing ourselves to a single agent, don't you?"

John's voice was next. "You know, I'd like to think that the 'F' in FBI still stands for 'Fidelity'."

"It does. But the fidelity in question is to the country, not to a single FBI agent," came from General Counsel.

"Gentlemen, our country is made up of individuals, as is the Bureau. And we owe that fidelity to each of them." John was about to put himself out there, but he felt justified in doing so. "I've seen enough of this case to know that any one of us might have done the same thing, back when we were in the field. You all know this case should never have been brought."

His comments were met with silence. Listening intently to the entire exchange, Hotch found he was holding his breath at this point. Finally Public Affairs spoke out again.

"You're right. Not only might I have taken the same kind of chance, but I probably  _did_  do it when I was young." He paused, and then added, in a softer tone. "And considerably less concerned with the repercussions."

"That's just the point." General Counsel was speaking again. "There _are_  repercussions. And Agent Reid is simply having to deal with the consequences of something he put in motion."

"Are you saying the charges _are_  justified? That you would have referred him for prosecution if it had been passed by you?" John was still, essentially, arguing Reid's case.

"No, I probably wouldn't have. But it wasn't run by me. Who d _id_  allow this to happen?"

There was another silence on the line. Hotch wondered if they'd forgotten he was there. He wouldn't have expected them to speak so freely with the defense consultant listening in.

_Should I say something?_

John's voice interrupted Hotch's thought. "Does this profound silence mean that none of our offices were consulted before this prosecution went forward? That none of us were given a chance to head it off?"

The others all heard a throat being cleared. It belonged to the one voice that had been silent since the beginning of the call…the director of the Office of Congressional Affairs. He sounded sheepish. "Well, we k _new_  about it. It wasn't run by us for permission, because the FBI's permission wasn't necessary. But we got a heads up from the congressional subcommittee chair. It sounded like a 'done deal', so I didn't question it. But I remember having the distinct impression that it had gone through channels."

"Well, it didn't go through my channel." "Not here." "Never heard a word." Came from the other three directors on the phone.

John's voice had acquired an angry tone. "Gentlemen, may I ask you….if you  _had_  been asked for guidance on this, would you or your offices have sent it forward? Would you have recommended prosecution for this young man?"

Each of them reported that they'd heard nothing in the case so far that would have moved them to agree with the prosecution. And yet, although they would have liked to have input, the decision had never really been up to them.

"I don't know that we could have influenced this one way or the other. I'm guessing the Director agreed to it, or even ordered it." General Counsel knew how things usually worked.

"And I suspect he might have been heavily influenced by his friends in congress. Committee chairs can wield a lot of power, especially when they also influence political appointments. You know how it is."

Hotch was growing increasingly uncomfortable. The conversation among the office heads was being held openly, and honestly, and obviously not for public consumption. And he had to work with these men after the trial was over. He had no choice but to remind them of his presence.

"Gentlemen, Aaron Hotchner here. I need to put the question before you again. Agents Rossi and Prentiss are scheduled for the morning news shows. As you know, Helen Faith has released a promotion indicating she has another video of Agent Reid's mother, this one with audio that she implies is damaging to both Agent Reid and, by extension, the FBI."

He stopped for reaction. Hearing none, he continued.

"Last night's interviews skirted the issue of the trial and Agent Reid. I've asked today for your permission to allow discussion of issues not directly related to the trial. That is, I would like for Agents Rossi and Prentiss to be able to speak to Agent Reid's character, stability, performance in the line of duty, etc. Even his mother's health, as he has given them permission for that. Anything but the Ian Doyle case. Do I have it?"

Another prolonged silence. Hotch couldn't be sure if the office directors were simply thinking it over, or if they were each silently cursing themselves for having forgotten he was on the line. Finally, General Counsel responded.

"There are no legal limitations on doing so. They would be free to talk about anything that isn't classified, or directly related to the trial."

"We would actually encourage it from Public Affairs," said that office director.

"I'm not sure our friends in congress would agree, but I can't see any reason not to." They had the consent of Congressional Relations.

"It's settled then. Agent Hotchner, your team may speak freely on the morning news shows. You tell them they have our full support. And, Agent Hotchner….please tell Agent Reid the same." John's voice conveyed satisfaction as the call concluded.

Closing his phone, Hotch had to sit and absorb what had just happened. The FBI had never really been in a position to interfere with the trial, and couldn't do so now. But there would normally have been input from a number of different offices, to determine the viability of the charges and the case. Just now it had become very clear that there had been a manipulation that kept those usual channels from functioning. 

_And I'm willing to bet I know exactly how that happened._

* * *

After knocking and ringing the bell produced no response, JJ used her key to let herself into Reid's apartment. They both gasped in surprise as he exited the bathroom and almost bumped into her.

"JJ, what are you doing here?"

She was speechless for a moment. He was shirtless, his hair tousled from toweling. And while his sweats may have been riding low due to his recent weight loss, his workouts with Morgan were still visible in his upper body physique. Briefly, JJ wished she'd been there under a different circumstance.

He saw it in her eyes…both the longing, and then the regret. And something else….

"There's something wrong, isn't there?" And then, acknowledging the entire situation, he added, "I mean, besides everything."

She gave a slight chuckle at the irony of it. "Yes, there's something  _else_ wrong."

He followed her as she went to the living room and turned on the television.

"Helen Faith has been busy since last night. Or at least her minions have. She's got a new ad out. Apparently there's some additional video. Hotch thinks she may have gotten several people hired into Bennington, or just bribed some of the employees."

Reid was already dreading the rest. "What does it show?"

"We don't know all of it yet, but Garcia's working on it. And, by the way, she says she should have the other video worked out this morning."

Reid breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Garcia. I owe you big time."

"So do I. She's got Henry this morning…she's getting him off to school for me."

Reid knew immediately why Garcia was helping with Henry. "You didn't have to ask her to do that, JJ. I love that you came here for me, but I would have been okay alone."

She rubbed his arm. "I know, Spence. But I wanted to be here. Is that okay?"

He kissed the top of her head. "More than okay. You won't ever hear me complaining about having you at my side."

He bent down to kiss her. Between that, and his state of undress, JJ found her hands wandering. But there was so much to do….

She mumbled into the kiss, "Maybe you should go and put a shirt on. Really."

He was feeling aroused as well, and was loath to leave her. Slowly, he pushed himself away from her, especially regretting this  _particular_  lack of freedom. He tried to make light of it, when all he really felt was sadness.

"Later, Agent Jareau."

* * *

When Reid emerged again, he was fully dressed and the local news channels were turning things over to the national morning shows. JJ quickly explained Hotch's attempt to negotiate more freedom for their colleagues in their discussions this morning. He'd texted to inform her they'd been granted permission.

"Wow, really? That's a complete turnaround. What made it happen?"

"His text didn't say. I'm sure we'll hear on the way to court."

An ad ended and the morning anchor came on. "By now you're probably all aware of a trial that's captured national attention."

She went on to give the background, in preparation for introducing her guests. She was also preparing to scoop Helen Faith. Her staff had gotten a copy of the new video.

Because they were appearing on all three national morning shows, Rossi and Prentiss were situated in an office in Quantico. Crews from all three networks were present, jockeying for the best angles and lighting.

Rossi had done some jockeying himself. One of the morning anchors had a reputation for being more confrontational, and another, for avoiding conflict. The third one, more middle of the road, and thereby less predictable, was the one who had gotten the copy of the video. Rossi gambled that this third anchor would show them the video in advance of their interview, in order to have a more coherent conversation. But he knew they could also choose to spring it on their unprepared guests. He mentally crossed his fingers as the anchor approached them.

His gamble paid off…sort of. They were given a showing of the new video ten minutes in advance of their air time. It was better than nothing. But they were left with a dilemma of exactly what to comment on, and how.

The rest of the world was about to see it. The anchor started her introduction.

"Before we speak with our guests, we have some breaking news. Some of you may have seen promotional spots for tonight's 'Helen Faith Show', promising new, and damaging, video of Diana Reid, the mother of the accused. We have been able to procure a copy of that video for you. Here it is."

The anchor tried, but failed, to wipe the smugness from her face.

Reid hunched forward on the sofa, his fists already clenched and his jaw tightening. JJ reached over and took one of his hands, forcing him to relax it. He looked at her and gulped before turning back to the screen.

The scene took place in the same room as the prior video, and Diana was in the same clothes. It appeared the video had been made at approximately the same time. Reid had the impression that it had come just after the angry outburst shown on the prior footage. His mother's face was already showing a remnant of anger at the opening frame, and it returned in full force as the video progressed. And then she could be heard shouting.

"I told him to get him back! I told him when somebody hurts you, you hurt them back! Revenge makes the evil ones go away! He's a good son, he always does what I tell him to! He promised me!"

The clip was short, and ended with Diana's words.

JJ looked sideways to Reid. Unexpectedly, there was no anger in his face. Rather, his eyes were tracking back and forth, his free hand now engaged in finger play. It was what he always did when his brain was making connections, when he was thinking at warp speed. She knew enough to stay quiet until she saw a change in his bearing.

It came without warning. Abruptly, he stood. Now the anger was showing.

"She's made it all up. She completely manipulated my mother into saying what she said. And I know how."


	34. Chapter 34

**Consequences**

**Chapter 34**

With the go-ahead from the FBI to be more open, Rossi and Prentiss sat through the three interviews, one after the other in rapid succession. Anchor Number One showed both of the Helen Faith videos, and then proceeded to quiz them about the content. No niceties about how hard it was to work for the FBI.

The videos ended, the anchor began.

"The first video seems to show us a woman in poor mental health, talking to herself and then having an unprovoked outburst. Presumably it was made public to demonstrate what kind of influence had been exerted on the accused agent during his younger years. And the obvious implication of this second video is that such influence had been extremely negative, even dangerous. It appears that Agent Reid had a conversation with his mother, agreeing with her that he should seek revenge on someone. Further, the obvious 'someone' would be Ian Doyle, who was thought to have killed Agent Reid's colleague..." Here the anchor turned to look pointedly at Emily. "That would be  _you,_ Agent Prentiss, would it not?"

The anchor's tone seemed to imply that the FBI had been incompetent in many aspects of its operation, from hiring an unstable young man, to a poor attempt at witness protection and the ultimate demise of a suspect in its custody. Emily stood her ground. She refused to let the anchor set the agenda, to be coerced into having this particular conversation, but she did see an opportunity to help Reid.

"In my opinion, it is far from clear what either of the videos demonstrates. But it  _very_  clear that the privacy of an individual was violated. Mrs. Reid, as well as her son, had every reason to believe that her private life was private. As in 'not to be videotaped and displayed on national television'. More than anything else, we are saddened for our colleague and his family that her right to privacy was not respected."

JJ leapt from the couch where she was sitting next to Reid. "Go Emily!"

She looked down to see an all-too-rare smile on Spence's face as well. He'd caught Emily's comment, but was simultaneously on the phone with Garcia. It looked like they would miss the morning programs with their enhanced video, but would have it for the evening. As maddening as the whole issue was, Reid was starting to feel like they were finally starting to make progress in combating this assault on his mother.

On screen, the interview continued. The anchor couldn't seem to decide if she should look shocked at Emily's challenge, or sympathetic at the regrettable violation of privacy. After all, it hadn't been recorded by  _her_  network. But the viewing public might have an opinion. As would the pundits.  _What to do?_

Rossi saved her from the dilemma by jumping in with his own comment. He'd seen that she was indecisive, and knew there was a risk she'd come down on the wrong side of the issue. He precluded that possibility by moving the conversation along in a more desirable direction.

"But now that the recordings  _have_  been made public, via recent broadcasts and promotional ads, I feel a need to point out that they are clearly specifically selected snippets, and thereby taken out of context. Not to mention that the audio is missing from the original video. The viewer has no way to know how to interpret what they see, and I caution anyone viewing  _this_  interview to remember that. Appearances, especially when they are purposely truncated, can be deceiving. I remember one case..."

And he was off. He'd made his point, neither of them had fallen for the bait about Diana, Reid or the FBI, and he knew enough about how to interpret the various lights and signals in a studio to keep talking until it was clear they were out of time. Anchor number one would not get her desired on screen reaction from her guests.

Anchor Number Two, the most conflict-avoidant of the three, fared no differently. She didn't challenge them at all, but rather allowed them to repeat their concern about the lack of privacy of their colleague and his family. Emily even found an opportunity to mention the times Reid had put himself at risk to preserve the life of a suspect. It had been part of the trial testimony, and Anchor Two was thrilled to have gotten it included in her interview.

Anchor Number Three, the most combative, had apparently seen the segments on the other two shows...but couldn't reference them, because he couldn't let his viewers know that he watched the other programs, lest they decide to do the same. But he came to the interview forewarned. He'd decided that Emily was the more easily manipulated of the two.

"Agent Prentiss, as a member of the FBI, you are sworn to protect the citizens of the United States, are you not?"

"We are." Her colleagues, watching the program, could see the caution in her eyes.

"That's a hefty responsibility, isn't it? It requires quite a bit of the agent so charged. So we, the public, would reasonably expect an FBI agent to be a thoughtful, well-balanced, well-trained individual, wouldn't we?"

"Of course." Emily thought,  _this is like being on the stand again._ And she was on alert for potential traps. _  
_

"So when an FBI agent has done something to put someone at risk, isn't it in the public interest to find out how and why that occurred?"

Rossi was itching to get into the conversation, but the anchor was so obviously focused on Emily that it would have seemed as though Rossi lacked confidence in her if he inserted himself into the exchange. He needn't have worried.

"If...and I stress the word ' _if_ '...an FBI agent is not performing to the best of his, or her, ability, it is the responsibility of the FBI to investigate and correct the situation. This happens as it should, so that the public is not placed at risk." Emily was emphatic.

The anchor looked about to interrupt, but she headed him off.

"The case that's brought us to this interview involves a very dear colleague of mine. One whom I look up to in so many ways. He's someone who has taken the lead to talk down an angry prisoner, and who has placed himself at considerable risk to  _protect_ a suspect, even from other, less sympathetic, law enforcement officers. He's someone with whom I would trust my own life...and have, as a matter of fact. Agent Reid is not who the public needs to fear. It is those who would vilify him for their own purposes who place  _all_  of us at risk."

JJ didn't leap up this time. She simply sat there, tears streaming down her face, grateful to have such a good friend in her life. She turned and looked at the man she loved, and kissed away the tears from  _his_  face.

* * *

With the testimony over, the members of the BAU were all free to be in the courtroom, and they planned to appear in force. JJ rode over to the courthouse with Hotch and Reid, and listened as Reid explained his thoughts on the videos.

"Garcia thinks it's almost ready, so it can be put out there for the evening news. She needed help from a friend, since this wasn't a simple hacking. She can get into anything, she says, but to recapture audio that they've tried to erase is tricky."

"What do you think is on the audio, Reid?" Hotch was intrigued. He'd known something was going on, but had been immersed in helping Katie with the closing statement.

"I think there's someone else in the room besides my mother and the person with the camera, and I think that's who she was speaking to. The video makes it look like she's talking to herself, because she's not looking at the camera, and they don't show anyone else. And they've covered up the audio, so you can't hear if anyone else is speaking."

Hotch thought Reid might be reaching. "What makes you think this?"

"It didn't occur to me right away. I knew something was off, but I didn't place it until later. My mom certainly has outbursts, but they don't look quite like that. When she's talking to herself, she looks down and away. In the video, she's looking up, like she's looking across the room. And when she appears to get angry in the video? When she's hitting at the chair? I think that's real anger. Because when she's upset with herself, or with her voices, she hits herself. I think she was completely set up there, Hotch. And I think that, if we can restore the audio, it will become obvious."

Hotch was silent for a few moments. Reid might be on to something significant. But there was also the second video. And that one  _did_  have audio.

Reid anticipated the question. "I think in the second video she's talking about when I was young. When school was so difficult because I was bullied every day. A lot of the time she was too out of it to notice, but when she did...well, that was exactly what she used to say. I think they somehow got her to say it."

"Is Garcia working on that as well? Will she get the audio to prove it?"

"We're not as sure. The process of recovering the audio would be the same, so maybe. But there are only a few seconds of video before she speaks, so it may not be on there. We'd have to recover the missing video, and I don't know if that's possible...and certainly not in the time we have."

Hotch sighed. He, too, had some news to break.

"There may be a little more time than you think. Katie's pretty sure Donner will drag his closing statement out so that it takes the full day today. He'll go over all of the evidence and testimony in detail, and then wrap up with his interpretation of it. I'm supposed to remind you, Reid, that the 'interpretation' part of it will likely be dramatic, and may be nearly as difficult for you as his opening statement was."

Hotch stole a look over to his junior colleague. Reid looked stoic. He wasn't exactly hardened, but he was no longer naive to the process. He would deal with it.

"And she thinks he'll want to end the day leaving the jury to let it simmer all night. That forces Katie to lead off tomorrow, with the judge sending them off to deliberate without having had much time to digest what she presents. I have to admit I used the technique a few times myself, back when I was a prosecutor."

JJ spoke up from the back seat. "So, can't Katie just talk until the day is ended, and then let Judge Ford charge the jury the next day?"

"I wish, but it doesn't work that way. They're charged as soon as the formal case presentations end, no matter the time. And he'll give them at least a couple of hours to deliberate on that first day."

Reid was feeling weak. If what Hotch described came to fruition, and if the jury reached a verdict quickly, it could all be over as soon as tomorrow night. And if they judged him guilty...

JJ couldn't see him gulp, but she was tuned in to his silence. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he grasped it, holding it tightly until they reached the courthouse.

* * *

The BAU was well represented in the gallery today. All of them were present, save Rossi, who had some 'urgent business' to attend to. Even without turning around to look at them, Reid could feel the love and support coming his way. It was a new, and very welcome, sensation in the courtroom.

As predicted by Katie, Donner spent the entire morning session rehashing the details of the event, the scene, and the physical evidence. He made a point of leading into the noon recess with an accusation.

"And when we return, ladies and gentlemen, we will examine the evidence that this preventable death occurred because of the recklessness, the callous disregard for human life, of Agent Spencer Reid. We will examine the forces influencing him to make such dangerous choices for the life of another man. We will review his drug use, and his strong family history of serious, and potentially dangerous, mental illness. And we will conclude that he must be punished, for no one can take another life without paying the price."

As soon as Judge Ford called the noon recess, Katie and Hotch hustled their client, and the rest of the BAU team, to the conference room. Garcia made it a point to walk between Morgan and the wall, as he was eyeing it angrily.

Arriving to the conference room, Katie examined her client. "Are you okay? Holding up well?"

He looked a little shaken by Donner's comments, but less so than at the opening. JJ noticed, and recognized some of his insecurity returning. She reflected that Reid only responded with anger when his mother was being disparaged, and didn't have the same outrage about the aspersions cast against himself. She almost wished she would see some of it.

"I'm okay. Just a little anxious, you know?"

Katie smiled at him. "I know. Goes with the territory. Hang in there. We get our turn tomorrow."

Reid turned to Garcia. He knew that her presence in the courtroom meant the video issues had been sorted out.

"Do you have it?"

"That I do, my love. Gather 'round, everyone, you're about to see…or, more to the point, hear… the  _real_  show." She'd pulled out her tablet to show them, starting with the original video.

"Okay, here's the first one they showed, with the audio covered up. When they aired it on TV, Helen Faith spoke over it as though she was announcing it, but mostly that was to cover up that they'd erased the audio. Okay? And now here's the same clip, with the audio restored. It's a little scratchy, but you can make it out."

Reid got very close to be able to hear. Garcia started the video again.

"We have some bad new to give you, Diana. Well, maybe it's good news. Your son Spencer will be coming here to Bennington." \

It wasn't possible from the video to tell exactly where the speaker was standing, but it seemed likely that Diana was looking at him when she was speaking. In any event, she clearly wasn't speaking to herself when she responded.

"He's coming to visit? He never visits me. He doesn't like it here. I miss him."

Reid had to swallow at that. Guilty as charged. But it made him realize that it hurt his mother. He vowed to himself that, if given the chance, he would get there as soon as possible, and make a continuing practice of it.

"Well, you're not going to have to miss him anymore, Diana. Spencer will be coming to live here."

"Coming to live here? Why?"

"Why do you think, Diana? He's crazy! He's a crazy as you are! The FBI says so, and they're sending him here."

"No, they're lying! They always lie! No! No!" And she started to beat at the chair she was sitting in. The video ended.

For a long moment, no one spoke. Reid's eyes were shut and he was clearly struggling internally. JJ, standing next to him, put her arm around his back, Emily her hand on his shoulder. Morgan was silent and still, but fuming. Reid opened his eyes to see his friend's anger. He tried to defuse the situation with some bitter humor.

"I'll bet I can guess whose face is going up on the bag."

"You got it, Kid. You up for it?"

"We're  _all_  up for it, Morgan. Group workout when this is done." Emily hoped it would be 'done' tomorrow.

"That shrew! How could she think she'd get away with this?" Katie was used to dealing with the media, but she wasn't used to this level of prominence…or deceit. "Okay, people, now that we have it, how shall we use it?"

Hotch knew. "I think it's time to go up the ladder. There is a clear intent to deceive, and to invoke the FBI in that deceit. We need to get back on the evening programs, and we need someone above the BAU to do it." He was remembering the director-level phone call he'd been part of, and thought he knew where to turn for support. His superior, 'John'.

Katie had a thought. "Hotch, do you think this is an FCC violation?" Smiling a conspiratorial smile at him.

He returned it. "I don't know, Katie. We'll probably have to ask the FCC to look into it, to decide for themselves. It's likely they'll need to conduct a thorough investigation."

He looked around at the group, with an almost evil smile.

"Who wants to let Helen Faith know?"


	35. Chapter 35

**Consequences**

**Chapter 35**

Before they returned for the afternoon court session, Hotch managed to secure a commitment that their superior, 'John', would appear on the evening news shows. All except Helen Faith's.

After it had been announced, both Hotch and JJ noticed a look on Reid's face, but found it unreadable. Had they been able to hear Reid's thoughts, they would have been surprised.

_Thank you, Sir. You may want me to call you 'John' but, after this, you will always be 'Sir' to me._

Katie pulled Hotch aside before they left. "Watch out for him," she whispered. "He says he's okay, but I don't think so. He's pretty sensitive, isn't he? This afternoon will be rough. We need to make sure he doesn't show the jury how much it's getting to him."

"Understood." Hotch was glad JJ had traveled with them this morning. It meant she would be with Reid after court was over for the day.

* * *

Judge Ford opened the afternoon session. As promised, Donner reviewed all of the testimony related to Reid's use of drugs, his 'disappearance' in New Orleans, the likelihood of his having PTSD, and the suspicion of incipient mental illness raised by his family history of the same. The defense team and the BAU were acutely aware of Donner's omissions, of the counter arguments that had been raised to each of his arguments,but he was under no obligation to produce them. In a closing statement, there was neither a need, nor an anticipation, of fairness. But the jury might not realize that. They might very well be taking Donner's statements as undisputed fact.

Tomorrow, when Katie stood to give her statement, she would tell the story as she wanted them to remember it. But for now, to Reid, it once again felt like a bombardment, a barrage of messages that painted him as a sociopath. Despite his best intentions, he began to wither in the face of them.

It felt endless. From her seat in the gallery behind him, JJ could see the slouch, and then the gradual curling in upon himself. She couldn't wait for it to end, to get him home and try to lift his spirits. She intended to bring him with her, to lighten his burden with the love and laughter of his godson.

But it wouldn't end. Donner followed accusations with insinuations. Reid was emotionally unstable. He'd run from his friends and the BAU after the loss of Prentiss. He was vengeful. Perhaps he was high, or strung out, at the time. He played a gamble with another man's life, and lost. And felt entitled to do so, as demonstrated by his challenge to the congressional committee. By the time Donner finished, Reid felt like he'd been pelted with stones. The worst among sinners, suffering the punishment of the damned.

Hotch had to nudge him to stand when Judge Ford recessed court for the day. As the courtroom emptied, Hotch held Reid back. They would exit through the basement today, taking no chance of encountering the media.

Reid was silent for the entire ride back to his apartment, despite attempts by JJ and Hotch to draw him out. Hotch tried to encourage him as he dropped them off.

"Remember, 'John' will be out there for us tonight. He'll make a difference, Reid. Watch him. And keep your chin up. This was a tough day, but tomorrow will be better."

Hoping he was telling the truth.

JJ tried to lead Reid to her car, but he put her off. "I need to be alone."

"No, you don't. That's the last thing you need, Spence. You need to be with me, and Henry."

"I'm no good for Henry today, JJ. I don't want to upset him."

"Then don't. This awful afternoon happened, we can't do anything about it now. But it's over. We need to put it behind us. Because it  _is_  behind us. And there are a lot of good things ahead of us."

She didn't speak the rest of what she was thinking. That if things didn't go their way, it might be one of the last times they  _could_  be together, for a very long time.

"I don't know…."

"Well, I do. You need to get out of your head, Spence, It's messing you up right now. Come on, come over and let Henry talk your ear off. He'll be thrilled, he loves sleepovers!"

Waiting for the small smile she was counting on the last few words to bring. She wasn't disappointed.

"Am I sleeping over with  _him_?"

She flashed a flirtatious smile, satisfied that she'd persuaded him. "We'll see."

* * *

"And then Joey said he could run faster than me, and we had a race, and I runned faster than him, Uncle Spence!"

JJ was right. There was no better distraction than an excited four year old, especially when that four year old was Henry LaMontagne. Henry was in the habit of getting right in Reid's face when he spoke with him, forcing his completely undivided attention.

JJ watched both of them with affection, loving that they made each other so happy. She prayed that their time together wouldn't be interrupted.

"Tell Uncle Spence what happened after that, Henry."

The little guy made a face. "Yuck! Missy said she was gonna kiss us if we won…and I won! But she didn't catch me!"

Reid was trying not to laugh. "You mean, you ran away from her, too?"

"I'm a very fast runner, Uncle Spence!"

* * *

Henry insisted on a bedtime story from each of them, and then said his prayers.

"And God bless Mommy, and Daddy, and Auntie Penelope and Uncle Spence. And please help Uncle Spence stay strong and keep him with us. We're his family. We love him."

Reid had been prepared to say 'good night', but found himself unable to speak. Instead, he kissed Henry, lingering on his forehead a moment. When he and JJ exited to the living room, he turned to her, the question in his eyes.

"He probably heard Garcia telling me to give you the 'stay strong' message when I dropped him off this morning. She also said to tell you we want you back with the family. I think Henry just changed it to say what he feels."

Reid swallowed. "Do you think he really sees me as family, JJ? I mean, besides being his godfather."

"He loves you, Spence. That's what it's about. And yes, that's real."

JJ saw the shadow cross his face as he realized just how much he had to lose. She moved to him, walking into his arms, burying her face in his neck. They stood there, holding one another.

JJ whispered into him, "Can we just stay like this? Maybe forever?"

Reid realized that the stress the trial had put on JJ was almost as great as what it had put on him. "Okay by me. My arms are full of heaven right now."

She tilted her head up. "Spence? I know we can't be sure how things will turn out. I know our future is completely uncertain. But, just for tonight, can we pretend? Can we just be us, two people in love?"

_Two people in love._  He'd never thought those words would apply to him. And, now that they did, here he found himself in a battle for his freedom. Could he put it out of his mind for a night?

JJ kissed him. Her hands held his head to hers, allowing her to prolong the kiss, and deepen it. His mind briefly protested, reminding him of the need to watch the evening news shows. But his heart…and other parts of his body…prevailed. He drew her closer, kissing her, holding her.

JJ knew they should be watching 'John' rebut Helen Faith. But she was also acutely aware that the case would go to the jury tomorrow. As much as she hoped for the best, the strategist in her was also preparing for the worst. This might be the last night. The last time they could be together, hold one another, for years.

Gradually, she drew him to the bedroom. Each of them fought the sense of desperation that would turn their love-making frantic. Instead, they savored one another, marking the depth of their love in a slow, deliberate exchange that held the rest of the world at bay.

* * *

"Amen! He was great, Hotch! Is he that good as a boss?" Katie was watching the evening show with him.

"He's a good man, as far as I can tell. He's a bit up the line from me, so I don't work directly with him very much. I gather he's mellowed a bit over the years, though. He had a reputation for being kind of rough and difficult to work for, but that seems to have changed."

"Well, I can't believe how well balanced he was in presenting it. I mean, he just said what it was, and didn't accuse her or anything. He's letting the audience do the thinking on their own."

"So they can reach their own conclusions. Yes, he's very good with that. I know he thinks that people absorb things better when they're allowed to reason to it themselves."

"Well, let's put on Helen Faith so we can see her with her tail between her legs."

Hotch changed the channel in time to see the teaser at the beginning. Remarkably, there was no mention of the tampered audio and video. Instead, she teased with a promise to deliver the truth about the inadequacies of the FBI's personnel screening process. Video of Reid entering and exiting the courthouse played behind her as she spoke.

"And we'll learn how the FBI  _attempts_  to screen its applicants, and why that process fails. We'll learn how that failure cost a man his life." Here a photo of Ian Doyle flashed briefly on the screen. "We'll be joined by a panel of experts, who will help us uncover the fatal flaws in this process. Right after this."

The screen went to a commercial.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised at her gall, but I am. How can she just calmly continue going after Reid and the FBI when she's been shown to be a fraud?" Katie was incredulous.

Hotch was more resigned to the ways of evil. "She knows her audience, Katie. And they're only watching her, not the legitimate news shows. I'll bet most of them don't even know she manufactured that video. So she doesn't have to explain anything."

"But if she ever wants anybody legitimate on her program….."

"Rossi and Prentiss were probably the most 'legitimate' guests she's had on since the last time someone had to go on and protest their innocence. Helen Faith isn't worried about enticing guests, since she doesn't care about quality. Or veracity."

"And apparently she doesn't care about the FCC."

"That was a stretch anyway. But it was a bright spot in the week, wasn't it? Letting her know." They'd done it together, before the afternoon session, via speakerphone, with the rest of the team listening in. They'd purposely delivered the news directly to her, and not to her legal office.

"Helen Faith? Aaron Hotchner and Katie Kelly here, counsel for Agent Spencer Reid."

She managed to sound both superior and cautious at the same time. "Yes, what can I do for you?"

"Ms. Faith, we've come into possession of an untouched version of one of the videos your employees made of Diana Reid without her knowledge."

Immediately she was on the defensive. "Those videos were made by independent operators, they were not my employees."

"Perhaps. And perhaps they were well rewarded for their work. In any event, I am calling to advise you of a cease and desist order, being delivered on paper right about now to your legal office. You are to immediately stop screening video of Diana Reid."

"You can't…"

Katie jumped in. "We can and we have. Judge Ford signed the order this noon. We have proof that audio was deliberately removed from the piece, to create a false impression of Mrs. Reid. You are to stop showing it immediately."

This was met with a long silence. Finally, she replied. "I will discuss this with my legal counsel."

"You do that, Helen." Katie had trouble keeping the anger from her voice, and dropped the pretense of civility. " And then you can watch the other networks tonight. They'll be showing the undoctored version of the clip. And I expect their anchors will be wondering aloud how your program could have aired something so obviously manipulated to create a false impression. Happy viewing!"

When the connection was broken, the whole room broke into a cheer. A much longed for, very welcome break from the many, many weeks of tightly coiled tension.

* * *

The lovemaking had been an oasis for them, after which they'd both fallen into a deep, relaxed slumber. They lay now, entwined in one another as Reid emerged to wakefulness. It was four a.m. They didn't need to be up for another two hours.

Reid lay holding JJ, trying to focus on the sense of fulfillment she brought. In holding her, he was holding the promise of a future together, of a life lived in relationship. But he couldn't avoid thoughts that what he was holding could very soon be torn from his arms.

At one time in his life, when he was a lonely, isolated boy, he'd eschewed the rare opportunity for friendship. He'd always been afraid of the pain that would come when the relationship ended, as he was sure it must. That was the legacy of his father leaving him. Because he'd been taught that loving leads to loss, the young Spencer had preferred to remain alone, and aloof.

As he lay in bed with JJ, Reid wondered how often he'd allowed that to happen in his adult life. How many relationships he'd spurned for the sake of not feeling the hurt. And now, having dropped his defenses, he was in love with a woman and a boy. And now, having allowed himself to love them, and to be loved in return, he was in danger of losing it all. The pain he'd avoided all his life began to creep in. He felt it, deep inside. But this time, instead of running from it, he embraced it. The pain and the love were two sides of the same coin. Having tasted the love, he knew he couldn't live without it, even when it brought the pain. It had changed him.

His reverie was disturbed by a cry. "Mooommy…..Moooommy."

JJ didn't waken, but stirred just slightly enough for Reid to slide himself away from her. He wasn't sure he should be the one to respond to Henry, but since he was already up….. Reid made his way down the darkened hallway.

"Mooommy.." It was almost a moan. Even though he was sitting up, it was clear that Henry wasn't fully awake.

"Hey, buddy." Reid sat on the bed and put his hand on Henry's shoulder. "Hey," he whispered.

Slowly, Henry came awake. For a fleeting moment, he looked frightened when he realized it wasn't his mother sitting on his bed. Reid saw and tried to calm him.

"It's just me, buddy. It's Uncle Spence. I think you had a bad dream."

"A bad dream?" Henry was rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah. You were calling out for your mom, but she was sleeping, so I thought you might not mind if I came instead. Is that okay?"

Henry was nodding his head. "I was scared, Uncle Spence."

"Do you remember your dream, Henry?" Reid realized he was using the soft voice he used to interview witnesses.

"It was a witch, she was chasing me."

"Wow, a witch? Why was she chasing you?"

"She wanted to eat me up. But I ran really, really fast."

"And did you get away?"

"I don't know. I waked up." He started to get upset. "I don't want to go back to sleep, Uncle Spence. She might come back."

Reid made a show of thinking. "Well, how about if I sleep with you? Maybe she'll stay away."

Henry brightened. He looked relieved. "I think she'll be afraid of you. Okay, Uncle Spence. You can sleep here," and he patted the bed next to him.

Reid was at least a foot too long for the bed, but he found that if he curled himself on his side, he could just fit. Henry found the crescent created by Reid's body to be just right for a little boy. He fit himself against his godfather, and fell back into an innocent sleep. Reid watched him for a while, and then closed his eyes, holding the boy against him, feeling the heat of his body, the gentle rise and fall of his breath.

Again he felt that piercing love that was so much like pain. He realized the fullness it brought, and the space it would leave if it were torn away.


	36. Chapter 36

**Consequences**

**Chapter 36**

When JJ awakened to an otherwise empty bed, she was concerned. Had he been unable to sleep? Was he sitting out there in the predawn dark, worried? Scared? She got up to find him.

As was her habit, she first went to check on Henry. And there found Reid, curled around his godson, deep asleep. It was the first time she'd seen his face look relaxed in the several months since the whole ordeal had begun. She noticed that Henry looked at peace as well, snuggled into Reid. He was holding his stuffed dog, Brownie, with one arm, and had wrapped the other around Reid's. She took a mental snapshot of the image, wanting to save it in her memory….and then felt a quick rush of tears as she realized it might soon be  _only_  a memory.

_Please, God, don't let them take him away from us_. As much as she feared her own loss, JJ mourned the potential loss of Reid and Henry to each other's lives. It wouldn't be forever, but in the life of a four year old it might as well be. She prayed her son wouldn't have to absorb the absence of the two most important male figures in his life.

JJ moved quietly to the kitchen, and put coffee brewing. She wasn't surprised when Reid followed his nose and joined her within a few minutes.

"Did he wake up last night?"

"Yeah, around four. He had a bad dream. You were asleep, so I went in. Was that okay?" Worried that he might have overstepped.

"Judging by what I saw when I looked in on you two, it was more than okay. You looked more relaxed than I've seen you in ages."

He smiled at her. "Well, you  _said_  a sleepover would be good for me."

They took their coffee in to the living room, tuning in the television to see what they'd missed the night before. They caught recaps of last evening's shows on the morning news, marveling at 'John's' skill in front of the camera. He'd calmly demonstrated the technological prowess of the FBI in being able to restore the altered audio, and then simply let the show's host react. Without having to level an accusation himself, 'John' was free to join the host in lamenting the deceitfulness of those who would use a tampered recording to hurt an individual or a public agency. In so doing, he ably defended the FBI and, by extension, Reid.

The confrontational morning anchor, having been unsuccessful in rattling Prentiss the day before, today went after Helen Faith. He showed the altered and unaltered videos in rapid succession, and then accused Helen Faith and her minions of compromising the integrity of investigative television journalism. This was followed by an announcement that a Helen Faith representative would be on the anchor's evening news program. Viewers were invited to tune in tonight for the exchange.

Reid's cell sounded immediately after the announcement. It was Katie.

"This is the best thing that could possibly have happened! The sharks will be going after one another in a feeding frenzy. And you, the bait, can swim safely away."

Reid was more worried, and less enthused. "And does that help the court case at all?"

"Well, it probably won't change the minds of the "Faithful" as they call themselves, but it will be a definite distraction. And at least it means she won't be producing any more manufactured evidence against you. Even if it  _was_  only in the court of public opinion."

"I guess. And I guess I should be glad that my mom is out of the spotlight. And that I don't think she ever realized she was in it." According to Dr. Norman, the legitimate Bennington staff had been duly protective of Diana.

Katie knew that Diana had been Reid's priority in the whole video mess. She was glad to have helped to relieve at least one of his stressors.

"I'll see you in a couple of hours. Keep your chin up, Reid. Today will be a better day than yesterday."

He hesitated, but needed to know. "Katie, the case will go to the jury today, right?"

"Yes. I won't be as long-winded as Donner was. I don't need to rehash all of the parts of the case we agree on….well, mostly the actual event, I guess….and I don't want to put the jury to sleep."

When he spoke again, she could hear the fear creeping into his voice. She'd heard it many times before, in the voices of other clients, at just this point in the trial.

"Do you think it will be a quick verdict? Could they reach it today?"

She tried to sound confident, and reassuring, even though the matter was beyond her control. She knew he was worried that he was already experiencing his last hours of freedom.

"Truthfully, Reid, I don't think so. It won't be enough time. It takes a while to charge them, because the judge has to go over a bunch of things in legalese, and then translate it back to plain English for the jury. And it will take them a while to organize themselves. I don't think we'll hear anything until tomorrow at the earliest."

Reid was relieved to hear it, but could feel the internal trembling beginning despite her reassurance. He would have to exert extreme control to keep it from reaching the outside, where it would be visible to the jury.

* * *

The drive to court was mostly silent, each of them lost in their own thoughts, which were, ironically, mostly of each other. The things they didn't say were the ones that frightened them the most. Leaving them unsaid was acting as a talisman against their coming true.

At the courthouse, Katie was energized, as always happened when she was about to be 'on stage'. Despite the situation, Hotch had to grin at her, remembering how worked up she could get about the practice of law even when they'd been close so many years ago. He was glad to be on the same side of the courtroom with her this time.

Just before nine, the defense team settled themselves at the table, and rose when Judge Ford entered the room. Reid turned around briefly to flash a small smile at JJ. He knew how worried she was about him, and wanted to reassure her, if not himself.

As she stood to begin her closing statement, Katie made a point of gaining eye contact with each individual member of the jury. Satisfied that she had them with her, she began.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I first want to thank you for your patience. As trials go, this was not extremely lengthy, but it may have seemed so, in the face of the prosecution's detailed rehashing of evidence you have already heard and absorbed."

Katie was hoping the jury would feel as though Donner, by reviewing the evidence, had insulted their intelligence.

"My statement today will be much briefer, as is warranted when one's client is innocent. The prosecution simply hasn't made its case, and your careful deliberation of the testimony before you will lead you to that conclusion.

"Let me start by telling you what we, the prosecution and the defense, agree on…"

And she quickly enumerated the details of the kidnapping of Declan Doyle, the capture of Ian Doyle and the fiasco that occurred at the airport.

"None of those facts are in question. What  _is_  in question is the mindset of the people involved, the motivations behind the actions that took place then, and since. Specifically in question is the motivation of my client, Dr. Spencer Reid."

She paused for effect. She'd been standing at the podium, but now walked toward the jury box.

"The charge, 'criminally negligent manslaughter' is lodged in two different situations. In one, an unintended death occurs in the process of committing an unlawful act. That is not the charge here. Here, the charge comes from the second circumstance, where there is no unlawful act, but the unintended death is said to have occurred as a result of extreme negligence on the part of the accused. That negligence is defined as not having taken the care that any reasonable person would have done.

"We maintain, ladies and gentlemen, that the prosecution has failed to prove that Dr. Reid did not take all possible measures to protect the life of Ian Doyle, given the situation at hand. Rather, we all heard testimony that Dr. Reid put himself directly in harm's way by maintaining a physical attachment to Ian Doyle throughout their time at the airport."

Katie paused briefly as she paced in front of the jury box, watching for reactions. She knew that some on the jury might fault Reid for taking a chance with both Doyle's life and his own. She flashed on a couple of sets of raised brows in the back row, concerned that these jurors were indeed questioning Reid's decision.

"You have heard his colleagues tell you that they all feared for the life of young Declan Doyle. Further, you heard them tell you that there was an urgency to the situation, as the boy would be leaving the country with people who wanted to sell him to the highest bidder, creditors of his father. And you heard them tell you that there simply  _was_  no other plan than the one offered by Dr. Reid. If not for this man's work, Declan Doyle would most likely be dead. Or, God forbid, sold to some unknown, dehumanizing fate. Rather than putting Dr. Reid on trial, we should be placing a medal around his neck."

Reid was finding it much easier to sit tall in his seat at the defense table today, although still having to exert monumental effort to keep the trembling at bay. The entire team was present in the gallery behind him, sending looks of approval to the jury whenever Katie made a point. JJ scanned the faces in the jury box looking for reactions. She saw the same questioning faces that Katie had seen, but little else. Neither approval nor disapproval. It was simply impossible to tell.

Hotch and Katie had debated the next move for hours. How much should she dwell on the accusations about Reid's mental state and alleged drug use? They would have preferred not to bring it into the closing at all, to distance it from the minds of the jurors. But Donner had pounded on it yesterday, and the jury would certainly be expecting her to refute it. If she didn't, they might feel like the defense was conceding it. She needed to walk a fine line, but wasn't certain where to find it. She began cautiously.

"Yesterday you heard the prosecution tell you that Dr. Reid has a history of narcotic addiction. Further, you heard it implied that the decisions he made regarding Ian and Declan Doyle may have been made under the influence of narcotics. Mr. Donner was forced to _imply_ that charge, because he knew there was simply no evidence that it was true. The  _actual_  testimony you heard was quite different. You heard Agent Jareau testify to her conversation with Dr. Reid about his  _past_  drug use."

JJ dropped her eyes, gazing back to the evening they'd had that talk. She'd been troubled when Strauss forced her to hear Reid acknowledge it, but relieved that they could finally get it into the open. Regretting that she hadn't been able to help him at the time, but hoping she could still offer something in the present. Never dreaming it would come back to hurt both of them like this.

"You heard her tell you how it came about, after he was held captive, and tortured, and nearly killed. After he'd been made to dig his own grave, fully expecting to die, alone, in pain, at the hands of a madman. That it was that same madman who first forced the drug upon him. You  _didn't_ hear that he was seeking recreation, or wanting a better high than the one he'd had before. You  _didn't_  hear that he wanted to party, or shirk his duties. This was not your typical addiction, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It was one that was forced on Dr. Reid and one that he fought, hard and successfully…and alone…to overcome.

"You heard from Dr. Barton, whose life was saved when Dr. Reid threw himself in the path of a bullet meant for him. You heard him say that Dr. Reid refused narcotics in the face of severe pain, for the purpose of avoiding his addiction. And you heard that he had a more prolonged, and difficult course of healing after the shooting, because of his insistence on not using narcotics.

"This, ladies and gentlemen, is not the course of action taken by an addict. It is the course of one who is in recovery… _.sustained_  recovery….from an addiction he never chose. Do not let the prosecution tell you otherwise.

"It seems almost insulting to you to bring up the question of Dr. Reid's mental health. The prosecution would have you believe that he suffers a mental illness simply because a family member suffers it. He offered you no indication that Dr. Reid has ever exhibited any signs of illness himself. Instead, Mr. Donner would have you believe that the plan to save Declan Doyle, already acknowledged by Dr. Reid's colleagues as the only available solution, was driven by this unsubstantiated mental illness. If that was indeed the case, ladies and gentlemen, then we would have to diagnose the entire FBI as being mentally ill."

Katie made another visual sweep of the jury box. This was the crux of the matter. Not the issue of diagnosing an agency-wide mental illness, but the jury's attitude toward the FBI as an institution. It was the heart of Donner's unspoken plea to the jury….'don't let the FBI, in the person of this one agent, get away with doing whatever it pleases.' And it was what the news mongers were pushing as well. If they were being influenced by the media, then all of Katie's reasoned words to the jury would fall on deaf ears.

"Finally, ladies and gentlemen, I will remind you that it is because of people like Dr. Reid, and his colleagues in the FBI, that we can sleep soundly at night. The fact that he, or any of them, is willing to stand up to evil, to put himself between us and what seeks to harm us, should not cause us consternation. It shouldn't cause us to question his motives or his state of mind. It should make us proud, and grateful. As is the young boy named Declan Doyle. His life was threatened because of what his father did, but it was saved because of Dr. Reid. Who knows what that young man may go on to accomplish in his life?

"Who knows the contributions of the countless others saved by Dr. Reid and his colleagues in the FBI? Perhaps there are those among us in this room today who are here because the FBI, and its dedicated agents, prevented a crime. We would never know. Because when they're doing their jobs well, we don't see them. They are that invisible shield that protects us from the evil that surrounds us. Perhaps, instead of punishing them, we should relish the sense of security we have in not even being exposed to the peril. I, for one, will not take it for granted, and I hope you will not, either.

"The prosecution, in charging Dr. Reid with criminally negligent manslaughter, was obligated to demonstrate undue recklessness, or negligence on his part. I think you can see that they have failed in that attempt. There was no negligence involved in the decisions or actions taken by Dr. Reid. There was simply heroism, driven by compassion for a young boy. If you agree, as I think you do, you must find Dr. Reid innocent of the charges against him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for your time, and patience, and commitment to the process of justice."

With that, Katie took her seat, praying that the aforementioned commitment to the process of justice was real on the part of the jury. Reid reached for her hand under the table, and squeezed it in a gesture of thanks. It was unexpected, and Katie was caught pleasantly off guard. She turned to Reid and gave him a small smile.

Judge Ford gaveled the morning session closed, and sent the jury to a long lunch. He would charge them this afternoon, and deliberations would begin immediately afterward.

* * *

"Katie, you were awesome!" Garcia felt like the case was already won. "We should celebrate!"

"Hold your horses, Baby Girl, it's not over yet." Turning to Katie, Morgan added, "But you  _were_  great. You definitely put Donner back in his place."

So had Morgan, this morning, in the gym...right after he'd finished with Helen Faith.

Emily was coming off a conversation on her cell. "That was one of the weekly news magazine shows. They want us to do a weekly series called 'FBI Stories'...Rossi and I both. I can't think why they'd need me, he's the one with all the stories."

Rossi caught the end of the conversation, coming off his own phone call. "Ah, because you're the one with the pretty face."

The mood in the room was up, all of them feeling optimistic about the verdict now...save the two in the corner, off by themselves.

As they'd come into the conference room, JJ had given Reid a hug, and felt the trembling that he could no longer contain inside. As good as Katie's closing had been, it put him one step closer to the verdict, and that put him one step closer to the unknown.

She was holding his hands, trying to transmit a calm that she wasn't actually feeling herself.

"Spence, it went as well as it possibly could have. The jury was listening. They'll do the right thing. You have to believe that."

"I'm a profiler, JJ." She knew he was telling her he'd seen the same things she had, the wrongly placed smirks, the doubtful eyes.

"But it was only a couple of them, Spence. They can be persuaded. Maybe they were just trying to take it all in without leaning either way."

He squeezed her hands in appreciation for the effort, however futile. "Maybe. And you're right, Katie was brilliant. I should go and thank her. And Hotch, for sending me to her."

He crossed to where the two attorneys had drawn themselves off into a private conversation. As he approached, he could overhear Katie telling Hotch she was concerned about who would be voted as the jury foreman.

Reid interjected, "Isn't that just a formality? I mean, don't they just need a spokesperson, and someone to organize their discussion?"

Hotch explained it to him. "That's the official role, yes. But in the process of 'organizing' the discussion, the foreman has influence over which direction it takes."

"So it matters to us who is selected?"

Katie corrected him. "They're not selected, as in, by the judge. All of the jurors will vote for the foreman as soon as they go into deliberations. We were trying to anticipate which direction the group would go."

Reid remembered that Katie and Hotch had been pleased with some of the jurors selected, but concerned, to varying degrees, about others. They felt that some of the seated jurors came across as being too easily influenced by drama, and less so by fact. And two of them seemed to give off vaguely anti-government, or at least anti-law enforcement, vibes. If any one of them were elected jury foreman, it could mean trouble for Reid _._

_Yet another thing to stress about._

Hotch saw the new look of alarm in Reid's eyes and took his junior colleague aside.

"Reid, I know you're afraid. I know it's been difficult to hold up under all of this. And I know we just gave you something new to worry about. But when we go back into that courtroom, you need to look confident. It will be the last the jury sees of you before they deliberate, and you need to leave them with an impression of strength. Can you do that?"

Hotch gave him the kind of stare that always made Reid feel like his superior's eyes could bore a hole right through him.

Reid gulped. With no confidence at all in his voice, he replied, "I have to Hotch. I have too much to lose. And now," his gaze went across the room to JJ, "...and now, I have too much to live for."

* * *

Katie had been right. The process of charging the jury was long, and tedious. Judge Ford was fastidious in making sure the members of the panel understood their responsibilities. He reminded them of the mandate to form their decision based only on the evidence presented, and not on innuendo or implication. They were to consider only the testimony that had not been refuted with a sustained objection. Any written transcripts of testimony would not contain those 'deleted' items. They were not to discuss their deliberations outside the jury room, and they were to continue to maintain their distance from any media coverage of the trial or anything related to it.

As the judge conveyed these instructions, Reid couldn't help but ruminate on how contrary they were to human nature. Of course the jury would still remember what had been said before them, even if the objection had been sustained. And, in the age of instant and pervasive access to news, he was certain even the most well-intentioned juror had seen, and been influenced by, coverage. It remained to be seen  _which_  coverage, and in which direction they'd been influenced.

Hotch kept surreptitiously tapping his foot against Reid's to keep him mindful of his appearance before the jury. In turn, Reid did his best to sit erect, and to look serious, not overconfident, and not afraid. As instructed, he made eye contact with each juror, doing his best to create a sense of connection.

Judge Ford liked his jurors well-rested, and believed that marathon sessions of deliberation did nothing to help them reach a reasoned verdict. He would therefore allow three different three hour sessions of deliberation per day, with the final one ending at 7 PM. Hearing this, and realizing the late afternoon hour, Reid felt assured that he would have at least this one more night of freedom, one more night with the two people he loved most in the world. Sitting next to him, Hotch could see some of the tension drain from the young man's body.

Finally, the charging of the jury was complete, and Judge Ford sent them off to elect their foreman and begin deliberations. After they left the room, he struck his gavel to end the session. Reid's fate was now in the jury's hands.


	37. Chapter 37

**Consequences**

**Chapter 37**

"I've asked Hotch to take me home. There are some things I need to do there."

"Why don't I take you? I can help you with whatever you need, and then you can come and spend the night with us again." Seeing that he was about to refuse her, JJ added, "Please, Spence? I don't want you to be alone." Securing the deal with, "And I don't want to be alone, either."

"I'll come later, then. I just need Hotch to help me with some things. Believe me, I won't turn down a night with you and Henry."

She still didn't understand. Why insist on Hotch helping him instead of her? Were they going to move furniture? With a furrowed brow, she acquiesced.

"All right, I'll go on ahead. Want anything special for dinner?"

Truly wanting to please him, but also testing that he was planning on being there in time for the meal.

"Nope, anything you make is good for me. I'm not all that hungry anyway."

As he hadn't been, throughout the trial. He'd lost even more weight this week, and it was beginning to alarm her. JJ left him, planning the most calorie dense meal she could conjure up.

* * *

"Hotch, I need you to help me with some things. And I'm going to ask you not to tell JJ about it…not yet, anyway. She'll find out soon enough if the verdict doesn't go my way."

Hotch, driving, shot Reid a sideways glance. "What things?"

"I need to have a plan for what happens to everything I own…the apartment, the car, my books. I need to have a plan for what will happen to them if I'm gone."

Hotch chanced a longer look at his passenger, trying to assess his mood. Was he giving up? Was he a danger to himself?

Reid caught the look and returned one of his own, then turned his eyes back to the road in front of them.

"I know I should try to be optimistic. And I am….trying, that is. But I need to prepare for things to go either way, don't I? I mean, if I'm guilty, I won't be coming home again, will I?"

Hotch didn't answer the question directly. There was something more pressing in what Reid had just said. And he was all too familiar with his young agent's insecurities.

"First of all, I want to be sure of something. You just said 'if I'm guilty', not 'if I'm found guilty'."

Reid shrugged. "What's the difference?"

Hotch shot him another glance. "Reid, I want to be sure about this. You  _do_  understand, don't you, that a verdict is just that, a verdict. It is a declaration made by the jury that, to the best of their knowledge, the events did or did not happen as described. The verdict says nothing about you as a person."

Reid snorted. "It may as well. Won't that be what everyone thinks?"

"It only matters what  _you_  think, Reid. I want to know that, even if the jury decides against us…..," making certain once again to use 'us' instead of 'you', "that  _you_  realize that what you did was right."

Reid turned to him, suddenly, and surprisingly, choked up. Somehow, in all of the preparation, the days in court, the days debriefing….somehow it had never been directly discussed between them. Their conversations had been about strategy, and anticipating the next move. But Hotch had never before overtly stated his approval of what Reid had done.

"Do you mean that, Hotch? I mean, you're not just saying it to me? Did I do the right thing?"

Aaron Hotchner had a son. And a brother. And yet, despite the biologic and chronologic impossibility, Reid was like both to him. In this moment, he gleaned just how much his approval meant to his young charge. It also made him realize how little he voiced his approval toany of those in his command. He expected excellence, and they delivered. In this moment, he vowed to himself to be more generous with the praise he so often lavished on them only in his thoughts.

"Yes, of course, Reid. There was nothing else you could have done. And you saved Declan's life." He paused. Apologies came hard to him. "I'm sorry if I've never said that to you before. You did the right thing. You made me proud of my team."

In his peripheral vision, Hotch could see a small, astonished smile cross Reid's lips.

* * *

Despite his superior's assurances, Reid was insistent on making plans.

"I don't have any family who can handle this for me, Hotch. I just need to know that it will be taken care of. Just in case."

Hotch relented. He had Reid give him 'power of attorney' privileges so that he could pay bills and take care of the lease on his apartment. He assured Reid that Morgan would garage his car at one of his rental properties. The contents of the apartment could go into storage. Rossi had plenty of room.

Hotch watched as Reid slowly surveyed his apartment, as though for the last time. The younger man walked the bookshelves with his hands, sometimes stopping to actually caress a book. He was worried about the quality of the storage for these prized possessions.

"Reid, we'll make sure they're in a dry place. Among us, we'll be able to take care of them."

Reid was staring at a section that contained his favorite authors. These were the ones he always pulled down when he was upset, whose wisdom or familiarity of voice always soothed him. He turned to Hotch.

"Do you think they would let me have some books? I mean, of my own? In my cell?"

Hotch wanted to drive the idea of prison from Reid's mind, but he could see that the young genius needed this assurance.

"I think so. I think it would be minimum security." Choosing not to remind Reid that minimum security usually came  _after_  a stay in a more stringent, less facilitative institution.

"Well, if they let me, these are the books I would want, okay? So don't put these into storage."

Hotch was standing close enough to Reid to be able to see that the trembling was now visible to the naked eye. It was also causing a tremulousness to Reid's voice. Hotch decided that he needed to get the young man to the person who seemed best able to calm him.

"If that's everything, why don't we head over to JJ's? I'm sure she's got dinner waiting for you."

Reid packed a few items, including two of his favorite books, and headed to the car.

* * *

They didn't talk about it. Both of them knew that, just like last night,  _this_ might be their last together for years. Just as would every night be, until the verdict was announced _._

_It's enough to make us crazy_ , thought JJ. She put Henry to work creating a distraction for his godfather.

"Uncle Spence, can we make this?" Henry was pointing to the racetrack kit he'd gotten for Christmas. "It has a loopy loop!"

Reid laughed. "A loopy loop, huh? Well let's just see what we can do with that."

After they'd dumped the contents of the box, Henry handed Reid the instruction manual, as he was used to doing with his father. Reid just put it aside.

"No need for that, Henry. We'll use our imagination!"

It turned out that 'imagination' took at least an hour longer than 'following the instructions', but godfather and godson enjoyed the time immensely. They constructed several prototypes in succession, rejected each, and then finally created the track displayed on the package. Reid harrumphed to JJ.

"If they want kids to really learn from these things, they have to stop making them so that they can only fit together a certain way, with just the right number of parts. The way they make it now, every kid has to play with it in exactly the same way. How is that a good thing?"

JJ saw an opportunity. "Well, I think you showed Henry what he could do when he used only the parts he wanted to, the way he wanted to. It was fun for him, learning to do it his own way. I think we're going to need to schedule a  _lot_ more godfather and godson time together."

She wanted Reid's mind focused well into the future, when he would be together with them…..no matter what theimmediate future might hold.

He was too mindful of his situation to be put off. "Well, if I can't do it for a while, maybe you can do it for me. Just make sure he knows how to use his imagination, okay?"

"Okay." She kissed him, loving his investment in her son. Together they put Henry to bed, each reading him a story and then listening to his prayers…which ended with a "and please let Uncle Spence come over every night, so we can play."

_From your mouth to God's ear, Little Man_ , each of the adults thought, in silence.

* * *

Their lovemaking was a little more of everything tonight…a little more frantic, a little more desperate, a little more defiant of the future. Living with a heightened degree of  uncertainty for a second straight night made it impossible for them to ignore it. The tension was rising. When they'd exhausted themselves, they lay in bed, entwined, holding one another.

She lay against him, eyes closed. He couldn't tell if she was sleeping. He whispered, testing. "JJ."

Not sleeping. She opened her eyes to him, and he had to keep himself from falling into them, as he so often did.

"Tomorrow…..or whenever…..I don't want you there."

"Where? What?"

"When they read the verdict. I don't want you there."

JJ pushed herself to sit up. "Why not? Spence, I want to support you."

"You can support me from outside. Please, I don't want you there. If…..I don't want you to have to watch it."

He was thinking about what he'd been told, what he'd forced Hotch to tell him. If he was judged guilty, he would go directly to confinement. He might even be handcuffed. He didn't want JJ to have that image of him.

"But how …what if you need me?"

_I already need you, every hour, every day_. Aloud, he responded, "Hotch will be with me. Please, JJ, do as I ask. Please."

She could see his determination. "All right. But I'll be right outside. If you want me, just get word to me. I'll be there."

He wasn't done. "And JJ? Please don't bring Henry to see me. I don't want him in a place like that. And I don't want him to think of me that way."

She fought back tears, shaking her head. "It won't be a problem, Spence, because you're not going anywhere. When the verdict is read, and the jury agrees that you did only what you had to…then you're coming home. With us."

She could see that he was about to protest, to continue making plans for a bad outcome. JJ put her palm up to stop him.

"Enough. I don't want to talk about that anymore. It's not going to happen."

He let her have her way, humoring her need to anticipate the best, when he could only focus on the worst.

* * *

Morgan came by early the next day, bent on getting Reid back to the gym. He wasn't used to feeling as helpless as he had throughout the trial, and he wanted to do  _something_  for his good friend. Having watched the weight peel off Reid over the past two weeks, Morgan thought he might be able to ignite a little fire in both the man and his appetite.

Reid went along with him, albeit reluctantly. He was increasingly exhausted from lack of restful sleep, and didn't think he would have the energy to tackle the bag. But JJ encouraged him, and he hadn't the heart to deny her anything. Not now, with so little time left.

_So little time left_.

Reid realized he'd abandoned thinking about any outcome other than the worst. A part of his brain realized that it was his attempt to gain control over a situation that was uncontrollable, this preparing for the worst possible turn of events. But it was also demoralizing. He needed to fight it, or he would find himself spiraling down to a place that was dangerous for anyone, let alone someone with a history of addiction. He agreed to go with Morgan.

Four hours later, they were both drenched in sweat, and there were six pummeled portraits on the ground. Donner, Helen Faith, Erin Strauss and three of the congressmen from the committee had been torn to shreds by the blows each of them laid on the bag. Morgan grinned at his pupil.

"You did some job on that last one, Pretty Boy. Remind me to stay on your good side from now on."

Reid was panting. "You've never been anything but, Morgan. Even when you call me 'Pretty Boy'." Reid threw him a grin in return.

"Point taken. Let's go get us some lunch."

"Great. I'm starving!"

* * *

The rest of the day was punctuated by a series of phone calls and texts from Katie. She'd been given the identity of the jury foreman….one of Donner's pick. Not good.

The jury had asked to review JJ's testimony. Good.

They'd also asked to review the testimony of the prosecution's 'addiction expert'. Not good.

"But don't get discouraged. It looks like two to one against, but it's more the quality of the testimony that's important. JJ was a pretty powerful witness."

Then the notice that they'd asked to review Will's testimony. That one was such a mixed bag that they couldn't tell if it was 'good' or 'not good'.

JJ was wishing Katie would stop giving them updates, as she could see Reid tense up a little more with each contact. She finally convinced him to ask her to hold off, and the attorney agreed.

For the remainder of the day, the couple created a cocoon around themselves and Henry. They eschewed every form of media. No newspaper, no television, no radio, no computer. What they couldn't hear couldn't hurt them. The world couldn't touch them. They were safe. If only they could find a way to make it last.

The three made pizza together for dinner, each able to choose what went on their slices.

"Chocolate chips on pizza, Henry? Are you sure?"

"Chocolate chips are good on everything, Mommy! Right, Uncle Spence?"

"Henry, my man, you might be on to something. This could be dinner and dessert all in one. Maybe we should call it 'dennert'. What do you think?"

Henry was giggling. "You're silly, Uncle Spence!" JJ watched as Reid laughed along with him. It was the first time in days that she'd seen him look relaxed, and free.

After dinner, they played games until it was time for Henry to go to bed. He got his two stories, and then uttered his prayers. "Thanks for a really great day, today, God. Can we have another one tomorrow?"

_Amen,_  thought Reid.

He and JJ had just settled on the sofa when he got another text from Katie. They looked at each other when they heard the alert, knowing that she'd agreed to contact him only with vitally important information.

'Ford granted permission for late jury hours. Near verdict.'

Immediately Reid's heart was racing. JJ thought his trembling had returned in full force as well, but it was difficult to determine, as she was trembling herself. She felt sick.

Reid shot up from the sofa. "I can't sit still. I need to move. I don't…I don't know what to do."

JJ understood. She felt the same way. She wanted to run, to work out, to do  _something._

"Talk to me, JJ. Tell me something. Anything."

"While you're pacing?"

"Yes! Just talk to me."

She had an idea. They could move together and talk at the same time. She got up and put on some music. "We'll dance."

He looked at her like she was crazy.  _Now?_  "Dance? I don't know how to dance."

"Nothing to it. Give me your hand. Now, put the other one on my back. Then, move your feet in time to the music." He did, for a few measures. "There, see, you're dancing."

"I'm dancing. I'm waiting to hear if I'm going to be put into prison, and I'm learning to dance."

They looked at each other, realizing the incongruity of it. The utter ridiculousness. And, perversely, they burst out laughing. It turned into one of those bouts of uncontrollable laughter, the kind that leaves one in tears. But the episode only served to remind them of what might be lost in the coming minutes or hours. The companionship, the joy of being together. And, gradually, the tears became real.

"Come here, you're too far away." Reid gave up on the traditional stance of the dancer, and pulled JJ all the way to him, once again moving in time to the music. They moved together, swaying, arms around one another, leaning on one another, taking in the scent of one another, memorizing one another.

Their moment didn't last long. Reid would forever remember the exact time that Katie called. At precisely 9:07 PM, he began the formal countdown.

"They've got a verdict. Judge Ford has dismissed them for the night. We're to be in court at 9 AM. I'm feeling good, Reid. Stay strong."

* * *

Eventually, more from habit than any indication that they would be able to sleep, the couple retired.

There would be no lovemaking this evening, they hadn't the heart for it. Instead, they lay in bed, spooned together, silent, holding on. Well into the wee hours of the morning, Reid finally drifted off for an hour or so, awakening to the sensation of cold. JJ's warmth was gone from the bed. Thinking she might be checking on Henry , he waited for her to return. When she didn't, he got up to look for her.

The house was dark, but he could hear sounds coming from the kitchen, and headed there. He caught the gleam of moonlight on blonde hair at the kitchen table. She was sitting, faced away from him, her head in her arms, sobbing. Reid went to her, kneeling beside her.

He'd moved quietly, but she felt his presence. She looked up at him, shaking her head.

"I didn't want to do this." She had trouble getting it out, her breaths interrupted by sobs.

"What?"

"This. I didn't want our last night to be like this, just crying and being sad. But I started, and I couldn't stop. That's why I came out here, so you wouldn't know."

Still kneeling, he opened his arms, and JJ collapsed into him. He held her tightly as she cried against him. She'd held so much in, but now it was all escaping its confines.

"Spence, this shouldn't have happened. You're such a good man. You're …..I love you. I love you so much. God, I'm so angry! I'm so angry! I don't like feeling helpless!"

She sobbed the words. She'd tried so hard to be the one to remain optimistic, but the fear of losing him tomorrow had overcome her.

There wasn't anything he could say. He could only kneel there with her, and hold her. Her distress actually served to take his mind off his own. He could be strong, if only for her.

Once she had quieted, Reid lifted them both. "Come on, let's go back to bed. If you need to cry, cry. But stay with me."

They spent the next hours lying together, sometimes talking, sometimes quiet. JJ finally drifted off just before dawn.

Realizing that she had fallen asleep, Reid slid carefully out of the bed. He dressed in darkness, and then stood and watched her as she slept. He knew he hadn't the strength for a protracted, heartbreaking goodbye, and so would leave without waking her. His eyes traveled slowly along the length of her body, taking her in, to hold her in memory for as long as he needed to.

Next, Reid went to say the same kind of goodbye to Henry. The little boy was almost upside down on his bed, holding Brownie, somehow managing to look comfortable, and even angelic, in an almost comical position. Reid smiled. He loved this Henry. But he realized that the four year old Henry he knew would be gone by the time he saw him again. Children change so much, so quickly. Seven year old Henry would be a completely different child. Reid knew he would never see this Henry again. And the idea nearly overwhelmed his control. He bit back tears as he bid a silent goodbye to his godson.

* * *

She'd been frightened, and then furious, when she realized he was gone. But then she found the note he'd left.

_Dear JJ,_

_I love you. That's all. I love you. And the thought of saying goodbye to you overwhelms me. I truly don't think I have the stamina for it. So please try to forgive me. Yes, I'm a coward. But I'm a coward who loves you._

_Please make sure Henry knows I love him, too. Please don't let him think I wanted to leave him. I know you'll look out for him. You're a great mom. It's just that I know what it's like for a little boy to feel like he's been abandoned. Please make sure Henry knows that I would never abandon him._

_I love you. You've changed my life. I know it seems crazy to say this right now, but I feel like I'm a lucky man. Even if my luck doesn't hold out today, I'm grateful for what time I had with you._

_With all my love, Spence_

Her fury subsided, replaced by love...and that insidious fear.

* * *

The defense team was seated at their table, Hotch and Katie each keeping an eye, and hand, on Reid. Katie's foot was tapping incessantly. She might not have as high a price to pay, but she was just as anxious about the verdict. They all watched as the jury filed into their seats, none making eye contact with the defense.

Outside the courtroom, JJ paced in front of Rossi. The others were in the gallery, a show of support for their colleague.

"He won't let me go in there, Rossi. I wanted to be with him. He's so scared. What if he needs me?"

Rossi tried to be the voice of calm. He could see that Reid wasn't the only one who was scared.

"If he needs you, one of the others will come for you, and you can go right in. It will be all right, Cara."

Inside the courtroom, Judge Ford entered and took his seat. There were a few items of procedure to complete first, and then he turned to look at Reid.

"Will the defendant, Spencer Reid, please rise?"

Reid didn't feel like his legs would hold him up as he pushed back his chair. Hotch helped to lift him with a hand on his arm. He kept it there, holding Reid tightly, feeling the tremors, as Katie laid her hand on his other arm.

In the gallery, Garcia's eyes were tightly shut in a silently uttered prayer. Morgan sat with thin lips, a grim, determined look on his face. Emily had bitten her nails completely to the quick, and was tapping her foot furiously.

Judge Ford turned to the jury foreman, and spoke the formal language of the court.

"Has the jury reached a verdict in the matter of the people versus Spencer Reid, as to the charge of criminally negligent manslaughter?"

"We have, Your Honor."

"And what have you concluded?"

The foreman stood and opened the folded paper that contained the verdict. He began to read.


	38. Chapter 38

**Consequences**

**Chapter 38**

Rossi and JJ stood by the window, looking out and pretending to be calm. They'd been able to hear the murmur of conversation in the courtroom settle down as the judge entered and gaveled them into session. JJ had tried to listen through the space where the large oak doors came together, but had been shooed away by a bailiff. About ten minutes into the session, there was again a sound of gallery discussion coming from inside the chamber.

A moment later, a journalist burst from the courtroom to phone in the verdict. "Guilty!"

When she heard that, JJ's hands went to her mouth, a look of horror frozen on her face. Rossi reached out for her, seeing she was unsteady. The blood seemed to have drained from her complexion.

Inside the courtroom, Reid tried to process the words he'd just heard. He'd been barely standing, held up by Hotch, as the foreman read the verdict.

"As to the charge of criminally negligent manslaughter, we find the defendant, Spencer Reid, guilty."

Reid sagged against Hotch's grasp, his vision closing in on him, going dark. No matter how much he'd tried to prepare himself, hearing it proclaimed was more devastating than he could have imagined.

In the gallery, Garcia's face ran with tears as she held on to Morgan's arm with both hands. It was the only thing keeping him in his seat. He shot visual bullets at both Donner and the jury.

Emily had gone completely still. No more tapping of her foot, no more biting her nails. She was held in place by a crushing guilt. The events she'd set in motion were now exacting a price from her dear friend.

From the bench, Judge Ford could see that Reid was about to collapse, and signaled Hotch and Katie that their client could sit. The two attorneys exchanged a look, silently coming to consensus on their next strategy. What to do in the event of a 'guilty' verdict had been the subject of much discussion in the past thirty six hours. And it had become an increasingly difficult decision to make after some new information had come to them.

##########

"Well, we can obviously appeal it. And they might even let him stay free pending the appeal. He's certainly not a flight risk or a threat to society."

"Any other case I'd agree with you, Katie. But the people who forced this case forward have a lot to lose if it falls out of the public eye without exacting some sort of punishment. They'll do everything they can to keep him locked up, and then do everything they can to postpone the next hearing. No, I don't think we can ask Reid to go through that. I don't think he  _could_  go through it. This has been hard enough."

"Even so, do you think we have enough for an appeal?"

"It's hard to say. Judge Ford has been pretty even handed with this. He won't have left us much in the way of procedural grounds. We'd need something else. New evidence,  _something_."

The 'something' came their way unexpectedly. Katie received what the caller obviously intended to be an anonymous voice mail indicating that one or more of the jurors had been approached by someone, for the purpose of influencing their decision. Hotch quietly brought Garcia into the picture. Wielding her magic, she was able to trace the call to a cell phone belonging to an employee of 'The Helen Faith Show'. An apparently disgruntled employee.

They could only assume Helen Faith was trying to protect her public image by having Reid found guilty. It would support her nightly attempts to vilify him, and divert some of the negative attention she'd gotten from the tampered video recordings. But they needed more than an anonymous phone message. And they would need a more 'legal' investigatory technique than Garcia's under-the-table work.

But there was another issue with this route. The best they could achieve with it would be a mistrial. All of the work, the angst, the disruption of their lives….all of it would have to be repeated. Neither attorney thought their client would be able to withstand it. Katie was one hundred percent certain that Reid would plead out if faced with a mistrial and re-trial, and Hotch agreed with her.

"But it might be worth pursuing if Donner might decline to retry him, Aaron. What do you think? Would he go for it, or would he decide enough damage has been done?"

"I don't think Donner's actually making the decisions, Katie. And I don't know how those pulling the strings are thinking about this now. They've got their own images to protect, so they may still want to save face by prosecuting. But...," He was remembering the conference call among the FBI office directors, "there's some discord up the line. I think more of the hierarchy are aware of this now, and not particularly supportive. It could work in Reid's favor."

There was yet another option, but neither of them had ever seen it come to fruition in a courtroom. Laying out all of the choices before them, they realized that any direction they took was a gamble. And the stakes were a young man's life.

###########

Reid fell back into his seat, the blood pounding in his ears. He couldn't hear anything else. Couldn't hear Hotch whisper that it wasn't over yet. Couldn't even hear Katie when she stood and requested that the judge poll the jury.

Judge Ford ran through all twelve members, asking if they had been in agreement with the final verdict, and whether they'd voted freely. Each said 'yes', but the profiler in Hotch thought he could pick out two who hesitated just a nanosecond longer than the others. And two more whose facial expressions belied their words _. They just went along to get along._ He also watched Judge Ford carefully, trying to read  _his_ microexpressions. It would help him decide which strategy to pursue.

As the polling concluded, Katie turned to him.  _Which?_ The appeal, the mistrial? Without substantiating information, not yet available, the mistrial was the bigger gamble. As Katie looked to him, Hotch shook his head.  _Neither._  He'd seen something in Judge Ford.

Katie raised her brows in a ' _are you sure about this_ ' gesture. Hotch nodded. With a shrug, Katie stood.

"Your Honor, the defense requests that you vacate the verdict, citing 'judgment as a matter of law'."

JMOL. It was what she'd requested at the close of the prosecution's case. Had she not done so, it might very well not have been accepted now. She was asking the judge to overrule the decision of the jury.

Judge Ford prided himself on being well-prepared for the courtroom. He'd already considered all possible outcomes to the trial, and all possible moves by the defense in the event of a guilty verdict. He was ready for Katie.

"Ms. Kelly, what you are requesting is a rarely used…and, I might add, rarely successful….motion that calls for the presiding judge to overrule the decision reached by the jury. Our judicial system is built with the intention of fairness, giving adequate voice to both sides in every trial, and asking our fellow citizens to come to a consensus on the right answer. It is not something to be disposed of lightly, and I do not do so here. "

Donner had tensed when Katie made her motion, but now sat back in his chair. It seemed the judge was simply taking this opportunity to educate his courtroom.

At the defense table, both Hotch and Katie were leaning forward intently. The judge hadn't rejected the motion outright. Hotch still had his hand on Reid, who was now trembling more violently.

"I do take pride in our judicial system. But I also take pride in my courtroom, and my ability to see to it that everyone who stands before me receives a fair trial."

The judge swiveled in his chair, to face the jury.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for your service to this court. It is my hope that you did all you could to reach a fair verdict. Just as it was my hope that you followed my instructions to refrain from any discussion outside this courtroom or the deliberation room. And just as it was my hope that you would avoid any news coverage of the trial or anything related to it."

After he said these words, the judge studied the jury for a few seconds, and wasn't surprised to see some of the jurors avert their gaze from him.

"But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am also a realist. I know it is virtually impossible to be completely insulated from media coverage of anything. And I believe that you may have been influenced by such media exposure, whether advertent or inadvertent."

Finished with chiding the jury, he swiveled back to look at the rest of the court.

"To make a ruling of 'judgment as a matter of law' in this case requires me to decide that the prosecution has not presented a convincing case. In this instance, it would have to mean that I believe the prosecution has not proven Dr. Reid's actions to have been reckless, or out of alignment with what any reasonable person would have done."

In an anticlimactic finish, he simply stated, "I do so rule."

Everyone in the courtroom was caught off guard, save Reid, who hadn't heard a word the judge had spoken. Katie and Hotch looked at each other, almost incredulous. It had been the biggest of their possible gambles. Had it paid off?

There was murmuring throughout the room. No one was quite sure what had just happened. Outside, Rossi was comforting JJ, whose initial shock had dissolved into a steady flow of tears. They could only tell that the court had gone silent again after the initial reading of the verdict, and now there was more noise.

Judge Ford struck his gavel to silence the room.

"Dr. Reid, your verdict is hereby expunged. You are officially acquitted of all charges. You are free to go."

With that, the judge struck his gavel one final time, calling the trial to a close.

The courtroom erupted. Except for the prosecution and defense tables. Donner sat, looking stunned. But, noted Hotch, not particularly unhappy.

At the defense table, Reid sat still, not having absorbed anything of the past ten minutes. His mind had focused only on the verdict, and his brain was now racing with images of himself in a cell, or a prison yard. He was waiting to be brought from the courtroom.

"Reid! Reid!" He finally realized that Hotch was literally shouting his name from the seat next to him, trying to break through. Reid turned confused eyes to his superior.

Hotch could see that Reid hadn't understood anything. He grabbed the younger man by both shoulders.

"It's over. You're free. The judge overturned the verdict. You're free, Reid."

Reid squinted his lack of comprehension. It took a few seconds, but finally Hotch's words penetrated.

"Free? I'm free? I'm not going to prison? It's over?"

He'd never seen Hotch with such a wide grin. "Yes," his boss nodded, "it's over, and you're free."

Hotch knew he'd gotten the message across when he saw the tears come to Reid's eyes. The young genius stood up then, and started looking around. "Where's JJ? I need JJ!"

Instead, he got Katie. She wrapped him up in her arms and squeezed. "You're free, Reid! We did it!"

He hugged her back. "Katie, I have no words. No words. Except, 'thank you'."

"You are so very welcome." Katie made her way past her client and embraced her fellow counsel. "We make a good team, Aaron. Don't we?"

He smiled at her. "Always did."

By now, word had reached outside the courtroom that something unique had happened. JJ still didn't understand what it was, and wanted to respect Reid's wishes that she not be present. But it was killing her. Until Garcia burst through the doors.

"JJ, he's asking for you! Come on, he wants you!"

"Is he okay? Are they taking him?" JJ had already started making her way through the crowd.

"Taking…. Oh, my girl, you don't know! He's innocent! The judge acquitted him! The jury got it wrong, and the judge turned it around!"

"Innocent? But we heard they said he was guilty!" JJ didn't know how to process this.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. The jury got it wrong. The judge said so. He's free, JJ. Free!"

That brought a fresh rain of tears. "He's free? He's free!" And she started pushing through the crowd with renewed vigor.

Morgan and Prentiss were with Reid, Emily shedding her own tears of relief. Morgan was slapping Reid on the back, almost knocking him over in his uninhibited celebration. Both of them noticed when Reid's eyes became focused on the back of the courtroom. He'd spotted JJ.

The team surrounding Reid parted to let her through. She stopped just short of his arms, and stood looking at him.

"Free?" Came out in a small voice, partly choked by her tears.

He was having trouble with his own voice. He nodded. "Free."

She walked into his embrace and the two held each other for a long time.

Donner caught the scene and cast an approving look in their direction. He went to Katie and Hotch with an outstretched hand.

"Well done, and congratulations. I don't think I've ever had a case I wanted less to prosecute. I know he won't understand it, but I hope you will."

"I do, Jim. And I'm sorry you were put in this situation. That  _all_ of us were put in this situation." Hotch still had respect for his legal colleague.

"Amen to that. Best wishes to them. I won't interrupt." Donner nodded his head toward where the couple were still wrapped up in each other.

As the courtroom emptied, and the noise subsided, JJ pulled back, still holding on to Reid's hands.

He smiled at her, feeling recovered now that he'd held her again. Last night hadn't been the last night. There would be today, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow….

"Let's go home, Spence."

Going home. Coming home. They'd talked about it so much during the trial. It had become the marker of his life before, and after. JJ had so often tried to cheer him with, 'when it's over, you'll come home, with us.' With the woman he loved and the little boy who'd captured his heart. 

_Henry! I get to grow up with you after all!_  

The starting of a new life.

Reid realized that, over the past few days, he'd lost sight of 'home'. He didn't really know where it was, or how to get there. He'd bid goodbye to everything, already left it behind.

But then he looked around him, at his team. Each of them had done all they could to make this happen. Not the least Katie, who would forever, in Reid's eyes, be an honorary member of the team. Their love, and friendship, and support had gotten him through this most unforeseen ordeal.

Surrounded by them, seeing the genuine joy in his good fortune, he knew. Taking JJ back into his arms, and holding Henry in his heart, Reid put it into words.

"I  _am_  home."


	39. Chapter 39

**Consequences**

**Epilogue**

He stood outside, trying not to look impatient. She always _had_  made him wait. Finally, the door opened, and she came out, blonde hair gleaming in the sunlight.

"You look good."

"Liar. I look like hell. But I  _feel_ good."

"You always did underestimate yourself, Erin."

"Part of what got me in trouble. Can we stop along the way? I need to mail these."  She was holding a bundle of what looked like personal letters.

Rossi's brows went up. "Mail them?"

"All except one. I need to make those amends in person."

* * *

It had been three months since the trial ended. While he hadn't quite let go of his apartment, Reid could be found most often at JJ's. Along with Henry, the couple were developing a blended family unit, one that was ironing out its relationship with Will LaMontagne. Will's reaction to Reid's acquittal had been swift, and heartfelt. He'd texted his good wishes as soon as he'd received news of the verdict, but was able to deliver them in person the next day, when he'd come to pick up Henry.

"I'm happy for you, Spencer. I truly mean that." He shook Reid's hand.

"Thanks, Will. It means a lot to hear it from you." Turning, Reid yelled, "Henry, your dad's here!"

Henry ran into Will's arms. "Daddy!"

Will squatted to hug his son. "Hey, Little Buddy, you ready?"

"Ready, Daddy!"

JJ joined the men in the foyer, carrying Henry's backpack. "He's got his pajamas, and toothbrush, and a change of clothes. Two, actually. Just in case he gets messy." JJ was speaking to Will, but looking meaningfully at Henry. "Oh, and Brownie, of course."

"Of course." Will took the backpack from her. "I'll probably have him back around four tomorrow. Is that okay, Cher?"

He'd slipped with the endearment, and flashed a look at Reid. No reaction.

"We'll be here. You guys have fun!" JJ hugged Henry as he left with his father.

Once they were gone, she turned to Reid. "Alone, at last!"

"And awake!"

* * *

As promised, Reid and JJ had gone home together after the trial, for their own private celebration of victory. But it seemed others had celebration in mind as well. Gradually, and without invitation, the rest of the team started showing up on JJ's doorstep, with an exuberant Hotch and Katie bringing up the rear. After the protracted ordeal of the trial, the spontaneity of this party was most welcome.

Rossi brought the champagne….bottles of it. He held up his glass and prepared to make the first toast. But, uncharacteristically, Reid interrupted him.

"Can I say something first?" Then, having their attention, he continued. "These past few months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. There were times when I thought….when I  _didn't_ think…"

JJ could see Reid getting choked up, and cleared her throat, prepared to step in for him. But he held up his hand to stop her.

"No, I want to say this." He paused to swallow. "What I want to say is that I couldn't have gotten through this at all without you. Each and every one of you. You all did so much for me, to boost my spirits, my confidence, and…" and he looked mischievously at Morgan, "and even my muscle."

They all chuckled at that, and JJ lifted her hand to squeeze Reid's biceps.

Reid made a point of looking at each of them individually as he spoke. "You guys know that I didn't have much of a family growing up. Nor now, either, I guess. But it didn't feel that way these past few months. You took care of me like I think a family would. I don't think I can ever tell you how grateful I am for all of that. As I would have been, even if the case hadn't gone in my favor."

Morgan interrupted him. "I've always called you my little brother, haven't I, Kid?"

Reid retorted, "Yeah, but it was always preceded by 'that pain in the neck". Garnering a laugh from all of them.

"Anyway, I'm grateful to all of you.  _For_  all of you, in my life. And that goes for you too, Katie. If not for you and Hotch, I wouldn't be able to stand here and say this at all. You guys saved me. Thank you."

JJ had tears in her eyes. They'd saved her, too.

Conversation, laughter, and even some tears took up the rest of the afternoon. It was their first protracted time together in months, and they relished it, even not having realized how much they missed it.

Each feeling like they could truly relax for the first time in months, the others left in time for Reid to go with JJ to pick Henry up from preschool. Before they left, Hotch reminded everyone that they were back in rotation come Monday morning. The 'stand down' siege was over.

When they arrived at the preschool, his godson spotted Reid's head above the others in the crowd of parents, and came barreling at him. "Uncle Spence!"

"Henry!" Reid bent to pick him up, vowing never to take for granted this relationship he'd almost lost. He would be grateful every time he heard the child call his name, or reach for him, or proudly show his godfather his latest achievement. This morning, he'd said goodbye to Henry. This afternoon, he welcomed the promise of a lifetime of mornings, and afternoons, and evenings, together.

Henry didn't understand what might have made his godfather cling to him so tightly. Having seen an opportunity, he wriggled down and out of Reid's grasp.

"I'll be right back, Uncle Spence!"

Henry ran off and returned with several of his friends. "This is my Uncle Spence. He can do magic!"

Turning to Reid, he pleaded, "Make a quarter come out of my ear, Uncle Spence! Show them!"

Reid smiled, happy for the chance to increase Henry's social capital in the preschool. He reached into his pocket, and removed a coin. Using his long fingers to showcase the coin, he then made it disappear. The skeptics in the group insisted on examining Reid's hands, front and back, while Henry looked on expectantly. When they were satisfied that it wasn't a trick, Reid turned to his godson.

"Henry, what's that in your hair?" And he reached behind Henry's ear, and pulled out a quarter.

The audience was stunned, as Henry smiled triumphantly. "See, I told you! My Uncle Spence can do  _anything_!"

"Do me!" "Do me!" "Do me!" rang out in chorus. And Reid did, each in succession, for the next half hour. The other parents, mostly women, looked on in amusement, at the same time that they sized up the new man in Jennifer Jareau's life. Several of them sent her approving smiles.

The afternoon gave way to an abbreviated evening in the Jareau household. Henry, though unaware of the trial, had been empathic enough to pick up on the tension preceding it, and now noticed that it was gone. He couldn't have said how or why, but the household seemed more relaxed tonight. But he could also see that the adults were exhausted. They'd each gotten into his bed with him, one on either side, to read him a story. Reid was out first, followed rapidly by JJ. Henry turned his head from side to side, looking at each of them. Then he slipped out of bed and ran to the living room. He brought back an afghan, and covered Reid. He allowed JJ to share his own covers with him.

Reid woke around eleven, and gradually came to realize where he was. He turned to see that he was sleeping in a twin bed with both JJ and Henry, and began to laugh. The motion caused Henry to turn, but woke JJ up. They each kissed him gently, and headed back to their bedroom.

"I think I was sleeping the sleep of the dead, JJ. I haven't  _actually_  slept in months."

She kissed him. "We're going to make sure you get lots of sleep…and  _lots_  of food. Spence, you're too skinny."

"Your timing is perfect. I seem to be getting my appetite back!"

But not his energy. All intentions to the contrary, Reid was back asleep again within minutes of hitting the pillow. JJ, nearly as tired, sat up for a while and watched him slumber, stroking his hair. The life she'd thought she was going to lead, the one without him, was now just a forgotten figment of her imagination. It was time to imagine a new one.

_I love you, Spencer Reid. I'm so glad I get to spend the rest of my life showing it to you._

* * *

That was three months ago. Today, they both anxiously awaited the ringing of the doorbell. The team was back to full function, they were finding their way as a family unit, and they'd long ago bid goodbye to any unwanted media attention. Katie had given the suspect voice mail over to the feds, who'd begun an inquiry about jury tampering. Diana Reid continued to exist comfortably at Bennington, unaware of her stint at center stage. William Reid had gone back to his quiet life, the recipient of a polite 'thank you' note from his son. No other contact was promised.

Some things had changed. One very notable thing had changed. As they awaited their visitors, JJ remarked on it.

"I'm so glad for Hotch and Katie, aren't you? I mean, she's great and she seems so good for him."

They'd all noticed a loosening up in their unit chief over the past few months.

"Katie is great in my book, no matter what. But yeah, I'm glad she's with Hotch. He deserves to be happy, and it seems like she does that for him."

"Let's hope they don't have to go up against each other in court, then. After all, she is a defense attorney, and Hotch isn't usually a witness for that side of the case."

The conversation was interrupted by the sound of the bell. JJ went to the door to admit their guests.

"Rossi, Chief Strauss, hello."

Her voice was stiff. She'd been attending family groups, and learning about the process, but JJ was still resentful of this woman who'd wreaked havoc in Reid's life.

"Hello, Agent Jareau." Strauss was equally formal. Until Rossi broke the atmosphere.

"JJ, Erin, we're not at work. This isn't  _about_  work. Well, not really. It's about people. Can we all just be 'people' today?"

Reid had arrived to the foyer in time to hear what Rossi said.

"Sounds good to me." And he stepped forward to shake hands with his good friend, and with Erin Strauss.

"Agent Reid."

"Spencer." He'd eschew the title, but he'd still keep it formal.

"Very well, Spencer."

"And I'm Jennifer."

Strauss knew that wasn't what the others called them, and recognized that they were keeping her at a distance. Rossi saw it too, and understood. He would play along.

"Please call me Erin." Pause. "Well, today, at least."

The two young agents looked at each other. They weren't sure they could do that, but they would try.

"Okay. Please sit down. I've got some coffee ready." JJ brought out a tray and set about pouring.

Strauss, looking uncomfortable, began. All of them, save Rossi, were remembering that fateful day she'd called the young agents to her office. When she'd rejected Reid's offer of his token. When she'd issued the veiled threats. And all of them, including Rossi, remembered the terrible ordeal her machinations had set in motion.

"I came here today to ask your forgiveness, to make amends." She hesitated, eyes downcast. "I don't know how I can expect you to forgive me, but I know I need to ask for it. That you deserve for me to ask, even if I don't deserve to receive it."

Reid was watching her intently. He'd been down this road, and was looking for some sign that she was being genuine. It had been her second attempt at rehab, after all. Might it have been the last she would need? Or was this another show?

Although she was learning from her attendance at family support groups, JJ was still considerably less understanding. This woman had threatened her, threatened Spence, carried out some of those threats and then been unrepentant throughout the ordeal she'd put them through. All of that sorrow, depression, despair, grief….all of it had been put into motion by Erin Strauss. Even if the political ambitions of those on the congressional review board had brought it to fruition, it was Strauss who'd originated everything. Sitting beside her, Reid could feel JJ's tension growing. He reached over to hold her hand.

Across from them, Rossi patted Strauss on the back as a gesture of support. He prayed that his two young colleagues would have the maturity  and compassion to forgive his old love.

Strauss continued, still having difficulty with eye contact.

"I've learned many things about myself in these past few months. I've had to come to terms with this relentless ambition that seems to plague me and everything I do. I'm told it comes from childhood insecurities." She looked briefly up at them, and then away again.

"But you don't need to hear about that. It doesn't really matter where it came from. Not to you, anyway. It only matters that I let it take control of me, and let it obscure my sense of right and wrong."

She seemed to give herself a bitter laugh. "It wasn't even the alcohol, it turns out. It was the ambition. But it was unleashed by the alcohol." She looked across at the young couple.

"Agent Reid…Spencer, I am so sorry for what my ambition cost you. What  _I_ cost you. We call this 'making amends', but I don't know that there is any way I can atone to you. I can only tell you that I am sorry. Abjectly, profoundly, sorry. And I need to beg your forgiveness, even though I've no right to it."

The words hung in silence, for what seemed like a full minute. JJ moved her eyes among the three others in the room, not certain of the expected response. Rossi's eyes were closed in silent prayer for the outcome. Reid had been staring at the floor, but now looked at Strauss and cleared his throat. He used what he thought of as his 'witness voice', soft, and quiet.

"The word 'amends' refers to change. As in 'amending' something. It's not necessarily about atonement." He paused, carefully considering his words.  "You're right. You can't atone for what happened. It's already in the past. It can't be changed. The only thing you can amend is yourself."

Now he paused for a long time. JJ wondered if he was thinking about his own 'amends'.

"If you are genuine in this, Chief Strauss," he couldn't even pretend to be able to call her 'Erin', "then I accept your apology. As we are all aware, I've had some experience myself, and I would be a true hypocrite to deny you the same thing I've had to ask of others. If you are truly amending your life, then I happily offer you my forgiveness. And my admiration. I know how hard this road is."

None of them had ever expected to see the sight, but there were tears flowing from the eyes of Erin Strauss. This agent, young enough to be her son, was proving her senior in wisdom and life experience. And, by far, her senior in tolerance and understanding.

Rossi's face held a small smile of approval. He saw Strauss' emotional state, and took her hand, making them a virtual mirror image of Reid and JJ.

After she'd collected herself, Strauss extracted her hand from Rossi, and extended it to Reid.

"Thank you, Agent Reid…..Spencer. I'd no right to expect it, but I'd hoped….."

Reid shook her outstretched hand as all of them rose. He tried to defuse the emotionality of the moment with humor.

"Well, you know, there might be something you could do…."

She stopped her motion. "What is that?"

He grinned at her. "Well, neither of us has had a raise in, like, forever…"

She smiled at him. "Forget it, Agent Reid."

No 'Spencer' now. She was back in Section Chief mode. "Didn't you hear about the budget crisis?"

Rossi had a hand to Strauss' back, escorting her out. They bid their farewells at the door. As they left, Rossi turned back and mouthed 'Thank you' to his fellow team members.

JJ didn't say anything until the older couple were gone. Reid caught her glowering.

"I know. I'm starting to understand, but I still don't like it." She'd found the support group meetings for family members to be eye-opening. But she didn't think she could ever be as forgiving as this man she'd fallen in love with. "I mean, she didn't even lose her job!"

They'd learned later about Rossi's unexplained absences from the trial. He'd worked at Strauss, pressured her, become a one-man intervention crew to get her to admit her relapse with alcohol. He'd been certain of it even before she'd admitted it. No matter her ambition, the Erin Strauss he'd loved so many years ago would never have allowed such destruction to befall a person in her charge. She would never have failed someone the way this Erin had failed Spencer Reid.

He'd broken her, even while the trial was still underway. He'd accompanied her to her superior, and arranged for her rehabilitation. None of them could affect the trial already in progress, but they could seek to mitigate the damage. Both Rossi and 'John' had agreed to the media battle in pursuit of that mitigation.

Now that she was successfully in recovery, the FBI would support Erin Strauss in the resumption of her duties. She'd paid no price in her status with the FBI. But in her personal life, in her private conversations, in her innermost thoughts, she paid on a daily basis.

Now, with Rossi and Strauss having left them, Reid tried to explain to JJ how he looked at things.

"I haven't forgotten what she put us through, JJ. And I hope I don't ever completely understand it. But I do know this. That sometimes, we recognize a huge life decision when we come to it. Like getting married, or having a baby, or buying a house. But most of the time, we make what we think are small decisions, and don't give them a second thought. But when we do that, we don't hold those decisions to the same standard of right and wrong as the others. We don't think much of them at all. But those decisions, those actions, no matter how small they seem, well they can grow into something bigger. Something with real consequences, however unintended."

"And you think that's what she did? That she made small decisions with unintended consequences?" Somehow it didn't seem so diabolical when put like that.

He nodded. "I think all of us do it, every day. We don't think long enough, or hard enough, about most of what we do. We take things for granted."

Even as he spoke, he thought _, I will never take anything for granted, ever again._

"Until something like this happens. Until our lives are turned upside down by it." JJ moved into Reid's arms.

He held her close. "Until then. " Reid looked down at JJ, resting against him. He grinned at her. "I hereby vow not to take anything in our relationship for granted. I will tell you every day that I love you…this counts for today, by the way…"

Now she was grinning back at him, as he continued on.

"And, especially living with a four year old, I will never take for granted that we will have time alone together. Like we have right now….."

Which thought sent them to the bedroom, to take advantage of that which they would never take for granted.

* * *

She'd done it. It had been, short of her conversation with Reid and JJ, the most difficult utterance of her life. But she'd made it.

"My name is Erin. And I am an alcoholic."

"Welcome, Erin." "Hello." "Hi." Had come from the Beltway Clean Cops meeting attendees. She'd told the non-classified parts of her story and then, with a sigh of relief, taken her seat. She now had one month of her second sobriety behind her. It was proving to be challenging, but with the help of the BCC and her one man support group, she was managing.

Afterward, as she hurried to her car in the brisk early spring evening, she heard someone calling her name.

"Erin! Erin!" There were no last names, and certainly no titles, with the BCC.

Strauss turned, thinking that it was the group's leader calling after her. Maybe she'd left something behind. But, to her surprise, it was an unexpectedly familiar face.

"John!"

* * *

FINIS

**A. N. That's it. Hope you all enjoyed it. I know it might have been more satisfying for Strauss to have been punished, but I don't really think life is lived in black and white. It's all within the shades of gray.**


End file.
